Dear Myungsoo,

Our lives were fast paced. I was out saving lives, and you…you were there to save mine.

I know that being a doctor is a great job because you get to save lives, make a difference. But what I hadn’t reckoned was that I would lose as many as I would save. I hadn’t signed up for the tears, the sufferings, the cries of loved ones, the questions that I could never answer. I didn’t know that despite my best efforts, I would watch some people breathe their last breaths.

And the nightmares…I hadn’t signed up for the nightmares. But then I had you – you would hold me tight, let me curl up next to you and cry my heart out. You would hold me so tightly that I would feel secure again, whole again. Every time I lost a patient, a part of my soul died but you…you brought me back to life again.

It’s not your fault – you would whisper to me. You’ll save the next one. They need you, Sungjong; if not you, then who? You’re the reason I walked out of the house every morning, determined to make a difference. You’re the reason saving lives didn’t kill me.

Did I say you are the reason? I meant you were…because you’re not here anymore and the memories of your whispers are not enough to heal me. So now, a part of me always dies with the patient. How long can I keep this up?

I was injured when you left. Our love rolled into bluntness. The blunt lead blurred the lines, made the words illegible. It increased the space between us, made the distance thicker.

Maybe if I had tried to sharpen it, it would have been better. But no, if it was sharpened, it would have probably come back to stab me in the heart. So I just let the lead break. We could have made meaning out of it but a broken lead is just that – broken.

If love was a pencil, we had pretty much drawn the line there.

But what line can a broken tip draw?

PS: Did you think you were making a difference, saving me? I just want you to know that it made a world of difference for me.

With love,

Sungjong