A Girl's Diary
[Series] E.L.F. s Dream
PART 3
It was too fast, what happened to him? Has he really gone crazy this time?
Those things clouded up my mind as I look at the man who keeps bugging me. He sends me home after his radio show, goes to the hospital at the morning to follow me around. He keeps on making me laugh. Tries too hard to get close to me. He’s annoyingly cute to turn down, just like his adorable cat.
We’ve been close; he even made me call him oppa. We even went to the amusement park one time and almost got discovered by an E.L.F. good thing we escaped successfully. I already experienced riding on his car to go to the beach. We always eat together, watch movies together. Spending time with him makes me happy and my heart giddy inside. He always tries to let my feelings out. Making me shout when I’m happy, making me cry when I’m tired.
He was extremely in a good mood in the past few weeks, especially because Leeteuk got home after one month. He was not the person I expected him to be. I thought he would be someone rude, someone critical, but he ended up to be such a kind person.
Tonight was one of those times. He went to my house, he insisted it, and we ate dinner together.
“So, where is Joo Min now?” he took a spoonful of rice into his mouth.
We were talking about each other, just like the way we used to do in the past weeks we’ve been together.
“I heard he’s planning on going back to Korea.” It was true. He called me again, saying his plans of going home for a while because of work. It was funny because my heart didn’t ache anymore when I talked to him. “I talked to him, he’ll be back soon.”
He looked at me, “If he’s back, are you going to abandon me?”
“What are you saying? You’re not my son oppa.” I joked to him.
He reached for my hand and seriously said. “(name)~ssi, that man is your first love right? What am I then?”
“Oppa is weird. What are you talking about?” , I have already said it to him a million times.
He sighed. “Let’s get married before he even comes back.”
I was shocked by what he said. “Are you…joking? Oppa, stop joking with such serious matters. Marriage is talked about by lovers.”
“Do I look like I’m joking?” he said. “I know you wouldn’t believe me.”
I thought he was really not serious, that was until he took out a ring. My heart started to ache. “Oppa…stop it.”
“(name)~ssi, I’m not playing with you. I am serious. I may not be as perfect as the one you love, but I’ll try my best. I will wait till you love me.”
I grasped my chest, my heart won’t stop aching. This is not it. “No…not me. Oppa…” I closed my eyes. “You can’t love a person like me.”
“Why not? I’ve already fallen in love with you. If I’m not expressing it well I’m sorry. I haven’t done this to anyone.”
I stood up. “Oppa, I’m not the one. Mianhaeyo…I, I am not capable of loving anyone but myself. That’s why I’d rather choose to love someone who doesn’t love me back.”
“I was like that, until I met you…”
“But meeting you never changed the way I am. I’m sorry…” I bowed at him. “Please leave, oppa. I’m not feeling well.”
He stood up. “If I leave, I will never be the same. Are you sure about this?”
His eyes were like fire that burns me even if I don’t see it. But the ache in my heart is much more stronger making me want to push him more. I know that I will regret it, but it will be better if I did this.
I nodded, still bowed and not looking at him.
“If I leave now, I won’t be nice to you anymore. I will ruin you. I can make you suffer.”
“Just go.”
“If I leave now, I won’t be myself again. I will be worse, I will-- ”
“Stop! Just…leave…”
And he did, banging the door behind him. The moment he left, I let the tears fall. I sat on the floor and reached for my phone. “Unni…help me…it’s coming…”
My heart hurts again. Maybe this time,it will be the end of me.
~♥~
Unni was my personal doctor. She treats me everytime I’m sick, everytime my cancer will show. This time, it was her husband who checked up on me. He said that unni can’t handle it, the pain can endanger their yet unborn child.
“Oppa, will I really die this time?”
Many times, I had been given a few weeks to live, but here I am continuing to be my stubborn self. I refused to be treated like a sick person. Making others hate me, despise me. Though we had many misunderstandings, unni’s husband tries to get close to me but I push him away.
“Don’t say that.”
Though he says it, I know that there is something wrong. “Oppa, I know what I feel. I’m also a doctor.” I sighed. “These past few months, I have been feeling it again. I hurt more, I even coughed blood once. I’m feeling really weak.”
I closed my eyes again and leaned onto the pillow.
He held my hand. “You know, you are a miracle. How many times have we thought you will die? You’re a fighter right? Don’t give up.”
I thought of Heechul oppa. He made me happy; I thought I will be better. But I was weaker and weaker as the days flow by. I’m starting to lose hope.
“Oppa, did you know? I fell in love again.” I sniffed trying to shake my feelings. “It was crazy. It was different than what I felt with Joo Min oppa. But, why do I have to be sick? Everytime I’m with him, I felt better. I felt like I’m always on the edge. But at the same time, I was afraid that I would suddenly collapse in front of him.”
He pressed on my hand, “Why don’t you use him as your inspiration in living? Fight for him.”
I laughed. “No, if I fight, I will suffer more. If I suffer more, I will only hurt him more. I don’t want him to see me like this.” I opened my eyes again and looked at him. “Oppa, tell me…how long will I live? A few months? Weeks? Days?...Tell me.”
He hesitated. “Three to four…” he stopped, his tears fell. “(name)~yah…it’s just weeks. Fight for us. Don’t leave us yet; think about your unni and nephew. Live for them.”
“I will not oppa,” I smiled at him. “Unni and nephew…they will live for you just as you will live for them. I am not the life of anyone, I live for myself.”
~♥~
“Sungmin~ssi,” I was not surprised to see him back in the hospital a few weeks after he was discharged.
“Hello,” he smiled.
I just finished checking up on the other members for their monthly physical examination. There were only two left, Sungmin and Heechul.
“Please sit down.”
I checked his previous injuries and as well as his current health.
“(name)~ssi…I heard about what happened yesterday.” He said. “Why did you turn hyung down? I thought you said you like him, too?”
It was to him that I first confirmed my feelings. Being a trust worthy person that he is, I let him know my feelings for Heechul believing that he will not tell it to him.
“I have my own reasons.” I smiled at him before moving my stethoscope to his back. “I trust that you did not tell it to him…”
He kept silent for awhile. I was scared of what he will say. He has his own way of reading me. I was afraid that he will know my secrets.
“If that so…” he looked at me and smiled. “Then, I advise you take care of yourself. Hyung looks scary. He had his tantrums again.”
“Oh…”
Sungmin hugged me. “(name)~ssi is trying to be tough. Didn’t hyung taught you to give in sometimes? I understand…that you have secrets to keep. But hurting yourself won’t be able to help.”
“So I see.”
We looked to the door, Heechul was there. His eyes in fire, just like a bull ready to charge. But just as fast, it disappeared and became as cold as ice.
Sungmin let go of me, “You should take care of your self. I’ll go now.” He patted my head.
Silence filled the room as we stood staring at each other. It felt like seconds had turned into hours. It’s like a slow motion movie in black and white. My heart started to thump so hard I was afraid that I might fall right that moment.
“Are we just going to stand? You know I’m a busy person. I don’t have time to linger.”
He walks towards me, his steps echoing as he stood in front of me. “Do I need to take off my clothes?” He leaned closer.
I made a step backwards, aware of his very close presence, “N-no…there’s no need to do that. You may take a seat here.” I pointed at the chair that Sungmin vacated.
I started the check-up as soon as he sat. Placing my stethoscope on his chest, I was amazed on how he managed to keep his heartbeat calm. How can this person do that when I’m suffering like this? Maybe he was lying all along, telling me that he loves me. That thought hurt me more. Am I the only one loving all this time? Is last night a lie?
“I thought of changing doctors this morning.” He suddenly said making me startled for a while. “But thinking about how you may react touched my curiosity. I thought it will be fun but it was boring all along.”
He stood up and faced me. To my disbelief, he grabbed me and suddenly he stole a kiss. It was deep and provoking, placing me in a state of shock. He held my face with his lovely hands. His warmth making me dizzy. But when I was ready to give in, he stopped.
“You didn’t even know how to kiss.” He wiped his lips.
I was hurt. This person, he really wants to destroy me. He really did change, it’s what I have done. Making the monster out of him, creating a ghost of my own.
Someone knocked and entered the door just as he was heading for it. “(name)~ssi. I’m back.”
It was Joo Min oppa.
~♥~
“Why don’t you tell him how you feel? You’re just making things complicated, (name)~ssi. And you’re hurting yourself and him as well.”
Joo Min oppa stayed with me, took care of me after I quitted my job two days ago. It’s been five days, leaving me with merely three weeks of life. He witnessed how Heechul tried to make me suffer. I’ve already confessed everything to him, my feelings, what happened…he knows it all; he’s my bestfriend. Through the days, our friendship grew stronger.
I was sitting on the swing that night, he was pushing me. Though I am the hospital, I wasn’t there to be a doctor but to be a patient. My body is growing weaker every single day that I spend.
“Joo Min oppa knows that I can’t do that…” I said in a low voice. “I can’t bring him any more pain than what I had given him. Making him angry at me is much easier.”
“And you’re hurting yourself in the process.” He continued to push me. “But, don’t you want to spend your days with him? Wouldn’t you be happy?”
“I want to…but I’d rather not…if I leave, he will just be sad.”
Looking at the mirror everyday, even I pitied myself. I look terrible and weak. I feel useless being tired easy. I can’t function on my own. Imagining these things…letting Heechul oppa see these…it hurts me too.
I coughed feeling the cold breeze. “Oppa…let’s get in. It’s getting colder here.”
He helped me even if I can do it on my own. That’s how people around me pity me everyday of my spare life. We went inside the hospital, Joo Min oppa still walking by my side.
“(name)…(name)~ssi?”
It was a voice I would not want to hear. As I turn around, the person who called me dropped the bag he was carrying and gasped. It was Heechul.
~♥~
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he stood behind me.
I was not looking at him, keeping my eyes on the window beside my bed. Looking at Heechul~oppa…it makes me regret being alive and regretted to be myself. Everytime I see him look at me with pity in his eyes, I feel like I’m a useless creature. My tears kept falling like the endless rain after the summer. Why did Joo Min oppa left? What should I do?
“Why?!” he shouted grabbing me. “You…you lied to me. Do you know how much I hurt? I hurt everytime I do bad things to you, everytime I try to forget you…do you know how much pain I have…when you…”
He stopped, finally seeing the tears I was having through the dark light in the room. He held me close to his heart making me listen to his heartbeat. I envy him. Having such a healthy heart…when I am here, dying because of heart cancer.
“What if noona didn’t tell me?” he said referring to my sister, “What could I have done to you? I almost killed you, tormented you…you selfish brat.”
I held onto his back as if it was the only way to save my life. “Oppa…I am dying…I can’t fight anymore. If I told you…will you count my days with me? Will you promise me that you will not be sad?”
“Babo…” he rubbed my head. “If I leave you, will you not be sad? (name)~ssi, let me spend my days with you…”
“I hate it when I see you in pain. Spending my days with you will only make you sad.”
“But I am sadder when I’m not with you…” he held my face and wiped my tears. “Let’s get married. I will take care of you. I will make you happy. Just let me be with you.”
Marrying, I never imagined myself doing such a thing. I’ve always believed that in this world, I don’t deserve to be happy. A curse is given upon me through this sickness, but Heechul oppa, he’s really stubborn.
We were married, inside the hospital. The swing at the garden that night served as our only witness. A silly thing indeed, but why does my tears fall? The smile on his face brightened the night. He kissed me and held my hand, turning the cold night warmer.
“Starting tonight, you are my wife.” He declared. “Don’t tell me any lies again, do you understand?”
I nodded. Surrendering my life to this man. No matter how foolish the idea might be, I decided to spend my days with this man. And maybe, I can find happiness and contentment in the days left for me.
Originally posted on my blog...
Saturday, August 14, 2010 2:23 PM
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