My brain is like a sloshing cask of wine, drunk on it's own guts, absorbing it's way into it's used skin. It's as if I can't take much more, and I don't even know what hurts more. The feeling of being absolutely sick or the heartache that forces it's way throughout my body. Maybe thats why my head aches so, it's trying to take my thoughts away from my broken heart. There is no one to blame but me. It was my own decision to let you go.

I can feel it, the words I said I surely didn't mean. I just wanted her to find something better than me, hours on end I couldn't let my now sweaty back leave the door of our apartment.

No.

Her apartment.

I left her only moments ago and I can't stop listening to her cries for me and I don't even have the tenacity to push open the door and pull her in my arms.

I'm a coward. A sick sadistic coward.

Soon I hear glass and the China we bought together 2 years ago hit the floor. Her screams emanating throughout my head. Blaming herself, tearing her body apart, my body replies back in tears. Only tears.

I love you, you stupid girl.

Soon the floor seems to be hugging me and I can't get up, is this what happens after an earthquake of sorts?

I can only feel the darkness surround me as I grip onto the carpet. I fall deeper into its embrace and forfeit all my efforts to push away.

Slowly, I raise my head back hitting the door and feel a strong grip around my waist.

“You made a decision Jessica, you made it to prove for a better life for her. This is the way it was meant to be.”

The voices screamed in my head, even hearing my best friend say such sinful words. Am I the one committing the sin or are you the one who is, stopping me from loving the only person that matters to me.

I’m so proud of you Jessica, you finally came out of this “phase”.

Phase?! phases. You think my life is supposed to be one straight ride, no one has a straight ride. There will always be ups and downs.

Do I need to bring up graphing in physics to prove my point? How each graph determines the next, how each moment of your life, taking a curve causes the next thing to fall in line. Everything lines up! It has to because if it doesn't it's incorrect.

My point is, Hyoyeon had a purpose in my life, and I plan on seeing her in the future. I don't plan on removing her from my life all at once.

“JESSICA!!!”

That voice is so familiar but I cannot let go of darkness’ grip around my neck, it's constant fingers shoving down my throat to shut me up. To not give up that the girl behind the white door might quite possibly be the only one I can ever love.

“JESSICA GOD DAMN IT!”

I lift my eyes to see myself in an apartment held by Tiffany, I finally came out of its grip but I want to go back under.

please let me go back under.

please let me drown.

let me drown in my own tears.

A groan escapes my lips as I feel the soreness of my body as her face becomes clearer.

“What have you done?”

Her words hurt more than the gashes slicing through my heart, it was as if she poured a great deal amount of alcohol into the festering wound before stepping on it to deny it's purpose.

I allowed my eyes flow down my arms to see the wounds in my heart appear across my once clean, white arms.

am i finally crazy?

“WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF JESS?!”

i guess i'm not crazy.

one ring.. two rings.. does this girl expect me to be the one to answer?

one ring too long...

“Jessi she is gone”

“My love, you’ve hurt me at it's greatest in it's last turn. I told you everything has it's consequence”

Were those the words you meant to say to me? You were always so selfless and I understand things have it consequence because here I see myself being engulfed once again but I won't reject the darkness this time. I know there is light on the other side and I want to see you, I want my love out of all this hate and evil in this world. I want there to be an us. I wanted Tiffany to say that I am gone not you, I want that you will never suffer anymore.

I’m gone, not from you but from this world. I’ll see you in the sky my love. I will never be happy without you.

Sorry for the super short update, I had to rant as well.

I love you guys and I hope I can finally put up my second chapter of Yoontae. 

That needs a lot of explaining. Also this chapter should be abrupt and awkward.

I just needed my ideas down on paper.

-Kai

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