Donghae dared to turn his head and watch the undressed older. The coverlet was just right above his navel and he was looking emptily at the ceiling. He wondered what the dancer was thinking, since he clearly was thinking of something. He hated that with Eunhyuk, that Donghae never could guess what the other had in mind. And it wasn’t like he could ask or anything. 

“Listen.” Eunhyuk suddenly said and turned to face Donghae back and right then Donghae knew nothing good would come out of the other’s mouth. “This doesn’t mean anything. We aren’t dating if that’s what you think”. Of course. Donghae saw that coming. Still, he felt like someone gave his heart a hard squeeze. “I think you’re good looking. That’s all. I don’t love you. Not even close. I’m not even sure if I even like you”. Donghae was the first one to look away. He nibbled his bottom lip; not knowing what to say, think or do. He just listened. “And I probably never well either. You’re getting yourself into this .” 

Donghae nodded slowly. “I know”. There was a moment of silence, both of them thinking over what Eunhyuk just had said. But neither of them knew what would happen next and what the point in all this was.

“Good.” Eunhyuk said after a while, being the one to break the silence. “Now get out. Use your own shower. Everyone will be back pretty soon”. The tone he used was harsher than he wanted it to be. Donghae quietly reached over for his clothes, got dressed and left; not even turning around to look at Eunhyuk as he did so. 


He closed the door behind him carefully. He felt empty. What had he gained with this? Was this what he wanted? No, it wasn’t just the . The was just a stupid impulse of his, thinking that he and Eunhyuk would have some kind of connection after this. But of course that wouldn’t happen. How could he be so stupid? What really had happened was that he simply lost his self respect. That was all. 

He let himself slide down the door, hands covering his face, and cried. He had never, ever been so humiliated before. He cried so hard that his chest started to hurt, and he coughed from lack of air. Suddenly the door pushed his back as someone opened it. He immediately stood up, not realizing till now that school had already ended.

“What happened?” was the first thing Siwon said when seeing the swollen, red eyes on his roommate. 

Donghae couldn’t talk. He knew it was pointless to even try because it would end up being incoherent words that would be cut short with sobs. Instead he warped his thin arms around Siwon’s neck and hugged him tight and kept crying as Siwon kept asking what had happened. 

**

“I don’t want to talk about it. Really.” Donghae didn’t know how many times he had said that already to the taller one and of course that still didn’t comfort Siwon at all. “I will tell you later. But not now, okay? I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Donghae added, knowing that Siwon really cared and wanted to know what had caused Donghae to cry that hard. But nagging and forcing it out wasn’t really what Donghae wanted, Siwon understood that. So he nodded, even though he disliked Donghae’s decision of not telling him. But he couldn’t stop worrying and terrifying thoughts crossed his mind. The worst thing that came to mind was that something had happened to his family.  

“Did someone... die?” he asked carefully. 

Donghae smiled sadly. A part of himself, maybe? “No.” he said in a low voice as he turned around on his bed; facing the wall and his back facing Siwon.

~ * ~

“If I ever woke up as a girl I would date someone like you. If not the real you since the original is always the best one.”

Siwon started laughing and shook his head. “If that ever happens I promise I will marry you.” he said as bent down to put his shoes on. Donghae, who was standing in front of the mirror doing his hair, was about to reply but didn’t when something got his attention. Something was on his neck, just above his collarbone. He raised his head a little to get a better view of his neck. 

A red mark, that shouldn’t be there, was there, caused by a certain someone. 

“What is it?” Siwon asked and was suddenly standing right behind him. Donghae immediately pulled his collar up and buttoned all buttons on his uniform shirt. Siwon raised one eyebrow and inspected Donghae before speaking. "Are you gonna wear it like that?"

Usually the first two, three buttons were ed, mostly because it was uncomfortable having them all buttoned. But Donghae nodded, as if he always had been wearing his shirt like that. “We’ll be late.” he said to not give Siwon time to think about anything at all. 

**

Donghae got permission to skip the first class since the school nurse had told him to go over to her room, because she was going to take Donghae’s bandage off his wrist. Donghae couldn’t thank her enough because he wasn’t looking forward meeting Eunhyuk today. He knew he could impossibly act as if nothing had happened.

And yes. During class Eunhyuk was acting disturbingly ordinarily compared to Donghae, because Donghae had a hard time thinking about anything than yesterday. Whenever his and Eunhyuk’s eyes accidentally met he immediately had to turn his face and cover it to hide his blush. He could feel Eunhyuk’s angry eyes on him all the time because Donghae was being so obvious about something happening. 

Donghae’s mission this day was to avoid Eunhyuk as much as possible. And since Eunhyuk seemed to do the same it was an easy task. Whenever someone in their class got bored and decided to do or say anything to Donghae – like calling him a homeless dog or pushing him in the corridor – Eunhyuk kept his distance, pretending that he was doing something on his phone, and leaving before the other had finished doing or saying whatever it was to Donghae.


During their lunch break they met up with Kibum and Ryeowook, as always, to decide what they were going to eat. Both Kibum and Siwon had already decided what they were going to eat which was in a pretty expensive restaurant. Donghae knew it only by name since he never had actually been there. He knew none of his three friends would call that restaurant expensive, or else they wouldn’t bring it up. But for Donghae it was and his wallet didn’t allow him to go and eat there. So he just shook his head and said that he simply wasn’t feeling like eating here. And Ryeowook, being the kindhearted human being he was, decided to not eat there either so Donghae wouldn’t have to be alone. They split up, Kibum and Siwon leaving to that restaurant, while Donghae and Ryeowook stayed and tried to decided what to eat. In the end they decided to not buy anything and just make their own lunch. 

When finishing they called their friends who told them they had returned to the school already. But they were soon going to start their lessons, in about 15 minutes, again and decided to meet up after school instead.

Donghae and Ryeowook walked together to the main building, talking a little about everything as they did so. Donghae got surprised at how easy it was talking to Ryeowook, and how cute the younger actually was. They were so busy talking and laughing that they didn’t notice that they both had stopped walking. But they got interrupted by a loud laugh that wasn’t too unfamiliar. They both turned their head and saw Sungmin and a guy whose name Donghae forgot laughing loud, while standing beside Eunhyuk and Shindong. Eunhyuk and Donghae’s eyes met by accident and Donghae felt that uncomfortable feeling from before. He turned to look at Ryeowook again, hoping that the younger hadn’t noticed the change of mood. But Donghae wasn’t that lucky.

“What is it, hyung?” Ryeowook asked. But instead of answering Donghae, who realized they were standing in front of the toilets, told him to wait for him as he disappeared inside the room behind them.  


Eunhyuk watched carefully as Donghae left his friend and got inside the rest room. Sungmin, Shindong and Junsu were talking loudly about unimportant things and Eunhyuk interrupted them, saying that he needed to use the toilet. The three nodded, not really listening to what Eunhyuk had said as they kept talking and laughing. 


Donghae was wiping his face with some paper when the guy using the only occupied cubicle opened the door. As soon as the unknown guy left Donghae carefully ed the three first buttons of his shirt to see that love bite on his neck, to make sure that it was there. Did he want it to be there? No. Honestly, no. If someone saw it, it would cause chaos and Donghae didn’t like lying. He wasn’t even good at it. But he didn’t quiet dislike the mark either. That was actually the only proof of something ever happening between him and Eunhyuk. 

He sighed and was about to button his shirt again when the main door opened. Donghae froze. Why did he have a feeling that this would happen?

He looked at the dancer through the mirror reflection in silence, but as the other approached Donghae started walking fast to leave the room and avoid the older. But he didn’t get anywhere as Eunhyuk stopped him by grabbing him by his wrist. Donghae got a bad feeling. He tried to pull his hand back but was in a second being pushed inside one of the cubicles. Eunhyuk locked the door before pressing Donghae up against the wall.

“What’s wrong with you?” he hissed, obviously being furious. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Stop acting so ing weird.” 

Donghae glared at him but didn’t say anything.

“Are you ing out of your mind? Why are you being so goddamn obvious? Stop being such a girl.”

“Leave me alone.” Donghae replied as he pushed Eunhyuk away as far as he could in that small space and reached over to unlock the door. But Eunhyuk was faster and stopped him by once again pushing him against the wall but this time placing both his hands on either side of his head.

“You want me to leave you alone? Now of all times? Stop being so ridiculous. It’s pissing me off.” 

Donghae didn’t meet his eyes, because he was afraid to start crying when thinking about yesterday’s humiliation. The least he could do now was trying and have some dignity left. 

“Was that me?” Eunhyuk suddenly asked. 

Donghae had to look at him to know what Eunhyuk was talking about. He saw Eunhyuk staring at his neck. “Who else would it be?” he asked and got a little angry because the question was more than stupid. 

“I don’t know.” Eunhyuk said and smirked. “Maybe you just act all innocent.”  

Did he call Donghae a ? 
Donghae couldn’t stop himself from giving the dancer a hard slap, so hard that an echo almost was born. When Donghae realized what had happened; his hand stinging and Eunhyuk’s smirk not being there anymore, he regretted it. He regretted it so bad. Eunhyuk slowly turned his face, looking directly into the younger’s eyes and for a moment Donghae was sure Eunhyuk was going to beat him. 

He was about to apologize, feeling frightened, but decided to keep his dignity. He got himself prepared for the punch by tensing all muscles he could tense. Even though it just took a second he register seeing Eunhyuk raise his hand and he immediately clamped his eyes shut, feeling nothing but fear.  

He heard the punch, but didn’t feel it. After some seconds he dared to slowly open one eye; realizing that Eunhyuk had punched the wall of the cubicle, right beside Donghae’s head. He looked at the hand; eyes wide open and heart beating fast, before turning to look at the dancer. And unexpectedly Eunhyuk’s eyes soften. He removed his hands. 

“.” he cursed. Deep inside he knew it was wrong blaming everything on Donghae, since he too had some responsibility in all this. And even though he tried convincing himself to just not care he couldn’t. “I didn’t mean to say the things I said yesterday. Not in that way.” Donghae widened his eyes again, but this time in surprise. Was Eunhyuk apologizing? “I just don’t know what to do with you. I don’t know what you want.”

“Then you’re just stupid.”

Donghae sure was testing his luck and for a moment he regretted that too. Eunhyuk frowned, and even glared at the younger, clearly not liking what Donghae just had said. But he decided to not insult Donghae back, because they were pressed for time since someone might come. He was quiet and let Donghae finish. 

“I already told you how I feel and what I want. If you still don’t understand then you’re an idiot.” 

Oh, it hurt not being able to reply back. Eunhyuk had some sweet words in mind that just begged to be said. But he held it and tried to listen, not just hearing, to what Donghae was saying. 

“I didn’t like what you said yesterday and it really hurt.” 

Eunhyuk started thinking. He tried to forget that someone might interrupt them or – even worse – hear Eunhyuk talk to Lee Donghae. But that thought was still there; a little voice saying You’re in huge trouble if someone sees you, Hyukjae. You’re risking a lot with this idiotic conversation. He sighed in frustration before getting quiet for a moment and listen; searching for any sound that told them they weren’t alone. But when neither of them spoke it was as silent as the grave. 

“We won’t be couple.” he started and carefully thought over his words. “We won’t date. So if you call me your boyfriend I’ll personally beat the out of you. Because I’m not. And I never will be either”. He got a second thought, before saying the last thing he had in mind. But he decided to say it anyway. “But I will stop seeing other people.” 

A small smile appeared on Donghae’s lips and he had to fight back the feeling of wanting to hug the other. But for Eunhyuk the voice telling him that this was wrong and dangerous became just louder and louder. Maybe it wasn’t too late to take it all back? If someone hadn’t walked inside the toilet at that very moment, he actually might have taken it all back. Eunhyuk panicked and pressed a hand against Donghae’s mouth, even though Donghae wasn’t even in the middle of saying something. With a little luck the person entering would just leave right after...

“Eunhyuk-ah!” 

Oh, . Eunhyuk froze and he even pressed his hand harder against Donghae’s mouth, as if he was making sure that not even the silent breaths would be heard. Donghae froze too, but not because of the same reason. That voice didn’t belong to Sungmin or Shindong. Not even to that third guy whose name Donghae always forgot. No, the voice belonged to someone else. His heart started to beat faster and tried to hold his breath completely, and thought himself getting teary eyed. Blurry memories from a chilly night crossed his mind.

“What have we here?” 

“What are two turtle doves like you doing out here at this hour?”

“Oh, you’re on your way home. Then I guess we shouldn’t bother you.” 
Punches, kicks, blood and sweat. He closed his eyes hard and tried to not hear the other one’s voice and not remembering what he only wanted to forget.  

“Eunhyuk!” 

Donghae winced for every time that guy spoke. He opened his eyes again when Eunhyuk slightly hit his cheek to get his attention. “Don’t. Even. Breathe.” Eunhyuk clearly mouthed before opening the door just enough to let himself pass and immediately closed the door as soon as he was out. 

“What?” Donghae heard Eunhyuk ask on the other side of the door. 

“I need to talk to you about tonight.”

“Now? Can’t we take it later?”

He heard uneasiness in Eunhyuk’s voice. Was it because he knew Donghae was listening? 
Even though Donghae was at this moment scared to death he could still register what both the other and Eunhyuk was saying. 

“No, because it’s full of people outside–”

“Hyung” Eunhyuk interrupted. “Let’s take it later. Really. I’m having a headache right now. And my class is starting soon. I’ll call you when school ends, okay?” 

There was a silence and Donghae could swear they could hear him breathe. Or move, even though he was as immovable as a statue. 

“Take this now then. I don’t want to carry it around.” the other one said and for a second the curiosity seemed to be greater than the fright. “Call me when you’re done. Me, Kangin and the other’s will skip the last class, so we’ll meet downtown. Got it?” 

Eunhyuk must have nodded because the other left without Eunhyuk saying anything else. Donghae felt nothing but relief when he heard the door open and close. But he still tensed when Eunhyuk opened the door to the cubicle. He closed it and locked it again. He wasn’t holding anything and since he wasn’t carrying a bag right now Donghae figured out that the object must have been something small enough to fit Eunhyuk’s pocket. But he didn’t ask about it since he knew Eunhyuk wouldn’t respond but just get angry. And he kind of already was being in deep water. 


All students had already left when both males left the restroom since they were the only ones not being in class.  Not even Eunhyuk’s friends or Ryeowook where there and when Donghae checked his cellphone he saw that Ryeowook had sent him a text message, apologizing for leaving. But even though they were the only students being outside the classroom they didn’t walk back together, since Eunhyuk would rather skip class completely than risking to be seen together. 

**


Since it was Friday night today Donghae expected it to be a peaceful night. Not a lot of the students spend the weekends at school, since Friday and Saturday where the only days when they didn’t have to follow the 10p.m rule.

Siwon was out with some friends and asked Donghae if he wanted to come. But since he already had made plans with Kibum he said now, and spent the evening in his room playing games with Kibum. Apparently Ryeowook was also downtown so the two of them were alone.

They goofed around completely; or mostly Donghae since Kibum still tried to act serious even though he had learned years ago that that was pretty impossible around Donghae. They were playing one of Ryeowook’s board games when Donghae without noticing pulled the collar of his shirt down a bit to scratch himself. Kibum immediately went silent. He reached forward and grabbed Donghae’s chin with his thumb and forefinger and turned his head to get a better view of Donghae’s neck. “What’s that?” he asked.

“Wh-what’s what? What?”

With his free hand Kibum pointed at Donghae’s neck. He brushed his free thumb over it, seeing if it was some kind of dirt, but when he realized it wasn’t his eyes darkened. “What is that?” he asked again.

Donghae removed Kibum’s hand from his chin. “I hurt myself.” he tried with and Kibum gave him a look that made him feel ridiculous.

“Who did that?” Kibum suddenly asked instead.

“No one.” 

“So you did it yourself?” Kibum asked and started raising his voice. “Stop treating me like I am a ing idiot and tell me who did that.” 

Donghae didn’t answer. A million of things ran through his mind of what he should respond but he didn’t dare lying or telling the truth.

“Are you seeing someone?” 

“No.”

Kibum chuckled, though it wasn’t a happy chuckle at all. “So you’re just ing around?”

“Don’t talk to me like that.”

The younger one gave him a disgusting look before raising himself and getting ready to leave but Donghae was fast enough to stop him, grabbing Kibum’s hand. He walked over to stand in front of him, between Kibum and the door. “Tell me who did it.” Kibum said again.

“I won’t.” 

Kibum harshly pulled his hand out of Donghae’s grip. He pushed the older since he was standing in his way; Donghae’s back hitting the wall hard. Before Donghae realized what had happened – Kibum had actually pushed him – the door slammed shut and Kibum was already gone.


Donghae tried calling after that happened but Kibum didn’t answer. He also went upstairs to their room but Ryeowook, who had already returned, told him Kibum suddenly had decided to stay home this weekend. Donghae didn’t know where Kibum lived, even though they had known each other for years, since all the times they had met had been in Mokpo. So he couldn’t go there. He didn’t ask Ryeowook anything about it either since he didn’t want to tell him what had happened and drag him into this. Instead he just nodded, telling him he would try calling him (even though he knew he wouldn’t because he already tried for hours) and left. 


Later when Siwon came back he reminded Donghae that he too would stay home this weekend, since Donghae apparent forgot Siwon telling him that. Donghae couldn’t help but feel a little sad over it since he already was used to living with someone. Also, he didn’t want to be reminded that he was one of the few students that weren’t able to go home during weekends. Maybe not even during holidays. But Siwon, getting a bad conscience, tried to cheer him up by reminding him that at least Ryeowook would stay in school during the weekend. It helped.  


When Siwon was about to leave Donghae decided to accompany him some street so he himself could take a walk. He also wanted to help Siwon carry some of his bags Siwon was carrying; bags that were full of old clothes Siwon wanted to leave in his old room. When going back alone he would try calling Kibum again and then after that he and Ryeowook had decided to meet in Ryeowook and Kibum’s room to watch a movie. And so they did.

Siwon and Donghae started walking pretty late though, since Siwon kept forgetting one and another thing and in the end they didn’t leave their room till around 10p.m. They walked the dark streets together, talking as they did so. Siwon told Donghae some childhood memories and Donghae told him about Mokpo. Even though they had shared a room for a while now they still had some new things to tell each other and they both listened to what the other had to say.

Donghae thought about telling him about his dad since he felt ready now but didn’t since he didn’t want to ruin the good mood. He decided to tell it another day. They had plenty of time. Around elven Siwon told Donghae to stop because they were already too far away from the school and it was already very late.

*

On Donghae’s floor almost all rooms where empty; some students where outside partying while others had decided to do as Siwon and Kibum and stay at home. But one room wasn’t empty; room 205. There, a worried baby face was trying to call his missing roommate that didn’t answer his phone. 

*

“God, I didn’t realize you walked this far with me. We’re practically right outside my house. You want me to walk back some streets with you?”

Donghae laughed and shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. Your bags are pretty heavy. You needed someone like me to help you with them.”

The taller one chuckled. “What, you think you’re stronger than me?”

“Don’t judge the book by its cover.” 

They both laughed together.

*

He was scared. His knees and hands were shaking and his heart was beating fast. He knew he would cry after this – he always did. He stared at the knife in his hand. Even though he already forgot how many times he had held it, it still gave him a unfamiliar feeling having a weapon in his hand, like it was the first time. It always had. 

*

“You sure you’re going to be okay?” Siwon asked again, for the second time.

Donghae laughed a little. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” he replied with.

“Go straight to the school. And call me when you get there.” Siwon called, as he was walking backwards, still facing Donghae.

“You’re starting to sound like my mom.” Donghae laughed and had to yell for Siwon to hear him. “I’ll call when I get to the dorm. Bye!” 

Siwon started jogging to the opposite direction while Donghae continued to walk in his slow pace. 

*

It wasn’t for the things – they all had more than enough money to buy almost whatever they wanted. What was the reason then? What could it possibly be about that it was worth doing something like this? Justshowing that they can do something like this? Is that it? Eunhyuk didn’t know. 

Maybe the reason was that they simply were seven immature, stupid boys – yes, boys, because neither of them where men yet – doing something bad. Maybe the reason wasn’t deeper than that. 

*

Donghae was still walking slowly, kicking one or two small stones as he did so. He had been walking way too long now, it was already past midnight, and he hated to admit that he had gotten lost. He pulled his phone up to call Ryeowook and tell him to not worry, he would be there as soon as he would find the right way back to the school. 

*

The alarm rang, telling them that they were not welcome, and he heard his friends yelling, screaming in panic like they always did whenever something went wrong and then he heard them run. He knew he also needed to run or else God knows what’s going to happen. But he didn’t want to run. Maybe if someone found him like this, paralyzed with a knife in his hand, he would be rescued. Maybe. He closed his eyes; it felt like he needed to swallow hard or else he would vomit out his heart. 

*

Donghae found some familiar streets and stores and almost jumped in joy. But then something else got his attention as he suddenly heard several footsteps, crashing into the asphalt as people were running with all their might towards Donghae’s direction. He raised his head and saw them; a group of same aged males running, all of them covering their faces with something; a mask, a cap or a hood. The group passed him in seconds, without giving him one singe look and further ahead Donghae saw a broken window leading into a expensive clothes shop. He winded his eyes and looked back at the group that were already so far away that he barely could see them anymore. Was that a burglary? 

*

He couldn’t hear the others anymore. They were probably far away by now, in a safe place. But then he decided that this couldn’t end like this. He needed to stay strong, for his own sake. He put his knife back in his pocket and pulled his doctor-like mask off that was covering his nose and mouth, to make it easier to breathe. He started running. He’ll work this out, sooner or later, but not by getting caught. He ran, with all his might; eyes closed and a lump in his throat. He didn’t want to see or hear anything and he just kept running – holding the forbidden tears in.

*

Donghae was still looking at the direction where they guys had disappeared. He didn’t know what to do. Should he call someone? Scream? He picked his phone up with shaking hands, realizing that something must be done. He didn’t hear the last person running toward his direction and the person was too lost in his own mind to realize Donghae standing alone in the darkness – until it was too late. 

The guy crashed into Donghae as soon as Donghae registered that he wasn’t alone and turned around. They both fell, the other one covering his forehead in pain and Donghae getting nosebleed and teary eyes because of the crash. He panicked, one hand covering his nose, when realizing that this guy was a member of the group running away and the other guy panicked when realizing that someone had seen him. He was about to put his mask, that was now only covering his chin, back on but he froze – movements, breathing, heartbeat, everything. Donghae looked up and thought that his eyes must be deceiving him. He opened his mouth and had to force the words out.

“H-Hyukjae?”

Posted on: 30th January, 2012. Monday.