After yesterday’s incident nothing more happened. Eunhyuk, way too soon, pushed Donghae slightly away. When standing like that, his hands on Donghae’s shoulders, he looked Donghae in the eyes as if he wanted to say something. He even parted his lips a little, but no words came out of his mouth. In the end he just closed his eyes and let go of Donghae’s shoulders before massaging his own temples with his fingertips. After some seconds he mumbled what Donghae thought was something like “I need to think” before leaving. Donghae himself felt the same. Maybe he had just done a terrible mistake. 

Donghae had an idea that sleeping today would be as hard as all the other days, if not worse. As soon as Siwon would fall asleep and he would be left alone with his own thoughts he would drown himself in ‘what if’-thoughts. At one hand he was relieved that he finally had told what he felt but on the other hand he couldn’t stop this uneasy feeling from coming; wondering if what he just had done really was such a great idea.

So to clear his mind a little from all thoughts he decided to, even though it was pretty late, call his mother. Hopefully she would still be awake and if not he would simply call tomorrow. He would love it if she was awake though, since he really needed something else to think about right now. Luckily for him someone answered the phone only after a few rings.


The conversation started with a loud “Why haven’t you called, young man?” while Donghae just chuckled at the expected sentence, since he knew an ordinary “Hello” wouldn’t be enough for his mother. Right after that she asked if something was wrong since he was calling so late but Donghae assured her everything was fine. He just wanted to talk to her. She asked him how things were, how he was and if he was behaving, while Donghae told a story of him having a wonderful time and having a lot of friends. She believed every word her youngest son told her. When Donghae told her he missed them he could almost hear his mother’s heart break. She missed him too and so did his hyung. At the end of the conversation she said things that cheered Donghae up more than anything in this world; telling him to stay strong and eat and sleep well. She also told him that she believed in him, missed him and loved him and that everything would be fine.

After hanging up he still had some troublesome thoughts in his mind. But the thought of his family were greater and Donghae managed to finally fall asleep almost without any worries at all.

---

Waking up wasn’t as horrible as it was when Donghae only slept for a few couple of hours. As always he woke up half an hour before everyone else to make his breakfast and eat it in his room. He didn’t wake Siwon up though, but decided to take his time and make breakfast to both of them. When he thought that before Donghae became Siwon’s roommate Eunhyuk and Sungmin ever bothered Siwon he always got a bad conscience. He knew Siwon would never say it because he was such a nice person, so even though it was a simple little thing as doing breakfast Donghae would gladly do it for him.

While getting ready Donghae was about to pack his books – some of them lying on his bed and some of them on his table – when he saw a couple of unfamiliar books lying there on the table, mixed with some of his own. “Are these yours?” he asked and turned to Siwon, who was standing in front of a mirror; trying to get satisfied with his hair. 

Siwon turned his attention to Donghae, shook his head and continued on his hair. Donghae inspected the books carefully and then he realized that some of his own books were missing. It took some time for him to remember what could be the reason for that. “Yesterday” he started, while starting to turn over the pages of one of the unknown books. “I fell and a guy helped me up.”

“What guy?”

Donghae packed down all books that weren’t his inside his bag to return them later today. “I don’t know his name. I think he was a senior. He looked older.”

“What did he look like?”

Donghae zipped his bag before trying to recall the scene. But at that time Donghae had been too shocked to take notice of the other’s look. Was he brunette? Or maybe black haired? He couldn’t remember. “I don’t remember.”

Siwon shrugged his shoulders, not understanding Donghae’s point at all. But Donghae gave himself a new mission today. He still hadn’t thanked him. Though he had no idea how to find him since he barely even remembered what the other looked like. He could imagine he looked like most guys here – short black or brown hair and a uniform – and that didn’t help him at all.


As school ended Donghae’s hope died of finding the new guy. That was until someone tapped his shoulder when he and Siwon were on their way back to their dorms. When turning around he saw an unknown guy standing behind him. He could easily guess who it was even though the face was not familiar in any way.

“Hi there.” the guy said with a smile as he extended two books. “These are yours, right? I suppose you need them”. The guy was brunette and had his hair in a little ponytail. His nose was straight and when he smiled he got small dimples on his cheeks. 

Donghae bowed as he took the two books. “Thank you. Again. And thank you for yesterday too. And I’m sorry for leaving the mess like that.” Donghae could finally strike that out on his To do-list.

“Don’t worry about it.” The still nameless guy turned to Siwon to greet him to before introducing himself. “I’m Park Jungsoo.” he said. “But call me Leeteuk.”  

“You’re a senior, right? I’m Lee Donghae. And this is Choi Siwon.” 

Leeteuk face brightened up. “The new kid?” he asked.

‘The new kid’ was a synonym to ‘the scholarship guy’ which was a synonym to ‘the poor guy’. Donghae got uneasy and for a moment he doubted that this person really was a good guy. But then he scolded himself mentally for being so paranoid. 
He nodded and tried to smile politely, to not show what he just had thought. 

“Don’t worry.” Leeteuk said and gave him a wink – Donghae was too obvious. “I’m a good kid”. He ruffled Donghae’s hair with one hand. “Take care.” he said both to him and Siwon “And be more careful next time”. That last part was meant to Donghae. He gave both younger males one last smile before leaving. 
 

~ * ~

The next day Donghae didn’t go to school. He said he was sick, even though he was feeling quiet okay. Siwon knew Donghae wasn’t the type to skip class without any reason so after a few ‘are you sure?’s he nodded understandingly and said he would bring Donghae’s homework with him. He asked if Donghae wanted him to come during lunch break but Donghae told him that it was fine.

Donghae didn’t find a specific reason to why he wanted to stay in his room today. He was just... so tired. He just needed some rest, away from everything. He didn’t want to see anyone, not the students, not the teachers, not his enemies, no one. Just Donghae and an empty room. He would calmly do his homework in a silent room, eat his lunch alone and then possibly go to bed and rest for a while. Donghae rarely complained even though he often had negative thoughts. He deserved giving himself one day to rest. 
 

The day started fine. School started 8a.m and Donghae dared to leave his room and go to the kitchen half an hour after all students had left. He sighed loudly and heavily, out of pure relief. Today was his, and only his, day.

He ate breakfast in the kitchen for the first time ever since his first day here; since he and Siwon had started to eat breakfast in their own room to avoid Eunhyuk and his friends. He calmly returned to his room, took a shower and brushed his teeth before feeling good enough to start with some homework. Around 10a.m he left his room only to get a glass of water and once again, when walking over to the kitchen, he felt that unfamiliar happiness when knowing that no one could disturb his precious time with himself. But Donghae’s little bubble of happiness burst when hearing the door leading to the corridor open. He was about to turn on the tap when he froze.

He listened intensely to the footsteps and heard yet another door open, this time a door of a dormitory. Then a voice, a way too familiar voice, greeting someone in a way too gentle tone. The voice belonging to the person that had caused so much chaos in Donghae’s life immediately made Donghae walk over to see what was going on. And he did not get happy at all when making it just in time to see Eunhyuk letting in an unknown girl into his room. Eunhyuk was not supposed to be here. And that girl was definitely not supposed to be there either.

Shrugging his shoulders and then going back to get his water never crossed Donghae’s mind. Nothing really did cross his mind actually, because it usually doesn’t when you act on pure impulse. Donghae’s impulse was to slam the door open. That girl had succeeded in what people thought was impossible; she woke up the jealous inside Donghae. 


Both Eunhyuk and the long haired girl froze in their positions; her thin arms around Eunhyuk’s neck and he embracing her by her waist. They were just as surprised as Donghae was, if not more, since neither of them knew what the heck the other was doing here. 

A dull cheer appeared in Donghae’s mind when realized that they hadn’t had time to do anything. But that disappeared when seeing where Eunhyuk’s hands were. Luckily the girl let go of Eunhyuk as soon as she realized what had happened.

“Are you even allowed to be here?” Donghae asked, using a tone that made the answer obvious. The girl looked at Eunhyuk with questioning eyes, as if he had the right answer since she still didn’t quite understand what was going on. “Don’t look at him, I’m talking to you.” he said with an unfamiliar disgust in his voice that even made himself surprised.

She turned to look at Donghae with a clueless expression before once again looking at Eunhyuk and once again asking him with the eyes what to do. But Eunhyuk didn’t help her out as he himself had a bothered, and possibly a little scared, expression. Eunhyuk decided to make an attempt and say something but Donghae was faster. “If you don’t leave now you’ll be in huge trouble. I will gladly tell on you”. Before both males knew it the girl vanished, almost running away.

The awkward atmosphere was still there, even though the girl was gone, but now Donghae started to regret a little what he just had done. Eunhyuk was clearly waking up from his shock; getting back both his consciousness and anger. Donghae, deciding that he was too young to die, made a failure attempt to run away but only managed to get out of the room, to the corridor, when he was suddenly being pressed against the wall with Eunhyuk’s hands possessively placed on either side of his head.

“What was that?” Eunhyuk hissed. “You think you can just leave now after that little scene of yours?” He was standing dangerously close to Donghae, both body and face, which made it hard for Donghae to concentrate on what he was saying. But this was Donghae’s chance to make things clear. Doing things halfway was for wimps.

“Aren’t you with me now?” he asked. Eunhyuk’s eyes, that were looking at Donghae as if he was a prey, soften a little – as if he was registering what Donghae just had said. But when he did he gave him a lazy smile and chuckled soundlessly, only to show Donghae how ridiculous he was being. 

Halfway is for wimps, halfway is for wimps, was what Donghae kept repeating to himself and forced himself to continue talking. “I said I wanted to be yours.”

“And I never said I wanted you to be mine. Leave me alone”. Eunhyuk backed off but only had time to turn around as Donghae grabbed his wrist. Eunhyuk turned his face and glared at those slender fingers. Donghae could almost feel Eunhyuk’s glare pierce through his hand and he immediately let go.

“You’re not even giving me a chance.” he said fast, since he knew Eunhyuk would leave.

“I don’t want to give you a chance. What’s wrong with you? Leave me alone, for Christ’s sake!” 

“I’m going to be a nightmare!” Eunhyuk was about to close the door behind him, since he had finally managed to get inside his room, but he didn’t. Somehow he had a feeling that Donghae really could be a nightmare. “I’ll keep chasing away all your girls till you have no other choice than to be gay!” Eunhyuk turned around, not knowing if he should laugh because this was so comical or cry because he knew Donghae was serious. “And then I’ll chase away all the guys till you have to live in celibacy.” 

Eunhyuk sighed, his hands massaging his face. What the heck had he got himself into? They stood like that in silence, Eunhyuk wishing that he could rewind the time and Donghae waiting for Eunhyuk to say something, anything. Eunhyuk couldn’t help but think that he was digging his own grave and Donghae was helping him with the digging.

“Weren’t you listening last night?” Eunhyuk didn’t answer. Even though it was a ‘yes or no’ question he had no idea what to say. “I think I love you”. Still no respond. Eunhyuk didn’t even try to say something. Donghae never failed to make him speechless. 

If this would happen just a couple of weeks ago he would have laughed Donghae in the face. This would be the highlight of humiliation and Eunhyuk would enjoy it more than anything. And the seniors, they would enjoy it too. But now he couldn’t. It was impossible saying something that he knew he should. Eunhyuk hated him. He hated him for taking away the control Eunhyuk should have. He just showed up one day to another and now suddenly Eunhyuk’s life was upside down.

“I want you to be honest.” Donghae said.

Honesty, Eunhyuk though. He wanted honesty – fine, he would get his goddamn honesty. “You want me to be honest?” he repeated, and his tone told Donghae he was not going to like it. “Fine. Then I want you to leave me alone. Leave. Me. Alone.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Eunhyuk moaned out loud in total frustration. “That’s the problem! You keep nagging about honesty but when you ing get it you say you don’t believe me, just because you don’t like what you’re hearing.”

“That’s not true.” Donghae said, and Eunhyuk got even angrier. How the  could he sound so calm when he supposedly was the underdog?! “I don’t believe you because your eyes tell me that you’re lying.”

Eunhyuk chuckled again, but this time only to prove that he was not going to lose this. Was this even a competition? He didn’t care. He was not going to lose anyway. “Look at the poet.” he said, and managed to find the tone he usually used when talking to Donghae. He widened his eyes and pointed at them. “What more do you see? Perhaps a ‘ off, you ’?”

Donghae didn’t find Eunhyuk’s little ‘joke’ funny at all. Instead, since Eunhyuk’s specialty was to act like an immature child, he decide to speak in a way Eunhyuk couldn’t be himself.

“Maybe it is true.” he suddenly said, looking Eunhyuk directly in the eyes, and Eunhyuk unconsciously raised one eyebrow. “Maybe you really don’t want to be with me, Eunhyuk. Maybe, Eunhyuk, you really do hate me and really want me to leave you alone”. Eunhyuk knew Donghae well enough to understand that there was something else Donghae would come up with, and he was afraid. He didn’t want to hear it, yet he didn’t leave. “But what does Hyukjae think about me?” Silence. “I’ve heard enough of what Eunhyuk has to say. Now, let me hear what Hyukjae wants to say.”

The dancer’s mind went blank. No words, no thoughts, nothing. He should defend himself even though it would be a simple ‘shut up, you idiot’. But he didn’t. He couldn’t stop wondering if Donghae really did have a point, and that bothered the hell out of him.

“That’s why I don’t believe you.” 

Eunhyuk sighed. His body wasn’t as tensed as it had been all this time. He was used in having things his way; he was always in charge and in control, but now for the first time in years he had no idea what to do. He could barely look Donghae back in the eyes. But maybe it was time for him to stop being such a control freak. Maybe everything would be okay anyway.

“Do you want to be mine?” he asked. He wondered if he would ever regret this. He also wondered what the consequences would be. What was he risking? What was he really giving himself into? He had no idea. Donghae nodded, still looking Eunhyuk intensely in the eyes. Eunhyuk opened the door to his room wider, like how you do when someone is going to enter before you. “Then get in.”

Posted on: 9th January 2012. Monday.