Dear Jiyong, 

Yes I’m surprised and yes love letters are not your thing that’s why I appreciate it so much. Sohee is going back to Korea a day after tomorrow and she will be bringing baby Minho back. After a week Bommie will go here and bring the three kids. I believe your solo concert will start at the end of the month and I’m guessing you will be busier than usual so I think the kids would be better to stay with me for awhile. 

Don’t worry I’m not hiding the kids from you. I won’t do that to you and you know that’s now how I am. This is just for the mean time until you get settled in with your concert schedules. 

I miss you too. I miss the old us. Upon reading your letter I wanted to go home right away and wrap you in my arms. But we both know it’s too soon. I miss the days when we were happy. Happy as in happy not happy pretending to be happy, back when we didn’t keep secrets, when it wasn’t complicated. 

Do you know that I still cry even after a month? Every time I wake up and I don’t see or feel beside you is breaking my heart. Before going to sleep I cry too wishing you’d be beside me and ask me how stressful my day was. I kept going back to that day when you begged me to stay and quit work. Why did I even choose work? 

I love you so much Jiyong. You are my world, you and our kids. I loved you so much that it came to a point that I kept mum about Kiko. I was so scared of losing you that I let you scare me too much. It just came to a point where I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t believe you anymore, that I don’t trust you anymore. I’m always lost in my thoughts. I cry alone, and the worse part is I want you to hold me in your arms and tell me everything will be fine even if it’s you that’s causing me this pain. 

I want to start a new beginning Jiyong, but how? When I haven’t gotten over the past yet? I want to start all over again, but how? When I can’t give you my trust yet? I want to come back home but how? When I feel lost myself? Every time I think about seeing you makes me nervous all over again. Scared that we just might end fighting again. I want to be beside you when you wake up but how? When all I can think about are if there are still things that you are not completely telling me? 

I know in time we can fix this right now. When I’ve accepted the past and learn not to look back in the past. The weird thing is, though you are the reason why I feel wretched yo are also the only person I want to be beside me right now and hug me to say that it will be ok. 

Believe me, I want to stop crying babe. I want to stop hurting. I want to keep moving forward, I am trying. But there are some things we cannot force if we want it to work out. Do you know what I’m feeling right now? I want so badly to feel your arms wrapped around me, but just the thought of seeing you brings back all the pain. That’s when I knew that I’m still not over it. 

I’m sorry sweetheart, I wish I could say that I’m fine. I wish I could lie. But I’m through with lying because it would only make everything worse. I kept thinking of ways on how to forget the past right away so I can come home to you but it doesn’t work that way. I still feel jealous, I still doubt if you’re being completely honest. I know it’s wrong but I’m trying to fix it. 

I think about you all time babe. You’re still the first thing on my mind when I wake up