HAPPY 4th ANNIVERSARY TEEN TOP!!!!!! I LOVE YOU

Chapter 37

It wasn’t even late when Niel gets back home. C.A.P was playing game son his tablet while Ricky napped lightly beside him. It was shallow and the visual maknae remained still lucid and aware of the goings on around him. One could say he was resting his eyes and was merely too lazy to open them when he heard Niel come in or even to greet when the slightly older boy plopped down on the floor beside his boyfriend.

“I’m so tired,” Niel’s voice came out as a whine but C.A.P didn’t seem intent to offer comfort.

“We need to talk,” came out of his mouth instead.

Ricky was surprised. He didn’t expect it to come out so soon. He thought C.A.P would let things marinate in his mind a bit. The leader was not known for his spontaneous bouts of eloquence after all. There was a following silence and Ricky’s mind began to wake up from the anticipation. Niel didn’t speak but Ricky could feel his movement from where he reclined on the couch. Niel must have looked at him though because C.A.P speaks again.

“We can talk in front of Ricky. It’d be good to have a mediator.”

“He’s sleeping,” Niel attempted to protest.

“He’s not.”

To prove his point, C.A.P swatted Ricky’s and the boy started with a yowl.

“Told you,” C.A.P said.

Ricky rubbed at his bottom and sat up properly.

“Hyung,” Niel began full of unvoiced hesitation.

“He can hear everything since he already knows it all. I know more than you think I do too. You trust him right? Although you cannot trust me?”

“That’s—“ Niel’s face expressed utter betrayal as he turned toward Ricky.

“He didn’t tell me anything. I just know,” C.A.P said, coming to Ricky’s defense. “I just didn’t want to say it out loud. Not until now.”

“Don’t do this please, Hyung! Please!” Niel was suddenly frantic as he turned, clutching at Ricky’s thighs. “Make him stop!”

“You’re cheating on me with Minwoo.”

Niel let out a noise but it was muffled as he buried his face in Ricky’s lap. He stayed that way for a bit. Not one of the three of them moved as the seconds passed by. Ricky perched on the couch Niel seated with legs folded on the floor in front of him, head buried in the youngest one’s lap, and C.A.P beside him with the tablet, screen going dark from disuse, resting on his knees. They didn’t talk but waited for Niel. He was not crying though his breathing felt erratic. He was trying to collect himself. Ricky had no doubt Niel knew the day would come eventually but he’d yet to gather the energy to face it.

Finally Niel lifted his head. He had a bright red spot on his cheek where he pressed against the seam of Ricky’s jeans too tightly. His nostrils flared a bit with each breathe but when he spoke his voice was even.

“It’s true.”

C.A.P didn’t react one way or the other to the confession. It was something he already knew. Ricky felt even if it weren’t true C.A.P could at that point not believe anything otherwise.

“Why?”

“Because he loves me.”

“Don’t you know I love you too?”

Niel nodded and moved, wrapping his arms tight around Ricky’s leg. He was speaking to C.A.P but all of his physical interactions went towards the cute member.

“I do. But I love you too much it’s scary, I don’t love him so I feel like I have nothing to lose.”

“You could lose me,” C.A.P returned quickly and Niel grimaced.

“You… you won’t. You promised.” He sounded so wounded.

“So you finally believe that?”

“I want to. But you still don’t know everything that Minwoo does. I get so scared because I like you so much but your affection for me is all based on some misunderstanding!”

“Misunderstanding? How could you think I’ve misunderstood my own feelings for you?” C.A.P looked angry but also deeply hurt by that accusation as much as being cheated on.

Ricky thought and turned over the situation in his mind as the two spoke. Niel liked C.A.P for a long time even when with Dongwook and Minwoo. But he was under the impression C.A.P only started really liking him later after Niel became some sort of victim. That was why he felt C.A.P didn’t really like the real him.

TO Niel, C.A.P saw him as an innocent boy who was taken advantage of and even. To Niel, he saw himself as the instigator, the seducer, the tempter. That was his sin. Even their first time together was because of Niel. Niel lured C.A.P into bed and C.A.P felt he had violated Niel(‘s, as he imagined, nonexistent innocence and even took to hiding from him. This image, the false Niel, was the illusion Niel didn’t want to destroy. He didn’t want C.A.P to stop loving him even if it were just an ideal of himself being adored.

But Ricky knew that the illusion had to break. It had to be shattered. All walls in the secret rooms of Niel’s heart had to be torn down.

Finally Ricky spoke, “Tell him.”

Niel looked up at Ricky, “What?”

“You have to let go of everything in order to move on.”

“Tell me what?”

Niel looked at C.A.P but didn’t speak.

“Hyung,” Ricky patted Niel’s shoulder.

“Ok,” the vocalist sighed. “I’ll tell you. But you have to promise not to interrupt me. I’m sure you’ll have either a lot of questions or maybe non. Maybe you won’t even think you know me anymore but I owe it to you after all the hell I put you through to know.”

C.A.P looked confused but he nodded his consent and with a deep breathe Niel began. He started to tell the tale he’d told Ricky to the man he loved.

As he spoke it was as if he were recalling images of a time long gone and of a place one of them even knew or could even go. He spoke of Dongwoo and Minwoo, MNET and his long cursh on his leader, and his seduction of others around him. He spoke of the aftermath too, and of things he didn7t even tell Ricky, of his fears and his guilt, his paranoia.

He couldn’t imagine being with C.A.P unless it was hurting him. It was penance for his sins and the pain was a measure of the reality. When he felt pain it was real, when he didn’t it must be a dream. He was too scared to wake up so he tormented them both. He was no innocent. Far from it. He was scheming and hurtful not just of himself but loved ones too. He knew Minwoo loved him and he tortured him for it. He doubted C.A.P and tortured him as well. He tortured himself right alongside them.

“I know I’m ed up. I don’t know why. I don’t know what made me behave the way I did or why I just had to throw myself to everything and everyone but I do what to change I do! Now I do!”

“Why now?” C.A.P asked, and it was all he said through the whole ordeal.

“Because I’m tired of not believe you and I’m tired of pain,” Niel said. “I spoke to Changhyun and received clarity. I talked to you and received even more. I’m finally doing something about it on my own!”

“What’s that?”

Niel reached to the side, pulling his bag near and taking out a folder. He retrieved the crumpled aper inside and handed it to C.A.P. It was a receipt.

“Bukchon Family Psychiatric Center,” C.A.P read.

Niel nodded, “I decided I don’t want to keep hurting you and this was the help I knew I could get. Even if you dump me after everything you know now I think this is for the best… just for my life in general.”

C.A.P put down the receipt and Niel reached over to take it back. As he did so C.A.P however reached out and grabbed his wrist and didn’t let go.

“I’m sorry,” C.A.P said.

“W,why are you—“

“Because… because,” C.A.P shifted his eyes to Ricky but then sighed, resigning to turning back to Niel and just speaking, damned the consequence. “Because… for hitting you and hurting you.”

Ricky’s eyes widened. He was confused and wondering if he had misheard the odd confession.

“I deserve it! Don’t apologize!”

“Nobody deserves to be beat no matter what they do. Even I know that. I should never lay my hands on you that way.”

Niel pulled his wrist back and hugged himself and Ricky called to mind the bruises that had been on his torso weeks prior.

“But I like it when you… when you…” Niel’s hands were on his throat as he hunched forward.

C.A.P quickly grabbed Niel’s shoulders causing the other to flinch as he was shook.

“No you don’t! It’s exactly what you said! You used the pain to make sure I’m here. Well look! Look! I’m here! I’m here and I’m not leaving!”

He let go and grabbed the receipt again.

“I’ll go too. I’ll see someone as well when I have time. I’m not perfect either you know.”

Niel didn’t speak. He merely nodded and C.A.P moved forward to pull him into a hug, first threading his fingers through Niel’s light colored hair. Ricky didn7t miss the way Niel’s body automatically flinched, bracing itself at the feel of those fingers as if trained to expect his hair to be pulled. Ricky’s stomach tightened at the thought. What was he doing? Was this even right? He wasn’t sue if this was a relationship he was supposed to be fighting for.

The couple hugged for a few second before the broke apart and turned to Ricky at the same time, light, tired smiles on their faces.

“Thanks Changhyun,” Niel said. “I can’t believe how much you’ve helped us.”

----

Ricky later found Changjo working out in his room and he didn’t even care about the risk of the 10kg dumbbell falling and breaking his toes as he launched himself at the taller yet younger male. Thankfully, Changjo had a decent grip and he set down the light pink weight before swinging Ricky around and settling them both down on the bed.

Changjo only had to take one look to know something was very wrong and he Ricky’s head softly.

“Changhyunnie,” he cooed. “What’s wrong?”

“This world is so sad and I can’t take it!” icky exclaimed and threw his arms around Changjo again, burying his face in his neck. “It’s so horrible!”

“What?”

“Eveyything and everyone!”

“Tell me.”

“I don7t know if I can or if I should.”

Ricky let go and Changjo frowned.

“More secrets?”

Ricky shook his head, “No. I’d never keep a secret from you! Not one of my own at least.”

And Changjo just had to take one look at Ricky to know that he believed him. What he didn’t know was why Ricky was in the state he was.

The boy had learned the lesson of secrets without having to go through it himself. Just seeing C.A.P and Niel was heart wrenching and he needed Changjo right then to ground him and remind him that indeed love could and should be something beautiful. He leaned up and kissed him heatedly and desperately, letting his hands greedily pull the younger boy’s face closer to him. Changjo didn’t protest. He responded with a kiss just as greedy and lapped at the inside of Ricky’s mouth with the intent of someone who had been waiting for it all along.

Ricky moaned happy when Changjo situated them on the bed for better ease of kissing but eventually they parted to catch their breaths. Only a few seconds were needed though before they were at it again. This time Changjo’s hands began to explore, pushing beneath Ricky’s shirt to toy with his sensitive skin. It felt more than just good. It felt beautiful and Ricky knew he couldn’t defile his relationship and let someone else touch him that way. He just absolutely couldn’t.

They parted again this time and Changjo moved to the side, propping himself up on a pillow and brushing some of Ricky’s stray hairs back with a free hand.

“I’m so happy I have you. I like you so much and I know you like me and we’re happy. I just want to be like this forever,” Ricky mused.

“Well we can be but fights do happen sometimes. It’s natural,” Changjo replied good naturedly.

Ricky nodded, “I know but let’s resolve our fights as quickly as possible.”

“Sure,” Changjo nodded and they sealed it with a kiss.

Ricky had a story to tell Changjo but he wasn’t sure if it was the right time or not. But he knew that the tale, being a part of it in the strange way that he was, changed him. It altered his view of the world and probably would continue to do so. In the next coming weeks, months and even years he would keep seeing it unfold. He’d witness changes in the dynamic in the infamous N.A.P relationship. He just hoped all would go well and when he was finally able to tell Changjo everything – and he knew he eventually would --- there’d have been a happy ending.

THE END

AN: aannnnnnnnnd we're finished! I apologize for any continuity errors along the way. I noted one but I won't point it out and it doesn't change the story. ANYWAY SO!

CAP really was abusing Niel during the fic at multiple times including beatings, chokings, etc. I always had it planned and there is definitely enough evidence to convict That said Niel was also emotionally absuing C.A.P. They were both abusing each other in different ways and the MNET thing just rhew off the scent for Ricky in his investigation of the source, I think. But I always had that planned too. THe most blatant thing about the abuse I think was chapter 35 but evne that was kinda... vague. After practice that day he beat Niel. There were other instances as well including the infamous Malaysia scene (ch 24ish) where he almost did it right in the waiting room but the others were there. Oh and the bookshelf incident! but the bleeding lip incident they actually were telling the truth.. though  CAP was about to hit him when it happened

So yeah i didn't say anything explicit while writing it but now that it's the end i decided to just say it straight. haha

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