Nothing in his life can seem to compare to this, being able to be with you, alone in silence.  Keeping his eyes in front and yet seeing nothing at all.  Just knowing you are by each other’s side satisfies.  You sit together on the grass under a huge tree taking advantage of the shadow it provides.  The sun glared brightly, coating the entire park in a harsh daze that made it a little hard to see.  There was no cloud in sight, but the gentle cold breeze that blew seems to balance the warmth with the cold.

It has been such a long time.  It felt like ages ago when you last sat together side by side.  On days like these you would speak to each other in smiles, laughs and hushed words about what had happened the days, weeks, months and even years that have passed.  And yet the words did not flow like it used to, the laughter did not pour out like it once did.  Somehow everything has changed between you two.  On the inside, you both hurt for each other.

Chansung’s eyes lingered on you, a little longer than usual before he started to speak.  “So, I heard you lashed out at the elders.”  The grin on his face was wide.  He had the look that said, you have finally lost your mind and he’s quite happy about it.

“Did you know grandpa wasn’t sick?”  A knot formed in your stomach as you asked with a squint.  It was a stupid question considering, but you just had to make sure he was not one of them.  It was uncovering a huge conspiracy.

His jaw dropped a bit.  “Do you think if I knew you’d be married right now?”  His eyebrow raised at you with an ‘I can’t believe you are asking me this’ expression.

You shrugged and looked up front at two men throwing a Frisbee back and forth a few distance away.  You have to admit, that was a valid point he gave.  “Well, I did lose my head the other day.  I was shouting and getting mad at everyone, I think I even cried.  I was all angry that I was played and lied to for almost a year.  How can they be so manipulative?  I mean, who does things like that?  Can you believe it?  Our families are pure evil!”  You kept murmuring a string of profanities to yourself acting like a complete psycho as Chansung continued to stare at you with a hint of a grin on his face.

Chansung in a breath.  “So how did it end?”

“Well, I got shot down with a ‘but are you happy?’ question.”  You stretched your legs and touched the green grass with a smile.

He lifted his shaky hand to touch yours on the green as he swallowed a lump on his throat.  “Are you?”  Chansung dared to ask even though he already knew what your answer would be.

“I actually am.  Surprisingly.”  You smiled as you turned to face him.  Your comment had been greeted with silence.  His hand still on yours, but his gaze averted.  The emotions on his face flashed before your eyes like an open grave.  It was like he was in pain and you gave it to him.

There has been so much Chansung wanted to say, so much he wanted to do.  Like run his fingers through your hair again and stare into your eyes and just get lost in them all over again.  He had known only one love and his biggest regret was that he never acted on it sooner.  Now is just too late.  You’re someone else’s and you’re happy where you are right now.

“So…I heard you were leaving.”  You said almost painfully.

“My mother?”  A puzzled expression colored his face as a slight irritation swept over him.  It was like you knew something you were not supposed to know.  He obviously did not want you to know about it.

“Yes.  She told me everything.  You can’t really expect your mother to keep anything to herself, can you?”  You felt your muscle tighten as anger started to rile up inside you.  He never once kept a secret from you…and now this.  “Is this the part where you tell me or were you planning on telling me the last minute before boarding the plane?  Or perhaps do you intend on not telling me at all and leave like the idiot that you are.”  Your voice came out a little higher than expected.

“I was going to tell you.”  He shot you with a warm smile.  “I just can’t find the right timing.”

“Then tell me.  No.  Don’t tell me.  Just…”  Your heart sank right away as the thought of Chansung leaving flooded your brain.  You could almost feel your breath shortening and your chest tightening.  “Don’t go.”  Your voice cracked a little as your eyes landed on his.

“I can’t.”  Chansung struggled with the words, his eyelids tightening shut as if all the air had been knocked out from him.

You could not continue to look at his eyes, so you lowered your gaze to the grass that you started to pluck from the ground.  “Why are you even leaving?”  You sounded a little wounded.

“I wanted to study again.  Maybe get a master’s degree or a doctorate even.  I mean who knows, there’s a lot out there for me.”

“There are a pretty good number of excellent schools out here.”  You frowned.  “You don’t need to go thousands of miles just for that.”

“I wanted to do some travelling too.”  Chansung coughed out.

“Then take 10 days to do that.  You’ll cover everything you’ll need to cover in 10 days.  Everyone goes to travel for 10 days.  Beyond that it’ll just be boring.”  You said with blunt intensity.

Chansung turned to you, tucking a stray lock of hair behind your ear.  “If I stay here, I will keep on wanting something I can never have.  And it hurts to do that.”

“Then don’t.  Just stop.”  You shook your head, relishing his soft touch against your skin.  “I don’t want to lose my best friend.”

You could feel the ground beneath you crumbling as Chansung started to break down.  Tears bubbled up in his eyes as he tried to speak.  “You’re not losing me.  I’m just going to fix myself.”

“What’s there to fix?  You look fine to me.”  You cried, tears sliding down your cheeks.

“I still want you for me.”  Chansung’s voice was strained.  “And that’s not right.  I can’t want you because you’re already someone else’s wife and you want to remain his wife.”  He closed his eyes and you could see his chest heave up with a slow steady breath.  “I did you and Taecyeon wrong.  I kept you two apart because I’m selfish enough to want to keep you for myself.  I still want to do that.”

A chill crawled down your spine as you met his intense stare.  Chansung’s huge eyes fixated on yours as if he was trying to search in an endless well for something so small.

“Chansung…”

“I need to be away from you.”  He held your face in his hands to wipe your tears away.  “I need that so I wouldn’t end up hurting you and so I wouldn’t hurt myself anymore too.  You understand that, right?”

“I’m going to miss you.”  You smiled to reassure him and you held your arms out to offer him a hug.  “Does this mean you will never see me again?”  You whispered in his arms as your eyes prickled with tears at goodbye.

He pulled away with a smile as he watched your face relax.  “Do you think I’ll be in love with you forever for me not to see you ever again?”  He laughed teasingly.  “I might meet a super hot chick over there within less than a month and fall madly in love with her and then I’ll be like ‘who are you?’ when I see you.”

You punched him lightly on the shoulder as you started to chuckle and wipe your own tears away.  “Yeah, do that.  Do that.  But just remember to come back home.”

Silence dawned on you and the only noise that filled your ears were the sound of your heart beating and the sobs that you shared with him.  You sat together side by side and yet it felt like you were already far apart.  Saying goodbye has to be one of the hardest, saddest, most heartbreaking things to do ever.  And you wished so hard for it to rain.  You wish the sun wouldn’t shine so bright.  On days like this, you wished the heaven would just pour down.