"What the is this?!” Sungmin asked again, this time raising his voice; the hand he was holding the picture in was shaking. 

What do you answer to something like that? 'That's not me', 'it's not what it looks like'?. Eunhyuk didn't know. He didn't know because it was him on the pictures and it was exactly what it looked like.

Sungmin threw the pictures on the floor as if just touching them was something he couldn't stand. The pictures fell to Eunhyuk's feet, but Eunhyuk didn't have the courage to look at them. 

“What the are you doing?!” Sungmin yelled. “Are you ing out of your mind?!” Tears started forming in his eyes, his face getting red from anger and his voice was shaking. He was scared, mouth open in disbelief and eyes wide open, and Eunhyuk knew why. “What the do you think the hyungs will do when they find out?!” 

Sungmin looked down at the pictures, hands running through his light brown hair, grabbing his hair hard. His bottom lip was shaking and Eunhyuk knew it was because he was holding in his tears. 

“They won't–” Eunhyuk started but didn't have time to finish before Sungmin was suddenly standing right in front of him; raising his hands and slapping his roommate. 

“Are you ing stupid?! Someone knows about this!” he screamed, his voice cracking.

Eunhyuk's cheek went red in a split second, his head turned to the side. He closed his eyes, swallowed and tried to remain calm before slowly turning to face his friend. Sungmin was crying. 

“You ing disgust me.” Sungmin whispered before almost running out of the room; slamming the door behind him so hard that he almost made a crack in the wall.


Sungmin stayed in a friend's room that night. Eunhyuk had an idea where, probably in Shindong's room, but he never went there to verify it. He tried calling him two times and of course Sungmin didn't pick up. In the end he left him a message, “Call me whenever you feel like talking”, and waited for a reply that never came.
 

~ * ~

Sungmin didn't come to school the next day, neither did Shindong, and Eunhyuk felt a heavy weight in his chest. Sungmin didn't tell Shindong, right? 

No, he couldn't have, he wasn't that type of person. 

But even if Sungmin didn't say anything someone else would. Like Sungmin had said, someone knew. Someone in this school had Eunhyuk dancing on a wire over a sea of crocodiles, and it would only take a weak puff of air to for him to fall. 


He spent his whole lesson in angst, taking deep breaths because he could swear he would faint if he didn't. It was hard breathing and it hurt and he was sweating. His heart was beating fast and the teacher's words were just unclear and blurred, not really an actual language.

He heard his name being called and with a jolt he came back to reality. Judging by the way the whole class was staring at him in surprise, and by the way the teacher was looking at him he realized the teacher must have called his name more than once. He had to clear his throat to answer, because suddenly it was painfully dry.

“Yes?” he asked, and he felt everyone's eyes pierce right through him. 

Their Korean teacher looked concerned rather than angry. “Are you alright?” 

How embarrassing. Eunhyuk swallowed and nodded, the teacher asking him to pay attention and he just kept nodding. 


“Hey, you okay?” Donghae heard one of Eunhyuk's friends ask after the teacher had left the room. Their class had just ended, but only a few students had left since most of them were packing their books and pencils. Donghae turned his head discreetly and saw Eunhyuk nod. He was lying. 

“I need to return some books in the library.” Siwon suddenly said, gaining Donghae's attention. “You coming?”

Donghae nodded. Before leaving the classroom he glanced over to Eunhyuk once again and made it just in time to see the dancer drop his bag; everything he had inside falling to the floor, making a big mess. Eunhyuk's friend asked him once again if he really was okay, but  didn't get an answer. 

**


Eunhyuk didn't pay attention to his surroundings. Suddenly he just found himself sitting with Heechul and his friends outside at a outdoor table. His heart started to beat faster than before when realizing he was with the hyungs and he was blinking more than he should. 

He was just waiting for it, waiting for anyone to say something about Donghae and start the war. He felt like they were watching him, were they waiting for him to say something?, whispering when he turned his head and laughing behind his back. 

Maybe telling Heechul himself would be better than letting someone else tell him. That way Eunhyuk could twist and paint the story however he liked, and not make it sound as bad as it actually was. But that thought lasted only for a few couple of seconds, if even that, because Eunhyuk knew he would rather die than tell Heechul. 

At the end of the day no one had said or done anything, but the fact that nothing happened didn't make things better. Because Eunhyuk knew something was going to happen – someone would drop the bomb any second – and he was just waiting. No matter how many minutes, hours, days, weeks would pass Eunhyuk knew that someday it was going to happen. How long had this person known about Donghae and him? Weeks? Days? Minutes? 

Steps downstairs brought Eunhyuk back to reality and he even had to look around to see where he was: the kitchen in the boys' dorm – when the hell did he get here? He was standing in front of the kitchen sink, hold a full glass of water in his hand and the tap was still on. He realized he couldn't go on like this – seriously, what the is wrong with him? – and he put his hand under the cold water before it over his face. He sighed and turned the tap off before, by habit, turning his face to his right to the corridor to see who the one entering the building was. 

A male slightly shorter than himself, brown hair and a year younger, had just finished walking up the stairs. Eunhyuk didn't mind looking at him longer than necessarily before turning his attention back to the glass in his hand. However, Kibum lingered his eyes on the dancer. 

Eunhyuk didn't see how Kibum took a few steps at his direction before opening his mouth to speak. “It's true that people get what they don't deserve.” Kibum said and Eunhyuk froze. He slowly turned his head again, this time with shocked eyes and in contrast to earlier today he felt like his heart suddenly forgot to beat. “Or maybe you two do deserve each other.”

Forgotten and lost puzzle pieces suddenly got into place and for a spit second Eunhyuk got weak, so weak, and the glass in his hand fell into the kitchen sink with a loud thud; water splashing and wetting his hands. 

That er. 

He walked towards him, faster than it took for Kibum to realize what was going to happen, tensed his muscles and punched. Kibum crashed onto the floor, his teeth sinking deep into the inside of the coner of his mouth. He touched where Eunhyuk had pushed him with three shaking fingers, all fingers being red when he looked at them again. Before he could stand up again Eunhyuk hissed, “You ing !”, before kicking the younger one and Kibum tensed all his muscles to not scream out in pain. 

“Stop it!” Kibum heard someone behind him before Eunhyuk had time to kick him again. He didn't have to turn his head to know who it was. But Eunhyuk ignored the yell and kicked the small of Kibum's leg hard, possibly with all the strength he managed to gather that short amount of time, and this time Kibum cried out in pain. 

“What are you doing?! Stop it!” Donghae screamed again, running as fast as his legs allowed him to and pushed Eunhyuk away hard. 

“You don't get it!” Eunhyuk yelled back and Donghae had to grab his shoulders to stop him from attacking the younger male on the floor. “This motherer–”

“I don't care!” Donghae cut him off and pushed Eunhyuk away once again. “You won't touch him.” 

Eunhyuk looked at him, for a moment turning his anger from Kibum to Donghae for interfering. But Donghae responded his look with a straight face; his eyes warning Eunhyuk, daring him to touch the boy behind him again, and Eunhyuk knew he had to calm down. He was breathing heavily through his nostrils as he took a few steps back.

Kibum, on the other hand, wasn't breathing at all. Suddenly, he felt disgusted. Not by Eunhyuk – the famous , not by Donghae – the fake friend, but by himself. 

Donghae wasn't selfish. He wasn't mean or a bad friend. He had never been selfish or mean or a bad friend. Donghae was just stupid. And he was stupid because he was in love. 

What did Kibum want? What had been his point on all this? He knew Donghae would never leave him behind, because they were friends. They had always been friends; they shared a past, memories, a future, but Kibum's obsession had made him blind. He knew Donghae was faithful; he wouldn't leave Eunhyuk till he himself decided to. No matter what Kibum did, he couldn't separate them. He knew it from the start, and it hurt so much. It hurt so much he had thought that Donghae deserved to suffer too.

But Donghae was suffering. He was suffering because of Eunhyuk, Kibum, the students... Kibum wanted Donghae to love him and that's exactly what Donghae did. He loved Kibum. He would never deny him as a friend, no matter if Eunhyuk was his new love or someone else. What more could Kibum ask from him? 

“I'm so sorry.” he said in a whisper, but both Eunhyuk and Donghae heard every word. The lump in his throat was making his voice shake “I'm so sorry.”

Donghae kneel in front of him, eyes looking into Kibum's teary eyes. 

Yes, Donghae would always be there. He would never leave him. 

“I'm so sorry.” he repeated again, and Donghae felt himself wanting to cry too. 

He leaned forward and embraced Kibum by his neck, hugging him tightly. He felt Kibum bury his face on his shoulder, tears wetting his shirt. He raised his arms, grabbing the back of Donghae's shirt tightly as he cried silently. “Nothing is your fault.” Donghae said into his ear and Kibum sobbed loudly. “I'm sorry.”


Kibum was the first one to pull away, completely embarrassed over what just happened but Donghae was smiling at him. When he looked up he saw Eunhyuk look at him with eyes Kibum couldn't read. 

The dancer turned his look at Donghae, as if Donghae was the one who was supposed to break the silence or do something. But Donghae wasn't helping him – he wasn't even looking at him – because he was busy wiping Kibum's lip with the sleeve of his shirt. 

Slowly Eunhyuk took a couple of steps forwards and when he was close enough he stretched out his hand. Kibum's look immediately turned into a surprised one and when Donghae saw it he turned his head to see what it was. He couldn't believe it when seeing Eunhyuk stand behind him, his hand opened and waiting for Kibum to grab it. The younger one hesitated for a moment but finally gave in and accepted Hyukjae's hand and Donghae felt a warmness being spread in his body as Eunhyuk pulled Kibum up; a warmness telling him that it wasn't over, everything could have a happy ending.

** 

It was evening and the corridor outside was completely deserted. Donghae asked himself what everyone were doing; usually he could hear at least a few students make a huge fuss just outside or in the kitchen, but now it was so quiet. But at this moment Donghae couldn't mind caring. 

He was sitting on Eunhyuk's bed, back against the wall, and Eunhyuk's head in his lap. His left hand was running through Eunhyuk's soft hair, massaging his scalp while the other arm was lying across Eunhyuk's chest, his hand over Eunhyuk's heart. 

He let his fingers move on Eunhyuk's chest; slowly going up and down as the dancer breathed through his nose. Eunhyuk's eyes were unfocused; looking at nothing but air, his legs bent on the knee – both his feet on the bed – and while he had one hand behind his head he had the other one on his stomach, close to Donghae's arm but not touching it. They hadn't said a word to each other. Usually Donghae would talk about whatever came to mind, just to not have that awkward silence, but he knew Eunhyuk preferred silence than Donghae talking about things Eunhyuk didn't give a about. But another reason to why Donghae didn't say anything was because he knew Eunhyuk was thinking over something. He could see it.

Five minutes passed in silence, six, seven, eight. 

“People don't care about each other.” Eunhyuk suddenly said, breaking the peaceful silence. “They want you to listen to their problems, help them, love them. But they don't want to listen, help, or love you back.”

“Your family–”

“What makes them any different?” Eunhyuk cut him off before even letting Donghae finish his sentence.“They're humans, just like me, you, and everyone else. It doesn't make sense that they would be worth more just because they have a title, 'mom', 'dad', 'sister', 'friend'. Your parents raise you because it's their job, something society tells them to do, and your friends hang out with you just because they're scared of loneliness. In the end they're just people. What makes them any different?”

Donghae didn't understand where Eunhyuk wanted to come with this. All he did understand was that Eunhyuk apparently didn't believe in love. “It's not the their title that makes them worth any more. It's the bond you have with them. I would die to protect any member of my family. That's how much they are worth to me.”

“What makes your family different from any other family? Would you kill another family, father, mother and kids, to save your own?” 

“You can't put it like that.”

“Why not?” 

“This is nothing you can explain with words. You can't explain love for friends or your family. It's not something you can see or touch, but just feel. And by that feeling I know I love my family and my family knows they love me.” 

“That's not enough.”

“That's everything.” 

Eunhyuk went silent but Donghae knew it wasn't because he had convinced the dancer. He didn't know what else to say, how else to explain that Eunhyuk was wrong. People did care. 

“I care.” he said instead. 

“Yeah, but you're stupid”. It didn't sound as an insult because the sentence was lacking of cockiness andsuperiority – but yeah, it was still an insult and that made Donghae frown; for a second forgetting that Eunhyuk was trying to explain something. “You are too nice for your own good.” Eunhyuk continued. “Which makes you stupid.”

“Uh, thanks?”

“It's not a compliment.” 

Eunhyuk removed Donghae's hand from his chest before getting up. He turned so he was facing Donghae. “Why would you be sitting here right now, with the way I've been treating you ever since the first day?”

“I'm not here because I'm nice.” Donghae said and raised an eyebrow. 

“Then why?”

“Because I love you.”

Eunhyuk couldn't retort to that. The corner of his mouth twitched as he tried to suppress a smile, and he bit the inside of his bottom lip to keep his straight face. How cheesy. 
He sighed heavily. He didn't know how many times Donghae had said he loved him. And he didn't know how many times Donghae had showed that he loved him. He deserved something back. Eunhyuk knew he did but, God, it was so hard. He didn't know where to start.

“I was a nobody when I started this school.” he finally said and Donghae felt his body tense because he knew he would finally hear what he had waited for. Questions he had for so long were about to be answered, and it was so sudden he didn't know what do to or say. “No one bullied me because they didn't even notice me. I had good grades, I was quiet and I did what I was told to do.”

He had to pause because he didn't know how to continue. He ran his hand through his hair, for a moment breaking their eye contact. 

“You don't understand.” he finally said after a moment of silence, eyes back to Donghae. “Heechul hyung has power. People are afraid of him and people were afraid of me too. With him I could do whatever I wanted without having to care about the consequences. Everyone knew who we were... They were all so pathetic, trying to get along with us, to kiss our , just because they were scared. I thought it was funny watching them act like that, as if I had never done it myself.” 

He had to pause again because he had never said this out loud before. He felt like he was seeing with other eyes, talking about someone else and not himself, because it was just so unfamiliar and strange. “I liked it.” he said and Donghae heard how his voice started to shake. “I liked it because...” He looked down at his hands and realized they were tightly clasped together. He couldn't finish that sentence. 

“But everything is just so ed up now. It has always been, I just didn't wanted to see it. We did so many things... Hurt so many people...” His teary eyes were slowly turning red from the effort of keeping the tears in. He quickly ran his hands over them to not let it show, but Donghae saw it clearly. “I'm already in this and I don't know how to get out.” 

Once again he had to dry his eyes with his hands because the tears wouldn't stop, and they were dangerously close to shed. It was gradually getting harder and harder to talk and he had to pause yet again. He took a silent deep breath. “I thought that... maybe if I just died I would get out of this. I thought about... I told myself that I was pathetic for not saying no and for being so scared. And I tried to pretend as if everything was fine, as if I wanted to be with them to not think about it.” 

He had to sob once and clear his throat before he could continue. “I'm not a guy with a dark past. I've got my noona, my parents and I've got money. We've had problems and fought like all other families on this earth.” He shrugged his shoulders a little. “I just... I just saw the opportunity of being someone, and I took it.”

This moment was so weird. The one who never talked was talking, the one who never cried was crying. Donghae couldn't even look at him because he himself was also on the edge to burst into tears.

“I'm scared.” Eunhyuk said. “I'm so ing scared it's ridiculous.”

“It's not.”

“Yes, it is. And you know it. Everyone else knows it that's why I can't talk to anyone.”

The silence now wasn't like the silent moments they had before, where they could just lie down and enjoy the feeling of not being alone; enjoy the fact that they both knew something was there even though they didn't say it out loud. But this wasn't like that. Donghae felt like he had to say something, help Eunhyuk with everything he could. But what was there to say?

He moved closer to Eunhyuk, closer, closer, till he could lean his head and rest it over the dancer's shoulder. Eunhyuk didn't react and Donghae didn't expected him to either. He never did, he was always just the passive one. That was why Donghae felt his heart beat faster when he felt Eunhyuk lean his head too, his head making contact with Donghae's head. 

“Don't hang out with them.” Donghae said in a low voice, even thought he knew that was a useless thing to say. 

“You don't know them. I can't just leave. Do you know how many they are? I'm just one.”

“Two.”

Donghae felt Eunhyuk chuckle, and judging by his voice he could tell older one was starting to calm down. 


Suddenly something crossed Donghae's mind, and that thought made Donghae's whole body tense. He told himself that no, he was crazy for thinking this beacause it wasn't possible. But what if? He would never know if he didn't ask. 

Slowly he raised his head and looked at Eunhyuk and Eunhyuk looked back at him. He had to swallow before being able to speak. “Why are you telling me this now?” he asked. He didn't get an answer right away and he saw Eunhyuk hesitate. Donghae knew he shouldn't push the other, but he couldn't wait. He had to know. “There must be a reason... to why you're telling me this now.” he said, eyes looking into eyes, but Eunhyuk still didn't say anything. “Do you love me?” Donghae finally asked, his heart stopping for a moment. “Are you telling me this because you love me?” 

The world was suddenly moving slowly, so slowly; the second hand on a clock moving in slow motion. The silence, the fact that Eunhyuk didn't respond, was killing Donghae and he could almost hear his own pulse, heartbeat picking up a quicker pace.

“Yeah.”

He said it. He actually said it.

Oh God, he said it. 
Everything Donghae had fought for, everything he had waited for... 

There had been a million things that brought them to this point. Their first meeting, the bullying, the uncertainty... How many times hadn't Donghae thought about stopping, telling himself it wasn't worth it because Eunhyuk wouldn't change.  He had cried, he had hoped, loved, waited. All those days of longing... He had finally done it. 

It had been rough, horrible and lonely because Donghae had been fighting for this all by himself. That was what got him to this point; his strenght, his stubbornness and his love. And now, he finally did it. Eunhyuk loved him. 

Donghae couldn't hold back and cried. He cried with so many emotions; eyes closed shut and both his hands covering his mouth and nose. Tears were running down to his hands but he didn't even feel it. Eunhyuk chuckled and hugged him, arms embracing him and pulling him close – his head against Donghae's head.

“Stop being such a girl.” he said in a low voice, in the sweetest voice Donghae had ever heard and that only made him cry more.

Posted on: 5th May, 2012. Saturday.