unless it's not obvious but i don't make any of the graphics for this fic.

Chapter 35

There was someone. C.A.P didn’t know exactly at what moment he was made aware of it or if he just already tacitly knew. It had been going on forever probably, since the beginning of their relationship’s time. Sometimes he even wondered if in actuality he was the other guy and that the boy he loved were subjecting him to some kind of cosmic and tragic joke. To love so deeply and just know you were just one of many.

On to the next one. On to the next one.

He wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to that beautiful boy, especially when he found him sniveling alone in his room. C.A.P knew he couldn’t hate him. Not at all. The words hate and Niel couldn’t appear together unless….:

I cannot hate Niel. I do not hate Niel.

Those combinations worked.

But to say that he could ever hate Niel was just impossibility.

He resented him at times, yes. He even hated the way the other was at times but to hate his very person, the essence, the being, the soul that was Niel, no. Never.

His gut told him it was someone close. He suspected that old manager of theirs but he had no proof. Just a feeling that constantly nagged at him and wearied his patience. Whether he was wrong or not C.A.P wasn’t sure but they weren’t unfounded accusations and he had to use everything in his power to treat Niel contrary to how the other treated him. He wanted to show he trusted him not otherwise. If Niel had anything to say C.A.P had to trust he’d say it.

But it was hard, so hard to watch everything! Even normal friendly reactions became tinged with worry? No. Fear. Probably. Paranoia too.

Ricky was fine. Chunji and Changjo too. It was Byunghun who sometimes sent waves of annoyance through him. Byunhun was like that to everyone but why couldn’t he see that with Niel he was just a tad bit too close. Then there were the 100% members. Couldn’t Minwoo just leave them alone for once? Couldn’t he let them practice in peace and couldn’t he stop giving Niel rides home after vocal lessons or offering to drop some food by their dorm?

Practice after Minwoo finally left had been normal but C.A.P couldn’t stop the nagging in his mind.

Replaced. Replaced! He didn’t want to be ing replaced.

He was being driven crazy. The days had gnawed at him patiently, hoping to wear away at his heart. He wouldn’t tire easy, he told himself, it was worth it to fight. But at some point the worry ate its way through and it sat and festered within him.

It was dark and brutal. It was violent in a way he never meant it to be and finally it came and lashed out on its own.

C.A.P never wanted to hurt Niel. He just wanted Niel to happy but he didn’t know how. He wanted Niel’s heart to soar the way C.A.P’s did whenever they were together. He wanted to be the one to make him smile and laugh, but never make him cry. He wanted to hold him, not because of nightmares or tears, but rather because it was comfortable and they liked it.

Why couldn’t their relationship be conventional like that?

Was he wrong to envy Byunghun and Chanhee for their girlfriends? Their love could never match that of his towards Niel but it had to have hurt way less because of it.

Why was it like this? Why was he doing this?

His body had done it on his own because he knew it would get a reaction if he did. His fingers were coiled so tight in Niel’s hair that his world winced and whined from the force, arms shooting up to claw at C.A.P’s hands. C.A.P’s gut twisted at the sight but he fought it and leaned in, kissing Niel roughly, still holding tightly to him. It wasn’t until he broke the kiss did he let Niel go so that he crumpled to the floor as if his legs had turned into cooked spaghetti.

C.A.P never wanted to hurt him but it was the only thing he knew that worked. He didn’t know how to make Niel’s heart happy but he knew how to make him feel good. C.A.P bent down to kiss him and Niel reached out and pulled him down. C.A.P could feel the way Niel was trembling with need and initiated the next kiss.

What was C.A.P supposed to do? He didn’t want to fight but he knew that if he opened his mouth they would. He remained silent the entire time during and after practice even through dinner and once he had Niel alone went straight into it.

Not a single word and C.A.P felt he should congratulate for being able to adapt Niel’s coping technique so well.

Don’t think. Feel.

They didn’t even bother leaving the floor. If Niel knew why C.A.P had behaved so aggressively he didn’t ask and C.A.P was grateful for it and after finishing the adrenaline of it all died down. The calm that came over them was like a much needed sedative and the stress of the day seemed to melt off of him as he held Niel’s body against him, breathing in his scent from the crook of his neck.

“Hyung.”

Niel’s voice broke through the silence when C.A.P wanted nothing more to just keep it a little more. He wanted to enjoy the calm for as long as he did and just feel Niel against him. It felt pure and beautiful, exactly how he wanted it and Niel was fitting so well against him as if that was the way it was supposed to be.

“Hyung, we didn’t lock the door.”

C.A.P only answered by hugging Niel tighter.

“Anyone could just walk in.”

Reluctantly C.A.P had to let go as Niel get up from his embrace. As Niel slipped his pants back on C.A.P climbed up onto his bed, making sure to move closest to the wall so Niel could crawl back in beside him.

“Daniel, come here,” he commanded.

He didn’t want to break the spell and dispel the fog of the world that was theirs.

Niel obeyed and let himself be pulled back into the hug with C.A.P spooning against him. It still felt good and C.A.P let his fingers, gently this time, slide into Niel’s lightly colored hair.

“I love you so much,” he whispered against the back of Niel’s neck.

He shifted so that his hands folded over Niel’s belly and Niel laced his fingers with his.

“I love you too, hyung.”

“I don’t think you understand,” C.A.P sat up, turning Niel’s head towards him. “I love you so much.”

Niel smiled at that and leaned up to kiss him.

“Just holding you like this… I’d give up everything just to be able to do it forever.”

Niel turned around completely at that so that their bodies were facing each other.

“You don’t have to give up anything,” Niel replied. “You already have me right here.”

C.A.P sighed and pulled Niel against him yet again, burying his nose in Niel’s fluffy hair.

“No,” C.A.P shook his head. “Not always. Not when we fight. How can I know you’ll always be here if we’re always fighting?”

Niel laughed and it was so clear and happy like bells and C.A.P didn’t know how that could be something to laugh about but he’d be damned if he wanted it to stop.

“Don’t be silly. It’s because we fight that I know that you’re here,” Niel replied.

“Don’t say that,” C.A.P scolded, lightly squeezing Niel’s side. “I don’t like fighting with you, you know.”

“Neither do I but… I don’t know what else to do.”

“Well for one you can stop thinking that the only time I’m here is when we fight. I don’t like fighting. I don’t know if you noticed or not but I refused to speak today because I was so scared I’d blow up if I did.”

“Why would you think you’d do that?”

“I was upset.”

“Why?” Niel pried.

C.A.P shook his head. The calm that had come over him was threatening to leave. It wasn’t the same panicked feeling as before but there was still that underlying fear. How was he supposed to admit that he had begun to think that Niel was ever really his?

“Everything I--. You’re so cute and beautiful. I know you’re not perfect but neither am I. I’m willing to admit that. But I can’t help but get the nagging feeling that you’re trying to get rid of me. I tell you that I love you but it’s as if the words can’t possibly be strong enough for you to believe it. Do you believe me when I say I love you?”

“I want to believe you,” Niel replied.

“Then please do!” pleaded C.A.P. “I feel like I’m in a fight and I don’t even know who my opponent even is. Should I list them out, my every single fear?”

“You have a list like that?”

“I was too lazy to write it down.”

Niel rolled his eyes.

“But really,” C.A.P said, getting back to serious. “I know that things are going to be rocky. That’s how it is no matter what. I don’t think I normally have the patience for relationship and the bull that comes along with it but because it’s you I thought I couldn’t do anything but stick with it. I’d rather suffer than be alone. But ideally can we just not suffer anymore.”

Niel was silent and C.A.P used the opportunity to trace Niel’s face with his fingers.

“Today I got so angry because I was frustrated. I’m your boyfriend but it’s hard to see it when I see you with the others. I don’t want to think I’m jealous but… You’re so happy you’re practically glowing with them. With Byunghun… Changhyun… Minwoo… they can make your entire face light up. You never fight with them and I can’t help but wonder what it is that I did that’s so wrong.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Niel assured him.

“Then why? Why can’t we just be normal? Why does it have to be so bad?”

“Hyung…”

“It feels like you do things on purpose to push me away. Am I really so paranoid? Is this a personal problem?”

“I… I…”

“You push me. You do it multiple times. You see how much something upsets me so you pick it. You know how much I hate to hurt you.”

“You can’t blame me for that,” Niel said. “We’re in charge of our own actions.”

“You’re right,” C.A.P said. “I shouldn’t blame that part on you.”

It was true. They both knew it was true but C.A.P just didn’t know where else to steer the conversation from there. He knew they needed to talk He felt that had to talk but he wasn’t sure how to begin or what to talk about. The pushing was happening but how could he call it pushing when he was tripping along with it. He was being lead and he had blindly followed.

Couldn’t they just walk side by side?

“I’m sorry too,” Niel said, breaking C.A.P’s disarray of thoughts. “I haven’t been so good to you, you’re right.”

“Can’t we stop trying to take all of the blame and feel sorry for ourselves and actually solve something when we talk for once?” C.A.P asked.

Niel laughed softly but it didn’t reach his eyes.

C.A.P sighed and continued, “I was… I’m not sure if you felt the same way but I was scared to talk. I was afraid of what would happen if we pushed this ahead. You know what I wanted to ask you, don’t you? That day back in Malaysia about the phone. It wasn’t just about me wanting to look at your phone too, you know that don’t you?”

Niel nodded, his eyes dropping the mattress between them.

“I’m sure you’ll believe this when I say it but there’s been a lot of I’ve been working through. Well, just started working through. For a long time I’ve just been trying to keep it all in here,” Niel gestured towards his own heart. “And live with it alone. My mistakes and the consequences of my actions.”

“You don’t have to. Isn’t that what I’m here for? Isn’t that what I implied I’d help you do when I told you I loved you a year ago?” C.A.P asked.

“I’m stupid.”

“You’re not.”

“Fine! I was immature and I was wrong. Don’t tell me otherwise. I was so wrong and I’m still wrong. I don’t want to sit around feeling sorry for myself any longer but if I know how to do anything else anymore. I want to be happy too. I do. I didn’t lie when I said I loved you then but I didn’t know how to handle that at that point. I was stupid to think I did,” Niel confessed.

“So what does that mean then?” C.A.P asked. “Are you breaking up with me?”

Niel shook his head and looked up, hesitancy showing clear in his eyes.

“No, but I’m saying I may have done some things that I’m not proud of,” Niel said softly.

C.A.P didn’t want to think on it or dwell on it. He didn’t want to think of what Niel might mean though he knew that if he did he could figure it to be a confirmation of all of the silent fears he harbored. And yet there was something changed about it.

“I’m glad,” C.A.P said, much to Niel’s surprise.

“Glad?”

“Not because of what you said, no… but the fact that you‘re actually talking about it and you know… not screaming at me or throwing a book at my head or trying to knock my brains out.”

Niel rolled his eyes and hit C.A.P’s head with a nearby pillow.

“Yah! I’m being serious here!”

“I know,” C.A.P said. “And maybe I’m just realizing I’m also not so ready to hear you say it aloud yet…. The things you’ve done, that is. But I’m just happy you’re even willing to talk about it even a little.”

“I talked with a really good friend. He told me I wasn’t being really fair to you,” Niel admitted.

“Really?”

Niel nodded.

“Then tell that good friend, ‘Thank you’.”

----

Niel woke up later to a light rapping at the door. He opened his eyes not knowing exactly when he fell asleep but surprised to see the entire room now enveloped in darkness.

There were voices outside the door.

“It’s locked.”

“Ugh! Those two! Don’t they know other people live here. How am I supposed to sleep?”

“Just sleep in my room. Leave them alone.”

Niel smiled sleepily into his pillow, still too tired to actually laugh. Chunji and L.Joe were amusing but he didn’t blame L.Joe for being cross. C.A.P was the one who insisted he couldn’t sleep with someone else in the room but time and again he’d prove it wasn’t the case by falling asleep in Niel’s bed anyway.

Niel untangled his legs with C.A.P’s and went to the door unlocking it again but not letting anyone know about it. He crept back to C.A.P’s side and pushed back underneath the blankets. His boyfriend didn’t even stir.

Thinking back to their previous conversation there was guilt, of course. Niel was almost convinced that C.A.P knew almost everything. If not everything just enough to convict and dump him for good. No one would blame him if he did if they knew the entire story. Did C.A.P know about Minwoo; was that what set him off?

C.A.P hinted that he may have known something but wasn’t quite ready to hear it. Niel wasn’t sure what to make of that either but it gave him a strand of hope that maybe C.A.P would be able to stay true after all. Niel couldn’t fathom what it was he could have done to earn that love but he knew one thing for sure, from there on out he refused to doubt it. He had to do everything within his power to prove that he deserved it.

He had to make everything right.

-to be continued-

AN: btw this isn't proofread (most of em aren't) but this is like super not proofread but meh i'm sleepy...

THE END IS NEAR! NEAR!

what do you think? is CAP too easy on Niel *cries*

thanks for reading!!! thanks for commenting and subbing and just reading!!! exclamation point!