Chapter 32

Pretending to sleep, because real sleep wouldn’t come anyway no matter how much he tried, was the only way Niel could think to prolong the inevitable of facing everyone and the things that he did. Lying in his bed in the dark room, the only thing Niel could really discern was that C.A.P was mad with anger and Chunji and L.Joe were doing everything in their power to calm him down.

L.Joe and Chunji had been in and out of the room but they didn’t actually bother him at all. They would only stand near the doorway and stare. Niel didn’t have to ask to know that they knew. Changjo and Ricky on the other hand, they seemed perplexed. He could hear Ricky’s worried voice outside his door.

“If Daniel hyung’s so sick he should go to the hospital.”

“He’s not sick, Changhyun. Just tired. Be quiet and let him rest,” was L.Joe’s reply.

Niel closed his eyes and pulled the blanket over his head, attempting to further block out the sounds from the outside world but the noises in his head were no comfort. He sat up, glancing about the room in search for his music player and headphones. He swung his legs off the side of his bed just as the door opened.

Niel turned, a lump lodging itself in his throat upon seeing it was C.A.P. He immediately looked down, wishing he never got up in the first place.

“You’re up,” C.A.P said.

Niel didn’t answer, only nodded, eyes trained firmly on the hardwood floor.

“You must be thirsty. I’ll get you something to drink.”

As quickly as it was said C.A.P exited and Niel’s shoulders relaxed slightly. It couldn’t be helped; he had to face reality eventually anyway. Niel stood, grabbing his headphones and player and returning to bed. He popped the ear buds into his ears and scrolled through the library of music, not sure what to listen to but settling on something eventually.

Niel his side, pulling his blanket over his shoulders and letting the music wash over him. He didn’t move when the door opened, signaling C.A.P’s return. The leader walked over to the bedside and set down a mug. The steam wafting from the top let Niel know that it was tea.

“Daniel.”

C.A.P’s voice could be heard over the music but Niel pretended not to hear or notice when the leader sat down at the edge of Niel’s bed causing it to dip down. Niel ignored it as best as he could, but C.A.P wasn’t having it. He reached down and popped one of the ear buds out.

“I brought you tea,” C.A.P informed.

Niel still didn’t look up but when C.A.P reached for the mug on the night stand he finally moved, sitting up against the wall. Wordlessly he took the cup from C.A.P’s hands.

“Did you sleep, ok?”

Blowing into the cup of tea, Niel shrugged noncommittally.

Niel recognized he was being awkward, but he didn’t know exactly how to make it not awkward considering the situation. First there was the fact that C.A.P had walked in on and second there was his reaction to it all. Even though Niel hadn’t said a thing when he was brought back to the van there was no undoing the violence in his mind or the blood on C.A.P’s shirt and hands.

Was it strange of him to wonder if the PD was ok? There was a part of Niel that felt the man deserved it but the small part of him hated to see anyone beat up that way.

The van erupted into chaos upon seeing the state both he and C.A.P were in.

“They’re not going to press charges on me for assault,” C.A.P began. “But they’re saying they’ll ban us from their station.”

Niel sipped at the tea, eyes trained to the rim of the cup rather than C.A.P’s face.

“They said we have no proof of my claims and that you and the PD are on really good terms. They didn’t believe a thing I said. They want to hear it from you themselves. Daniel, you have to testify—“

Niel’s stomach churned. His fingers shook and he gasped in pain as hot liquid hit his skin, the cup nearly fumbled onto the blanket but C.A.P was as quick as light once again, a towel in one hand as he pilfered the mug away in the other. Niel could only gasp wordlessly as C.A.P tended to him, just as soft as he was before. The towel pressed against his hands, soothing away the slight stinging from the not quite scalding water.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said it so… you know me… I don’t have a way with words,” C.A.P apologized, still pressing Niel’s hands.

Niel pulled away, turning his body as he did so, his heart racing and mind confused by C.A.P and his actions.

“Daniel…” The sound of his name issued out of C.A.P’s mouth like a prayer and indeed there he was kneeling on the floor before the bed with his head bowed in supplication. “I was so scared.”

His voice shook as he spoke and Daniel didn’t know whether to reach his hand out and touch the other or not, afraid that his leader would shatter. Why was C.A.P acting like this? It was as if he were the one in pain when really shouldn’t the proper emotion for him to feel be anger?

When C.A.P had found him all Daniel felt was that all-consuming shame, not quite over what he did but rather at having been caught. But now, hours later the reality of it hit him even harder. It wasn’t him, it was the entire group of Teen Top hit by the stupidity of Niel’s actions. If he spoke their name would be tarnished. They’d be the group with the boy who ed the guys at MNET and the leader who attacked them. Their win would be seen as dirty, and their reputation forever sullied. There was no way Niel could own up to that. It seemed obvious and yet C.A.P had asked him to testify. It made no sense.

Besides that, Niel had deceived him, had feigned an innocence he never had. Didn’t C.A.P hate him for that? The natural reaction would be that he should. After seeing all that C.A.P had seen, Niel couldn’t fathom why the other would even want to touch him let along attempt to offer any comfort.

C.A.P’s next words surprised him even more.

“I was so scared. When I saw you in that room I—“

“He wasn’t even moving anymore,” Niel cut in, finally finding his tongue and looking down at the crown of C.A.P’s head. “I thought he was going to die.”

Niel bit his lip and watched as C.A.P raised his head eyes burning.

“It’s because he was hurting you.””

Niel wanted to protest and say that, no, he wasn’t being hurt but he couldn’t.

“I went crazy,” C.A.P continued. “Do you think I’d react that way with no reason? If it were any of the other members of course I would lose my , yes, but I could keep my brain. But my god, Daniel! It was you!

“I don’t know what happened but it was like a trigger. How do you expect me to sit back and watch someone hurt you. I can’t do that. Not at all. That’s not being true to myself or my feelings.”

“Hyung…” Niel didn’t know what to say, his heart thumping wildly.

“I felt like I could kill myself just knowing that I couldn’t protect you. My precious person. My Niel.”

Niel shook his head again, wanting to say that that wasn’t the case. That he didn’t need protecting and that he was no one’s precious person. C.A.P had it all wrong, but the words died right at his throat, his lips quivered and before he knew it hot tears flowed anew.

“You can’t think like that,” Niel shook his head, strands of long hair sticking to his wet cheeks as he did so. “Not about me… you can’t.”

C.A.P got up from the floor, rejoining Niel on the bed. He pulled the blanket up to wipe at Niel’s cheeks as the younger hiccupped and clung to his tshirt.

“And why not?” C.A.P asked.

Niel didn’t want to seem so defenseless. He didn’t want to world to get him so wrong. He wasn’t what they thought he was. He wasn’t the victim C.A.P wanted him to be. But he didn’t want to tell the truth. Not if it would keep C.A.P far away from him. How could he tell him how he already knew to meet that PD after the show and that their win was rigged all along? How would he explain Dongwook or that it was his fault for being involved with the wrong people in the first place and that there was no one he could really hate for it other than himself?

He didn’t deserve their concern, especially not C.A.P’s and yet there he was receiving it.

“Daniel, I could never hate you. I never can and I never will, you don’t have to fear that from me. You shouldn’t be afraid to tell me anything,” C.A.P said upon realizing he wouldn’t get an answer. “I wouldn’t judge you for anything.

Daniel, I love you.”

Niel didn’t want to be touched by the words but he couldn’t help it but to cry harder, both because the thought was too beautiful and he deemed himself so unworthy. This was his leader, the man he loved, and that man loved him back for all the wrong reasons.

“I… I love you too,” the words came our garbled and mangled from his throat, distorted though his hiccups and tears. “Hyung, I love you too.”

He meant every word of it. He would pretend that C.A.P did too.

-to be continued-

AN - I am not satisfied at all but if I didn't post who knows when it'd be posted. *cryfaec.jpg* RIcky and Niel talking after this with Niel probably expounding on some questions you probably still have of course ^^