Dear Myungsoo,

Some things never get old, like fake promises, lost tears, and broken hearts. Or the crush of the tires of your car in the driveway.

I can pretend I haven’t seen you, but you wouldn’t let me, will you? No, you’re the same way you were before. How you had to have my full attention while you were talking, how you hated when I multitasked, how you lectured me not to check my phone when your lips were drawing petals in the crook of my neck,  or how you complained that I didn’t sound needy enough when I said I love you.

For you, it always had to be all in. For you, it always had to be all the way through and nothing left hanging.

So I knew that when you looked all calm and thoughtful, listening to me raising my voice at you, you’d have accepted it if I apologized, if I just pressed my lips onto yours and held you down in my embrace, your face softly. If that day, that night, I had told you that I didn’t mean any of the terrible things I had said, you’d have believed me. I just had to take one step, tell one truth.

But I chose to do nothing, because there was still a bit of pride left in me that you didn’t squash, a hesitation that had almost but washed away.

Maybe I had just wanted to test the waters, see how we sailed, how far we could sail without drowning. I know you’d have thought it was stupid, and maybe it was. Sometimes, even I don’t get myself and that’s when I start making up excuses. Excuses that only hurt you.

Perhaps I had pushed you away so that you could pull me in harder, tighter, like you’d always done. You don’t believe I really wanted you gone, do you?

Actually, I never believed you could stay away. Looks like I was wrong.

PS: Or was I?

With love,

Sungjong