Chansung’s POV

I sat on my mother’s dinner table with a cup of freshly brewed black tea and a plate of scones with jam and clotted cream that I couldn’t seem to enjoy no matter how good I know they are.  I could barely think straight on the best of days and today wasn’t a good day.  There were too many memories in this house with everything screaming her image in my mind.  How many times have we stayed here together?  She was lurking around every corner, she is everywhere or at least in my mind and it just makes me burn from the inside out.  I have been missing her in a way I couldn’t explain…although even in the past, I still missed her even when she was just by my side.

“You know, you should visit her.  I heard she had a really tough time.”  My mother’s words barely penetrated the thick cloud that surrounded my brain.  I wasn’t due home yet, coming back was a thought that never crossed my mind, but had to fly back upon the insistence of my mother that I spend her birthday with her physically and not just through Skype.

“Huh?”  I heard my mother just fine, but I couldn’t help but want to hear more about her and how she is or even just the mere mention of her name.

“The pregnancy has been a little difficult for that poor girl.”  My mother sounded kind of sad about that fact, but knows there isn’t really much she could do.  “It’s a terrible thing to go through.  I should know, I had a horrible few months carrying you in me as well.”  She the back of my hand that rested on the table as she looked into my eyes.  “You should visit her before you disappear again.”  Her gentle voice reached my ears.

I ran my hand through my hair and avoided my mother’s stare.  “She…she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.  If she sees me, she’ll feel a lot worse than she already does.  Besides, it’s just not me she needs right now…or ever.”  I whisper the last few words.

“You know that’s not true.”  My mother voiced out as I stood up to kiss her on the top of her head before I take my leave.  Now I remember why I left and couldn’t bring myself to come back to this place.  My heart lurched in my chest the moment the plane landed and I knew I’m getting closer to home.

I honestly felt like I was going to be sick.  She was hunting me and I could feel an ache throb behind my eyes.  I could see the rain slice through the windows outside my house and I thought maybe I needed to be out in that rain, get soaked and wash her out of my system…if that was even possible.  I need to get out and wish the heavens that this day ends and tomorrow I’ll be flying back to my new place away from here, away from her, away from them.  “I hope you’re leaving to see her.”  My mother’s voice echoed before I closed the door behind me.

Hidden under the umbrella, I strolled down the street of my old neighborhood.  I didn’t want to have to meet anyone, I just wanted a quiet walk.  I could feel myself relax under the sound the drops of rain was making against my umbrella.

I was halfway down the block when I saw them standing inside the old coffee shop that we used to go to.  I recognized her in an instant from the way she stood and the sound of her laughter that was carried by the air to where I was.  She was glowing, like she has lightened up as something in her eyes danced and twinkled while she talked.  And here I thought my mother said she was suffering, but from where I was standing, she looked more dazzling than ever before.

My heart began to turn over with the realization dawning over me that she was really there, a few steps away from where I am.  She has gotten into my head, in my heart and in my soul and I know that there was absolutely no way of getting her out…but to see her there…it was like breaking my heart all over again.

It almost slipped my eyes, but Taecyeon stood beside her, smiling with his hand on her belly and it was only then that I noticed that she was indeed very pregnant.  I knew about it, but seeing is a whole lot different from just knowing.  I thought about turning around and walking back the way I had come.  The sight of them together was wringing my heart.  I don’t think I would like that kind of self-torture right now.  “I think I’ll pass.”  I thought to myself.  But before I could move away and turn to escape the pain, her soulful eyes caught mine and I saw her face change as she looked my way.  The smile was lost as if it had been slapped away.  And I watched as her fingers wrap into Taecyeon’s shirt and give it a hard tug.  His smile disappears as well just as quickly, but his eyes never left her.  I could only imagine Taecyeon thinking she was going into labor.  I saw her lips delicately form around my name and Taecyeon’s head jerked up as she indicated where I was.

There was no going back now.  I took one deep breath after another and my hand tightened on my umbrella as I put one foot in front of the other.  I was getting closer and closer to the source of my distress.  “I’m going to kill myself…slowly...painfully.”  I told myself in my head as I go forward.

“Chan.”  One syllable...four letters that was spoken past her lips, I never thought it had so much power in it that it felt like a punch to the chest until now.  How can she say my name so willfully?  Her voice was making me remember how much I love her and how much I loathe them for being happy together.  How is it possible that up to this point you’re still the one I love?  Why do I still feel this way, when it’s clear and right in front of me, that I could never have her, I never could, I never will.

I quickly swallowed a lump in my throat as I forced a smile on my face.  “Hi!”  Against my better judgement, I found myself stepping inside the coffee house and leaving my umbrella by the door.

Surprise pushed me back against the glass wall as she puts her arms around me and hugged me tightly.  “You’re here.”  I could sense happiness in her voice.  “How have you been?”  I caught a glimpse of Taecyeon who clenched his jaw momentarily and it felt good I must admit.  But it all faded as he ran his hand over her back and his smile returns and I could see his wedding band clearly, like a right-in-my-face proof that she is his.

“Good.”  My voice cracked a bit.  “Came for mom’s birthday.”  I said as she pulled away from my embrace that I wished so hard could last longer, just a little longer.  My eyes fell inadvertently to her belly and I felt myself smiling widely.  “Wow!  Look at you!  What did you eat?”

Her smile was back and it was absolutely brilliant.  She is still beautiful beyond beautiful and it was making my heart race like nothing happened, like no time at all has passed and things have not changed between us.  Her smile could still bring me back to when I first saw her, fell in love with her and wanted her to be mine.  She placed her hand to the swell of her stomach and sighed happily while Taecyeon stood proudly by her side.  “A baby.  I swallowed a baby whole and this happened.”  Her smile was still my most favorite thing in this world.  Suddenly, I found I couldn’t be so unhappy when I saw her so happy…so alive.  And I began to wonder, if I ever did make you feel that way once when we were together.

“So when are you guys expecting to have the baby?”  I asked looking between the two of them.

“Due any day now.”  Taecyeon said looking slightly uncomfortable.  I remembered a time when we had been good friends.  We’re still bound by blood being cousins and all, but the idea of loving the same woman in front of us was enough to put a bit of a damper on our relationship as cousins and as friends.  I suppose it’s not unfixable, but it might take a while and a lot of effort.

“We’re having a girl.”  Her grin widened and Taecyeon looked beside himself with pride.

“A girl!”  I said feeling my eyebrows jut up.  “Well, let’s all hope she looks just like you without your stubbornness and mischief.”

She laughed loudly, the sound turning my blood to gold.  “So…my looks minus my personality?  What are you insinuating?  You know I can still take you down despite my pregnancy.”

“I guess for a girl that’s a better option.”  Taecyeon said.  “Imagine a little girl that looks just like me and with your personality.”

“A girl huh?”  A sigh escaped past my lips unintentionally and I felt my fingers twitch.  I unknowingly lifted my palm and held it out in front of her.  “May I?”

She flicked her eyes towards Taecyeon’s as if asking for his permission.  Maybe I was fooling myself, but it seemed to me as if she wanted me to touch her.  I was taken aback when Taecyeon shrugged and smiled.  She then wrapped her fingers around my hand and pulled my palm to her swollen stomach.

At that time, I could feel her warmth beneath my hand and I felt a momentary twinge for the past.  I wished…just for an instant…just for that one moment…that I was feeling my own baby kicking in her womb.  That I was the man wearing that gold band on my finger and that I was the one standing beside her looking all proud and mighty…that I was the one she had chosen…and not him.

I felt a foot pressed against my hand or at least I thought that is what it was and it thumped a few times for me to feel.  “Have you picked out a name yet?”

“Calila.”  She grinned and looked at his husband.

“Beautiful.”  I said looking into her eyes.  She smiled at me in that way that you smile at a cousin or a brother and I took that as my cue.  “I bet she’ll be just like you.”

Their order came with the server shouting her name at the claim station.  Taecyeon then gave me a long look before he held out his hand in front of me.  I took it and found myself drawn into a one armed embrace.

“Take care of her, hyung.”  I muttered before we broke apart.

We parted ways and I went back out into the rain that was beginning to turn into a storm.  Unexpectedly, I found my heart was wondrously lighter than it had been when I came back home.  Perhaps this chance meeting was exactly what I needed.  Yes it was difficult, it was painful like I had ripped open my own chest and poured salt all over it.  But I saw her so happy and right then, that’s all I had to know to let her go.

I left the day after and she had given birth four days later.  Taecyeon sent me a picture of Calila that very day with a caption, “Uncle Chansung, I’m Calila.  I would love it if we get to meet soon.”  I took a long look at the picture and I was right, she was as beautiful as her mother and probably would be as stubborn too.

I have seen it in her eyes that day we met in the rain.  She might have had good times with me when we were together, but I saw how happy she was with Taecyeon, I guess all that time I just didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that she was always waiting for him to come back and he was always waiting for a chance to come home to her.  I could never have been everything she needed, no matter how hard I could have tried.  If she chose me, she’ll be unhappy and I would be too.  And I finally understood it.

I know I was a better version of myself with her.  Yes, I might have done a lot of awful things just to have her, to keep her by my side for as long as I possibly could, but I wanted to become a better man just for her and I thank her for finding the best part of myself and having me live it with her.  And I know I could be that man again.  Because that day, I saw it in her eyes, she did love me…loves me still…though not in the way I wanted her to, but that was enough for me to get on with life.

I could only hope that one day I’d find that someone who could make me feel like she had.  And I hope I find you soon.