I couldn't do it anymore. I needed a break from the emotional overload that had been clouding every moment of my life since I met Kim Taeyeon. I needed some distance.

It had been a week since I had seen him. He kept calling me and guilt was the only thing keeping me from letting it go to voicemail. I promised him that I would talk to him later that night at the diner. Last time I hadn't been there for him I felt terrible afterward.

What I was doing probably wasn't that much better. He called me, we talked for all of ten minutes before he would sigh and ask me in his gentle voice what was wrong. Each time, it took everything in me not to hang up right then. That voice grated on me, brushed so softly against my susceptible nerves. It was the same voice those three words were uttered in. The three words that never really existed and were only the product of a cruel trick my mind decided to play on me in the middle of the night when my thoughts were most vulnerable.

I couldn't bear to see him. He would ask me. Let me take you somewhere. We need to talk. Some part of me desperately wanted to go, if only to gaze at him, to be reminded of the lines and ridges that I became so painfully familiar with. I pushed that part far down, buried it behind my other foolish urges. Instead, I went only by self-preservation instincts. And they were screaming at me to stay away. To learn who I was again and how I felt. I couldn't do that if I was constantly exposed to him.

I could hear the frustration in his tone each time I made up an excuse for why I wouldn't come and see him. He treated me so carefully as though he was perfectly aware that something was terribly wrong. But he couldn't stop himself from getting upset with me. However, this time he would have to stay mad. I couldn't try to patch things up. I needed to nurse myself back to rationality first.

My parents could tell that things were out of whack, too. Emotions were never my father's strong suit. He chose to ease around me, treat me like everything was normal, knowing that it would be Mom that would try to pry down the hard shell I built around myself for protection. She only asked me once or twice, but I made it very clear that I had no intentions of talking to her about it, or anyone else for that matter.

Once again, I was reminded of how desperately I needed Tiffany. I was hopelessly lost. I didn't know what to make of that dream. Was it a reality I was hoping for, or simply a hormone fueled fantasy? We had gotten pretty close at the diner, closer than ever before since... well. Since that night. But just like in the dream, there was no ulterior motive. It was solely emotion driven. I was confused by that too.

What did he want from me? I lay in my bed that Monday morning, groaning into my pillow with aggravation. How was I supposed to know that? It wasn't like we just came out and talked about that kind of stuff. And even if we did, it wouldn't matter at this point. In two weeks, he would be heading to Hong Kong and I would be here. No one ever tried to start things that late into the game. And once again, I still wasn't sure if that was what I wanted.

I felt like anything in the world could set me off. I had been jumpy all week; something as simple as a door shutting behind me made my heart pound in my chest. A blush was constantly in my cheeks. I couldn't escape the trembling that had started that night when I woke up and realized that I had imagined it all.

Every agonizingly perfect second of it.

A warm flush filled my face at the thought and I swallowed hard, forcing away the images of the criss-cross of veins that stood out in the creamy flesh of his arms and the feel of his fingers when they brushed over my skin. It wasn't fair to do this to myself. I was too afraid to go out, too nervous to leave my house and I was barely even leaving my room. I had things that needed to be done; college was creeping closer and closer. But those first couple of days, with all of the emotions rushing through my head, making my thoughts spin in hopelessly complicated patterns, I knew there was no way I would be able to do anything.

Now wasn't so bad. I was at least able to control where my mind wandered. There were a few times where I caught myself drifting, but I always managed to reel it in before the shivery feeling overtook me and I was completely incapacitated. I needed to go out and be a real person again. I couldn't keep avoiding my problems.

And besides, I knew that if I stayed in the house for one more day my mother would march up into my room, shut the door, and demand that I explain to her exactly what was going on. And there was no way in hell that that was going to happen. The last thing I wanted to do was try to put into words everything that happened in my dream.

With that thought, I forced myself to get out of bed. It was almost eleven in the morning, past time for me to be up and about. Taking a deep breath, I headed into the bathroom and started a shower. At the last minute, I grabbed my Ipod and hooked it up to the Ihome that sat unused on the counter. As the hot water poured over me and eased tense muscles and the music blasted, after a while I almost felt normal. While I stood under the steaming spray, I finally allowed my mind to probe at the spot that I had under lock and key.

What did I want? I knew I wanted to make it through the summer with my sanity intact. I knew I wanted to go to college and make something important of myself. I knew that one day, I wanted to meet someone special and be happy. I knew I didn't want to go to college with a boyfriend. But at the same time, I knew that I cared about Taeyeon in some way, even if it wasn't romantic.

He was a good friend, but most of all he was a good person. I knew it the moment he broke down a door and knocked someone unconscious to save me even though I spent four years of his life treating him like . I saw it in how he treated his mother, the careful way he arranged her pillows when she laid in her bed, the swiftness with which he responded to her every request, and the devastation that lined his face every time she was in pain. He made me laugh all summer and never demanded anything in return. Even when he wasn't entirely himself, he made sure he wasn't taking advantage of me, and still he apologized for his treatment of me even though he didn't do anything but show me the utmost care and consideration.

I didn't know what to make of him, but I knew I wouldn't know what I wanted until I knew what he wanted. But if I was being completely honest, I wasn't sure that I wanted to know. Not at this point.

By the time I got out of the shower, I had come to the conclusion that ignorance was bliss and rather than add unnecessary complications to both of our lives, I was content to leave things where they were. And as the rational side of my brain applauded me for my smart, mature decision, a tiny place in my head cried out in distress. But I ignored it.

Soon I'd be able to see him. I would have to; we didn't have much longer together. I picked up my phone and saw a missed call from him already. I sighed and set the phone down. Soon I would be able to. But not now.

**********
 

My trip into town was unexpectedly relaxing. When I sat in my car and drove through the streets I had grown up around I finally began to feel like myself. I finally started to feel comfortable in my own skin. The steering wheel felt familiar, the tiny general store on the corner smelled like I always remembered.

I think I was finally able to stop being afraid that everything was a dream and that I would wake up, gasping and crying again.

I only had a few things to get - some last minute college supplies and a few groceries that my mother had asked for - but I was loath to return home so fast. Instead, I took my time. I sm