“Lee Donghae!” Donghae jumped in surprise, the chair legs making a crying sound against the wooden floor; waking almost the whole class up. “Are you listening?” 

Donghae nodded fast, even though it was obvious for both himself and the teacher that he was lying. Their Korean teacher was the one Donghae liked the most. He was the one accepting Donghae from the start, giving him a warm welcome when Donghae first arrived and making sure Donghae survived their trip to the forest, despite him being paired up with someone like Eunhyuk. But Donghae liking him as a teacher wasn't enough for Donghae liking the subject. 

The teacher smiled a little at him and nodded, which gave Donghae a bad conscience over the lack of interest in this subject. He continued talking about the famous Korean writers and Donghae tried his best to keep himself concentrated. And then, when class ended the teacher asked Donghae to stay a little longer. 

“How are things going?” he asked, when he and Donghae were left alone in their classroom.

“Fine.”

“Are you sure?” the teacher asked, disbelief in his voice. 

Donghae nodded. “Some students are still being a little mean. But it's nothing I can't handle. And most of the time people are being really nice”. His lie made himself almost chuckle out loud. Especially when thinking about all mornings he woke up, wishing from the bottom of his heart that he never, even had entered this school. But no matter how awesome the teacher was, Donghae didn't want him to know.

“Good.” the older man said and smiled a little. “If things get out of hand, tell me and we'll solve this together with the principal”. Donghae nodded, bowed as a thank you and left the classroom, before the teacher would see through his lie. 


When Siwon asked what the teacher wanted Donghae told him, and Siwon sighed at his friend's dishonesty. But Siwon knew better than anyone else that Donghae refused to let his own problems bother someone else, and Siwon knew arguing against that would be pointless. The only thing he could do was to remind him over and over again that he wasn't alone and Donghae couldn't even express in words how much he appreciated that.


Today Donghae had zero interest in meeting up with Eunhyuk. He wasn't avoiding him, but he certainly wasn't paying him any attention at all. That was until he, Siwon and a friend of Siwon were sitting in the corridor. Siwon's friend was rather snobbish, and Donghae tried his hardest to not show that he slightly disliked the other. But since Donghae was bad in faking friendliness he decided to just sit quietly and listen to Siwon and the other, without interfering. 

He sighed silently to himself, getting a little more bored for each second that passed. But out of nowhere he suddenly got the feeling of being watched. 

He turned his head to where his senses told him the eyes were and saw another group of same aged males and girls, all of them being in Donghae's class sitting not too far away. He noticed that the blonde girl who asked to borrow his eraser was sitting there, and she must have sensed his eyes because she turned her head and their eyes met. Donghae was about to also turn his head, and pretend he never really looked at her direction, but she was faster and offered him a perfect smile and waved her hand a little. Even though the situation was rather awkward, Donghae did the same. Clearly, she wasn't the one who had been watching him, so she turned his head sooner than Donghae, back to talk to her friends. And then Donghae saw it; another familiar face in that group. 

Eunhyuk, who clearly had been eying him for a while, raised himself from where he was sitting as soon as he had succeeded in getting Donghae's attention from their weird telepathy. He walked over to the washroom, nodded his head a little at the restroom's direction, discreetly enough for others to not realize and Donghae got the point. After Eunhyuk had disappeared inside the white door, Donghae too raised himself and told his friends he would be right back, before following the dancer. 


Eunhyuk made sure all cubicles were empty, assuring himself that they were alone, before walking over to open one of them. Donghae walked inside it with Eunhyuk closing and locking it behind them. When being in safety, freezing out the world outside that tiny space, Eunhyuk dug in his pockets and took out some bills, the exact amount Donghae had left on the table at the restaurant before he had left. He stretched his hand and gave the money to Donghae – the younger one raising both his eyebrows in surprise. 

“Is this your way of apologizing?” Donghae asked as he accepted the money.

“Apologizing?” the other repeated and raised an eyebrow, as if he didn't see how that was relevant and never had crossed his mind. “What do you mean? I'm just returning your money.” 

Donghae smiled a little and shrugged his shoulders. He didn't need Eunhyuk putting it in words why he was returning it, because Eunhyuk wouldn't say it anyway. “Thanks.” he said and put the money in his uniform pocket. 

Eunhyuk didn't reply, but turn his body a little to unlock the door. But he didn't, because he felt Donghae stopping him by grabbing his hand. “Don't leave.” Donghae said in a gentle voice, and Eunhyuk's first impulse was to not turn that sweet voice down. 

So instead of leaving, he moved closer; his body making contact with Donghae's body and their lips almost touching. Donghae could feel the other breathing into his mouth and he closed his eyes. The fact that they were in a small toilet in the school, which would probably be the most unromantic place Donghae could think of, didn't matter. Eunhyuk leaned forward yet a little more, his lips brushing lightly against Donghae's, but when Donghae's tried to press against them and kiss him Eunhyuk pulled away a bit – smirking when Donghae made a small noise of frustration. But before Donghae had the chance to do another try and press their lips together, someone opened the main door to the toilet. Eunhyuk slipped his index finger between their lips and pressed it gently against Donghae's lips; telling him to not make a noise. 

They stood in silence, their bodies being so close that Donghae felt as if he would explode. They listened to when the person entering washed his hands, took some paper and walked out. Eunhyuk, finding this amusing, smirked again; his finger still preventing their lips from touching. When he removed his finger Donghae sighed out in relief; thinking that he would finally get the kiss he was being denied. But Eunhyuk was evil, and just placed a small kiss on the corner of Donghae's mouth.

“Not here.” he whispered against the corner of his mouth before unlocking the door. He left, leaving a shaking and frustrated Donghae behind. ing bastard. 

**

Hours passed. One hour, two hours, three hours, four hours. And then finally the clock rang. 

Since both Kibum and Ryeowook seemed to be eating dinner already and since neither Siwon or Donghae were in the mood for going out today they decided to make their own dinner. They had a good time together, since neither of them were really that good in cooking; and they both laughed at each others and their own failures when trying to cook something properly. 


Later that day Donghae had his dance practice again, and this time he didn't get surprised to see that Eunhyuk was already there. Apparently he didn't mind anymore spending the whole hour with Donghae, from 9pm to 10pm, instead of splitting the hour to 30 minutes each. But that didn't surprise Donghae, considering how much Eunhyuk seemed to love dancing. So Donghae didn't dare thinking that Eunhyuk was there for his sake, because Eunhyuk ignored him, as if he was being alone in the practice room. 

They danced to the same song together, Eunhyuk at the front and Donghae some steps behind him, and if Eunhyuk noticed Donghae did a mistake he decided to not mind and do his own thing without caring about the other. 

In other words, the hour passed in silence, with only the music making any sound till Eunhyuk glanced over at the clock on the wall and realize their time was out. Donghae walked over to sit beside his bag, taking a water bottle out of it and Eunhyuk just sat down in the center on the room, trying to catch his breathe from his hard practice. 

Then, for the first time during that hour, Eunhyuk turned his attention to the brunette. He watched Donghae drink out of the wet bottle and decided to speak up now, that Donghae wasn't expecting it.  “How many guys have you slept with?”

Before Donghae even had the time to raise his eyebrow to that random question he chocked with his water and started coughing violently. Eunhyuk chuckled. “What?” he asked, after he got his breath back.

“You told me before you weren't a .” the dancer replied, still sounding as unmoved as before. “That's why I'm asking how many guys you've slept with.” 

“Uh...” Donghae said, feeling both a mix of embarrassment and surprise. A question like that isn't something you ask out of the blue. Not to mention how personal the subject actually was. “One.” 

“Who?”

Donghae frowned a little and then, when thinking over the situation, he smiled a little. “Are you jealous?” 

“Curious.” Eunhyuk corrected him.

“I had a relationship with someone before getting here, for almost a year.” 

Even though it sounded like jealousy, Donghae couldn't be sure. The fact that Eunhyuk didn't seem interested at all, made it impossible for Donghae to tell what he was thinking. He seriously just looked bored. Maybe he really was just asking out of curiosity.

“I bet it was with that younger friend of yours.” Eunhyuk said and gave him a cocky lazy smile, as if he was proud over himself for figuring something out. He raised himself from his position and walked over to pack his things to make himself ready to leave. “Too bad for him you're obsessed with me now.”

Donghae had a good mind to snap back at him for bad mouthing both Kibum and himself. But knowing Eunhyuk like he did he decided to just let the other be. He simply could be a way too confident idiot sometimes, and Donghae had learned that a long time ago. 

Deciding to not even bother himself in trying to figure out Eunhyuk's feelings, Donghae returned alone to the dorm since Eunhyuk, of course, wouldn't walk back with him. He decided to sleep early today, and went straight to bed as soon as he got back. 

~ * ~

“– and as soon as you come home I'll cook your favorite dish for you!” 

Donghae laughed a little and saw that his laugh had gained Siwon's attention. He shrugged his shoulders and pointed at the phone, and Siwon just smiled back and nodded. “I gotta hang up now, mom. School starts in about fifteen minutes.” 

“Okay, honey.” his mom replied, still being as happy as before despite them hanging up so soon. “Be sure to behave! And study hard and eat properly.” 

“I promise.” 

“Take care, honey. Bye!” 

“Bye.” 

Talking to both his hyung and mom always made the Donghae's day brighter, no matter what. But this time he got slightly sad. His mom had constantly repeated how much she missed him and how much she was looking forward to Donghae's visit home. Donghae didn't have the heart to tell her that he wouldn't be able to go home anytime soon. School didn't allow him, since he had started this school later than the other new students, and because the trip home would be expensive. He himself would not be able to pay for it, and neither would his mom or hyung. At least not anytime soon. But Donghae kept that to himself and sighed a little sadly to himself as soon as he hung up. Siwon didn't notice. 


Sine Donghae had slept enough this night, nightmareless and totally uninterrupted, he felt both more alert and happier. Little by little he was starting to get used to things and the nightmares seemed to be something from the past. He was proud over himself, over managing to get this far despite some students being total idiots even though Donghae hadn't done anything to them. 

**

School today wasn't anything different from all other ordinary school days. Donghae made sure to stay away from people who didn't want to have him close. But he was lucky, since most students who were the main people in his bullying had decided to skip school today. Not that Donghae complained – in fact, he felt twice as happy today as yesterday. So the day went, suspiciously smooth, with Donghae listening during all his lesson, being quiet in class and not getting late. He couldn't be any more proud of himself. 

After school he and Ryeowook – since Kibum and Siwon had made other plans with other people – went downtown; Ryeowook shopping some clothes and Donghae just simply enjoying the younger one's company. And before they knew it, they had spent enough hours outside and made their way back to the school. When arriving Ryeowook went straight to his and Kibum's room, saying that he would probably  study for a while and then go right to sleep because he was so tired, and Donghae made his way to his own room where Siwon already had returned.


Even though Siwon and Donghae were good friends and always had a good time together, they were both bored to death right now. Neither of them had the energy to do anything, and they ended up on their own beds, Donghae lying on his stomach and trying to read a book, and Siwon sitting with his back against the wall and trying to read the same book – a book their English teacher had told them to read. 

“Which page are you on?” Donghae asked.

“43.” Siwon said, and sighed as he turned over the pages of the book fast; reminding himself of how thick the book actually was. He had at least 300 pages left to read. 

“Well, you're doing better than me.” Donghae said, as he saw Siwon's depressed expression when looking at the book. “I'm on page 24.”

Siwon chuckled, even though that wasn't really a comfort to him. 

After twenty minutes Donghae closed the book; deciding that he wouldn't open it again for the rest of the weak. But he still didn't have anything to do for another twenty minutes, till his dance practice would start. “I'm going to make some tea.” he said as he raised himself from his bed. “You want some too?” 

Siwon nodded, even though he didn't really listen to what Donghae was saying since his mind was totally trying to focus to understand what the weird words in his book meant. 



“I need to tell you something.”

“Hm?” 

Both voices were familiar and Donghae could in a second put faces to them. He stopped walking and decided that the kitchen was occupied, and the best thing to do was to leave now that the two males hadn't seen him yet. If there was something in this world he should avoid, it would be the duo Sungmin and Eunhyuk. But when he suddenly heard his own name being mentioned he froze.

“You know what happened to Lee Donghae?” Eunhyuk asked carefully. 

Sungmin snorted at that name. “Do you honestly think I care?” 

“He got beaten up by the hyungs some weeks ago.” 

Sungmin got quiet for a moment, and Donghae even took a few steps closer to the kitchen. Prying was something both his parents had taught him was rude and impolite, but he could impossibly leave now. “What hyungs?” Sungmin asked after some seconds. 

“Heechul hyung's gang.” 

“I knew it.” Sungmin said and didn't sound surprised at all. “Or I didn't know it, but people started talking about it when he got back from the nurse's room. It's not the first time, so it doesn't really surprise anyone. Of course they were gonna beat someone like him.” 

Eunhyuk didn't reply to that. 

“Just don't get yourself involved in like that, Hyukie”. There was a moment of silence, and for some reason Donghae started to find it hard to breathe. “Because you weren't involved, right?” Sungmin asked, suddenly not sounding so confident anymore. 

“I didn't beat him.” 

Donghae's heart jumped; from his chest to his throat.

“Then what did you do?” 

“I don't know. I didn't do anything. Some guys were kicking and punching him and some guys were holding that ugly friend of his. I don't know his name, he's one year younger and lives upstairs.” 

Donghae reached his hand to touch the wall; feeling like his had was supporting his whole body weight. His knees started to shake and he felt tears form behind his eyes. 

“But you didn't do anything?”

“Of course I didn't do anything.” 

Sungmin sighed, as if this was not their first time having this conversation. “Why do you keep going with them?” he asked. “I just don't get what the heck you're thinking sometimes.” 

“Never mind.” Eunhyuk replied, and didn't even sound half as angry about Sungmin asking, than what he did when Donghae asked. “I just wanted to get that off my chest”. Donghae suddenly heard steps walking towards the corridor where he was standing. “I'm gonna change, it's too hot here.” Eunhyuk said and the moment he finished his sentence he saw that Sungmin and him weren't the only ones there. 

Eunhyuk stopped dead short, as if he had crashed into an invisible wall. He stared at Donghae, wishing that his mind was playing him a really bad prank, while Donghae stared back at him with teary eyes. Eunhyuk got a funny feeling, which he couldn't put on words. A punch in his stomach? A squeeze in his heart? He didn't know. He didn't know whether to call it “guilt” or something else. All he knew was that Donghae's broken eyes wouldn't allow him to sleep well tonight. Before he had the time to say anything Donghae disappeared into his own room. But even if he would have stayed Eunhyuk knew he wouldn't have said anything, because Sungmin was still in the kitchen and he would have heard him. 


Donghae didn't go to his dance practice that day. He wasn't in the mood for leaving his room, and Siwon didn't ask more about it when Donghae had responded with a “I'm tired”. And apparently Eunhyuk noticed Donghae wasn't there, because ten past nine someone knocked on the door to Siwon and Donghae's room. Siwon raised himself from his chair at the desk to open, and Donghae who was lying on his bed turned to watch who the guest was.

“Uh...” was the first thing Siwon said when realizing who was standing on the other side of their door, and he turned his head to look at Donghae; eyes asking 'what the heck is he doing here?'. Donghae didn't reply, but just sat up from his lying position, but Siwon still understood at least what he himself should do. 

“I'll bring my cellphone.” Siwon said to Donghae; watching as Donghae nodded and raised himself from his bed, before walking over to grab his phone and then put his shoes on. He gave the dancer a suspicious look, which Eunhyuk didn't respond since he was too busy thinking over something to even notice Siwon looking at him, before leaving.


Siwon's absence didn't make Eunhyuk talk. He was still quiet, till Donghae – as always – spoke up. “You lied to me.” he said. “You lied to me me right in my face”. Eunhyuk didn't say anything. He found it to be pointless in trying to defend himself. “I gave you a chance to be honest with me and you still lied to me.” 

As a reply, Eunhyuk shrugged his shoulders a little; not knowing what else to do or say.

“Is that all?” Donghae asked, Eunhyuk's attitude just making him even more angry and upset. “Don't you have anything to say?”

Being scolded by someone like Donghae was growing inside of Eunhyuk like a poison. Not because he was feeling guilty, but because he couldn't tolerate being scolded by a person like him. Yet, he knew he had done wrong and tried to keep himself composed. Donghae was in the right, he was in the wrong.

“You don't feel bad over it at all, do you?” Donghae asked, his voice lowering as if he was talking to himself. 

Eunhyuk didn't like what he was feeling, because he couldn't understand it. He was being pulled into two complete different directions; one telling him to punch the rude beggar for trying to correct him and trying to make him feel bad, and one telling him that he was a complete , a bastard, an idiot. They were both pulling him so hard that Eunhyuk could feel it everywhere; in his head, chest, brain, heart – everywhere. Being desperate to defend himself, he spoke up. “Look” he said, and got surprised over how he didn't even have a good hold of his own voice. “You're acting as if we're dating, and we aren't. So stop–”

“What are you talking about?” Donghae interrupted him and widened his eyes. “This isn't about dating!” his voice started to raise in anger. “This is about you being a freaking coward! You're a freaking coward and you know it.”

Eunhyuk's body started to shake, and he fisted both his hands, to somewhat get a hold of himself. 

“You isolate yourself in that absurd little bubble of yours, thinking that you own the world, but you know it's all fake. You don't know a about anything. You're just a freaking lapdog!” 

“Shut up!” 

It hurt. It hurt so badly, and Eunhyuk hated himself more than Donghae at the moment for sounding so pathetic. “ you.” he screamed back, pointing at Donghae with a shaking finger. “And this. I don't ing need you, you ing dog.” 

“But I ing need you, you bastard!” 

Eunhyuk's eyes started to water without him knowing the exact reason why. He didn't understand why he was getting upset in the first place. The door was just right behind him, he could in one movement turn around and leave. There was no reason for him to get so affected.

“And that's what makes me so pathetic.” Donghae said, calming down slightly; his vision getting blurred from tears he refused to let escape. “But you know what?” he spoke clearly; making sure that all words that left his mouth were being heard. “I'm tired of this.”

He remembered what he had said to Eunhyuk when he first had told him that he wasn't there during the incident. And the dancer had just proved that he wasn't worth it. Donghae wouldn't waste his time, torture his heart or lose more of his self respect to someone like him. He realized it's simply wasn't worth it.  

“I love you, but this is so not worth it. You don't give me anything back and you don't even make the slightest effort to make me stay with you. So get out of here, because we're finished, .” 

Without hesitating Eunhyuk left, slamming the door hard behind him as he did. 


Compared to Eunhyuk that never stood by Donghae when he needed it the most, there was someone who actually did. Someone who picked up his phone no matter at what hour Donghae called, and someone who always would run over to him if he needed him, no matter what the distance was.

“Are you okay, hyung?” Kibum asked as he opened the unlocked door. He had been knocking three times already and when no one opened he opened the door himself. As soon as he got Donghae's text message “Are you sleeping? If you aren't, can you come down here?”, he had put a shirt on, since he was only dressed in sweatpants, and had walked downstairs.

Donghae was sitting on the floor, his back against the bed; his knees up to his chest and his arm embracing them. His face was buried between his knees as he shook his head violently to Kibum's question. Kibum walked over to sit beside him, asking him for the fourth time “what happened?”, and as he sat down Donghae immediately moved to hug him tight. He buried his face between Kibum's neck and shoulder; his body wincing with each sob. 

Kibum could feel his skin getting wet from salty tears, and he embraced the other with strong arms; protecting him from whatever that could harm him. 

Eunhyuk wasn't like Kibum. 

Kibum turned his head a little, his nose making contact with Donghae's hair and he inhaled; feeling how that beautiful scent rushed through him; from nose to his toes. The most precious memories Kibum had; memories from sunny days in Mokpo, were suddenly played right before his eyes.

“I love you.” he suddenly whispered and Donghae immediately stopped sobbing. 

Donghae raised his head and to meet with the younger one's eyes; this own eyes being red and swollen. An unknown warmness filled his heart. He didn't saw Kibum, he just heard those words. Words he had been searching for but never got. He had made the impossible just to hear that; enduring insults and heartbreaking, still that didn't seem to be enough. But now someone said it, and the fact that it wasn't Eunhyuk never crossed Donghae's mind. Being lost in fake bliss Donghae leaned forward and kissed him; lips against lips, eyes closed and arms embracing. No, Eunhyuk wasn't like Kibum.

Posted on: 19th February, 2012. Sunday.