Chapter 33

Ricky had listened silently to Niel’s tale, trying his best to view objectively each and every word being said though he was sure his face betrayed his true emotions. Even then he couldn’t bring himself to answer, but he didn’t have to.

“Minsoo hyung told me that it wasn’t at all my fault,” Niel said, hugging his knees to him, bringing them up to his chest. “Nothing had been my fault… but he just didn’t know because I didn’t tell him.”

“Didn’t tell him what?” Ricky asked, finally finding reason to speak.

Niel’s words were coming out cryptic. Though the story did give him information enough on the progression of the relationship between his hyungs Niel never out right voiced what it was that made him think that it was all his fault.

Between fooling around with Dongwook and an unnamed fellow trainee in their company (Niel insisted he wasn’t a Teen Top member) and the progression to doing it for the sake of fame with MNET staffers there was really nothing that Ricky could have faulted on Niel at all. He was used, point blank.

Niel sighed, turning his head into the space between his knees. The sigh was shaky and Ricky could tell Niel was steeling himself, likely for something he’d never told another soul before. Ricky was happy that Niel could trust him but it hurt to think his hyung was brought to this point in the first place.

“I lied. I didn’t tell him everything then and I still haven’t told him everything and I know it’s only a matter of time when he finds out what kind of person I am.”

“Hyung how can you be like this?” Ricky protested. “He told you himself he loves you and nothing could change how he felt about you.”

Niel shook his head, “Do you know why Dongwook hyung got switched to 100%?”

Ricky had always just thought Dongwook had transferred because the company wanted 100% to debut with a more experienced staff member on their side. It wasn’t until just recently that he had learned about the incident with MNET and the fallout of it. He figured the natural conclusion was that Dongwook had transferred because of that.

“Because of MNET?” Ricky tried.

Niel laughed bitterly, bringing his head up and looking at Ricky

“No, not because of MNET. As far as our company is concerned Dongwook hyung has nothing to do with MNET.”

“Then—“ Ricky questioned.

“Minsoo and I got together after that incident, right?”

Ricky nodded.

“Like a week afterwards, Minsoo… he caught on to me and Dongwook… you know—“ Niel made an obscene gesture with his hands.

“You… you—“ Ricky’s eyes widened. “Even after—“

“Dongwook and I had been kinda of together since I was 14, ok. I didn’t believe Minsoo had really wanted me. I thought it would end at any moment and I kept fooling around with Dongwook as if nothing had changed. Dongwook knew about Minsoo and I and he kept making weird remarks about us. I didn’t tell Minsoo anything. I didn’t say a word but he seemed to figure it out and blew up on Dongwook, threatened to bash his face in the way he did to the guy at MNET.”

“So you really… you really did?”

There was a look of disbelief on Ricky’s face. He couldn’t reconcile the story in his mind with what Niel was presenting to him as fact.

“What am I supposed to say? I did it. It was my fault. I seduced Dongwook, I seduced Minwoo and those men and Minsoo. I seduced Minsoo. I tricked him into thinking I’m innocent and as soon as he wises up it’s over so I might as well enjoy it while I can.”

“What are you talking about?” Ricky asked, frustration tight within his chest. He chose to ignore the mention of 100% leader’s name in favor or pursuing more important matters, like Niel’s skewed viewpoint of the matter. “You didn’t seduce anyone.”

“Then what was it?”

“You were taken advantage of. Minsoo was right to say that you were. By Dongwook, by everyone involved, you were. You were 14 years old how could you think any of that was your fault?”

“How could it not be when I made the first move?”

“Do you not remember being 14 years old? Hyung, when we’re 14 we’re stupid. I’m only 18 and I know that much! , even now I’m still stupid. We’re stupid and we make mistakes. We shouldn’t constantly punish ourselves for them!”

Niel shook his head and Ricky knew his words weren’t getting through his hyung’s thick skull.

“You don’t understand,” Niel said.

“Maybe I don’t but I’m trying to,” was Ricky’s honest reply.

“He doesn’t even trust me anymore. I know it. I can feel it. It’s only a matter of time—“

“You don’t trust him either though, do you?” Ricky cut in. “Or you wouldn’t have looked at his phone back in Malaysia, right?”

“I just needed to be sure of his feelings,” Niel defended.

“Well, you could have asked him.”

Niel pouted but otherwise failed to respond.

“You don’t trust his feelings for you either and that’s not fair to him. I think you should tell him how you really feel. He said that he would love you no matter what? Have some faith in that.”

Niel shook his head, “I can’t… If he’s willing to do that I don’t deserve it.”

“Why? What could possibly be so wrong that you don’t deserve it?” Ricky reached out and took Niel’s hand in his. “Whatever it is isn’t your fault and we can work through this together. I won’t leave you hyung, and if he loves you the way he says he does he won’t leave you either. If your partner doesn't help in making you a better person, then you should start considering if he is even the right one for you. Otherwise it’s just toxic.”

“It is toxic. The entire mess is toxic and the dangerous one is me. Ricky I ed up,” Niel said. “I really did. I read his messages to Kyung. He thinks I’m cheating on him.”

“So? You’re not right so that’s stupid,” Ricky said dismissively, patting Niel’s shoulder but the ensuing silence caused dread to swirl in his stomach.

Ricky hand dropped from Niel’s shoulder and the hand holding Niel’s ran cold.

“No…,” Ricky’s eyes widened. “No. You didn’t. No.”

Ricky wanted to be supportive he did. He didn’t want to be judgmental. He couldn’t fault the things Niel had done in his past but what about the things happening now?

“When did you—I mean how long and—“

Niel sighed, “It’s not like I do it all the time. Just…”

“When was the last time?”

“Two weeks ago.”

Ricky’s mouth dropped.

“Look. I can explain,” Niel began.

Ricky laughed incredulously, “I don’t think you have to explain anything to me.”

“Don’t do this to me. You’re the only person I can talk to,” Niel said.

Ricky sighed, trying to fight down his anger because as much as he was angry about it Niel was right. Ricky had been entrusted with the information and he didn’t want Niel to regret telling him anything. It was best Niel got it all out as much as he could, and if there was a problem they had to work together to fix it. That’s just how it’d be. It’s what Ricky felt he was to do as a friend.

“Is it someone we know?”

Niel nodded, “Minwoo hyung. He’s the only other person that knows absolutely everything, except now you. Whenever I feel bad I feel like I can talk to him.”

“But talking isn’t the only thing that happens,” Ricky pointed out.

Niel looked down ashamed.

“I don’t know why I’m like this but I can’t tell him. He wouldn’t trust me and he won’t forgive me.”

Ricky didn’t want to say anything but he wouldn’t fault C.A.P if he reacted the way Niel feared.

“It’s not like I go out and meet him and think I’m going to do it,” Niel said. “It’s just the way it is. It just happens.”

Ricky was unsatisfied with both the answer and the way Niel refused to meet his eyes, he knew there was more to it than just that. Ricky flopped back against the bed unsure of what to think or say. Things were just too damn complicated deep down than they appeared on the outside.

Niel and C.A.P loved each other, or so they said. They cared about each other and wanted to stay together. Why was Niel sabotaging his own relationship that way? Ricky knew now though that what Chunji said was right. There were three sides to every story and he had only heard Niel’s. Where was C.A.P’s? How did his leader feel and how much of Niel’s past and present activities had he figured out but never let on that he knew?

Niel had said C.A.P and Kyung were discussing the fact that he could be cheating on him but C.A.P had never actually brought up the accusation to his face.

“Why do you do it?” Ricky finally asked. “If you know it’s wrong why do you continue to do it?”

Niel opened his mouth as if to answer, shut it again and hesitated, unsure of how to say how he felt before the words tumbled from his mouth.

“It’s not that I love him. It’s just .”

“Just ?” Ricky scoffed. “Do you just have with whoever would want to?”

Niel looked away and rubbed his arm, “You make it sound like that’s so weird.”

Ricky watched as Niel bit his lip in thought and he didn’t know how to reply to that, unsure of how to navigate the strange territory their conversation had lead them to.

“Look,” began Ricky, trying to steer conversation back towards somewhere vaguely manageable. “Whether you tell hyung or not anything that you just told me today I think you need to work on a few things.”

“What’s that?” Niel asked.

“First, I want you to stop blaming yourself for all the bull that’s happened to you. We all make bad decisions and honestly it’s not your fault anyway. They took advantage of you hyung whether you believe that or not.”

Niel nodded numbly.

“And two,” Ricky continued though unsure if the first point even reached Niel’s heart or not. “Please think better of yourself. You shouldn’t think that just because of this or that you don’t deserve to be happy. Don’t let yourself believe you deserve to be unhappy.

“And finally number three: please never see Minwoo ever again, especially alone. You’ve messed up, sure, but it’s only going to make things worse if you keep seeing him. And if he’s the only one you felt you can confide in then its ok now because I’m here. You can tell me any and everything!”

“Really?” Niel asked.

Ricky nodded, reaching out and hooking their hands together again., “Yeah, really. I mean it.”

And he did. He only hoped that Niel really believed him. Judging by the slight smile on his face though Ricky figured he did. It made him a bit proud to know that despite being used and hurt by people in his life Niel still had room in his heart to believe at just him.

-to continued-

AN: wow long break. but here ya go. i've been in a slump and I hate posting in a slump cos the chapters aren't so good. ANYWAY hey! what do you think? and what do you think about what Niel told Ricky dun dun dunnn. Niel you...! i swear to god i'm not a Niel anti! anyway this chapter kinda from Ricky so it lacks the feelings of Niel while they're talking and it was hard to write Ricky blah! *runs away*

thanks for commenting and subbing i'm sorry for being a lame author!