Can’t My Life Be A Better Cliché?

 “Did you see that?”

“Did you?”

“Did you???????”

“He is soooo ing perfect” Sehun coos in glee, hands still smacking at Jongin’s very delicate shoulder.

Jongin groans loudly, batting Sehun’s hands away with a scowl.

How in God’s name was he ered into doing this again?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

“No I didn’t” Jongin finally responds with an annoyed twist of his lips, not that Sehun cares.

In fact Jongin doesn’t think Sehun even notices him at all, despite the fact that Sehun is the very reason that he is here hiding behind some very annoying brushes whilst Sehun engages in his favourite illegal pastime.

Stalking.

Sehun is still fanning himself manically, a creepy grin on his face as he shamelessly peers through some of the most high tech binoculars Jongin has ever seen, the object of his very creepy affections standing about forty feet away, chatting with his friends from the debate team, the binoculars a requirement apparently so that Sehun can see every glorious angle in full detail.

Jongin wants the earth to swallow him up.

“Sehun”

“Sehun”

He calls out, tugging on Sehun’s shirt to get his attention, rather difficult to get the infatuated man to look at him whilst he was “observing Suho’s perfection” as Sehun liked to call his stalking.

Jongin knew Baekhyun was a bad influence on Sehun.

Such an impressionable young child led astray because of peer influence.

SMH.

“Shut up!” Sehun hisses as he turns to glare at his unwilling associate and stalking partner.

“He will hear you!”

“And I am not ready to speak to him today” Sehun makes crystal clear, giving Jongin a very impatient annoyed look.

Because speaking to him is the problem. Not the stalking. Right.

Crazy People Logic at it’s Finest Right There.

He is so shameless Jongin thinks.

Sehun is the one that dragged him away from his dance practice to come with him to stalk the lame student council president, despite Jongin’s very loud complaints that stalking is not in his repertoire, though it is indeed a fine perfectly extensive repertoire.

So what if he sleeps fifteen hours a day? He does other amazing things when he is awake he will have you know!

That fact even his mind seems to doubt him does not escape his notice, he just choses to ignore it that is all, just as Sehun is ignoring his concerns and has been for a while now.

In fact, he has been that way since Jongin can remember him.

His face is really rigid and he basically has like three expressions when he is not being a lunatic and replicating Luhan’s messed up crackhead joker wannabe grin but that is far and few between, so Sehun just looks like a stern cold cardboard cut-out most of the time. Which is okay, Jongin supposes since Sehun is a disinterested most of the time anyway.

Except when he is stalking Suho of course.

Jongin stifles the urge to roll his eyes.

He fails.

Whatever.

 “I wont survive his perfect radiant glory” Sehun continues dreamily and Jongin can’t help but scoff.

Utterly hopeless.

“Just look at him Jonginnie……..just look at the angel!!” Sehun insists again staring dreamily  at Suho’s ugly laughing face and Jongin frowns.

Seriously, what is so amazing about this idiot that Sehun has taken up Baekhyun’s stalking habits?

What??

Jongin can admit that Suho isn’t exactly a troll. If you had questionable taste as Sehun clearly does, then Suho is sorta handsome …maybe…….but when he laughs it’s like a wrecked weird piece of fruit or whatever else looks deformed.

Jongin’s mind is kinda hazy.

He is sleepy and his tummy is grumbling, not that Sehun cares, having dragged him out his dance studio after a five hour session without giving him a chance to have a very late lunch or even get his bottle of water on the other side of the studio, just so that he could watch Suho tell awful jokes that makes everyone uncomfortable.

Suho is sort of nice though, if Jongin wants to be fair.

He did help Jongin get the dance studio on campus for his exclusive use, so Jongin supposes that he isn’t all bad and he does smile at Jongin kindly whenever he spots him and gives him candy, so maybe there is that.

Jongin doesn’t know if it’s worth stalking him over though, but then again, he doesn’t think his friendship with Sehun is enough to have him engage in illegal activities that could end with him being charged with a felony either, but here he is, freezing his off and starving just because Sehun didn’t want to be alone in his stalking activities today.

“Can’t we just go talk to him and leave?” Jongin suggests for the millionth time, rubbing his hands together to get some warmth in them.

“No!” Sehun shoots down that thought very clearly.

Jongin curses under his breath and Sehun smacks him, looking exceptionally pleased with himself when Jongin has to rub at his hand to get the slight pain to stop. He is such a bully sometimes even though he is a skinny little noodle that is pasty like flour.

Jongin has awful taste in friends clearly.

Awful taste overall he belatedly accepts.

“Sehun!” Jongin complains, reaching upwards to pinch at Sehun’s waist to get his attention.

“I’m hungry. Can’t we just go? He will still be lame tomorrow” Jongin continues to complain, rather loudly in Sehun’s opinion, taking his eyes off the love of his infatuated teenage life, to glare at Jongin and push him away.

“No” he says before he turns back to Suho watching.

So uncaring.

“Then can I just leave?” Jongin begs, really tired of this little expedition.

How the Baekhyun spends so much hours creeping out Kyungsoo with his sick erted lovelorn stalking Jongin doesn’t know, but having spent half hour replicating the insanity of his kinda sorta friend he really thinks it’s not worth it in the slightest!

It only makes sense if Baekhyun is after more than a , since there has to be an easier way to be get laid and Jongin is sure that Baekhyun is not above securing the services of a paid companion or at least one of the cray-cray members of his fanclub so Jongin supposes he is not just ually deprived. Which then means that Baekhyun probably has actual feelings……..which scares the out of Jongin.

Baekhyun in love……..

……………………………………..That’s just plain creepy.

It’s almost like Luhan in love, which has in fact been just as creepy and scarring as Jongin had expected when he had originally seen Luhan sneaking off like the pretend ninja that he always wanted to be but never managed, to meet Kris at the back of the field.

Jongin thinks, out of all his friends, Jongdae and Yixing have the right idea about these teenage relationship thingies really. Honestly, what is better than ing someone as attractive as that endlessly, in perfect acceptance and harmony with their teenage hormones? Nothing!  

Certainly not icky barf worthy gayness –aka romantic - and stalking, that’s for sure.

Sehun turns to him once again and gives him a very trying look, as if Jongin is an annoying pest, when in reality Sehun is basically holding him here against his will, not that it matters to someone as brazen as Sehun away.

If he can so casually stalk someone as a minor, Jongin is sure kidnapping doesn’t faze him in the slightest.

This is why this country is such a mess, Jongin muses.

Poor publicly policy and ineffective youth development.

Don’t let those good looks and preppy clothes fool you, Sehun is a true deviant!

Or at least he is in Jongin’s mind.

It’s the stalking and the kidnapping and not so covert bullying that has assisted Jongin in coming to this very apt analytical discovery.

Jongin is so very smart, he must boast.

He just rather sleep than you know…….think about stuff.

Sehun his teeth and then peeps down at where his hand clamps down on Jongin’s wrist, tight and scary, and really really warm for some reason.

“Not happening. You are my alibi” Sehun informs.

“It’s not really an alibi if we are both doing something illegal together” Jongin points out thoughtfully.

Technically they are both sort of kinda stalking the Student Council President aren’t they?

“Firstly, we are not doing anything illegal” Sehun says with a roll of his eyes.

“I asked the lawyer at Dad’s office and she says we aren’t” Sehun continues rather smugly for someone with such distinct lack of brain cells and a lack of social consciousness and the ability to tell the difference right and illegal.

“And secondly, you can’t leave me alone. If he spots me, I need to have some reason for being here. You being a total klutz and losing something and forcing me to help your stupid find it is the perfect excuse” Sehun reasons with that unimpeachable confidence that Jongin hopes is fake, otherwise God! Humanity needs your help!

Jongin scowls and then rolls his eyes helplessly.

He really should grow a backbone or something.

Why is he letting himself be misled by Sehun anyway? Just because they have known each other since  they were kids and forced to be something that can be described as “friends” when Jongin’s’ parents decided that he needed to be “taught in the ways of royalty” and shipped him off to this ridiculously expensive boarding school in the middle of nowhere filled with super crazy people  that included Sehun and his pasty mean bratty self doesn’t mean he should just be expected to become a stalker, and not just a stalker, but someone that stalks someone as lame as Suho.

Sehun has taste clearly, but then again, Jongin doesn’t really like thinking about why this very apt conclusion causes him such personal grief as of recent.

He is especially against thinking about why he is still here and why Sehun’s fingers seem to be burning into his skin.

Thinking is bad.

Jongin tries to avoid it and he does a great job at it usually.

Especially when his life is starting to feel like a Taylor Swift song, except without the repetitive- but totally –enjoyable- rhythm and bad dancing and trope-y immature teenage emo over the top angsty reactions to every situation. Taylor is Awesome. Jongin is a total stan. He has all her albums, deluxe editions and a playlist just for her.

#TeamTaylorForLife

It’s just ing annoying that he couldn’t be living out a better clichéd angst filled teenage story honestly.

Whatever.

Life .

He’ll write a song about it.

Whenever he learns to write songs and sing or whatever.

“What would I have lost in the brushes outside the debate headquarters? I am never even on this side of the school” Jongin points out just to be a brat.

“Shut up! You lost something and that is final!” Sehun insists with a glare and then he meanly pushes at Jongin’s forehead.

“And stop talking! You are distracting me from Suho’s perfection” Sehun says meanly as he turns back to the god amongst men, the perfect being cutely muffling a giggle and Sehun thinks it’s a ing miracle he hasn’t combust into flames already from the way Suho smiles at his friends.

“Oh My God! Jongin!! Did you see that? Did you? That smile!” Sehun continues to fawn over Suho and Jongin wishes he were anywhere else on earth right now.

Hell! He won’t even mind being forced to play the main character of the latest fanfic Luhan is reading and makes them all act out for his sick erse pleasure.

Last time Jongin was forced to be some weird alpha wolf royalty something in a medieval au or something like that. Jongin has blocked it all out for his own sanity.

Or whatever is left of it anyway.

He is in fact stalking the man that his best friend (that –he- might –quite- possibly- have- the- tiniest little- bit- of interest- in- but –not- really- sure- since- Sehun- is- insane –and- Jongin- would-be-even more-daft-than-Kris-hyung-to-ever -think  -about -gross -mean -stone –faced- two -expressions -only -Sehun -as -anything -like –that- when -he -could –totally- be- trying- to- bang- Krystal -if -she -wasn’t already- planning -to -marry -Minho –and-this-is-dumb----just no!) is incessantly crushing on. And by incessant he meant psychopath type of behaviour.

Jongin lives a hard life.

Which is why he thinks he is totally justified when he sneakily grabs at Sehun’s thigh……NOT THAT WAY…..he is just reaching for his phone. Jongin can’t find his again, which doesn’t really upset him usually, since he does have a penchant for losing it anyway.

He takes out Sehun’s and he doesn’t even notice, too busy frothing at the mouth over some idiotic thing that Suho apparently just did and not paying attention to Jongin at all.

Which is totally fine.

Jongin doesn’t care.

Only that the Taylor Swift playing in his mind like a theme song is really starting to grate on his nerves.

Never thought he would ever have to turn his back on Taylor that way but then again he didn’t expect the theme song of his life to be #YouBelongWithMe either.

Where did he go wrong with life?

It feels like a punishment already and he refuses point blank to even acknowledge the teeny tiny little minute totally irrelevant will be gone in a flash NOT significant at all little “interest” that can be maybe categorized as “crush” he has on his of a best friend that meanly lets him starve in the cold whilst he stalks another man that isn’t even close to as handsome as Jongin.

Sehun’s password is dumb just like Sehun – SEHUNISYOURLORD.

Jongin really thinks that ought to be grounds to reconsider that maybe/possible/tiniest shame of a warmer feeling crush thing or whatever that he seems to have contracted in some delirious moment of insanity when maybe he was sleep deprived or maybe that time he had those brownies that made Yixing giggle like even more of a loon that he is. For a long time he prayed it was just indigestion and consumed endless amounts of pepto-bismal for the stirring in his stomach. Even now he thinks having an ulcer would have been better than this small little annoying crush thing he has for Sehun now,  lodging away this new ground along with all the others that include things like :-

1. Crazy
2. Stalker
3. Psychopath
4. Gross
5. Ugly Hair
6. Mean
8. Crinkled crescent eyes
9. Warm hands
10. Pale Skin

It’s a really long list really.

Jongin quickly but not so efficiently sends for help.

Texting is not one of Jongin’s strongest point.

He blames technology. Who told it to be so complicated?

****************************

 “OH SEHUN!!!” Luhan screeches as he comes barrelling over to the spot where Jongin is crunches like the poor pitiful baby that he is.

“Unhand him this second” He continues in a rush, bolting over to Jongin as Sehun turns to glare at his annoying cousin, Yifan just trudging behind him at a distance.

“Jongin, my baby!” Luhan coos as he wraps Jongin up in his arms, cradling him like a baby.

Jongin ought to be embarrassed but Luhan is warm and smells like chocolate and he really wants to get away from Sehun right now, even if that means selling his soul to the devil.

“What are you doing to my baby, you monster” Luhan turns to accuse Sehun, who rolls his eyes.

“Jongin, you are such a ing tattletale” Sehun groans as he tries to smack Jongin’s head but Luhan is on that in a flash, protecting his little baby.

“Oh Sehun!” Luhan screeches once again, Sehun wanting to die from the embarrassment, sinking down to the ground to avoid the curious stares that are being turned their way.

“What did Minseokkie tell you about crass language?” Luhan scolds instantly, making Sehun want to cry, the look of disappointment that he pours over Sehun is overdone but does remind Sehun that Minseok will give him the exact one and his chest tighten.

Stupid kind Hyungdeul that take care of him in this wretched lonely place.

“He will soooo kill me! He always insists it’s my fault you little brats are the monsters you are” Luhan shakes his head in long suffering and then turns to Jongin.

“Except you Jonginnie. You’re perfect” Luhan makes clear as he continues to coo at his little puppy, brushing back Jongin’s hair and Jongin to his eternal shame quite enjoys the babying that he is receiving from the resident psychopath. Sehun has made his little heart hurt for some ridiculous reason and he just wants to be loved and spoiled a little.

“Hyung” Jongin hums and Sehun glares at him.

“ up little ” Sehun hisses and Luhan smacks him on the shoulder for it.

“Hyung” Sehun whines and Jongin snickers.

“Don’t you dare hurt my little Jonginnie’s feelings” Luhan says as he delicately cups Jongin’s cold cheeks.

“You poor baby” Luhan cries.

“How long has the mean little demon been holding you hostage?”  Luhan questions in a sing song voice whilst Sehun makes fake barfing sounds at the back of them.

Yifan just tries not to make a disparaging comment at the insanity that he has grown accustomed to by now.

“An hour Hyung” Jongin plays along, pouting out his bottom lip to get even more sympathy from Luhan.

Sehun and Kris both roll their eyes.

“Let Hyung take care of you now” Luhan says in a sickeningly saccharine voice before he leans down to plant a wet kiss on Jongin’s forehead.

By the time he tries to plant one on the young child’s lips both Kris and Sehun are intervening, Kris tugging Luhan away from Jongin and Sehun is doing the same to Jongin, grumbling under his breath as he pulls Jongin to his feet rather meanly in Jongin’s opinion.

“Ohhhh” Kris interrupts swiftly.

“That’s enough Luhannie” Kris says as explanation for his abrupt action and Luhan pouts some more, wanting to be a good hyung to the baby.

“Jonginnie is okay now. Right kid?” Kris says and his look is enough to compel Jongin to nod along.

Insane boyfriend that goes around planting kisses on other men’s lips in his presence.

What he does in Kris’s absence, Kris shudders to even consider.

Sigh.

Luhan seems ready to complain that his pampering was interrupted so Kris does the only logically thing in the situation. Plants a kiss of his own on those very soft lips that were nearly all over the proclaimed baby of the insane band of very intense misfits.

Whatever protest Luhan was going to make gets swallowed when he decides now is a great time to see how far down Kris’s throat his tongue can go, forgetting all about Jongin as he lets his giant idiot boy toy him in public shamelessly.

Jongin breathes a sigh of relief honestly.

He could do without Luhan molesting his lips frankly and now he finds himself having conflict of conscious when those things occur.

Its dumb and completely ruining his game.

Crushes on inconsiderate s you call best friends really . Really.

“You are so gross, letting Luhannie hyung slobber all over you” Sehun makes a face at Jongin as he pulls him to his feet finally forgetting about Suho stalking.

Luhan has made enough of a racket to wake the dead anyway and he thinks it’s his duty to keep Jongin free of Luhan’s slobber, protecting his best friend from being polluted by Luhan.

Jongin is such an idiot.

How does he live without Sehun honestly?

Jongin makes a face at him but Sehun gives him a displeased unrelenting expression that confuses him but in the end he just pushes Sehun off with a scoff.

“Whatever” Jongin says with a stretch of his back, pulling out the cramps in his body.

It’s the dehydration he just knows it.

He groans at the pain and Sehun’s eyes soften just a little but before he can actually say anything Jongin’s stomach grumbles. LOUDLY.

He blushes in embarrassment as he clutches at it, just as Luhan breaks away from his dazed boyfriend to fuss over him instantly.

“Oh My God! Sehun starved you too?” Luhan questions agitatedly as he glares at a now sheepish Sehun, Jongin just nodding along pitifully.

Before Sehun can offer a defence and or an apology…………….okay …fine………a sarcastic remark and a scowl, Luhan is dragging Jongin away with the promise of chicken and good old fashion loving.

Kris gives Sehun a look, condemnation and tiredness before he hustles to catch up with them.

Jongin doesn’t look back and Sehun hates the way something dark and bitter swirls in his chest.

For once he forgets about Suho stalking, not even noticing Suho watching him from the steps of the debate club’s building.

Sehun feels weird and he doesn’t like it.

****

By the time he gets back to Luhan’s dorms, Jongin is being chopstick feed chucks of meat by Jongdae as Jongdae sits comfortably on Yixing’s lap, who is naturally busy on his earlobe, making Jongdae giggle in that annoying way that he does. Jongin doesn’t seem to mind today, not when he is all smiles and being feed cola from Luhan, whilst Chanyeol begs for him to eat the piece of kimchi on his chopsticks.

And they say Sehun is the spoilt one. Pffffff

Kris sits munching on a pop tart not bothering with Luhan in the least, accustomed to the insanity by now so much so that he doesn’t bat an eyelash at his boyfriend doing all this sort of craziness with Jongin.

Who is enjoying the attention way too much in Sehun’s estimation?

Attention .

Baekhyun is nursing a black eye as Minseok patches up a nasty looking cut on his knee, whilst simultaneously lecturing Baekhyun on being a crazy psycho that is too dumb to just tell Kyungsoo he likes him rather than doing stupid to get his attention, like once again grabbing his from behind as Kyungsoo walked by.

“There are only so many blows to your head you can take Baekhyunnie!” Minseok lectures sternly.

Baekhyun has that dazed look in his eyes though and keeps making grabby hands at the air again with a crazy manic grin so Sehun doubts he hears any of it. Probably still living the moment when he touched Kyungsoo’s for the umpteenth time and who knows, maybe even the moment when Kyungsoo beat the out of him. Seems Baekhyun has some sort of masochist pain kink, which is probably a good thing since Sehun doubts Kyungsoo will ever stop kicking him in the balls.

It’s just plain sad.

Sehun’s is a millions time better than Kyungsoo’s anyway.

Not everyone is blessed with good taste, so there is that.

Eventually Luhan spots Sehun, a good three minutes after he entered, everyone so goddamned obsessed with Jongin and his perfect EVERYTHING that they can’t even be bothered to notice Sehun’s presence much less acknowledge him.

Sehun wants to punch Jongin in the face.

And maybe sorta kinda cuddle him and tell him he is sorry for being such a brat and not taking care of him like Jongin always does for him.

“Look……it’s the baby abuser” Luhan says snidely when Sehun works up the courage to walk over to the table.

By then he gets everyone staring at him with reproach. Even Baekhyun manages to drag himself out of his Kyungsoo grabbing- stupor to glare at him.

They really do play favourites. Grrrrr

Sehun scowls at Luhan but he is actually only really interested in Jongin, who naturally doesn’t bother to look at him at all, except for the initial glare before he goes back to eating his chicken.

Sehun’s chest tightens.

Is he mad at him? Jongin never gets mad at him, not even when he is a total brat and bullies him.

“How could you not let him get something to drink? Did you want him to get dehydration? You know he practices for hours without drinking anything. How could you do that?” Minseok is the one that questions in the tense silence, Luhan still glaring at him with his hands folded over his chest, an annoyed pouting deer masquerading as an overprotective parent.

“You can’t be so inconsiderate Sehun” Minseok continues to scold as he makes his way over to the table, even Jongdae not smiling at him as he usually does.

Sehun doesn’t bother to respond.

He just walks straight up to Jongin ignoring all the mean looks from their overprotective hyungdeul. Despite their insanity and easy going nature, there is one thing they don’t play with and that is Jongin or his overall wellbeing. Sehun knows that all too well.

Sehun knows that this time he is the one at fault. No matter how much of a brat he is, he would never want Jonginnie to be hurt because of him.

He ed up this time. He knows he did.

And it’s time to make it right.

Even with their anger, he chances their further displeasure to brazenly walk right passed them all and to the table and before anyone can react he shamelessly plants himself on Jongin’s lap, wrapping his arms around his shoulders before Jongin can even react.

“Stop being such a sensitive whimp” Sehun scoffs with as much disinterest as he can fake.

Jongin scowls.

Sehun rolls his eyes tiredly.

Then he leans forward and buries his head in Jongin’s neck.

“I’m sorry. Forgive me” Sehun mumbles into the now warm skin and Jongin tenses, the hand set to push Sehun off him stilling.

Sehun faintly feels him exhale and warm lips brush faintly against his cheek and Sehun smiles.

Then Jongin pushes him off his lap. Hard.

Sehun tumbles to the floor in a heap and everyone laughs, including Jongin.

“You’re an ” Jongin hisses with no real venom before he picks up his chopsticks and bites into his chicken, calm as ever.

That is that then.

Sehun glares from the floor and Luhan chokes on his laughter, Jongdae says something sarcastic and mean with the cutest kittenish smile, Yixing ignores them all to make heart eyes at Jongdae breathing, Minseok asks not for the first time why he is surrounded by lunatics, Kris questions all his life choices, Baekhyun insists that he gonna sit on Kyungsoo’s lap tomorrow with frightening enthusiasm and Chanyeol doesn’t seem as if he even noticed Sehun at all, busy fussing over Jongin again.

“I hate all of you!” Sehun says with a pout.

Jongin rolls his eyes, but there is a smile playing at the corner of his full lips.

All is right in the world again.

***********************************

A/N: So...its been a long time. It's the 2nd anniversary of this fic, so I figured I should update it. I miss this verse so maybe I will return to it. Happy New Year :)