Chapter 20

At their dorm’s roof top, the pair found the privacy Niel wanted.

It was dark out and the only lights came from the lamps that lit the buildings around them and the street lights below. No children were outside and the only other person in sight was an elderly man walking his white pug a distance away.

It was a weeknight but it being summer there was a relaxed air. Ricky thought it was a nice place to just sit and there was also a cool breeze that calmed him despite the turmoil he felt inside.

“If I had to kiss one of the members… I wouldn’t mind if it were you.”

Whether or not Ricky knew it or not, those were the words that really started it all.

Ricky had thought it to be strange at the time, but brushed it off as silly and innocent talk between close friends. Now he knew how serious it all was. Changjo was really liking him and Ricky really had to make a decision about it.

Telling Niel everything, Ricky didn’t feel the burden lifted off his shoulders. In fact with each word he grew more frustrated.

“You like him,” Niel finally said, apparently having heard enough.

“What?” Ricky said. “How can you just calmly say that?”

He hadn’t even finished his story yet. He was just at the part when Lee Hi confessed the next day after Changjo and he let her down.

“Well,” Niel began, “You obviously like him. You’re seriously over thinking it for one, and you let down Lee Hi so easily but for Changjo you’re angsting. If you really didn’t like him you’d turn him down right away too.”

“N,not true! It’s because we’re better friends,” Ricky tried to argue.

Niel shook his head, “No. What if Byunghun or Chanhee confessed to you—“

“EW!” Ricky protested.

“Really, what if?”

“It’d tell them to stop being stupid and that it’s never going to happen.”

“Seriously, what would you say if Byunghun confessed to you?” Niel said again.

Ricky sighed, slumping against the bench they were seated in.

“I’d tell him that he’s a great hyung but I really don’t see him as anything other than that.”

“Right away, right?” Niel asked.

Ricky nodded, “Right away.”

Niel smirked and Ricky looked away, down at his knees. He felt something inexplicable in his gut that twisted and wrenched his insides so gently. It would probably be described as a flutter, and then the words came out on their own.

“You’re right. I like him.”

“YAY!” Niel cheered beside him and Ricky had to close his eyes and bite his lip to suppress whatever emotion was trying to express itself on his face.

Niel pumped his fist in excitement, “I knew it!”

“But, but is that even enough?” Rick asked, opening his eyes and looking at his celebrating friend. “I mean I can like him all I want but that doesn’t mean I should be with him.”

“If you kissed him I bet you’ll be singing a different tune.”

As if on command Ricky turned completely red in the face.

“Wait, you did!? You kissed him?” Niel gasped.

“M,maybe just a bit… we kissed and made out.”

“What the? Yoo Changhyun! And then you asked me if you liked him. Wow. Are you daft?” Niel asked.

“N,no! I just had to make sure. It’s an important decision, you know! You act like it’s easy. How do I know we’re supposed to cross this line between friends?”

“Ha! You’ve already crossed it. Things won’t be the same ever again. So either you accept that and your feelings or you ignore it and regret never acting in the first place.”

“Is that how it was for you? I mean… how did you and Minsoo hyung decide to date in the first place? Weren’t you scared? You’re in the same band and you’re both guys,” Ricky said, finally voicing a question that had been in his head for a long time.

Niel’s eyes widened in surprise momentarily before he shrugged, kicking his feet out in front of him, and looking down at his legs shyly.

“I dunno. It just… it just got to the point that I couldn’t imagine NOT being with him,” answered the vocalist.

“You two have been officially together almost a year and a half, right?”

Niel nodded.

“How long did you like him? How long did you like each other?”

Niel sighed, looking up at the sky a bit as if in thought. His bottom lip disappeared into his mouth for a moment before he looked at Ricky and answered.

“It was a long time but it was complicated and I was stupid. I… I knew I liked Minsoo hyung but I didn’t know he liked me back… well more like I couldn’t believe he liked me back.”

“Really?” Ricky asked shocked. “It seemed pretty obvious to us.”

“Hey, you know you can’t judge me, ok. You and Jonghyun aren’t so discreet either. Chanhee and Byunghun are suspicious of you two right now. Anyway, you don’t have to be absolutely over the top in love with somebody to date them. Just liking them a lot is enough… in the beginning. You shouldn’t make the same mistakes I did and let it go on for a long time. You’ll end up with more regrets that way.”

“Like that?” Ricky asked, genuinely interested.

He wanted to know what kind of journey the two had before getting together. He used to think that he knew mostly everything about the members of Teen Top but he was finding out very quickly that just wasn’t the case. Even with Niel, who he felt especially close to, it wasn’t so.

“Just…” Niel scratched his head, showing a bit of irritation. “Just what I mean is you should be honest from the very beginning about your feelings. The more things are out in the open the less misunderstanding and the less complicated things will be in the long run…”

“O,ok,” stuttered Ricky.

“So you have to tell him!” Niel said, with a determined face. “You have to tell him that you really do like him a lot. And be confident about it. You should tell him as soon as possible. Changjo doesn’t talk a lot but that doesn’t really mean he has nothing to say. It probably hurt him so much when you ran away. Think about how much courage it took for Changjo to approach you. I think he deserves a serious answer.”

Ricky nodded. He couldn’t argue that. Changjo risked a lot to get the feelings he had for him off his chest and out into the open and Ricky hadn’t been taken it as seriously as he should have been. Ricky felt like he was taking it seriously, but after talking with Niel he knew that was far from the truth.

Ricky was the one playing games. He ran away from Changjo leaving him to worry without an answer for days. And then finally when he did talk to Changjo Ricky proceeded to give mixed strange messages. He really had to get it straightened out right away.

“Ok, hyung. I’ll talk to him. I mean… I’ll really talk to him this time,” Ricky said bashfully.

“Good,” Niel smiled. “I think you two are really innocent. You shouldn’t make this harder than what it’s already going to be. Be more honest. I think that Minsoo and I would be a lot happier if we were more honest with our feelings.”

Ricky nodded and a silence passed between the pair as they sat side by side on the bench. They were in the city and therefore not a single star was in the sky but the purple-black clouds in the sky were scenery enough. Ricky debated for a moment if it was OK to ask the question on his mind before deciding that if he didn’t ask then there was a chance another good moment wouldn’t come up for quite some time.

“Hyung,” Ricky began, turning his head to look at Niel who also met his gaze.

“Yeah?” Niel said.

“You never really answered my question about you and Minsoo hyung,” Ricky pointed out.

Niel chuckled and shrugged, “I guess I didn’t, huh?”

“Can you tell me? I really want to know. I mean… if you’re ok with it.”

Niel thought for a moment before nodding, “Ok. I’ll tell you. But only after you fix things with Changjo. Deal?”

“Deal,” Ricky nodded.

And with their pinkies they sealed their deal.

----

They stayed outside for a while chatting about whatever things came to mind before going back down to the dorm. As they entered and slipped of their shoes they spotted C.A.P sitting cross legged on the floor with a bowl of cereal beside him and the game controller in his hands.

“Well, look who finally decided to wake up!” Niel said, going over to sit at his side, picking up the bowl of cereal as he did so. “This is going to get soggy.”

“I don’t care,” was C.A.P’s reply.

Niel began eating the cereal and Ricky sat down on the floor beside him.

“Hey don’t eat my food,” C.A.P protested, setting the controller down and taking his cereal back.

“NGGH!” Niel tried to protest with his mouth full but failed to keep his pilfered food.

C.A.P began eating his cereal and Ricky picked up the discarded controller to begin playing the game. After swallowing the food Niel stood back up.

“I’m going to shower.”

“Good. You stink,” C.A.P replied.

Niel kicked his boyfriend’s thigh and walked off leaving the two together. Ricky finished the race C.A.P was in the middle of in 2^nd place and set the controller back down.

“I was in first you know,” C.A.P said, looking at the screen.

“You shouldn’t have put it down without pausing,” Ricky shrugged.

C.A.P continued eating his cereal and Ricky felt a bit awkward just sitting there with him. It wasn’t comfortable being alone with C.A.P. It rarely was even back in their younger days. C.A.P wasn’t generally a people person. It would be hard to find anyone who would label him like that.

Compound that with the fact that Ricky still had weird feelings about C.A.P’s relationship with Niel. He didn’t forgive C.A.P for calling Niel a . He couldn’t forgive the way they yelled all of the time. And honestly, he had a problem reconciling the way they behaved sometimes as being two people who cared for each other.

“I think that Minsoo and I would be a lot happier if we were more honest with our feelings.”

Ricky didn’t understand what would cause someone to stay with someone if they weren’t happy.

“It just got to the point that I couldn’t imagine NOT being with him.”

To Ricky that kind of dependence seemed toxic.

But at the same time Ricky couldn’t help but curious. He partially at least heard Niel’s side of the story, but he wanted to know C.A.P’s as well. What made it worth it for him to stay with Niel. C.A.P wasn’t the type to exert energy into something he felt wasn’t worth it. So what was it that told him it was worth it.

“You’re a little spaced out there… uh, everything alright?” C.A.P’s voice broke through Ricky’s thoughts.

Ricky looked to his side and saw C.A.P drinking the milk from his bowl.

“Huh?”

“You were just spacing out. I noticed you’ve been doing that lately too, by the way.”

Now Ricky was very surprised. He knew C.A.P was the leader and he did lead them in his own way but somehow he was always surprised by how much the other actually observed and picked up about the world around him, despite seeming so closed off from it.

“It’s nothing,” Ricky managed to say without stammering over his words.

“Really? So you and Daniel didn’t talk about anything?”

“Uhm…”

“You can tell me too, you know, if you have a problem.”

“It’s not really a problem… I was just curious,” Ricky replied.

“About what?”

“About… how you can tell if you liked someone,” answered Ricky.

If C.A.P was surprised he didn’t show it. He simply lowered his bowl and silently watched Ricky for a few moments before nodding and going back to eating.

‘Well so much for getting a reaction from him,’ Ricky thought, turning away from the other and picking up the controller again.

“So you like someone, huh?” C.A.P finally spoke again, setting down a now empty bowl.

“Maybe… kind of,” Ricky said, hesitating as he spoke.

“Does she like you back?”

“Yeah… she likes me but… I guess I wasn’t really sure how I felt,” Ricky replied.

“Well, I guess I’m the last person to give advice about this but I guess for a relationship it’s best if the man loves the woman more.”

Ricky’s eyebrows lifted in surprise.

“Why do you say that, hyung?” Ricky asked, genuinely interested in what C.A.P would have to say.

“Well, it’s a man’s job to fight for his woman,” C.A.P shrugged as if it was simple and natural.

“What if you’re both men?” Ricky asked before he could stop himself.

Now it was C.A.P’s turn to look surprised, but he didn’t question it and just laughed, eyes disappearing into slits.

“Well, then you’ll just both fight,” he said with a shrug. “Each other.”

-to be continued-

AN- sorry for the long wait. I wanted the conversations to be perfect but they aren't! will proofread later. also does anyone know any interview about how Teen Top ideal types or how they treat their gf? I've seen a few before but I would like to see more.