It had started to rain. Cold raindrops fell on Donghae's arms; he wasn't dressed to be outside. The hair on his arms was standing at attention, while the hair on his head was glued to both his forehead and neck. He knew he needed to say something – anything – but his mind failed him completely. The rain made it impossible for him to see if Kibum was crying or not. 

“I should probably just...” Kibum said in a calm voice, raising his arm and pointing behind his shoulder with his thumb; gesturing that he should leave. Without minding to even continue his sentence he dropped his hand, shrugged his shoulders just a little and walked away. 

“Kibum, wait.” Donghae said, finally managing to say something, but before he could leave Eunhyuk grabbed his wrist.

The dancer had no idea what he was doing. It's strange how the body sometimes acts without the brains permission. 
Donghae turned around, eyes looking at the hand around his wrist. He looked up at Eunhyuk, which seemed to be just as surprised as Donghae himself. Donghae shook his head and Eunhyuk let go. 

He watched as Donghae didn't waste any time in catching up with the younger boy; his shoulders hanging low, eyes fixed on his feet, as he walked slowly. They were too far away for Eunhyuk to hear what they were saying, he could just watch. Donghae stopped him, his hand on Kibum's shoulders and he was saying something. Seconds later they both started walking towards the boys dorm.

Eunhyuk didn't care about Kibum. He could care less if Kibum would rot in the darkness of sorrow. He probably deserved it. But Donghae cared. Eunhyuk turned around, a river of mixed emotions rushing through his body. He needed to do something. He crouched down, grabbed a stone and mumbled a pissed off “” before throwing it. A squealing sound cracked his ears; hundreds of small pieces of glass falling to his feet. He looked up, not feeling worried or bad at all over that huge whole in the window. He drew one hand through his damp hair and cursed again. 

They were walking in silence, and they both knew it was Donghae's responsibility to break it. It was dark, the only source of light being the lamp posts, and it was cold. The rain was slapping him, as if nature was cursing him for being such a sickening human being. Donghae couldn't do this to Kibum. He just couldn't. Eunhyuk couldn't be compared to someone like Kibum. It didn't matter if Eunhyuk actually meant what he had said, Donghae still couldn't be happy. Kibum had been humiliated and betrayed. Donghae had no right to call Eunhyuk, or anyone else, a jerk or an anymore. Not after this.

“I want to...” Donghae started. He didn't know if he meant what he was about to say, but he didn't have time to think it through. He just knew that Kibum was innocent and had gotten involved in this without wanting to. “I want to make this work.” he finally said.

Kibum chuckled a little. “No, hyung, you don't.”

Way to go, Donghae. 

“You don't want to make this work.” 
Kibum was right, Donghae didn't want to make this work. He felt like he was about to cry. What had he done? Kibum suddenly stopped walking. He turned to face his hyung, eyes starting to get a little red. “Can you...” he said, and the soft voice he used to speak broke Donghae's heart. “Can you please leave? I want to be alone.”

”Kibum, I'm so s–”

“Please?” 

The fact that Kibum didn't scream at him, punched him, insulted him made Donghae feel like the most disgusting creature on this earth. He deserved it, he deserved being yelled at and punched and the fact that Kibum still was treating him with respect was a torture. 

Donghae nodded, biting his bottom lip and swallowing to not cry like the pathetic he was. He watched as Kibum slowly walked away, suddenly drawing his right arm over his eyes and Donghae hoped from the bottom of his heart that he did that because of the rain and not because of tears. 

**

Eunhyuk was sitting with his back against the wall, knees up to his chest; gathering a small puddle of water in his cupped hand. He didn't care about his expensive pants being ruined. The alcohol was slowly, slowly starting to fade away and suddenly he started to get worried over what was going on. Donghae, Kibum, the hyungs, even that goddamn window. He started to remember why he wanted to get drunk in the first place.

He looked up when hearing weak splashes of someone walking towards him. He wondered if he unconsciously had decided not to leave because he hoped Donghae would be back. But then he realized that no, he had stayed there just because he wanted to be alone and the thought of Donghae coming back didn't cross him till now; when he was watching Donghae approach him. 

“Listen,” he started when Donghae was standing right in front of him. “This was a mistake.” he wasn't looking at Donghae when speaking, but at his cupped hand. “We shouldn't ha–”

“Change your mind now, Hyukjae, and I swear I'll kill you”. The tone and words surprised Eunhyuk and he immediately turned to look at the younger one. “Change your mind and I'll beat you so ing hard you'll crawl back to your hyungs with no teeth, crying like a ing girl”. Eunhyuk didn't reply but just dried his wet hand on his equally wet shirt, not looking at Donghae anymore. “Do you realize what I've done?” No reply. “Did you see his face?”

Still no reply. Eunhyuk rested his chin on his knees, looking emptily somewhere behind Donghae's legs. Was he actually feeling sympathy for that rat Kim Kibum?

“And for what?” Donghae asked and Eunhyuk started to wonder if he was talking to him or himself. “For someone like you? Someone who doesn't even treat me well because of who I am?” 

Eunhyuk was starting to freeze and he didn't realize till now that the rain had started to calm down. He raised his head just a little, looking at the gray sky. Everything, the stars, the moon, were covered by thick clouds. 

“Do you realize how ing absurd my choice is?”

Yes. Since a long time ago. 

“I need to know if it's worth it or not.” 

Eunhyuk wanted to leave. He wanted to get up, push Donghae out of his way and just run. Just run away, because that worked. That was the only thing that worked when Eunhyuk didn't have control, when he wasn't the one in charge anymore. Donghae was going to ask that, and he was going to demand an answer Eunhyuk himself didn't know. But he didn't run. 

“Do you want to be with me or not?” 

Moments in silence passed; the rain plopping, the wind whistling; making the leaves dance. Donghae sighed and Eunhyuk looked at him. He laughed a little sadly. “I take that as a no.” 

The hopelessness in his voice, that anguished sigh – Eunhyuk had to do something. “I think so.” he said in a low voice, but Donghae heard every word. That was not the answer Donghae needed. 

“You think so?” he repeated. Eunhyuk didn't mind nodding. “You think so?” he said once again, emphasizing that word who was causing him to get even more confused and possibly a little despaired. “Have you even been listening to what the  I've been saying?” Donghae said, raising his voice for every word. “You think so?” a chuckle “Thinking so isn't good enough, stupid!”

Donghae crouched down, forcing Eunhyuk to look him in the eyes. “Either you want or you don't.” 

Eunhyuk's heart started to race, adrenaline slowly starting to move in his veins. “I don't know...” 

Donghae screamed, a yell of pure anger. “Forget about it!” he shouted. He got up and kicked the grass. “!”. Eunhyuk jumped slightly in surprise; not expecting the younger one to scream out like that. “How can–” Donghae asked, walking back and forth, shaking with anger. “Why did–” He stopped and pointed at Eunhyuk with a shaking finger. “You should–”. He let his hand drop and tried to kick his anger away once again. “!” 

“Calm down.” Eunhyuk said, the fact that he was sounding so composed just making everything so much worse. 

“How can you ask me to calm down?! You don't have the right to ask me for anything, you !” 

“I'm sorry.”

Donghae didn't pay any attention to if it was an honest 'I'm sorry' or just a dumb attempt to make Donghae calm down. Most likely the latter, but it didn't matter. Donghae didn't care. “I don't want your ing apology.” he hissed. “It does nothing for me.” Finally, he was talking and not yelling. “I want a ing answer, yes or no.” 

No answer.

“Yes or no!” And there the screaming started again. Eunhyuk chuckled at how Donghae was unable to control himself for just one second. “Answer me!” 

“Stop yelling!” 

“ you!” Tears started running down the brunet's eyes. “ you, Eunhyuk! you, you,  you!” 

Eunhyuk sighed and got up and Donghae stopped walking, stopped yelling, stopped waving his arms like a maniac and stopped kicking things that weren't there. He was breathing heavily, sweating. He looked at Eunhyuk; eyes red from everything he was feeling; anger, sadness, disappointment and desperation. Without saying a word the older one stretched his arms out a little. Donghae swallowed, almost audible. Slowly he started walking towards him. Eunhyuk's eyes were understanding and sympathetic, but not expressing love. Donghae walked yet a little closer, finally stepping into the inviting embrace. He hugged Eunhyuk hard, arms around the thin waist; burying his face in the crook of Eunhyuk's neck. Eunhyuk dropped his arms; not hugging the younger one back. He didn't figure out of his skin was wet from the rain or from Donghae's tears. Probably both. 

**

“Take this one.” Donghae said, once again wiping his eyes with his arm. He gave Eunhyuk the towel before walking over to sit on his own bed. He sobbed for the last time. Eunhyuk didn't mind thanking him. He took his shirt off and threw it on the floor, drying his wet hair with the white towel. “You're welcome.” Donghae said, trying his best to not look at the topless dancer. 

Eunhyuk shook his head fast when being done with the towel; some drops flying everywhere in the room as he did so. He turned his head to the right, watching his masterpiece in the oval mirror on the wall, and chuckled soundlessly to himself when watching his hair pointing in direction he had no idea hair could point. Slowly, he walked over to where Donghae was sitting, placing the towel over the singer's head. Donghae thought feeling the dancer massaging his scalp for a spit second before letting go, leaving the towel on his head. He sat down beside Donghae, closer than he usually would have. They were both looking straight before them, not even glancing at the one beside.

“Is Siwon gonna be back soon?” Eunhyuk asked. Donghae shook his head – the towel falling down to the floor – even though Eunhyuk wasn't watching. But he probably saw it in the corner of his eye, because he didn't ask again. “My hyungs don't like you.” Eunhyuk suddenly said, after what felt like an eternity in silence.

“You don't say.” Donghae said.

“I need them”. It hurt hearing Eunhyuk say that, but Donghae was strong enough to not let it show. That wasn't necessary anyway. “I need them more than I need you.”

Donghae didn't cry. He had asked for honesty for so long, and that was exactly what he was getting now. You get what you deserve. “Then press your hyungs against the wall and shove your tongue down their throat.”

That was meant to stay in Donghae's mind, but he said it out loud anyway; thinking that the situation couldn't possibly get any worse than it already was. The comment went in through Eunhyuk's right ear and out through the left one. 

“You're not gonna tell anyone about us ever, are you?”. Eunhyuk didn't have to answer that. “For how long, Hyukjae?”. Donghae turned his head to look at the dancer; the other refusing to look Donghae in the eyes. “Till you get tired of me? Till you find someone else to screw? For how long?”

“It's a comfort knowing you're there.” Eunhyuk replied, not giving a damn if he was answering Donghae's question or 
not. “Backing me up.” He hadn't given Donghae one single glance since he sat down beside him.

“I don't want to be just a comfort.” 

“It's a start.” 

There were so many questions and so few answers. A start of what? It was so much, so complicated, that Donghae got exhausted from just trying to get what the heck was really going on. But he never got the time to comment or ask or say anything at all, because Eunhyuk moved; turning his body to face Donghae. 

He lift his hand; cupping Donghae's chin and guiding him closer to his own face. Eunhyuk didn't want to talk about it, Donghae knew. He didn't want to talk about it because he didn't want to think about it. Fine, Donghae thought, let's not think. He closed his eyes; breathing heavily as he started to feel Eunhyuk's breath against his lips. He felt Eunhyuk kiss the corner of his mouth, then his upper lip and then his lower lip; tasting every part of Donghae's mouth. Donghae raised his arms; his fingers starting to ghost over Hyukjae's arms, his shoulders, upper arms, forearms and hands as Eunhyuk slowly pressed him down on the bed. Eunhyuk himself was still sitting up, watching Donghae who was lying down on his back. He wondered how Donghae's hands could be so warm, despite them being outside in the rain for so long. His own hands were cold. 

He sneaked his hands inside Donghae's shirt – making Donghae wince and tense his muscles from the coldness – and pulled the shirt over his head; watching as Donghae's unclothed chest started to move up and down faster and faster. Donghae asked himself if he was going to regret this, asking himself just how drunk Eunhyuk actually was right now. But he didn't show any signs of wanting Eunhyuk to stop. Eunhyuk leaned forward, yet a few drops from his hair falling on Donghae's forehead, and Donghae parted his lips a little more; giving Eunhyuk's tongue free entrance. Ice cold hands made their way up on Donghae's upper body. 

Let's not think.

Posted on: 25th March, 2012. Sunday.