i went flashback route. haha it'll be two chapters.

Chapter 31

Niel remembered the first time they kissed. It was after a long day recording “No More Perfume on You” and everyone just wanted to go home. Of course there were delays and by the time they were ready C.A.P had already secretly wandered off on his own to some corner of the building to sleep. Niel, being as close as he was to the leader, was the one tasked with the mission to find and wake him.

Niel did as told, eventually finding his leader sleeping soundly behind a stack of boxes in the practice studio, slumped in a position that Niel imagined couldn’t be comfortable. He approached, and crouched before C.A.P, taking in the gentleness of the eldest member’s sleeping face. A slight smile hovered over Niel’s lips as he watched him.

To his surprise, C.A.P’s eyes flew open. Niel’s gasped, and began to pull back but C.A.P replied by pulling him forward into a clumsy first kiss.

C.A.P was a man of few words, and like so many other things, after leaving the building that kiss was never talked about.

The second kiss was just as spontaneous.

It had already been over a year since Niel first realized his crush on the other, but he resigned himself to it being one sided. The first kiss had come as a surprise and it sparked a hope in the younger boy that just as quickly died out. So imagine his surprise when not even a week later the two were alone in the dorm, one minute the two were playing video games and the next minute Niel had his back pressed against the wooden floor with C.A.P leaning over him, nipping experimentally at his lips.

Niel didn’t know what to do with his hands, torn between touching C.A.P’s shoulders and leaving them lifeless and at his sides. The kiss was aching him on multiple levels. It ached because it was C.A.P, the man he was pretty damn sure he loved, if his young self could put a word to that, and the other because it was just so awkward. It was obvious C.A.P didn’t have much experience doing it before, but Niel didn’t want to betray his lack of innocence by taking control.

As time went on they continued as normal. Their relationship never seemed to change. Their dynamic remained the same only with the added bit where they would kiss sometimes but they never talked about it. Niel didn’t want to ask for fear of ending what he figured was a good thing. If C.A.P wanted to kiss him he’d be glad to kiss him. He’d done worse with people he didn’t care a single bit for. If anything Niel felt like it was a treat. Whatever C.A.P’s motive was remained irrelevant for the younger and the possibility of it being that the leader actually liked him never crossed his mind.

But there was one element of it that always bothered Niel. C.A.P’s touches were light and featherlike; as if the leader was afraid he’d break him. Niel wasn’t used to being handled so gently. And it also puzzled him that as much as C.A.P liked to kiss him he never actually made any move to him.

Having with Minwoo or Dongwook and pretending it was C.A.P didn’t satisfy his thirst for his leader a bit. Now that he knew the feel of C.A.P’s body it was impossible to imagine anyone else as him.

He was reclining in C.A.P’s bed as the other came back from his shower. Niel watched him rub his hair with a towel before flinging it onto a nearby chair. When C.A.P was near enough Niel spoke, lazily lifting his head and finally saying what had been on his mind.

“Hyung,” he began, getting C.A.P’s attention. “Why won’t you me?”

C.A.P froze with what he was doing, small eyes widening as he turned his head towards Niel.

“What?” he asked.

“Don’t you want me?”

Instead of getting the yes or no answer Niel desired, instead C.A.P just went completely red, and turned away, combing his damp hair. Niel sighed, letting his head drop to the pillow, closing his eyes. He felt the bed dip and became aware of C.A.P’s body sitting so close to him. His eyes opened as C.A.P began to the hairs away from his forehead.

“Daniel, what am I supposed to do?” C.A.P asked, letting his fingers tangle in Niel’s light colored hair.

“What do you mean?” Niel asked in return.

It was obvious to him what they should do. Since when was C.A.P so daft?

C.A.P leaned down, capturing Niel’s lips in a shaky kiss. His fingers tightened their grip on Niel’s hair causing him to wince. C.A.P was rarely so rough and it sent a jolt through Niel’s body. He returned the kiss only for C.A.P to pull away.

“You don’t know how hard it is for me to hold back,” he said, his voice soft, almost a whisper.

“Then don’t,” Niel replied, hands moving to circle around C.A.P’s back. “I want you too.”

C.A.P shook his head, moving to hide it within the crook of Niel’s neck.

“I don’t think you understand. This is so wrong and yet you let me touch you. My brain keeps saying no but my body it can’t help it, Niel it’s like I need you,” C.A.P said. He raised his head, and pressed his thumb to Niel’s lips. “It was never supposed to get to this. I thought just one kiss and I could stop.”

‘Don’t stop,’ Niel thought, though he suspected C.A.P was no longer talking directly to him.

“Because I’m the hyung here aren’t I taking advantage of you? Daniel, please tell me to stop.”

“Don’t,” Niel shook his head. “Don’t stop.”

He moved his hands down and around, against C.A.P’s abs before slipping beneath the band of his boxers. C.A.P tensed as he him but he didn’t fight, letting Niel handle him in a way too experienced than what he had previously been letting on.

“Hyung, I want you,” he hooked his other arm around C.A.P’s shoulder as he continued to C.A.P with his other hand. “Don’t hold back…”

Niel kissed C.A.P for once being able to take full control and pushing the other on his back.

“I need you,” Niel said as he then began to undress.

C.A.P’s eyes squeezed shut but he didn’t fight when the now undressed Niel straddled him. It wasn’t clumsy at all, and if C.A.P was in the right frame of mind maybe he’d have questioned how calm Niel was as he prepared himself and slipped down onto him easily.

It was C.A.P who didn’t know what to do so Niel reached down, bringing his leaders hands up to touch his body. Because it was C.A.P it was so many times better than anyone Niel ever previously had. The fact that the presence of a single person could alter the experience so much, it was both awesome and frightening but Niel didn’t want to close his eyes. He fought against the instinct, keeping his face trained on C.A.P’s trying to memorize it all.

Niel didn’t understand why C.A.P would be so hesitant. Why would worry that he’d hurt him? If C.A.P wanted him he could have him, so take it! Niel was there for the taking if he would just grab it. What was there to be afraid of?

The only one at risk was himself. His heart was tangled too deep.

This was the hyung he loved so much. Not only his body but his very heart seemed to tremble, so moved he was by it all. There was no turning back, Niel knew it. Even if it were one sided this person was his fate. There could be no other.

After having , finally that was the straw that changed it all. Though kisses and touches never did anything to alter the dynamic of the two when it came to friendship or work, finally having gone all the way did. C.A.P began avoiding him. Any touch from Niel caused the other to completely tense up and if they were alone in the dorm together, C.A.P would keep himself locked in his room.

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It was their first win after more than a year and a half of trying. Finally they did it. Standing on stage during MNET countdown and being announced as winners it was a surreal feeling, and none of the members knew how to react, too choked up for tears or anything else. It wasn’t until they were backstage afterwards that the reality of it really sunk.

Dongwook had congratulated them, telling them the good news that they would celebrate by getting meat. Ricky and Changjo hugged each other in celebration, letting out a cheer. Dongwook looked at Niel and with a discreet gesture of his head Niel knew now was the time to slip out.

Niel went out of the waiting room and walked down the quiet hall. Most of the other idols were still getting their things together so he didn’t run the risk of running into anyone. He rounded a corner and was met with the PD who grinned before pulling him into an empty room.

“So you won,” he said. “You know what you owe me.”

Niel played clueless, though he was mostly just annoyed. He didn’t want to do this, tired from the performance and just wanting to celebrate with s and eat meat but he knew it would be bad should he behave contrary to how the PD wanted him to.

He tried to look bubbly, happy and young. Especially young.

“Ne, hyung!” Niel replied. “I was so surprised we won!”

“Yes, the song is really good isn’t it…” The PD grabbed Niel’s wrist as he leaned back against a desk and settled Niel between his legs. “But of course you won. Anything for my favorite little pet.”

Niel held back the urge to roll his eyes and instead giggled.

“Really? You like me even more than MBLAQ?”

“Way more… does MBLAQ let me do this?”

Niel gasped in surprise as the man shoved his hand down his pants and he was pushed down onto the desk.

“Ah, hyung,” Niel said, pressing against the man’s chest. “My members might be worried about me. We’re supposed to be going soon.”

“Dongwook knows where you are, right? He’ll keep them back. Besides, the door’s locked isn’t it?”

Niel nodded and let himself accept that reasoning, mentally prepared to just get it over with. He closed his eyes and just tried to block it out. Minwoo and Dongwook were ok but he could never really get himself to enjoy it with these MNET guys.

Things weren’t going to go as planned that night however. Not even a few minutes in and Niel began to hear his name being called from somewhere outside the room.

“My members,” Niel tried to say but he was silenced with a hand over his mouth and nose as the man continued his ministrations.

What happened next was too fast to register. In less than a second the room door flung open, flooding it with light from the hallway and then just a second more the man was ripped from on top of him so fast that Niel fell to the floor. Niel couldn’t register what was happening when he looked up only to see C.A.P with his hands around the man’s neck, eyes wide and wild.

“You ing bastard!” C.A.P screamed before raising his hand and letting his fist connect with his face.

The muscles in C.A.P’s arms were flexed hard from the strength of the grip he had on the other’s throat, the other couldn’t even scream should he want to.

“Minsoo!” Niel cried, forgetting the fact his pants were at his ankles and kneeling up to grab C.A.P around the waist but C.A.P just shook him off before landing another punch into the man’s face. The PD’s head hit the desk with a loud crack and Niel screamed.

There was blood getting everywhere and the PD who was at first struggling had ceased to move.

Niel watched wide eyed, heart in his throat unaware how to react before looking down, one arm over his stomach while keeping his other hand on his mouth. He was going to be sick and he knew it. He wanted to throw up so bad both from the blood and the situation. This was a nightmare and he was going to wake up in bed any moment now. That’s what he wanted to believe.

This wasn’t happening, he tried to convince himself but it was. He wanted to die from shame. It could have been anyone. Anyone in the whole ing world but it had to be him. It had to be C.A.P who saw and Niel thought he couldn’t live with that. He burned with shame. C.A.P would hate him, he knew it. C.A.P would wonder how Niel let that man touch him like that. He’d be disgusted. He would hate him and never want to touch him again, not that he did. He already hated him. Niel was no good. He was dirty; a dirty sick kid who was good for nothing but a cheap .

He couldn’t hear anything and then suddenly he felt warm hands on his arms and he flinched not wanting to look up.

“Daniel…”

C.A.P’s voice was so gentle and Niel couldn’t take it. Tears began to flow on their own. He couldn’t speak even if he wanted to and C.A.P didn’t pressure him, instead helping him up. Niel felt the shame rising even higher as C.A.P pulled his pants over his hips and then reaching down and picking him up bridal style, running out the room.

Niel buried his head into C.A.P’s neck afraid to ever open his eyes again. He didn’t want to face a world made up of consequences from his bad decisions. He didn’t want to live in a world where C.A.P would hate him. He couldn’t live in that world. He closed his eyes and tried to pretend for a few minutes more that C.A.P didn’t hate him.

-to be continued-

AN: OMG kslfjkdlsjfdlksnflkdjfkl i can't believe i wrote this. ok kill me *cries* what do you think so far about the NAP get together? thanks for commenting and reading and yeah *runs*