I didn't sleep at all that night. I simply stared up at the dark ceiling, eyes achingly dry. I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry or scream.

I was afraid. Oh, god I was so scared. I could never admit that to Taeyeon, but all I could think about was walking into that clinic alone and having that procedure done. What if it didn't go well? What if I ended up never able to have kids because I chose to do this? From what I read when I researched the abortion techniques that they used, those things weren't likely to happen but just the fact that they were listed as potential side effects made my heart pound.

I was also afraid that I would do this now and then look back and realize that I made a huge mistake. Granted, it was a decision we made together even though it took a little bit of pushing to get Taeyeon to see that this was what he really wanted all along. But still... it was possible. And if I did end up scarred forever by the possible side effects I wouldn't forgive myself.

The tugging I felt in my chest every time I thought about what was going to happen tomorrow was painful. I knew it was my heart, crying, begging, pleading with me to see this through and have the baby. I knew it was that tiny little romantic part of me that still cherished the idea behind giving birth in the first place.

Whenever I thought of having a baby, I pictured myself with a husband. To me, there was no better gift you could give to a man than to bear his child. Sure, you are in love. You've shared everything else in the world. But a baby... that's a piece of him. That's a piece of both of you, a representation of the deep, undying love you share sent up to the cosmos and reflected back to you in the form of a living, breathing miracle.

I could still see it; us together. I could picture how he would breathe with me when I went into labor, how his reassuring grip tight on my hand would be the only thing tethering me to the world when the pain became too much to bear. I knew he would never leave my side no matter what. And I knew that once I was exhausted and our child was out of me, he would wipe the sweat off of my forehead and kiss my cheek, laughing with amazement at whatever it was that allowed me to do such a crazy thing in the first place. And in that moment, maybe he would be able to believe that a love between us was possible, just as me nourishing our child for nine months within my own body was possible. Neither of us would understand how it had happened, but that was the beauty of it.

Those things that are impossible to understand are what make up the basis of human nature. It's what keeps us functioning, and it would have been what kept him and me together even after our son or daughter was old enough to take care of themselves and we were alone in whatever home we built together over the years.

But it wasn't meant to be. Both of us came to that conclusion together. Though, if I was being completely honest I still wasn't sure how I felt. Abortion was scary. And it was my body that would be violated by professional strangers. My uterus that would be scraped clean of any traces of what Taeyeon and I could have shared.

Part of me, the rational part knew that this was the right decision. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to be so much more than a teen mom. And sure, classes online were an option and maybe I could get away with that for a few months. But after I gave birth, I would end up so overwhelmed. I would keep trying to keep up, but soon I would fall behind and then get immersed in the world of motherhood. I couldn't let that happen.

I was only eighteen. I wasn't ready to be a mom. It was a world I didn't have to be a part of. No, this abortion was the right choice. My mind knew that. The rational parts of me knew it. But I couldn't help the tugging of my heart every time I thought about the fact that by this time tomorrow, I would be just Jessica again, not Jessica and baby.

In less than twelve hours, my short sojourn into Planned Parenthood will be over. And this baby inside of me will be nothing more than a memory of the summer I spent with Kim Taeyeon.

*  *  *
 

By the time the birds began chirping around six on Friday morning, the butterflies in my stomach had grown into full waves of nervousness. My house was still silent and dark, but I couldn't bear to lie in my bed for a minute longer. The thought that in only six hours I would be in the clinic, possibly already seated in an examination room made me nauseous. I couldn't believe that the time had passed so quickly even though it felt agonizingly slow from the moment I set my head on the pillow around eleven the night before.

I got out of the bed, walking over to one of my windows. When I pulled it open, the smell of damp air assaulted my nose and I realized that at some point in the night it must have rained. It was a sad testament to my sanity that I couldn't remember hearing it at all even though I hadn't slept a wink. With a sigh, I dragged a chair over to the window and sat, laying my arms across the sill and my head on my arms. My eyelids lowered slowly as I stared out the window at the trees in our front yard.

Soon, a little dusting of pink light caught my eye and I turned my head slightly. For the next couple of minutes, as I sat with my head pillowed on my arms, I watched the sunrise right outside of my window. It was so slow; first the oranges and pinks, and then faint hints of purples and reds as the white clouds rolled into the sky. And finally, the hue of blue that gradually lightened as the sun crept higher until it found its place in the sky.

I found myself tearing up at the sight. It was just so beautiful. And so simple. How could nature be so wonderful and terrible all in the same breath? That same patient yo-yo of the sun we all saw each day was only one facet of what Mother Nature was capable of. She was a rough teacher; showing us unspeakable beauty one second and unrecoverable disasters in the next.

Man has tried forever to control her. Storm predictors, weather forecasts... when it came down to it none of that stuff really worked. She was going to do what she wanted to, no matter what we had to say against it.

But everything had a purpose. I always believed that. And every decision anyone made would ultimately affect their destiny. My hand slid off the window sill and found its way over my stomach, settling there for a long moment. Each tiny cluster of cells was meant for more. At one point, I was a cluster of cells, too.

Maybe this pregnancy was a lesson for me. Maybe this was Mother Nature trying to tell me something and I wasn't catching her message.

As the July heat began to waft into my room, I sat back from the window. Maybe she was trying to teach me, but right now all I knew was that it was a new day and I had something important to do. I sighed, removing my hand from my stomach and reaching up to close the window before I let out all of the air conditioning. Then, after running that hand over my tired face I got up and headed to the bathroom. It was time for me to prepare for the day.

*  *  *
 

"Jessie, honey what are you doing up so early?" My mom asked with surprise, halting in mid-step when she saw me sitting in the kitchen. I glanced up at her. She looked good in a grey skirt with a red short sleeved blouse and her favorite pair of black pumps. I knew she was heading into the office to get some work done. As a real estate agent, once she got back from her trip she was all business once again. From what I understood she was going to be showing clients houses all day long.

"I couldn't sleep," I mumbled. I wasn't sure how I had ended up in the kitchen in the first place. I couldn't eat anything without throwing up and besides I was told to not really have much to eat in the first place. Still, somehow I was sitting at the table, staring at the scarring and scratches on the dark wood.

My mom frowned, taking a step closer to me, "Is everything alright?"

I snapped out of my nervous misery and plastered a tired smile on my face, "Yeah. I think it was just a little too hot in my room last night is all."

She looked at me for a long moment before nodding slowly. "Okay. I'll talk to your father about it. You need your sleep."

"Thanks, Mom."

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