Staring up at the roof of my bedroom, I pondered on what this ‘being attached’ was all about. To be honest, I didn’t know how exactly it felt like, before, for never had I been attached to anything except for my mother whom I lost twelve years into it. At the age of twelve, of course, my mind was too primeval to understand that the pull, the bond I felt towards her was something little more than what it seemed and felt to be therefore even after I lost her, the pain the guilt and every single tear I cried didn’t tell me that it was attachment, that I was attached to her by love.

After losing Myung Soo and then Puppy whom I thought was the link to him, I realized, I had not only loved Myung Soo, I had been attached to his very presence, that being the reason why I couldn’t go on without him. Love, of course, I realized came in as a packaged deal. When its love there’s attachment, there’s faith there’s trust, respect, honesty, reliability and so much more. If one element would be eliminated, I figured, that won’t make that certain pull to another; love.

That is where I lost him, Myung Soo. Because both he and I failed to keep that trust. Maybe that was why I was always afraid to lose that precious trust of his, because I had loved him; but luck got the worse of it, he had never kept my trust; for him, the pull that he had towards me (If he ever did) had never been love. Simply put, I had been pathetic to be fooled by the emotions of my own.

But Sung Gyu was an entirely different tale. The moment he left me that night without a word or a single wave of farewell, I realized that I had pushed a button that I should never have. It was something that Myung Soo always used to tell me, to think before I speak. I had always taken this as granted, because I never thought that words could hurt so much, but now when I looked back, its words which hurt the most, a lot more than actions would. I had hurt people with words myriad times, people had hurt me with words just the same. Although I had lived through the pain after each fight, I never had thought how badly the words I have said could have hurt another.

In that way, I was a fool. Being the biggest and the most pathetic fool on earth, I had lost Myung Soo; my first love, I lost Puppy for god knows why and now I was on the verge of losing the next person who was precious to me in that way. And the worst thing was, I didn’t know how on earth I could make things right.

And the look on his face when he left, that pain, that guilt and whatever the secret he hid from the world was imprinted on my mind like an endless curse. I wanted to hurt myself the same then,  I wanted to feel the very same pain that he was going through but only I never knew how much it hurt, I never knew how badly I broke his heart by bringing up something I should never have. However god had served me right; by taking Puppy, the sole link to my first love, away from me, god had given me the pain I deserved.

According to my father, Puppy had to be somewhere and still alive. The back door had been open when he had come home that night, which I must have done before I left and he had found his belt, perfectly undone in the backyard along with his leash. As he assumed, Puppy had been kidnapped.

There were many tales on people kidnapping dogs as I read on the net, for various reasons which I couldn’t read through in spite of my fear and endless tears. There were few I could read of course. One said they do for the festivals to be taken as meat, and then another said they get euthanized if no owner was found, and one said that people killed them just because they were being intolerable. With all these filling my mind, I cried all night. Puppy was probably dead by now, that monotonous voice said to me in the end. He’s gone, forever from your life. Like people, they come and go, they would never stay. That’s what life is all about. At the end of it all, I fell asleep hours before dawn.

I didn’t want to attend lectures the next day; having to see Myung Soo ignoring me as though I was non-existent was hurting me too much, and that would only add more salt to the pain I was going through; but in the end I had no choice. If I stayed home, I would still be in pain, and I would be alone, crying through it, it would never do me any good. I couldn’t go to the café either; the possibility of running into Sung Gyu was something that I was bound to avoid, I didn’t think I was ready to face him yet, after what I did; and Sung Yeol was probably waiting to unload on me something more about this secret admirer of mine; and me being clueless of his identity while that bug head Sung Yeol knew it all, was frustrating me even more. And I didn’t want to meet Howon either; He had never seen me cry and the last thing I wanted to do was play waterworks before him and show him that I wasn’t the strong, steadfast woman he thought I was but a real vulnerable hopeless wreck.

I decided to head for lectures instead and distract myself with whatever they had to say; however that either didn’t turn out to be the best decision of all. During Political concepts which was the first lecture of the day, he was blabbering about freedom of speech, that lecturer of mine; and I wished, despite being a respectful citizen, I could show a good block of wood down his throat. After taking the maximum use of my freedom and ruining everything in my life, the last thing I wanted was to hear about the freedom of speech. Myung Soo, just as before, had scooted to the very end and pretended that I didn’t exist. Although I could feel his presence beside me, I refrained myself from feeling too burdened by it. I had lost him alright, but he had never trusted me to begin with and I had never had a reason to feel so bounded to him, to feel so obligated to sustain his eccentric behaviour; this had never been mutual all from the beginning.

But the notes that he left for me seemed to say something otherwise. Was it that he had a tinge of care left for me inside? Was he burdened by this deceptive bond of ours too? Or was it that he was just merely feeling guilty for what he did?

I thought of what he told me the other day when we were talking about that secret admirer of mine, how he said that he would always be by my side no matter what. Then was this his tactic of proving it to me that he was truthful of his words?

Then where would his trust lie? Where would I end up?

Wouldn’t that make me all the more erroneous?

Or was I making delusional hypotheses once more?

During lunch, I got myself a bottle of water and Cesar salad, cursing that they had run out of Banana milk and found myself a comfortable spot in the lawn under a banyan tree. The sun was scorching warm then, even the air was blatantly hot which made it all the more difficult for me but the shade of the banyan tree was pacifying. It was a little dark under the labyrinth of massive branches overhead, several crows cried from among them and even a butterfly fluttered by. Reclining myself inside it, finding myself finally a moment to relax my muddled up mind I closed my eyes and rested my head among the roots. Little did I know though, it took only a few minutes to let my mind wander off and soon had I fallen asleep.

I dreamed of Puppy, strangely, I saw him running across the house like he’d always do. There was my father, smiling while chewing on beef jerky and there was Sung Gyu, standing on our dining table, screaming like a girl and I was laughing hard. Howon and Woohyun was there too, Woohyun was watching me and Howon was bickering with Sung Jong who sat on the dining table, his legs dangling down. Myung Soo was there too, cowering in a corner as he always would while Sung Yeol leaned against him, hand thrown over his shoulder which held a crumpled paper folded in to two.  It was pleasant, truly, to have all the men of my life together at once; but later when I heard a strange sound, right by my ear, and when a cold wind whisked by, a familiar scent seeping through to my lungs over the scent of damp earth, I realized I was only dreaming. The men of my life would never be brought into one frame at once, and Puppy was still gone. I was still in the lawn of my university, dozing off while trying to have lunch. It was an eccentric situation indeed.

I fluttered open my eyes, however, only to realize that I was sleeping against someone’s shoulder. It was bony and broad, the scent was of limes. Out of reflex and pure befuddlement, I gasped hard and pulled away. Myung Soo was there, sitting beside me as though it was the most natural thing on earth, slurping on a carton of Banana milk, another was in his hands, and he was staring down at me. The cold, unknowing look had finally deceased, instead there was the familiar concern painted all over; I suddenly wanted to cry.

Myung Soo was back, Myung Soo, the guy I used to love was finally back by my side.

“Oh…you’re up” He muttered and threw at my direction a soft smile. I was surprised and unable to utter a single word. I wasn’t sure whether I was still dreaming, but when he pushed the carton of Banana milk into my hand, and when its coldness touched my skin, the coldness against its warmth, I realized that I wasn’t.

Out of impulse, I pushed away the carton he was holding out for me and hit him on his head. “You paboya!”

“Eunji-,”

But before he could say anything else, I threw my hands around his neck and pulled him into an embrace. His warmth enclosed me, his scent was stronger in my lungs and feeling relieved that I finally got him back, I closed my eyes. Sung Gyu had been true of his words after all, Myung Soo did turn up before long.

His hand slowly reached my back and patted me the gentlest. “Hey there…”

“You dumb pabo” I said, refraining myself from crying. My voice shook a little, of course, and he felt it too.

“You can cry if you want” He said, his voice reverberating in his chest against me. “It’s okay”

I pulled back and hit him once more. “Yah! Why would I cry?”

“I thought you were going to…”

“Of course not!” I said, feeling tears prickling my eyes. But I wasn’t going to let them fall before him, at least not before his eyes. Without wasting another minute, I hugged him once. “I’m not going to tell this again, but Myung…”

“Hmm?”

“I missed you”

He chuckled and patted on my back. “You wouldn’t have to…but yeah, I missed you too…”

They say that people come and go in your life, but I realized, they wouldn’t leave just without leaving a trace behind; this trace they leave would be to find the way back to you. When I thought I lost Myung Soo, the first ever person I fell in love with, I realized, I was losing someone so precious to me, someone with whom I kept a milestone in my life without his awareness and this, he could have interpreted as otherwise, however he knew that there was something connecting us; through this, he found his way back to me.

To be honest, I don’t think we are all lost and scattered all over the universe despite of where we were born and where we stood now. We are all connected, in one way or the other, and the closest strings find their way along. Maybe that’s how we meet the people we love to be with, and the people we despise. Maybe that’s how we know whom to hate and love and spent the whole life with, because fate has connected us to meet somewhere in the span of lifetime.

Although later I realized  that Myung Soo was not the person I was willing to spend my whole life with, he was precious to me nevertheless, and we were so connected that we ourselves knew that we couldn’t go on without each other’s’ presence in our lives. This is why we’re all afraid to die, why we are all afraid to lose someone we love. Because it hurt so much, whenever this string of perpetual connection is broken, it hurts so much that we could die.

That’s just how love comes in myriad forms in life. That attachment, nevertheless of between whom, is an infinite attachment indeed. Which would exist even if the other end had deceased.

He and I decided to grab chicken for lunch because the Cesar salad did no good in the end. He had been the one to buy the last carton of banana milk that he went out to get one when I had asked for it; I was flattered, truly. He was someone whom I shouldn’t ever lose again. We didn’t touch the topic of relationships throughout the conversations we shared, but we had a lot to catch up with for the past few days. I told him of Sung Jong and his surprising return, and the renovation of the new café at his brother’s company, and he told me about meeting his baby sister after seven years and how she pronounced his name as Myung ‘Thoo’ because she had a problem with her lisp.

In the end he suggested we play hooky on sociology lectures which came after lunch.

“Are you insane?” I screamed, dropping the piece of chicken I was chewing on back into the plate. “There’s a mock exam coming in three weeks!”

He pulled out a tissue and handed it over to me. “You eat like a pig! Don’t worry, I’ll help you out”

I smiled and wiped my mouth with the tissue he gave me. “Well, I know you would, but I would be the one to fail…”

He sighed. “Oh please. Can we be nice about you for once? And I’m sure you won’t concentrate on lectures today”

I eyed him curiously. “How would you know?”

“I heard”

“Heard what?”

He began to wipe his fingers with a tissue, one at a time. “That puppy went missing…”

“Oh…” I muttered, suddenly feeling a great nostalgia in my heart.

“So we’ll go find him…”

And I couldn’t say no.

Afterwards, we both got into his car and he began to throw suggestions on where to look for. I hadn’t had pets before, therefore I had absolutely no idea how and where we should look for them when they go missing, but since I had read it over the net the night before I figured that we should check the local shelters first.

Both Myung Soo and I were dumb and silly that we had no clue where the nearest shelter was. We had to check on GPS of our phones first and find locations, which we did while having the car parked on a side and once we had noted them down, with much determination, we set off.

Being around Myung Soo at this moment where I had lost something precious was truly soothing my mind. I was glad that he didn’t apologize or bring it up under any circumstances; maybe he too wanted to put the whole thing behind and move on as how we were. I didn’t feel much uncomfortable either, although the feelings I had for him were still lingering around, and he was being of great help. He and I checked at almost all the shelters around, there were five on the whole, and three animal hospitals and one animal clinic; yet, in the end, there was not a single trace of his whereabouts.

My heart was shattered into million pieces, and only Myung Soo’s presence was keeping me from crying. He was precious to me, Puppy was. It was him who woke me up every morning, me all over the face and barking out for no reason, he was my happiness, my sole entertainment; although everyone would live me there in my lonely house at the end of the day, it was only Puppy who diligently looked out for me.

It was true that dog was man’s best friend; Puppy was, indeed. In this span of a week, we became so close to each other, we got attached by the soulful element of love.

Love was such a strange thing, it made us do things that we never imagine to do in our lives.

Evening approaches slowly, the sky took up the grim shade of dusk, gradually ceasing the soft ripples of what sun had left behind. It was silent in Myung Soo’s car, and I could hear him breath. I couldn’t hear myself though, but the mere soft sound of him was assuring me of his presence; thus I felt sense of haven reclining me. Myung Soo, despite the fading feelings I had, had always had that effect on me.

We gave up searching in the shelters, and I was through trying to hold back my tears. Myung Soo must have noticed it, for the observant person he was and ended up making the assumption that someone had possibly adopted the little one, and that we should search the houses in our street.

This was what I had always been reluctant of doing. I wasn’t good with this new neighbor of ours, and the fact that Naeun lived just a few blocks away made me quite uncomfortable. But in the end, I figured; Myung Soo would not plan to check in her house, and we had no reason to look in Howon’s either.

He and I drove in circles around the street and walked all over the place, calling his name. There was no response though, which was killing me inside, and then we went around knocking on the doors, showing a picture of puppy which I had in my phone, asking whether they had seen him around. Much to my utter disdain, though; the response I got was none. We tried with our new neighbors, finally, who hated Puppy from the beginning, but unfortunately they weren’t at home. In the end Myung Soo drove me to our house, parked the car at the foot of the slope and stared down at me with utter concern.

I, on the other hand was on the verge of tears, overwhelming in emotions. Getting Myung Soo back was too much of happiness for me to handle, losing the love I had for me, conversely, was saddening me to some extent, and the fact that I literally ruined my friendship with my new love interest broke my heart, the loss of Puppy was adding salt to the wound I had. What I wished to do at that very moment was to cry.

After watching me for quite a while, Myung Soo heaved a sigh and began to reverse the car.

“What are you doing?” I asked, surprised by his actions, and he shook his head in retort. “You don’t look like you’re ready to go home…” He took a swift turn to the right and soon we were retracing the way back we came on. The dusk had dawned completely, streetlights blurred rapidly as the car whisked away; I remained silent, staring out at the road letting my mind go blank.

It didn’t take that long to arrive at the ten story sky scraper where the apartment the two kim’s shared was and Myung Soo parked the car in the underground parking of the apartment complex; I noticed, Sung Gyu’s shiny new Jeep was parked just a few feet away. My heart skipped at the thought. Why did it skip my mind that I would be running into him at this visit?

But I couldn’t argue. I had no strength to, and after what I did, I couldn’t ask Myung Soo to favor me anymore; I couldn’t tell him that I had actually done something terribly wrong that I should never have done to his precious brother.

I couldn’t believe that the very loss of a tiny little animal who was oblivious of my emotions transformed me into this hopeless wreck. I got back something precious overnight, I lost something equally precious in the stead. The irony of it, both the precious people came from the same source of existence. I couldn’t figure out where I was anymore.

He didn’t speak much when we made it towards the elevator and once we had entered, he punched in the number of his floor and said that I was just stressing too much.

“Eunji…I know that Puppy…was special to you.” He muttered, staring ahead. The lift moved slowly, and it smelled of plastic inside. “But people…they lose things that they had treasured over their lives, they lose them right before their eyes, but they still hold on…because despite what they lost…they still had to go on living…”

I looked up at Myung Soo then, unsurprised of his intellectual words. He had always been that, Myung Soo always did. And it was a miracle that he was so strong, given that he was a victim of domestic abuse for years. But of course, now he lived in good background, and he was definitely learning from the best. Sung Gyu was someone, I knew for a certainty, that someone could fearlessly rely on.

But after what I did, I wasn’t sure how exactly I could face him again.

The entire apartment scented of cooking onions the moment we entered, and I saw Sung gyu’s shoes resting on the rack beside the empty slot where Myung Soo pushed in the pair he wore. I was nervous to face him though, afraid if he’d still face me or ignore me at all costs; nevertheless, not wanting to give anything away, I slipped out of my snickers and put on a pair of house slippers.

“Hyung’s cooking” Myung Soo said, grinning from ear to ear. There was a happy glint in his eyes, and he called out to inform his brother of his presence.

“Yah Hyung!” He said, making it towards the kitchen; I meekly followed. “We’re home!”

Sung Gyu soon approached from the kitchen doorway, still in his shirt and tie with the blazer taken off; he wore a light blue shaded apron over it which had a hideous print of sheep sleeping on clouds and he had apparently changed his hair color to natural black. My heart skipped a beat. Regardless of his strange attire, Sung Gyu was beautiful. He was screaming perfection indeed.

“Oh!” He said, widening his eyes at my presence. “You’re here”

Feeling quite uncomfortable, I bowed with a greeting. He chuckled in response, and the mere sound of it made my heart beat in a natural pace. He had forgiven me already. “We’re glad to have you here…this must be your first time coming here after I came”

I nodded, fixing my eyes to my feet.

“Do feel at home, Eunji-ah…You’re staying for dinner I suppose?”

I opened my mouth to reply but Myung Soo beat it to me. “Of course, Hyung…she was quite upset since Puppy left…we went searching for him actually”

He nodded. “Is that so? Hmm…I hope you’d get him back…” He gestured at the kitchen. “I should attend to that…I’ll get back to you, okay?”

I nodded with a smile, feeling lighthearted. Sung Gyu was eccentric, yet modest and truly heartwarming. In fact, the moment I stepped into the house, I never expected him to so warmly welcome me, let alone invite me to stay for dinner. I expected him to ignore me, look down on me, or question me whether Myung Soo and I had really gotten back, but he didn’t seemed to give me none of this, none but a sincere smile, that perpetual glimmer in his eyes. I knew then, at that very moment that I was in a position with no regrets. I wouldn’t mind even if my love went unreciprocated for all the while because it was just worth it. Sung Gyu was simply worthy of wasting my precious love.

While Sung Gyu was at it, emitting scrumptious aroma of the cooking while so, Myung Soo suggested that we give it a rest on pondering upon Puppy and focus on the lessons I missed instead. I had missed a considerable amount of it for the past few days, which Myung Soo had deliberately covered in his notes. Yet regardless of how neat and clear they were, I could understand none. Politics was giving me a real head ache thus Myung Soo decided to recap the entire lesson in one go.

At the end of it, I was literally drooping on the floor. Myung Soo gave up, throwing his hands in the air and stuffed all the notes back into the folder. “You’re hopeless! We’ll do this another time”

I looked up and sighed in relief. “Is it over? Thank god”

He threw me a glare. “Gracious, Eunji, wasn’t it you who worried about the mocks?”

I shrugged. “Well, I was never planning to pass them, anyway. It’s just a mock, no big deal”

He heaved a frustrated sigh and finally stood up. “I don’t know what to do with you…come on…we’ll go out for a bit”

I followed, feeling quite lightheaded. “Sure…I was craving for some fresh air”

Myung Soo called out to his brother who poked his dark head out of the doorway in response. His face was read and beads of sweat was glittering on his skin, hair disheveled, the bangs caked onto his forehead. He looked nothing like an intellectual bachelor who owned an entire company; he looked quite witty instead.

“We’re going down for a bit”

“Alright” Sung Gyu said with a smile. “I’ll come around in a while”

It was a little cold when we stepped outside, it was refreshing, nevertheless, and reclining in the comfortable silence, Myung Soo and I continued to walk.

There was this play area for kids just behind the apartment plaza which was abandoned due to the new one they had built inside. The swings and slides were rusty and old, yet worked very well, and since two years of our friendship, this had been officially our spot of killing time. There was the basketball court on the other side, the walking area on the left with a pond where a few old fish floated around. The walking area was abandoned, not even its grass was trimmed and Myung Soo always said that it was probably growing serpents inside. We played ball at the court, occasionally, but that night, we both weren’t in the mood.

I simply made it to the swings which Myung Soo followed. We sat there, silently watching the tress in the walking area sway along the gentle wind. Now that it was night already, it looked quite terrible, but refreshing nevertheless. It gave me the comfort of a quiet space to contemplate.

We were both pushing the swing gently by pressing our feet on the tarmac ground; the chains creaked in the rhythm of our movements, and it was nice.

“Hyung told me good news the other day” He said, after a while, his eyes were watching the stars.

“Really?” I piped up, not remembering telling him about any good news.

“Yeah…he said you actually liked someone”

My heart stopped at his words, at how casual and nonchalance he sounded, and it took me a while to register that he actually had someone already, and that I had begun to like someone else.

“Uh...yeah” I managed in the end, and looked down at my foot which I dragged along the ground. “It happened that way…”

“Is it…the letter guy?”

“Oh?” I looked up, almost surprised. Well, since this secret admirer of mine failed to write to me for a while, he had actually slipped my mind. It wasn’t his fault though, since Sung Yeol decided to leave just like that, it wasn’t that I had heavy feelings for this person anyway, I couldn’t come to like him the way I liked Sung Gyu or Myung Soo or even Woohyun; the secret admirer of mine was someone I couldn’t figure out; nevertheless, I had a feeling that it was someone not only Sung Yeol knew, but both of us knew. I was trying to read between lines to understand him, however, I appreciated his effort and his words which meant a world for me. I only wished he revealed himself soon, so I could answer my doubts and assumptions.

I shook my head at Myung Soo in response. “Not really…but I don’t know…this person I like might even be the secret admirer…it might even be otherwise…” I shrugged with a sigh. “It’s complicated…”

“Hmm…” Myung Soo nodded and stared ahead. “But I wish you tell me who it is…”

“Who?”

“The guy you like”

I smiled. “Why?”

He raised his brows. “Because we’re best friends maybe?”

I laughed, stood up and walked towards the monkey bars before hopping up and hanging onto one. Myung Soo followed behind me.

“Come on, Eunji, it can’t be that hard!”

I ignored and swung to move to the next bar. This was something I always did whenever we came here, thus I was pretty used to it and since I was quite light weighted, and I could quite hang on long. Not even the fact that Myung Soo was right at my foot embarrassed me. It was as though he had seen me grow.

“Is it someone I know?” He asked.

I shook my head.

“Is it Sung Yeol?”

Seriously? I snorted in reply.

“Okay okay….is it Howon then?”

“Of course not!” I exclaimed, amused.

He heaved a sigh and came to me. “Then is it uri Hyung?”

I froze, holding tightly onto the bar. After what we went through, Myung Soo was of course not to be exposed to such sensitive facts, and I too wasn’t ready to admit it yet, I wasn’t sure of how Myung Soo would handle it if he knew. Myung Soo was pretty sensitive; even the slightest mistake could send him to the peak of emotions, and the reason, I knew as it was all owing to the emotional turmoil he went through back during his childhood. This was something I should never take as granted. True, Myung Soo treated me as a significant friend of his, but I wasn’t certain myself whether he would acknowledge it or feel burdened by it if he was told that I was in fact, in love with the brother that he loved so.

In the end, I sighed and opted with the safest option I had.

“It’s Nam Woohyun…to be honest”

There was a definite silence from his part, and I tried my best to act natural by swinging onto the next bar. I could literally feel his eyes on me, watching me intently; after a while, he asked.

“So you…love him already?”

Being it Woohyun, it was so easy for me to answer with no hard feelings involved. Of course, Woohyun was so sweet, and his affection was a real remedy for me, but that didn’t exactly mean to me that I loved him; it was more like…a really really close, brotherly affection. He was someone I liked to sit and share a nice conversation with, while Sung Gyu…

…he was more of the type whom I’d rather spend my entire life with.

“I don’t know…” I replied. “I’m still…falling”

With that, I moved to the next bar, and my hand slipped, I almost fell but held on. Myung Soo on the other hand had immediately reacted by my feet; he was staring up at me, his hands on his sides.

“I’ll catch you before you fall” He said in the end.

I widened my eyes, surprised at his tone. I wasn’t sure whether I was being delusional again, but it was strange; there was an eccentric message underlying in his voice.

“Eh?”

He smiled and held up his hands. “I said I’ll catch you before you fall flat on the floor, nut head”

I rolled my eyes and moved to the next bar. “I can handle myself…”

He laughed. “Sure, sure…”

I did a few rounds, moving to one side to the other on the monkey bars while Myung Soo rattled about something from politics about Marxism. Honestly I wasn’t paying any attention, the lectures I fail to keep track on were giving me enough headaches already and I gave no crap on what Carl Marx had said although Myung Soo insisted I knew all these before the mock test.

“Jesus, you’re such a pothead!” He said in the end. “Do you know that he actually said capitalism was the destruction of the society? We live in a democratic society and you don’t give a damn!”

I scoffed and swung to the next bar. “Are you a capitalist now? The last time I heard you were a pure liberalist”

He shrugged. “Yes, and you were freaking none of it”

I rolled my eyes and moved to the next bar; this time, I really lost my grip, let alone my balance and felt onto the floor; but Myung Soo, just as he promised me, caught me there, tightly in his arms, stumbled backwards but didn’t fall like Sung Gyu would have. He held me in his arms quite firmly; his eyes, they never left mine.

My heart began to beat so fast, and I realized then, I might not be certain of what I felt anymore.

His eyes, just like the last time I saw them this close, were of the color of autumn leaves. Thy were wide though, wide and clear and as always was his stare so strong, as though he was searching in them something indigenous, yet I realized, they didn’t have the same heavy, warm and melting effect they used to have on me anymore. They were beautiful, but they were blank. They weren’t giving the message I soughed to hear, yet they gave something else. I realized, we weren’t in the element anymore.

His breath kissed my cheeks, his breezy scent seeped into my lungs, his hands were holding tightly by my waist as though I was still on the verge of falling.

In the end, he smiled. “I told you I’d catch you…”

I smiled back, feeling uncomfortable at the proximity of our faces. “Well, thank you…Myung Soo…”

He remained silent for a while, still holding me and pursed his lips into a thin line. “Eunji…”

“Yeah?”

He looked into my eyes and gave me the saddest smile I had ever seen on him. “I’m sorry…”

I bit my lip, feeling my heart cringe at the memories of our previous fight. Of course, I wished it never happened, yet conversely I felt it just made this friendship stronger and gave us lessons which we had both failed to grasp.

“I’m sorry too…Myung Soo…”

He watched for another few seconds and nodded in response. “Hmm…and Eunji”

“Oh…?”

“Let’s pretend that never happened…let’s put it behind our pasts”

I looked up and gave him a smile. “I’d like that…”

He smiled back. “In fact Eunji I-,”

He never got to say the rest though, for the strangely sweet moment we shared was suddenly interrupted by someone clearing his throat. We swiftly pulled away from each other then, I noticed Myung Soo’s cheeks flushing red. Sung Gyu was there standing by the slide, smiling softly as his newly done dark hair moved gently in the wind; he was still in his crisp white shirt and tie, the hideous blue apron pulled over it. He had actually walked out of the building looking as hideous as that.

“Dinner’s ready” He said with a smile, pretending like he never witnessed the strange posture we were in. “Let’s go before it goes cold…hmm?”

I nodded and was all about to walk to the entrance when Myung Soo piped up his suggestion as though it was the most sensible idea ever.

“Why don’t we eat here?”

Both I and Sung Gyu turned to gawk at Myung Soo, who just stood there with a feeble smile.

“Hyung and I do so…once in a while…” He added, as though to make it less awkward.

In response though, Sung Gyu looked at either of us with a bright smile. “I think it’s a fabulous idea…let me pack the food up and come-,”

“No, let me…hyung” Myung Soo said quickly, seeming uncomfortable. “You stay with Eunji here…I’ll be quick”

Sung Gyu glanced at me and nodded at Myung Soo in retort. “Sure”

“But hyung…”

“Yeah?”

Myung Soo gestured at the apron he wore. “You might need to take that off, it’s embarrassing”

Waiting for Myung Soo to return, both Sung Gyu and I sat on the either of the swings and basked in the utter silence. He looked more humane with the apron taken off, which Myung Soo took on his way back inside, and in the gentle breeze, his hair swayed lightly, revealing a broad forehead and a light scar above his left eyebrow.  His hands held tightly onto the chains of the swing, his knuckles gone white, and all through this, it took me a while to notice that I was actually there, watching him with such and intense.  It was worth a sight to watch though. Sung Gyu was much unlike the ordinary guys who took all the little incidents so deeply into heart. He was gentle, humble and when it’s needed, witty and adorable. He had it all; money, wealth, a good job, a nice car, good education, good parents and a nice family; all through this though, he spent the life of a boring old bachelor who waited for his monthly salary to get drunk. He was simple, and that was what I liked the most about him.

It was him who broke the unreeling silence first. “How are you, Eunji-ah?”

I turned to him, only to see him looking back at me. Embarrassed, I turned away and looked at my feet instead. “Upset that I lost Puppy….happy nevertheless” I gave him a smile. “Myung Soo came back”

Sung Gyu smiled and looked away. “That kid…he can’t stay angry for too long…”

“Like you” I added. He chuckled in response. “You think?”

“Hmm…after last night….” I trailed off, unable to continue. I knew it was wrong to bring it up but I really wished I could make up for the terrible step I made. “I’m…sorry…Sung Gyu-Ssi…”

He heaved a sigh, clasping his hands together and lazily dragged his leg across the tarmac, making an ugly sound. “It’s my fault…nothing to be sorry for, Eunji…I’m just….” He sighed again and turned to gaze at me.

“Strange things happen in life, Eunji, and they turn up at moments when you least expect them…”

I nodded, watching my foot hitting the ground.

“They’re probably…predetermined by fate…I believe. It’s just…you never see them coming. You’re never prepared…and when it happens, finally…” He sighed again and looked down at his feet. “It leaves a scar on your heart…a scar which would never heal…”

I looked at his hands clasped on his lap, I looked at how his fingertips had turned pink.  His fingers were long, skin was smooth as porcelain, in fact, his hands were prettier than mine. What caught my attention the most though, was how the tips were calloused.  His eyes were dimmed, clouded by misery; I felt bad that I brought it up again, conversely though, I wished he would speak his heart out.

“Does it hurt…?” I asked, in almost a whisper. “That scar on your heart…does it hurt?”

He nodded slowly, and squeezed the tips of his fingers nervously. “Very much…” then with a deep breath, he raised his eyes and fixed them on the clear sky above. “But I will be fine…one day…and when I am” He turned to face me. “I’ll tell you what hurts me”

“Why me?”

The smile he gave me then, was the softest and the most sincere. “I don’t need a reason for it…I just would”

Soon the silence engulfed us once more. Sung Gyu fiddled with his fingers, I watched the movements of his hands; after a while though, he stood up, walked behind me and began to gently push the swing from my back.

I was confused.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked.

“Doing what?”

“Pushing the swing”

He chuckled. “I don’t know…”

I shrugged. “You’re weird”

He remained silent for a while and called my name.

“Yeah?”

He cleared his throat. “That person you like…how is it going now?”

It surprised me that he was asking me about himself, later though it occurred to me that he had absolutely no idea.

I opted to give an honest reply. “He’s dumb and clueless…as always, going around like he knows everything….” I sighed. “While he was oblivious of what’s more important”

Sung Gyu laughed from behind me, the voice of his echoed throughout the silent atmosphere. “He sounds so much like you”

I was surprised. Honestly; Sung Gyu and I were nothing alike. “I don’t think so”

He stopped laughing then, and asked; “Are you ever going to tell him?”

I bit my lower lip and shook my head. “Nope”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “I don’t want to admit myself….I’m just waiting for him to find out himself…”

“Hmm” He replied and he spoke no more but continued to gently push the swing from behind. I was confused of his sudden conduct though, provided that he was quite the lethargic young man, but he did say strange things happened in life, he did say they did when you least expected it, and to add to that; an inkling was indicating it to me that there was an underlying meaning to it, to all he did and all he said; but only my mind was too underrated to find out what it was.

Myung Soo came a while later, carrying three plastic boxes and forks; Sung Gyu had apparently made spaghetti of which the aroma filled the air the moment we took off the lids; I gave Sung Gyu a smile when He glanced at me worriedly, but when I finally tasted it, I was surprised. It was actually really good.

“You’re quite the chef aren’t you?” I remarked, taking the tissue Myung Soo was giving me to wipe my hands which had sauce all over it. Sung Gyu smiled. “Well, living alone in the states did me good…I guess”

We were sitting on the tarmac under the monkey bars. The wind was gentle, the sky was clear, and the scent of earth was overpowered by the scrumptious aroma of the food. The swaying branches of the walking area made soft whispers, which was clearly heard since we sat in utter silence; it was nice, to be sitting between the two brothers. It was as though I had come to a different space of existence.

After a while though, a pair of rowdy boys riding skateboard in the middle of the night came around and looked down at the three of us as though we were some kind of an indigenous tribe before bursting out laughing, followed by the ugly remark of us being beggars. Honestly, I wanted to laugh instead. Not that I was any rich or anything but there I was, sitting between two chaebols who didn’t want to show what they really were. Did that make them any less rich or significant? People were judgmental, and that very manner of them would only make their petty lives even worse.

Sung Gyu was simply downing the food with a smile even after the guys passed by, looking untethered.

“Look at them! Calling the guy who owns their telephone line a beggar” I remarked once they were out of the earshot. “And here are the two of you, pretending to be beggars” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t understand this world, really…”

“You don’t have to, Ji” Myung Soo said, smiling. “It’s always about who we are, not who we want to be.”

“Hmm” Sung Gyu agreed, twisting his fork on the creamy white strings of spaghetti. “And if this is how we want to be, however might they see…” He glanced at me and smiled. “Nothing would really change”

It was unconventional, how the two brothers did think alike and how even their conduct didn’t defer from one another. It was then that I truly felt as though I were an outsider, someone in a lower standard than them, even more so. I couldn’t figure out why they were so humble and modest despite themselves though, but my father had always told me that those who had gone through so much become softer yet stronger; did that explain what they had gone through? Myung Soo, I knew, he had been a victim of domestic abuse, but Sung Gyu? I figured, he hid behind himself more than I thought he did.

“Eunji-ah…” Called Myung Soo softly after a while and I placed my fork back in the container to look at him. He had his eyes focused on me then, and before even I could imagine what was coming next, he reached out and slid his thumb right by my lower lip. It made my heart skip, just as it would have, just as I expected it would, but the feeling was different.

It was something I never expected to happen, let alone, be witnessed by someone who should never have witnessed such conduct at all.

I felt my cheeks burn then, and heart pounded hard at the awkwardness of the latter presence beside me. Sung Gyu moved only the slightest; yet Myung Soo, on the other hand gave me one of his signature smiles and wiped his hand on a tissue. “Jung Eunji…you eat like a piggy”

I tried to laugh, only a fake muffled sound came out; Myung Soo chuckled lightly though, as if he never noticed the awkward situation we were in; and I couldn’t help but wonder if Sung Gyu felt as though he was the third wheel of a date of some sort. I cursed under my breath.

Why was Myung Soo being so affectionate out of the blue? Didn’t he prove it to me before that we were nothing but best friends? That I had no reason to feel anything stronger? Then what did he factually expect of his actions?

What was he trying to show me?

I wasn’t feeling swayed by it though. It was strange this time around. On the person I loved, I had a strong grip, grim determination to not to lose without a fight, to keep my heart where I knew it deserved to be, and I knew it more than anything else that Kim Sung Gyu was just worthy of my entire soul.

He cleared his throat then, as though on cue and looked away at the swaying trees and the silvery water of the pond in the walking area. Myung Soo had noticed none, though. Or maybe he had but wasn’t giving up, for he was actually maintaining his presence around me a lot more than Sung Gyu did himself, and it was unnerving, truly.

I didn’t want him to intervene in my love life anymore. And this new behavior of his irked me to no end.

Later then, Myung Soo offered to drop me home. For some reason, I didn’t want him to.  For some reason, I needed time for myself, therefore I asked my father to come around and pick me up that night.

And that turned out to be a pretty idea of all. Despite the loss of Puppy, throughout the night after that, I had my mind on rest for the first time for the day.

They say that when you love someone, you would love every flaw of the significant other and love him for them even more. I never knew the accuracy of this before though, because I have never loved; but this I began to believe as the truth after I fell head over heels for Myung Soo, for I never got vexed by his OCD or his grave dispositions; but when this change of hearts occurred with Sung Gyu’s sudden intervention in my life, I realized, I was actually seeing the flaws of Kim Myung Soo, and I was taking all the flaws of Kim Sung Gyu as granted.

I hated myself for it though, I hated myself for letting it to fall out so easily, but in the end, I figured, feelings weren’t anything that could be helped. When we fall, we fall, and there’s neither a moment nor a reason for that to happen.

I didn’t mean to get irritated by Myung Soo’s sudden affection, but after I got him back, his care irked me to no end, because I knew they weren’t real, I knew that he was simply trying to make up for the littlest time that we lost. I knew that I deserve it, I didn’t want to be the one who deserved it, for I was craving for someone else’s affection instead; and this someone, for some strange reason, was never failing to give me this that I always craved for.

But I knew, for a certainty, that he never had the intentions that I wanted him to have; It was simply how he was, Kim Sung Gyu. He’d rather be needed than being needy, he’d rather care than being cared for.

The next two days, I attended the morning lectures as usual, but had to cut the evening lectures for I had to help Sung Yeol in running the errands before the grand opening which was scheduled for the third day. The work there was fun though, cleaning and wiping and even baking on the second day; and Sung Jong, just as before, was being my ever best friend. We planned to watch a horror movie after the opening day just as we used to, and together we baked two batches of cupcakes, each batch consisting hundred and croissants to be served during the big day.

However, just before we were to close, Sung Yeol suddenly peeked out of the glass door, and I noticed he was speaking with someone with jet black hair, and sadly, owing to his height, that was all I could see. Curious, since Sung Yeol was the last one to get distracted during busy days of work, I walked to the door, yet as though on cue, Sung Yeol stepped back, closed the door, and the person with dark hair disappeared from the sight. I could never make out how he looked.

I was there, standing behind him when he turned around and gasped in fake horror.

“Yah! You scared me!”

I raised my brows and crossed my hands on my chest. “That was him, wasn’t it?”

He didn’t need to answer though, in his hands was the folded piece of paper already.

He smirked. “Quite the smart arse you are, Jung Eunji”

I dropped my hand and made it towards the door.

“Yah, what are you doing?”

“I’m going to catch him…” I replied, pulling open the door.

“Jung Eunji!”

He was too late, for without bothering to return to his pleas, I ran up the stairs, feeling my heart beat harder and made it to the quadrangle, my eyes searching for someone with that jet black hair I saw. There were many passing by the water fountain who had dark hair, dressed in suits, yet there was no one I could expect to be the one who had possibly written the letters to me; I would have turned back and retrieved to the café though, but something strange caught my attention.

Sung Gyu and Myung Soo standing by the fountain, deep in a conversation.

And both had jet black hair, tousled on the top.

I wanted to approach them, get them each by their collars and scream at them and ask why they were doing that to me without walking out and admitting it themselves, but of course, I was never sure; it could be anyone, it could be even neither of them. And neither of them looked like they had run up the staircase a moment ago, neither of them looked panicked or guilty but completely normal, neither of them looked bothered by the silly old café girl standing in the middle looking as though the world had turned outright crazy.

Feeling irritated, I made it back into the café.

The puzzle was getting more complicated by the day, and this one fact irked me to no end. Although Sung Yeol said that I would be given answers, whomever this secret admirer was, stayed silent for a whole week without even a single word, and all of a sudden appeared in person to hand over a note to Lee Sung Yeol.

It answered one of my suspicions, though. I could finally take Sung Yeol out of the list. And maybe Howon, unless he had changed his hair hack to black as for the chameleon he was.

With a distinct sigh, I trotted back into the café and collapsed into a wooden chair. It was bustling and nice inside, everyone was busy with their own work while enjoying it the same; Yeosob, the bunny-like barista was busy frosting the cupcakes while one of the new girls, Bomi, as I knew her name, was arranging the cakes in the cardboard boxes to get to the freezer; Sung Jong had just returned with a new batch and waved at me with a smile; his face had gone completely red due to the steam. After a moment though, Sung Yeol came around and flung his hand over my shoulder. I shrugged away with a frown.

“I hate you Sung Yeol!”

“I love you too, sweetheart” He retorted with a smile and dipped his hand into his apron pocket, producing the paper folded into four from before. “I told you, leave it be…hmm? It would be nicer if you let him reveal himself without chasing after him…”

“But why?”

He sighed. “Because he wants you to figure it out without just running all over, chasing him!” and stood back. “I feel sorry for the guy…out of all the people, he had to fall for a cluts like you”

I hit him on his arm. “Oh shut it Sung Yeol! You’re just jealous that nobody likes you…”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh please. Eunji, you know that is not the truth…but anyway” He stepped away. “Have fun! Help out Sung Jong with the pastries afterwards…”

Nodding in agreement, I turned my attention away from him and looked down at the folded paper instead. I realized, I was wrong if I wasn’t particularly fond of whoever who wrote to me, because I had actually waited for the next one to come by. It was fun, honestly, to search in the clues and try to figure out whom he really was, given that it might even be someone whom I closely knew.  It had to be someone I knew, because Sung Yeol was actually giving me that light, but I couldn’t be too sure either. It wasn’t ever good to be too sure of something unknown.

But I was willing to complete this chase, nevertheless.

After taking a deep breath, feeling my heart beat faster in my throat, I unfolded the paper.

The letter this time, was quite longer than the rest.

Eunji, I’m sorry I was silent for this so long…but I figured it would be better to stay that way until you all had settled down. It’s strange, but I feel this café, these employees, and Lee Sung Yeol are what which connected you and me; although you haven’t responded to me in letters, you’re close to me nevertheless, and those are what which links these humble feeling of mine to you, and I’m grateful with my whole heart.

How have you been? Well, I think I already know the answer. Are you happy? Are you sad? Have you laughed? Have you cried? Are you eating well? Those questions too, I think I know the answers.

The new hair of yours, it’s beautiful. I think it shows a new side of you. Not the cheery youthful side, but a more matured you, but I like the both, because it’s only you, Eunji. Only you.

There had always been something I wanted to ask you, but I don’t expect you to write back. And that, I would ask you not now, but only when the time comes by. The right time, I feel, is not before long.

I have written a longer letter to you this time, I hope you’re not irritated. But thank you, for everything, thank you for existing, thank you for being you.

Just so you know though-

Someone covered my eyes from behind all of a sudden, and as on cue, I quickly crumpled the paper in my hand, trying to get over the effects that the letter had casted on me. The hands were warm, the skin was soft, and I could feel breath just by my ear. I was too afraid to make any guesses although I was almost too sure whom it was.

I was too afraid though, I was too afraid to have the puzzle made even more complex.

But it had to be that way. Unfortunately.

“You couldn’t have forgotten me already, princess…” Whispered a voice, and the hands dropped. Before long, Nam Woohyun emerged from behind. I widened my eyes.

He too had dark hair, tousled on the top, and beads of sweat on the reddened skin of his face.

Soon after then, the door opened, the two Kim brothers entered, each carrying a can of coffee in his hand. I looked up, surprised, befuddled, and completely outraged, for the three men were leaving me on the edge, in a dilemma, in a conquest which I would never be able to solve too soon.

Myung Soo met my eyes then, so did Sung Gyu. Sung Gyu, as always, had a soft smile gracing his lips, eyes glittering with pleasure while Myung Soo had the devil in his eyes.

I realized. Something was very, very wrong in here.

Something which I was bounded to resolve.

I looked back into the crumpled piece of letter then, the final words of it imprinting in my mind like a carving on stone.

-princess, although you’re so close, almost in my grasp, to me you’re so, so far away.

I'm sorry for the late update. Uni work was holding me back.
Hope you enjoy!