A Girl's Diary
[Series] E.L.F. s Dream
PART 4
My days…it passed by so quickly. How can I miss the days? I wonder if he knows it…
Today, maybe…maybe it will be the last…I can feel it. It would have been yesterday, or the other day. But I can certainly feel my heart going faint by the second. My days have extended already, two days? Three? I don’t know anymore. Looking at him, I feel regretful. Heechul oppa…my husband…even if it’s just a make wedding, looks really tired. His eyes even if he hides it through thick make-up saying that he just came from work; I can see that they are puffy.
Another day spent together at the sea. We’ve found a special place. But now, I’m just too tired to stand. For a week, he always carries me on his back just to be able to get here.
“Wangja~nim,” I whispered, finding it hard to speak. “Aren’t you tired yet?”
“My goddess is just too light, I can’t even feel your weight. Don’t worry about me.” An obvious fact, I lost so much weight.
He prepared a chair for us right in front of the sea. Everytime we go here, it’s always like this. The warm feeling envelopes me again.
He held my hand. “We’ll see the sunset again.” He said happily but I know that his smile is fake, because his eyes are glittering. That he’s just trying to hide his worries.
I leaned a head upon his shoulder. He touched my hair. “Your hair is still long, it feels good to touch.” He nuzzled my hair. “Smells like flowers, too.”
“That’s because I don’t want to take chemotherapy. It only hurts me.” A whisper again. I’m too tired to speak,
even too tired to breath. “Oppa…I’ll just meet you there okay?” I said pointing to the skies.
“Yah…stop saying those things.” He looked at me. “Are you sleepy? Your eyes are low.”
“Yes…but I’ll wait for the sun to set.” I leaned closer to him, putting my lips closer to his ear. “Oppa…I think I’m done.”
He was holding back his tears, I can see it. “(name)~yah…”
“When I die…I will be with you always. I will sing with you…I will laugh with you…I will…” I closed my eyes…so this is the feeling of dying…it’s…overwhelming that I want to give in.
“(name)~yah!” he shook me.
“Don’t do that, it makes me dizzy…” I said weakly. “Oppa, will you stay happy?”
He hid his trembling lips with his hand. “Stop saying that…”
“I’m just asking you,” I smiled. “Promise me that you’ll stay happy forever.”
“I can’t do that.”
“I bet you won’t…ahh…the sky is just so clear.” I closed my eyes again, but the process let my tears fall. I sobbed. “I hate it, this feeling…”
“Don’t leave me yet.” He’s also sobbing. Hugging me tight he said. “We still haven’t seen the movie you want to watch. And you promised to sing for me once more…”
I can really feel my pulse dropping but I started to sing the last part of ‘Coagulation’. “Eoddeoke…dashin neolbolsu eopseumyeon nan eoddeoke…naeil achim nado moreuge jeonhwagie…” I sighed…tears still falling and I can also hear him cry. “Soni daheumyeon geu…geureom…yeon naneun eo…ddeoke…”
~♥~
She stopped singing that moment, just as the sun reached down. Making my tears fall…I continued her song. My heart screamed with pain as I drown with tears.
“Useumyeo neoege joeun moseup namgigo sipeo neoreul bwatjiman…” my voice trembled so hard I held her closer. “Gyeolgugen heulleo naeryeotji…”
I shouted. I shouted until I have no more strength. I shouted as if my whole world crashed i front of me. Hoping that if I shouted too loud, maybe she will wake up and sing once more.“(name)~yah…come back…saranghae…” As if my words will make her come back.
I carried her but I know we won’t be able to reach in time. My knees trembled as I kneeled to the ground. Holding her in my arms, I called her sister. “Noona…she’s gone…”
~♥~
I met a man who showed me how to enjoy life…trust the people around me and laugh my heart out. Why have I met him just now? Why now when I have a little time left to spend with him? Everytime I think about it, my heart hurts more. I wish to live longer. Laugh with this man longer. I wish to hold his hand longer. But why is life cruel to me?
Heechul oppa taught me how to be happy in spite of being hurt. He thought me to accept whatever life will bring to me. I wish that I have met him earlier in my life. He always tells me to cry my heart out, say what I really feel inside. Though it hurts, I want to do just as he says. I trusted him with my heart and I believe that it was worth it.
Heechul oppa…I wish that in my next life, I will meet you again. I want to see you earlier, spend my days happily with you. I wish that in my next life, I won’t have this sickness so that we will be together longer. I don’t want to hurt you and leave you like this. All I want is to see you happy.
Heechul oppa, don’t cry okay? Because if you cry, I will hurt more. Please smile and tease others just the way you do everyday. Please continue to sing for everyone, for your beloved E.L.F.s and Petals. You will always be in my heart (though it is broken).
I don’t know how long I will stay in this world. How short it may be. I want to cherish all my days with this man. Someone who hurts me but still can make me the happiest woman.
He always believed that he can do nothing but hurt the people around him, but he showed me that he is the kindest man that ever lived in this world. He believes that he can only destroy the lives of others and live as if he is the only one alive but he made my entire life. I believed that he wasn’t that selfish.
In this life, I can say that in a short while, I have spent my days well. Since the day I met him, my world turned upside-down. And before I realize what was happening, it was already too deep. I was attached more than I had wanted to be.
I am thankful…but a little bit sad. Because once in my life, there was someone who showed me that life is beautiful. Someone who made me feel that even through the hardships that I had met, I am still a lucky person.
“She wrote that a few days before…”
He looked outside the window after reading her wife’s diary. Everything they’ve done, it was there. But he must be strong. He will not cry. But why do the tears keep forming?
“I hate these tears…” he sighed before smiling at her wife’s sister. “Noona…she’s happy right? Then I’ll be happy, too.”
~♥~
It was his turn to answer the MC’s question. He doesn’t know if he can say it out. He was so afraid of what others might think about him when he shows his weaker side to them. But thinking of her; her smile, her voice that echoes in his mind, he becomes strong.
“I can say that in the past six months, I have changed a lot.” He started, trying to stop the overwhelming feeling he’s experiencing.
Meeting a woman who finally managed to calm his soul, and losing her like the speed of light, it hurts just by thinking about it…silence followed his first words.
“I have a confession to say,” his eyes started to fill up with the unshed tears.
His other members started to calm him that moment, knowing what will happen that instant. The crowd as well as the MCs of the show made a fuss. It would irritate him if he wasn’t feeling the same way as he did that moment.
“What is it?” one said.
Hankyung placed a hand on his shoulder. The others also felt his sorrow the moment he opened his mouth to say it out.
“There was a special person who changed my entire life. I’m really thankful to her, but I have never said it to her. Honestly,” he paused, still holding back his tears… “I really miss her. (name)~yah…why did you leave too early? Didn’t you know…how oppa is hurt? *sobs*”
Sungmin handed him a tissue. “Hyungie is talking about our,” he stopped. Blinking to hold his own tears. “Friend and doctor. She helped us in many ways, but now she’s gone to heaven. (name)~ssi, we’re going to miss you.”
That exact moment, the people around him started to shed tears as well. “Our (name), had a cancer and refused to tell us earlier. When we discovered it, it was too late. We don’t have enough time to spend with her.” He wiped his tears. “She said that we shall not cry, but how can’t a hurt person stop his tears? That’s why I told her to show her feelings and never hold them back too much.”
There was a moment of silence inside a studio while each of them shed their tears, remembering this woman who made their life more meaningful.
“During that time, I asked her to marry me…” his tears wouldn’t stop flowing. “She refused, telling me to find someone else. I thought she doesn’t love me, I treated her so bad. When I realized my mistake, she was already too weak. I was there when she said goodbye. (name)~yah…saranghaeyo…cheongmal saranghae. Oppa has forced you too much. Mianhaeyo…I miss you.”
There was no more need for words. It was enough for everyone to understand how he felt and how this person had made him complete. He thought at that moment that tears felt good. Being as cold as he was, he never realized this. But now, everything has completely changed.
~♥~
“There was a woman I knew. I love her too much. Maybe my love wasn’t enough a reason for her to stay. I understand that, not all sickness can be cured by such love. But I was cured by her…”
It became a part of their new song. He was proud of himself, and thankful to her.
“Everything is back to normal now.” Leeteuk said while they were sitting on the floor after practicing.
“No, were far more better than normal.” Shindong said.
He smiled leaning his head on the window beside him. There were fans outside waving at him, he waved back at them. How he wish (name) was there too. But she wasn’t a fan afterall. She was different. She would rather spend her day looking at patients and listening to the radio.
“Aigoo, our hyungie is being emotional again.” Eunhyuk said catching his attention.
He threw him a towel. “Yah, don’t you talk to me like that. I’m just thinking about my wife.”
The members gathered around him. There were smiles on each person’s face, showing how much happy they have been in the past few months.
Kibum spoke, “Don’t worry hyung, someday all of us will meet each other again and be together forever.”
He gave a playful punch at Kibum. “I don’t need you there. I only need one person.”
They all laughed. Everything was never the way it was before. Each of them has become a brand new person. Especially him, maybe this is what love can do.
(Name)~yah, maybe we’ll meet each other someday. But for now, I’ll just do my best to become a person right for you. When we meet again, I will not make you cry anymore. I will just show you my love.
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