Dear Myungsoo,

Even today I mistake shadows in the garden as you. Beside the elm, below the birches, where the shadows fall – I imagine you there, leaning against the trunk, waiting for me to come home from night duty.

And then, I can almost see me, walking down the driveway towards you, tired but wearing a thin smile. And then you wrap your arms around me, shut my protests of ‘I’m tired’ with a passionate kiss. For you, there was no time and place, and you didn’t mind that a passerby would stare at us or the neighborhood kid would gawk at us form his little window.

I was afraid of Mrs. Choi seeing us like that, she’d shake her head disapprovingly and glare sternly while you smiled sweetly in her face and tried to hide my shaking knees.

You teased me, saying I was a coward; I laughed it off.

Who is the coward really? Who ran away?

Remember how you used to say I’m fragile and prone to breaking? And you promised to protect me, be the metal casing around me, along with the foam to cushion my brittle self. I used to laugh.

But I’m not so sure anymore.

You really did keep your word – you protected me from all those dark hours, the sunrises that bled and the storms that would’ve torn me apart. And when you left, you also protected me from all other pain, because while feeling for you, I was immune to all other pain.

So you did keep your promise.

And that’s what confuses me. That’s what rattles my brain. Makes me reconsider.

Myungsoo, after all this time, do you still love me?

PS: This time, I would like an honest answer.

With love,

Sungjong