The thing about being infatuated of someone is that, as how I learned, we begin to make strangest, at times the wittiest, hypothesizes upon that significant someone which, at most times, have no prospect whatsoever of becoming true. There wasn’t anything strange about this, well, phenomena, this, in fact, is a norm regarding this entire being-in-love idea thus we all come to believe that being crazy was not just the case. It’s more or less, inexplicable but we still go on making assumptions despite how silly they may be. It’s just what falling in love is all about; being delusional and thinking certain things may actually be true.

Based on certain incidents, we come to the conclusion that this love is finally reciprocated; when the significant someone ask you to accompany him for his business trip in Busan, for an instance. I would have thought that he actually wanted to take me along because he was feeling lonely or so to travel alone, honestly, I did think that was the case, until, well, until;

“I really have never been to Busan before” Sung Gyu admitted, once we were in his jeep, driving off to the airport. It was around eight or so in the morning, the balmy morning rays were almost blinding and the sound of the air condition was overpowered by Radiohead’s ‘High and dry’. I was still sleepy though, after the entire tumult from the night before but I had to agree to come along, despite how drowsy I was because my father granted permission the moment Sung Gyu asked with that very dazzling smile. I was almost certain that it was that smile which convinced my father to so easily consent. I wasn’t aware of his true intentions though, that I simply convinced myself that he needed me for his company until he told me that he wanted me to give directions since I was from Busan all alone.

The biggest mistake he did, which I swore myself to not to admit, was believing me for I had zero sense of direction when it comes to roads and loved the idea of road maps and GPRS and all that, and most importantly, I had actually forgotten just how Busan really looked like.

As far as I knew it, Busan was pretty much how most of other towns in South Korea looked like.

It broke my heart a little, honestly, to know what his real intention was, but then again, I knew I was being delusional, and I had to accept, sadly, that not every assumption, or less, any assumption I made could really be factual. He didn’t seem to take note of it though, that I was quite upset thus I decided that it was for the best that I play along.

“Really?” I replied, looking out the shutter as a line of street shops swiftly passed by. “Well, that’s just sad”

“I admit to that” He said, matter-of-factly and stopped the car at the red light; he then pulled up his right sleeve to check on the time. “I’ve been to every other parts of the world but Busan, that’s really sad to know”

“Every other part?” I asked, suddenly curious for I had never gone beyond Jeju. “Where exactly are every other part?”

“Here and there” He replied and accelerated just when the light turned green. “The states, Europe and such…”

“Really? Have you been to France?”

He chuckled lightly. “Yes, I saw the Eiffel tower”

“Wah…how about the statue of liberty?”

“I’ve been there”

“The great wall?”

He nodded and pulled out his phone. “Several times actually. To be honest, I’m fourth generation Chinese”

I widened my eyes, taken by utter befuddlement. “No way! Really?” I peeked into his face to find any traces of a Chinese descendant yet realized how silly it was since he was actually a Chinese descendent.

He meddled with his phone for a moment before handing it over to me. On the screen was a photo of him, a younger version of him standing in the middle of the path of great wall. There was an elderly woman on his side, she looked so, so old that it was scary to think if her bones would shatter the next minute. I wondered how on earth she had made it that far on climbing it.

“That’s one of my aunts from China” He said, gesturing at my phone with his hand. “She passed away few months ago. She’s one of the last of the ancestral Chinese left of our family”

“I’m sorry to hear that” I said, returning to him the phone. “But it’s really awesome that you come from such a family”

He chuckled. “I guess…”

I gave him a closer look with narrowed eyes. “Hmm…now I come to think of it, you do look a little like Henry Lau. Do you have a Chinese last name too?”

He laughed and shook his head. “Not really…its better this way, my name is troublesome as the way it is now…”

I laughed a little in response. “Why is that?”

He smiled and replied before he took a swift turn. “Those business magazines, they always get my name wrong”

It took me longer than it should have to remember the Chinese calligraphy on every one of the handkerchiefs he gave me, but when I remembered it, and got the necessity of actually questioning him about it, the conversation had long passed by.

The journey to Busan over land would take quite long, yet it would have been enjoyable but since Sung Gyu needed to return soon, he decided to take the flight which took us less than I actually expected it to; We didn’t even have the time to take the nap that I was planning to indulge during the trip and once we had finally come out of the airport, Sung Gyu rented a car for the day and we simply took off.

It was a truly remarkable experience to return to the town where I was born and brought up, although most of my childhood memories here had faded away. It brought me a rush of nostalgia recalling the time I spent with Sung Jong, my school friends, my cousins and my mother; it pained my heart yet it decided to feign ignorance on my sentiments. I could barely remember the town though, even though it had been only eight years since I left but I was certain I remembered the road we took from my elementary school to back home with Sung Jong every single day, and if Sung Gyu would grant me the chance, I would visit my previous home and reminisce all the time we spent there together.

Sung Gyu was silent the whole time, as though giving me time to look around the city which I left eight years ago. He was looking around himself, and whenever he was lost on his ways, without asking me the directions (as though he knew my sense of directions) he simply checked on GPRS on the car.

After a twenty minute drive, we came to a massive structure of a hotel which I had no memories of seeing back in my old days.

“It’s new” Sung Gyu said as he closed ignition of the car, as though answering to my mental questions. “That’s probably why you don’t remember…”

“I guess…” I replied slowly and watched as he undid his seat belt and rearranged his attire. He was dressed in a navy blue suit, matched with a crisp white shirt and a blue tie, and in a rush he brushed his dark hair to a side with his fingers, reached the back seat, pulled out a laptop case and a few folders before turning to me.

“Come…you can stay in the lobby until we’re done”

I consented and together we both went ahead to the building.

The hotel was truly beautiful with Victorian style chandeliers and gargoyles and plain white walls. The floor was of clear cold marble and the suits of the bell boys were well pressed. The pleasant lady at the reception welcomed us with a warm smile, it became wider and more charming the moment she heard whom Sung Gyu was.

“Oh my, Sir, I’m glad to meet you…the youngest CEO of Seoul, Mister Choi is looking forward to see you”

Sung gyu’s smile was dazzling that I could swear the lady had her feet turning into jelly, and with her eyes widened with what seemed surprise and utter delight, she came out of the reception area, leading the way. Sung Gyu turned to me and gestured at the lobby where a set of pale yellow sofas rested in a certain formation. “I’d be back, Eunji…be safe”

I nodded and watch him hurry after the lady before settling on one of the sofas; to kill the time I had in hand, I resorted to check out the magazines they had stacked up around each of the sofa sets. Taking one of the business magazines they had, I realized, with a wildly beating heart what Sung Gyu was actually talking about.

There he was, on the front cover of it, smiling charmingly in a pale brown suit, leaning casually against a pillar which I remembered from the quadrangle of SK C and C looking as though he owned the world. The sad thing about the cover was that they had actually taken his name wrong. Instead of the vowel ‘eo’ of ‘Sung’, they had used the vowel ‘oo’ giving a completely different sense to it. I laughed momentarily remembering his face, but darn didn’t he looked just fine! I felt quite proud by the fact that he was the person that I infinitely crushed on.

Sung Gyu took at least two hours to return during which I read all the magazines that I possibly could. A waitress served me with a fresh glass of lemon and a cold towel and I realized that it was under the receptionists order, and the stay was actually quite productive for I came to learn of two facts through the magazines. For one, Sung Gyu was more popular among older women that he actually showed up in a women’s magazine (Looking just fine) and two, he was one of the richest young bachelors in the whole of Seoul. I couldn’t help but feel just proud to be someone by his side.

He returned after a while when I was only skimming through a cookery magazine and looked down at me with a smile. He seemed happier and definitely satisfied, which was doubtlessly indicating that the meeting had gone well. The receptionist who had gone red as a cherry greeted Sung Gyu a nice day in a stuttering voice, and once we were out of the place and back in the car, Sung Gyu leaned back against his seat and sighed heavily, closing his eyes. I remained silently, worried for the moment until his lips took up that charmingly satisfied smile of his.

“Did it…go well?” I asked, quite uncertainly and he turned to me in response, smiling. “Yes, and we’re starting tomorrow. The luck is on our side today, Eunji”

I smiled in response, unable to form a rightful word and tucked a falling strand of hair behind my ear looking ahead. He didn’t drive off immediately though; instead he ed and pulled off his blazer, undid his tie, undid his sleeves and rolled them up before throwing the discarded cloths to the back seat.

“It’s quite warm in Busan isn’t it” He commented, looking up at the sky with narrowed eyes. “It’s warmer than Seoul here”

I laughed awkwardly in response. “Well that’s Busan for you”

No sooner after we had hit the road, Sung Gyu turned up the air condition in the car and asked where I wished to go next. To be honest, I was surprised by the question because I never really did expect him to give me a Busan tour of some sort or a trip in home town rather than solely getting me to show him directions, The business trip certainly was going on a different way now, I figured, for one he didn’t look like a rich chaebol anymore but an old bachelor who had visited Busan for the thrills of it. When I didn’t retort to what he asked, he looked at me with curious eyes.

“Come on…where do you want to go?”

I was too surprised to even utter a word. He chuckled lightly then, his voice echoing in the silent ambiance of the car. “Eunji, the afternoon is yours; tell me where you wish to go”

I widened my eyes and glanced at him in utter horror. Did he actually plan to keep the afternoon for me?

Me?

He looked ahead, eyes narrowed, a simple smile playing on his lips. “You know, Eunji, you really did sound like you wanted to visit here last night…”

I went on maintaining my silence until he let out a heavy sigh. “Eunji, what now?”

“I thought you asked me to come to ask directions” I finally replied, my voice sounding lower than it normally was. “I didn’t think-,”

“I know you” He replied smoothly turning the wheel. “I know you perfectly well to also know it that you have absolutely no sense of directions…”

“Oh” was all I could say. But to be honest, I was happy, I was in stars to know it that he actually knew something significant about me and also because he actually brought me along because he felt that I needed this, and then, thinking back, I realized that I really did need this, to walk back and reminisce my past.

“So?” He asked again, staring straight at the road. “Tell me, I don’t have all the time in the world”

There was a tiny smile on his lips, although he did sound a little harsh, but I knew he wasn’t intending to, because he was Kim Sung Gyu.

“To my elementary school” I said, smiling through the balmy sunlight seeping through the crystal glass of the windscreen. ”Yang-Song elementary, it’s only from there that I know the way back home”

He smiled and checked on the GPRS system with curious eyes. “Ah. Here…”

“Found it?”

“Mmhm”

There was a strange leap in my heart then, as though the lost past was finally gearing up on me, and this, of course was a massive challenge for me because here I was, finally going back to the time where and who I was before I went into a mental breakdown which changed my entire life.

“Yang-Song elementary, here we come”

It took us quite a while to actually find the school although I remembered it to be a place which would easily catch one’s eyes. The school was still there, for my utter contentment and the moment he parked the car at the school car park, I leaped out of it as though I had really returned to school through time. I thought of Sung Jong and all the nasty, notorious things we had done in this grounds, the many people we bullied, the many times we got punished and ran circles around the ground, and finally the many times that we actually enjoyed the carefree time of our lives. It wasn’t a time we could return to even if we wanted to; we had all grown up, we had all passed a certain point of our lives, we had all come to the point where we stood at one stop and looked back at the way we came through, the people we met, the people we lost and the people we missed. Life was, indeed strange, it was even stranger to think that there would be one day when I would stop at one point again and look at this certain day; where would I be by then? Would I be this happy? Would I be sad? And most importantly, would Sung Gyu still be by my side?

A rush of nostalgia hit me when little girls and boys ran all over the ground where we used to run about in the very same uniform we used to wear. Eight years and nothing had changed, everything’s the same, everything’s indifferent; it was as though we were the only ones who went through the span of time.

Since I only knew the way home from school, Sung Gyu suggested we leave the car at school for the time being and walk the rest like Sung Jong and I used to back when we were twelve. This very idea excited me a lot more than I already were, thus without wasting another second, Sung Gyu locked up the car and we began to trod together down the stone pavement, tracing back the same way that Sung Jong and I used to take, now with Sung Gyu by my side.

Just as Sung Gyu said before, the sun was warmer here than it was in Seoul, as though the summer had arrived a little to earlier. The pavement was warm which I could feel through the ballet flats I wore and the wind which rushed by was scented of the late spring. The road was the same as before except for few street shops which had changed, the street lights were still the same, so were the trees of which the leaves had gone jade green. Sung Gyu walked along beside me, exploring the new surrounding with attentive eyes with his hands buried in his pockets, looking as fine as he would always be while I hopped along feeling happier than I ever had. It was wonderful to finally return to those days, to the lost time where everything was less complicated, where everything was simple and nice; spending a life where nothing seemed to work out how we wanted them to, nothing could ever be more soothing than to once return to those wonderful days, and what made it even more beautiful was the fact that this one humble wish was granted by the person whom I loved the most.

During the walk he would occasionally ask me about things I used to do back then. I showed to him the shop where Sung Jong and I went to buy lollies to eat during detention and the spot where we found Sugar, the cat whom his mother adopted and the bus stop where we saw that guy whom we thought looked like this guy from a TV sitcom we watched every week. He laughed a lot, his smile never left his eyes and once in a while would crack a joke on how much of a spoilt child I had been. I didn’t mind though, because I agreed to it myself; I was, of course a spoilt child and that was exactly what which taught me the lessons which I deserved.

After a ten minute long walk, I brought Sung Gyu to the place where Sung Jong and I used to eat after school. I was surprised that the food stall was still there. The taffeta roof of it was still dull green, the plastic chairs were still of the faded color of orange which I could still remember. The kitchen area of it was misted by the warm smoke and it reeked of cooking meat. Feeling delighted myself, I picked for ourselves a table for two and waited for the familiar Ahjussie to come by.

What was more surprising was that he was still there. I remembered that time when Sung Jong burnt his hand on the stove on which we made beef and the Ahjussie held his hand on running water while he cried like a girl. He was really kind, that Ahjussie was, what’s most significant about his appearance was the red bandana he always wore on his head. I remember Sung Jong telling me once that he probably had a huge wound of some sort there and we were planning to pull it off but never really got the chance to.

I didn’t reckon if he still remembered me though, because I was certain that I looked much different than I was back then.

We ordered Jjajangmyeon for lunch since I thought, after knowing that Sung Gyu was a fourth generation Chinese, it was the best idea to try a Chinese dish. Sung Gyu helped me with stirring the noodle since mine went a little cold and turned into a stubborn pulp while I was enjoying too much and we both slurped up the food with much enthusiasm; it tasted just the same as I remembered from the past.

After we were done, I took the risk of asking the Ahjussie if he could still remember me. He took his time to ponder upon it though, his brows creased, wrinkles which I didn’t remember from back then appearing on the sides of his eyes and after a while he said that he could quite remember my face.

“Was it you? The little girl who hung out with the boy who had big bright eyes?” He asked, in the end, looking at me closely. “The clumsy boy who burnt his hand so many times?”

I smiled and hopped in delight. “Yes! That was Sung Jong, Ahjussie you remembered!”

He gave Sung Gyu a look and asked sarcastically; “This isn’t him, right?”

I laughed shaking my head. Of course Sung Gyu couldn’t have ever had big bright eyes! “Nope…but he’s in Seoul now…”

“He visited frequently before he left to Seoul” the Ahjussie said, placing the empty bowls on the tray. “He grew up into a fine young man…and you too, child, I couldn’t even recognize you! Aigoo, these kids grow up so fast!”

I laughed awkwardly and lowered my head, feeling my cheeks getting warmer. After we had finished eating, we both wished Ahjussie for a nice day and hit the road once more. Ten minutes into the walk, Sung Gyu called out to me.

“Yeah?” I asked, curiously eyeing a kid who reminded me of this little boy whom I remembered from school.

“Your Busan accent is pretty good” He commented, looking at me with a smile. “I hadn’t met many people from Busan before, I was surprised, honestly when you could switch from one dialect to another”

I sighed, smiling. “Yeah…well, some things just never change”

He nodded in agreement, staring ahead just as we passed by a tree with branches. “Hmm, true…Some things just never change”

Another ten minutes and we were there at the junction where the grove to our housing scheme began. Even the junction hadn’t changed, the lamp post which had a flickering yellow light where a sparrow laid eggs as I remembered was still there but only the sparrow existed no more, so didn’t its nest, instead it had gone old and rusty, I doubted if it still did work. Our grove was on the right of the four-way junction and had two lines of Sakura trees on the either sides beside the side walk. None of the houses had walls separating them but ours had a small fence; I remember my father telling me that they had to put it up because I used to walk from house to house and get lost. Each of them had quite a wide lawn and in ours my father grew petunias but they died after my mother passed away. Ours was on the fourth house on the right, two blocks away on the left lived my grandmother and my unmarried aunt. My body went stiff at the memories of them. No matter what, they had been two people that I always wished to forget, that I always wished to never exist in my life. They were cruel to me almost all the time, and the reason for that, as my father said was the loathing they had towards my father, and they had passed it on to me. They had always been against the idea of my father marrying my mother because he was a musician; a saxophone player who used to play for a small town orchestra. My father was never a bad person, he was only a man who followed his dreams and my mother was someone who understood it but my grandmother and her unmarried daughter never saw the wisdom which constantly surrounded him.

I could almost remember the number of steps I had to make to reach my house from where the grove began. The Sakura trees were still there but their blossoms had died, the trees had nothing but branches as though the spring had taken their beauty along with it on its way. The entire area scented of damp earth though, no matter how warm it was and a dog barked incessantly from somewhere far. Sung Gyu who walked right by my side had pulled his left hand out of his pocket, and when we walked, his hand would brush by mine for the briefest moment, the very touch sent electric bolts throughout my veins. I feigned ignorance on this though; and in utter silence we walked on until we finally arrived by my house.

Seeing it standing there in solitude silence, tears pricked in my eyes. My old home, the home where I grew up in was still there, looking as same as before, but only the welcoming warmth had vanished, replacing it with something gloomy and dark lurking on its curbs. The grass in the lawn had grown high enough to reach our knees and it was almost impossible to see the fence which separated the abode from the others. Even the concrete path to the front porch was concealed under the growing grass; it was left out, abandoned, like I had done to my past.

With a deep breath I walked to the wooden gate and unlocked it, the gate opened with a creak and I could see the concrete path covered in moss just at the foot of the gate. There was a big yellow cat sleeping on the front porch, and seeing us it gave us a curious look, hopped down and went on its way. My father did say that the house now was a home for the neighborhood cats and he occasionally brought tins of tuna for them. It totally slipped my mind though, and I made a mental note to bring some the next time I visit.

Sung Gyu was right beside me when I reached the front porch. The wood made a stubborn screech once our feet hit the wood, and the roof of the front porch was so low that it almost hit Sung gyu’s head. We both stood on the porch and looked out at the lawn in utter silence as though we were both waiting for my past to disclose itself before our eyes although it was most unlikely to happen; when the next breeze rushed by, dark clouds concealing the pastel blue sky and the balmy sunrays behind them, the wind charm from my childhood days tinkled softly, the sea shells cluttering against each other in a soft tune. Distracted by the sound, I walked to the right side corner of the porch, Sung Gyu followed behind me and we both them gently, the sea shells as though they would shatter in our hands like a broken dream. Unconsciously then, our fingers touched, and Sung Gyu’s eyes met mine; I smiled in response.

I retrieved my hand then, feeling my cheeks burn when he smiled back, eyes glittering with a shine I had never seen in them before.  His fingers remained there, slowly moving the strings with sea shells and pearls attached making a gentle tune. “Yeppeuda” he said, in the end.

I must have been delusional at that time then, but I could swear I saw that his eyes were focused on me. “Thank you” I unconsciously replied. He chuckled in response then, indicating it to me that I had been gravely mistaken and tinkled the sea shells even more. “The wind chime, I mean…It’s beautiful”

I mentally face palmed myself but resorted to respond with a quick nod without going to the extent of being too transparent of how I felt.

“My father made it actually” I said, stepping back since I felt we stood too close to each other. “I was ten at that time, and it was the first time I visited a beach.”

“Really?” He asked, looking amused and I nodded in response.

“Yeah…my mother was always the very overprotective kind. She didn’t want to take me there until I was old enough…I was honestly fascinated the first time I stepped onto a beach; I loved how the waves rolled on the sand and how the horizon separated the big blue from the sky…in fact, until then I never knew that such a thing actually existed. What fascinated me the most was the fact that sea shells were actually hiding themselves in the sand. There were shells of different patterns and colors, and out of impulse, I collected a bucket full of them. My mother never liked the idea though, but my father let me bring those home. We didn’t know what to do with those, so my father made this….it had been hanging here since”

He smiled and blew at them a little heavily, making them dance even more, producing that tune which I remembered from my childhood days; what could have been the best idea came to my mind.

“Do you like it?” I asked, watching him playing with it with fascinated eyes. He nodded. “Of course…it’s beautiful, it’s made with so much of love…”

“Wait then” I told him, he turned to me, eyeing me with surprise but I ignored all the chances for him to question my conduct and unlocked the front door with the key which my father gave me earlier that day. He followed after me when I went inside, and I found the interior surprisingly clean; except for the incessant dust layered over the granite floor and the discolored walls, the place was perfectly clean, every other piece of furniture covered in polythene and bubble wrap. I hurried through the content inside before rushing upstairs. Sung Gyu followed after me, tracing every step I made and we both entered what used to be my old bedroom. Seeing the blue wall paper with ships ripped off, my heart sank in despair, but I ignored the fact that so much of time had passed before making it towards my wall closet. It was empty though, except for a few dust covered boxes, which I figured, carried memories I had been reluctant to carry along with my new life. There were my old toys and dolls and the toy cars which my uncles bought for me to tease my parents, among them I found what I was looking for.

After I had taken it into my hand, I blew on the dust which covered its pastel pink surface and cleaned it with ease. Sung Gyu gave me a curious look.

“A music box?”

I nodded with a smile. “I don’t remember when I got this but I was always afraid of it…”

He raised at me his brows. “It doesn’t look scary to me though”

“It is…I remember something similar in a horror movie”

He laughed in response. “Goodness! Eunji!”

I wasn’t afraid of it anymore though; that time where I was naïve and childish was long gone, leaving me lessons and memories to add to my life. With such an ease, I wined the music box using the tiny golden key on its back before pulling it open; it did, with a rusty screech and the familiar music began to play. It surprised me though, I never expected it to work this perfectly well.

“That’s ‘Over the rainbow’” Sung Gyu said, and pointed at the faded red plastic circle in the middle of it which had an iron knob twirling slowly. “What’s that?”

“Ah” touched the piece of plastic with a smile. “There was this scary little ballerina there; it was so horrifying that Sung Jong and I broke it off”

He laughed like it was the most fascinating joke that he had ever heard and tousled my hair. “I’m glad you grew up”

I glared at him before pushing the closet close. I didn’t know what got into me though, but I wanted to get out of this room all before my past would come and haunt my dreams.  Sung Gyu looked at his surrounding, as though he was visiting a museum or something and gestured at the torn wall paper. “What’s with the wall paper?”

I shrugged and gave him a sad smiled that it’s ripped. “My parents had thought I were a boy before I was born…I liked it anyway”

Sung Gyu buried his hands in his pockets and gave me a smile. “Now that I come to think of it, Eunji, you do have a very interesting past…”

Once we were back on the porch, I gave Sung Gyu the music book to hold it and reached out to the nail which kept the wind chime in place. It was attached to the wood by an iron string which had become quite rusty, and because of my height, I could barely take it down, standing on tip toes.

“What do you want to do?” Sung Gyu asked, after an irritating moment where I desperately tried to take it down. I stepped back with a sigh. “Can you reach it?”

“Of course…”

“Then can you take it down?”

He eyed me with surprise. “But why?”

“I don’t think it need to stay here any longer…”

He nodded and handed over to me the box before reaching out to the string with ease. He meddled with it for a moment, throughout which I watched eagerly, listening to the shrill sound it made until finally he brought it down with such care. He handed it over to me. “Here you go”

I opened the music box and gestured him to put it in, which he did, and I snapped the box close; thus I held it out to him with a smile.

“Here”

He raised his brows. “Why?”

“My present to you…take it, Sung Gyu-Ssi…”

“But why?”

I sighed, took his hand and placed it on the surface of the box. “I screwed up yesterday with the present…so here, Happy Birthday, Sung Gyu-Ssi…”

“Eunji” He began, looking at his hand resting on the box. “I told you, I don’t need any gifts, I’m just thankful that you were there yesterday….”

“But that doesn’t make me feel much better…Please take this, I really, really wish you would accept my humble gift…”

“But it’s yours, Eunji”

I nodded and pushed it towards him. “Yes, and that’s why I’m giving it to you…please?”

He sighed, looked down at the box and finally yet gently took it from my hands, I happily let go; delighted that he finally accepted it. I must have been delusional though, but I felt as though he was accepting my heart.

“Things you make me do, Eunji…” He mumbled, looking at the textures of the box. I smiled. “Well, thank you to you too…”

And that was when I saw a tiny cut on his index finger, bleeding crimson. He must have gotten it while untangling the iron string.

“Oh my, Sung Gyu-Ssi, there’s a cut on your finger…”

He looked down at it and smiled shyly. “Oh, that’s nothing”

I panicked seeing it out of impulse; I was so used to freaking out because Myung Soo always did whenever he get a tiny cut on his hand, afraid of getting a bloody mess, thus even now, without thinking far, and just how I would have done with Myung Soo, I took his hand and on the bleeding cut. Sung Gyu was still for a moment while I was at it, feeling the rusty iron taste of it reach my lips and all of a sudden he began to pull it away. “Eunji don’t!”

I heaved away and soon spat out to the grass before returning to him. “Okay, now wait a bit”

Hurriedly I fumbled through the content in my bag until I came across a plaster which I pulled out, ripped open and pasted gently around his finger before stepping back with a satisfied smile. “Done”

“Eunji” He whispered, as though he was horror struck. “You didn’t have to do it”

I shrugged. “Ah, that’s just nothing…I always did it for Myung Soo….”

At the mention of his name, my heart swelled in despair. How must he be feeling right now? He was so emotional, even the simplest happening could pull him down to his knees, being rejected? I couldn’t even imagine his despair, how much he must be hurting right now, stuck there in Jeju with no one to fall back on, I wished if I could go there and hold him in my arms, telling him that everything would be just fine-

“Eunji?”

“Eh?” I looked up, surprised that he suddenly interrupted my train of thoughts.

He gave a nervous smile. “What do we do now?”

“Oh…” I looked over his shoulder, remembering something from my childhood days and took his hand in mine. “Come on…there’s something I want to show you”

Back when I was just around seven or so, as my father said, I had become so lonely that I stopped talking and stared at blank walls; they must have freaked out by my doing, I guess, because they had built for me a play house in the back yard, along with a swing and a small platform to sit and stargaze with my father at night. I had no much memory of these though, because once I met Sung Jong, none of these had much worth to me, but now when I return to those days, I realized, we come to miss certain things when we couldn’t return to those times anymore.

Holding Sung Gyu’s hand, I made it to the back yard around the house. Sung Gyu wasn’t very good at skipping over rocks and walking through grass-as would a mighty young chaebol- thus I had to help him all the way through. The fence was still there, for my utter befuddlement, being home to crops wrapping around and rooting into the wood. We finally approached the backyard which seemed more like a long-lost dream, the shattered specks of what which used to be my childhood.

The wooden play house was nothing but a broken pile of wood now, rooted down by the growing crops. The patio was still there, covered in moss. Yet, for my utter contentment, the swing was still there, hanging down the rusty iron chains, moving the gentlest. Overwhelmed with emotions, I unconsciously squeezed Sung gyu’s hand. He looked down at me then, smiling gently as would a proud father and urged me to go on. Without wasting another second, I rushed towards the swing and got onto it, the iron made an excited creak, as though it was welcoming me warmly to this little journey into my long lost past.

Just like he did that night at the play area, Sung Gyu began to push the swing from behind me. The wind rushed by us, carrying the scent of damp earth and the grass which has grown so tall rustled gently against each other. There was another cat on an old chair which my father had left out to rot, comfortably grooming itself. I sighed heavily in delight. Returning to Busan was a wonderful idea indeed.

“Eunji?” He called out, slowly pushing the swing as the chains creaked with every push. “How do you feel?”

I looked up at the sky and realized that it would rain soon, even though sun was shining at its brightest.

“I feel wonderful” I replied in the ended. “I feel like I am finally accepting what I left behind…”

“Hmm” He murmured in a slow voice. “And I’m glad that you enjoy it…after yesterday, this is least of what I could do…”

I pressed my foot to the stone ground, forcing the swing to stop. He looked quite surprised by my conduct, thus I reached out and wrapped my hand on his, which rested the rusted chain. “Sung Gyu-Ssi…this is more than what I could ever imagine…in fact, I never expected you to do anything like this for me…you did so much, and still you say that it’s least of it?” I sighed and tried to smile. “You see, I don’t even know how to thank you…”

“You don’t have to…” He said, smiling the gentlest. “I had always wanted to do something for a little sister, and you gave me the opportunity…Thank you…”

I shouldn’t deny and sugarcoat it that his words did break my heart. Of course, I knew that I shouldn’t be pushing things, I knew that I shouldn’t try to expose myself until he would dig the gold out himself. But the sad and bitter fact that I, in his eyes was just a little sister was too much for me to handle. I had no rights to search for chemistry in this relationship he and I shared, but I wanted it to exist, in whatever the form I wouldn’t care; nevertheless, thinking it through, I realized, it was better for some things to be left unheard, unexplained all because I wanted to secure something precious I already had, because I didn’t want things to change. Suddenly I realized that I too had landed myself in the same boat that Myung Soo had been on, in the end shattering into oblivion.

Would that be the same fate for me? I could never tell. Myung Soo, Sung Gyu and I were three completely different entities to begin with.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, during which we basked in the serene humidity while Sung Gyu went on gently pushing the swing, it began to rain cats and dogs. I freaked out momentarily, going stiff at the feel of the drizzle hitting my skin because soon after, thunder began to break, and the memories from that fateful day simply came into my mind. It was then that Sung Gyu stopped pushing the swing, reached out and took my hand. I looked up, he was smiling, a kind warmth emitting from his eyes.

“You know Eunji, face what fears you…come on…”

With that, he pulled me up on my feet and led me to the platform where my father and I used to stargaze late at night. The rain crashed incessantly, thunder broke on, and I stiffened with every bolt until Sung Gyu soothingly placed his hands on my shoulders.

“Make memories, Eunji, make memories to override the memories you have…”

With every drop which crashed, we drenched in the cold crystal drops. Sung Gyu’s hair was caked onto his forehead, droplets sliding down like teardrops, the crisp white shirt he wore was now of the color of his skin, the hands which rested on my shoulders had gone pale, yet, I realized what he actually meant by overriding the memories I had. The very view of his was being painted in my mind, my heart beating heavily at the beautiful sight unveiling before my eyes; he wasn’t only the epitome of perfection, no, because it was so transparent, the fact that he wore his heart on his sleeve, and I knew, at that very moment, that the time we spent with our loved ones, the memories we made together were to indeed hide away those memories that we were afraid to recall, because we all desired to hide them away and move along with life.

Sung Gyu’s hands slowly slid away from my shoulders when the tension in my heart died, and the sound of the beating thunder didn’t bother me anymore, not even the lightning even though it crashed at regular intervals, even though what we were doing was more or less perilous. I looked up at the sky and closed my eyes before the rain could crash into them, and raised my hands which briefly touched Sung gyu’s chest. He didn’t seem to mind though, neither did I, because, for a moment, we were both mutual in this span of time. He too stepped back then, and for a moment we both stood there in the thundering storm, drenched under the cloudburst as though it was the most natural thing on earth, trying to gather the falling rain in our hands. There was a small smile gracing his lips, eyes focused on the water gathering in his hand and I was concentrating on my hand no more but him; this was indeed the best way to cure a grim fear which I had lurking in my heart.

“You know…” He said, through the sound of water crashing endlessly on the grass and around us. “This is the riskiest thing that I had ever done in my life…”

I widened my eyes, not finding my words to respond. He focused his eyes onto me then, smiling warmly and I could swear that my heart lost its ways. “I don’t know why but…this is actually really….” He sighed and looked down at our feet, at the raindrops crashing onto the mossed concrete stage. “Unbelievable…”

I bit my lower lip, anticipating something, which, of course owing to how delusional I was, was beyond the point of question. Sung Gyu couldn’t possibly admit to something of the sort, he wasn’t the kind to, and it hadn’t been long since he admitted it that I was in fact, a little sister in his eyes.

“Unbelievable…really…” He muttered again and looked back at me. “I have never done anything like this before…”

I honestly couldn’t understand what he was getting at. Was he either too confused? Or was it that he was completely unaware of where he was honestly heading to? I was confused myself, by his conduct, by his words, for they really didn’t conspire at any positive point, as though they were two completely different entities. Thus, I ventured silence, afraid to have anything going wrong at this point where we stood, unaware of what exactly we were to each other.

He sighed in the end and stepped closer, looking up at the sky. “Ah…It doesn’t matter anyway” He mumbled. “Let’s just stay like this for a moment”

And we did, but only, the moment went on for longer than we expected it to.

The rain had died and we were sitting on the stage, watching silvery droplets of water sliding down the tips of grass soundlessly, listening to the sound of our breath when we heard a woman’s voice from a far. We didn’t react though, for we were in a secluded place where surely anyone had no intention whatsoever to intrude; however, when the voice got nearer and came to sound unbelievably familiar, I took Sung Gyu by his hand, and he turned to me.

“I think we should go”

Sung Gyu was confused for a moment though, intently listening to the voice coming from somewhere close by, along with an obvious rustle of grass, and he glanced at me attentively, as if he got the inkling.

“Is that, by any chance…?”

“I think…” I whispered and climbed down the stage. “Let’s go…”

He still seemed unsure of what to do; in the end though, he complied sans parole, and together we made it around the house, Sung Gyu holding the music box from before tightly against his chest. We had only made it towards the stone path when suddenly the dreaded figure from my childhood days emerged from among the tall grass, with an umbrella in her hand. She had grown older, wearier, eyes slanted, almost invisible, greying hair cut short and standing at every direction. She was calling out to her cat, most probably, but none of these details mattered to me anymore, for my entire self-went stiff at all the most horrid memories she had left in my heart.

Here was the woman who despised me so, and called me a murderer, a killer every time she’d lay her eyes on me, all towards the point where I wasn’t myself anymore. Out of instinct, I wrapped my hands around Sung Gyu’s arm and pressed myself against him, as though to secure myself and him too, as though he got the message held me closer and said that everything will be just fine.

‘Face what fears you’ His words from before echoed in my mind, and I realized, that moment honestly had come by. I had never been afraid of anything more than I was afraid of her.

My grandmother.

For one perceptible moment, Sung Gyu and I stood still on the spot of the stone path where we stood, I wishing for her to change her ways. She didn’t seem to have noticed the two of us yet, however, if she wouldn’t move along, she was in the proximity of catching our presence. When she moved closer, I held my breath, and her eyes met mine. Out of impulse, I moved into Sung gyu’s embrace.

Grandmother seemed surprised for one silent minute, staring at the two of us as she stared back, as if trying to make out whom exactly we were. It didn’t take long for her to recognize us, recognition dawning across her face and just when I expected for her to lash over to me, throwing at me all the hurtful words she used to tell me and make me feel as though I were useless void, she did something which I couldn’t ever even imagine in my wildest dream.

My grandmother made a few steps towards me, and she began to cry.

It’s strange, how it takes more than we wish to, for us to realize just when and where we had gone wrong in life, it’s even stranger when we realize that we had turned back on something which could have mattered to us the most and later search for all the prospects to get it back; crying in desperation and unconditional guilt. When my grandmother treated me worse than she would a lump of void, being the young girl I was, I never knew what reason she had to behave that way, nor did I have reasons to retaliate for it had never occurred to me that I should. All that I knew back at that time was that she despised me and that I was horrified of her and that I should steer clear of her at all costs.

Looking back now, what I had been doing back then was just right, for now, she didn’t harbor that boiling hate on me anymore, for my very conduct had proved it to her, I had never hated her but feared her, that I had never been a threat to her, but her to me. Most importantly, where this all had dawned on her was the time which I was gone from her life.

Just then, she must have known, she had lost me, and that had simply been her loss.

I stood there still as stone, feeling Sung Gyu pushing me towards my grandmother, resting his hand on my back as she held me close and cried all that she had. She made no sound, the incessant convulsion being the only indication of her crying and her fingers sinking into my skin, and for a moment I stayed still trying to believe. It was eccentric, honestly, when someone you feared over your life becomes so vulnerable before your eyes; I was left with no ways to react.

In the end, she looked up, her tiny eyes reddened with despair and held my face. She seemed of no threat to me anymore, instead, she needed to be forgiven, she’s desperately wanted to be forgiven and take back what she had done to me.

“You have come back…” She whispered, caressing the wet skin of my cheeks. I had no idea how to respond, thus I tried to smile. “You have come back, Eunji…You disappeared all of a sudden, you have no idea how it killed me inside…”

“Halmeoni” I managed in the end and Sung Gyu squeezed the hand which he held in encouragement.

“But it doesn’t matter now…you are just fine….and I heard…” She trailed off then and pulled me into her embrace. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I never knew…”

“I’m Fine, Halmeoni…” I whispered, slowly bringing my free hand to her bony back. “I’m fine now…it’s okay…”

“It will never be okay…I hurt you so much, Eunji…I hated you….”

I didn’t know how to respond at that moment because I too knew how wronged I was and how much I feared to live and linger around in her presence. How she used to feed the biscuits to her puppy telling me that I didn’t deserve any and how she used to beat me up whenever something went wrong; I feared her, she was a nightmare for me, and I myself wasn’t certain if everything was okay now.

For the fear, the scars, the wounds she gave me were still there in my heart. But then again, this was the moment where I reconciled with my grandmother, to face what I fear and move along from the point where I stopped trying.

“It’s all over now…Halmeoni” I said in the end and pulled away from her. “We all do mistakes in life, and what matters the most is admitting them in the end, I forgive you, and god will too…”

I could feel Sung Gyu smiling gently from beside me, squeezing my hand appraisingly. I looked up at him out of reflex only to see him giving a softest nod; what I had done was right.

Halmeoni had followed my eyes, and I could see her looking down at our entangled hands. Of course, it wasn’t always that a girl and a guy would hold hands and stand together in an abandoned lawn, drenched in the rain unless it meant something more than a mere acquaintance. Sung Gyu released my hand immediately but I held it back, earning from him a surprised look. I could almost imagine what my grandmother was thinking just now, but I couldn’t afford to have her thinking bad of Sung Gyu by trying to elaborate what exactly we were for each other. Just for this moment I allowed her to accept whatever she imagined us to be, because there were things more important for her to matter in this world.

“You have grown up so well…” She said in the end, smiling the slightest. “And you look just like your mother, Eunji…”

I smiled shyly, and she diverted her eyes to Sung Gyu before placing her hand on his cheek. Sung Gyu looked a tad bit uncomfortable, eyes unmoving from her face and I held my breath.

“Take care of her well…” She said, and for my surprise, without retorting the truth, he nodded in reply. “I will…”

I could swear my heart stopped at his very words although it was a spur of the moment condition, however he knew just how to make best of every situation.

There was a moment of silence then, and that felt so eerie and dark, as though something gloomy was lurking in the air engulfing us. Eventually, my grandmother took my hand in hers.

“I wish…I wish you returned a little sooner…Eunji…you hid away for too long…”

There were tears in her eyes, and they were pleading, as though begging me to not to disappear once more. I felt a tight lump forming in my throat, and Sung Gyu seemed to have noticed it too that he firmly held my hand.

It didn’t take much long to realize what exactly had gone wrong.

“After you disappeared…” she replied, in a futile attempt of hiding her evident sorrow. “After you disappeared, Eunji…your aunt, she killed herself….you were the only trace we had left of your mother…Eunji…and she couldn’t bear it that you were gone…”

They say that people come and go in our lives; that they just appear there out of the blue, leave you memories-good or bad- and disappear the same way that they came to our lives. What’s strange about this was that we could never be certain of when they would come to you, when they would disappear, what they would do to you, what memories they would leave with you and how long they would be there in the span of your life; thus we would never be ready for what’s coming on your way, and that’s why it hurt you so, because they give you no reason at most times, they give you no chance to say good bye but leave you, just like that, with a scar on your heart.

Maybe that’s why we’re afraid to make bonds with whom we meet in life because we’re afraid of hurting, we’re afraid of having to live with a bleeding heart, yet, despite how much we fear this, we still make the bonds that we sought for, we still love, we still lose and we still try to go on living through the pain.

But some, at their loss, when they couldn’t bear the pain anymore, they retaliate on their very own lives.

At times, I just couldn’t understand why people suddenly decide to die without letting god to take them away when the right time arrives.

Since Sung Gyu and I had our flight due at six in the evening, we returned to the car soon after we had bid my grandmother goodbye. She didn’t really like the idea of me returning to Seoul so soon thus I had to assure her that I’d return and added it that my father was still in hospital with a heart attack; I had absolutely no idea what could have changed her attitudes towards me in such a short time span of eight years, but when we were back in the car Sung Gyu asked me if I were surprised by how she treated me. Indeed, I was, for it was a complete transformation; just when I had expected her to yell at me profanities, what she did was crying in my arms; Sung Gyu smiled warmly then, watching as the vipers cleaned the windshield before us and replied. “People change as a result of what happens in their lives Eunji…”

And Sung Gyu’s words, as always were the most eloquent, giving answers to all the doubts I had.

We drove back to the airport in silence, allowing our clothes to dry in the heater inside. Sung Gyu gave his blazer to cover myself probably because my soaked clothes showed more of my skin and turned down the heater since it was getting warmer. We couldn’t talk anything much more than an occasional exchange of words, half of the time, Sung Gyu was on his phone, checking up on what he had missed during the time we spent at my house.

It was just around five when we arrived at the airport, and after we had boarded, I soon fell asleep; in my dreams I saw my grandmother leaving me under the rain, carrying her puppy inside while the thunder broke so loud. I must have lucidly reacted to it, for when I finally opened my eyes, Sung gyu’s hand was resting on mine while he peacefully dozed off.

When we finally arrived at Seoul, it was past seven thirty in the night, and when Sung Gyu invited me out for dinner, I gently declined; I probably need a good rest and time for myself.

Everything happening around me was too confusing for me to handle with the frail heart I had.

Howon visited me late that night with two packs of dinner from his mother’s place. He hadn’t done anything to his hair, he probably hadn’t had time to, and told me that I didn’t need to visit my father that night since he was expecting me to be resting at home. He had brought puppy along, for my utter contentment which also gave him the chance to go home without staying for the night. During dinner we spoke of this and that, and all out of the blue, he asked me the most unexpected question ever.

“So you and Gyu hyung, eh?”

Momentarily I ventured silence for I had no idea how I should reply. To be honest, I didn’t know it myself, what exactly we were to each other. We held hands, we embraced each other at times, we dozed on one another’s shoulders and we shared our tales as though it was the most natural thing for us to do; but exactly where we were heading to? Where did we stand at this point of life? Of course, I loved him, I had no doubt about that, I could never question the love I had for him, for I had never been certain of my feelings, I had never been this so confident about what exactly my heart said, before, as much as I were now; but what I was uncertain, or rather had no clue of, was what exactly he felt about me. A little sister? A good friend? Then why would his action be so…unclear when his words meant otherwise? He was leaving me confused, leaving me in a dilemma; either he was just clueless, unaware of where he was heading to or he just knew it all but was reluctant to admit; maybe he had reasons; of course, I knew that he had his very own secrets that he was unwilling to reveal; thus maybe, just maybe, the secrets he was hiding from me were making him just so stubborn to accept it that he must go on with his life.

In the end, Howon dropped the subject and pretended that it never happened; I realized, he too had understood that both Sung Gyu and I were clueless of what we exactly were to each other.

Maybe, it was a question which should never be asked.

And I realized, just as sad as it might be, the puzzle which I’ve landed myself on, was yet to be resolved.

That night, I ran the relevant errands, fed puppy his dinner, called Howon to reassure that I was safe in case it worried him and refreshed myself in a warm bath before settling down to sleep. I thought of calling Woohyun first and ask how the things were there in Jeju and apologize for running away all of a sudden, but the memories of our last encounter stopped me from doing so, my cheeks getting warmer at his conduct and decided against it, making a mental note to treat him to lunch when he returns to apologize for what I did. I wanted to call Myung Soo too, but then again, I realized, I still wasn’t ready to hear his voice, and he too, was probably not planning to meet me, let alone hear my voice any sooner; that was just how Myung Soo was like. I thought of texting Sung Gyu too, but decided against it, I had taken up too much of his time, and I was confused; I needed time without him to ponder upon the problem I had in hand. Therefore I decided to keep this whole night all for myself.

I discarded my wet clothes from before and resorted to clean my room until sleep would come upon me, starting with the bag I carried that day. The content wasn’t drenched for my utter contentment, or I would be done for good and one item after another, I pulled them out until I came across something which had been long forgotten in my mind.

I giggled at the sight of it, unconsciously, seeing the irony of it.

I had, indeed, made a collection of handkerchiefs he had given me inside my bag. There were four in count, one spotted with blood from the second day of our encounter where I had cut myself and the other three from god knew where. I took them all in my hand and examined the embroidery in each of the white pieces of cloth. Each of them had a design different from the other but the same Chinese calligraphy in different colors. One had two yellow birds, another had a kitten playing with yarn, the next one which was spotted with blood had a simple flower design, the last and the most recent one he gave me had a red rose; all of these done with very fine details, and I presumed that they were probably made by hand.

It was most probably made by his aunt from china because he sounded as though he loved her so, but what seemed strange to me were the designs; they didn’t seem much like they were made by an aunt to a nephew, but more like they belonged to a girl.

They probably belonged to his sister, and I knew I had no reasons to think too far.

Although the memories of him telling me of her who loved green tea latte so was haunting my mind…

I knew that I shouldn’t think too far; and I harbored this thought long until something swiftly caught my eyes. The handkerchief with a rose had two tiny red hearts on a corner. Seeing this, I hurriedly checked on the others, and realized that they all had the very same two tiny pair of hearts.

Still, I decided to not to think too far. This particular thought didn’t work exactly how I planned it though, for it never seemed to leave my mind; the rose, the hearts and whatever the Chinese words could mean. I wanted to ask someone, I wanted to ask Sung Gyu himself, but then there was this tiny voice in my mind saying on and on that I shouldn’t do anything at all until the right time would come by. I didn’t know if I was given the right to. Eventually, I had fallen asleep with the cloth with a rose pressed against my heart.

This chapter came out too long so I divide it to two.

Anticipate part two! enjoy!