LEE DONGHAE

The first thing I remembered the moment I woke up was how much I am in love. And it was enough to let a chuckle pass my lips as I can clearly hear and see how pathetic I was acting. Not only because I was like a love sick puppy but because of the fact that even if I knew he can't be mine, I can't find it in me to actually hate him. I know that's supposed to be normal reaction when the one you like can't return the feelings. You're supposed to curse him, throw insults at him, tell yourself it was his loss and that you deserve someone better.

It's just that it is not the case at all.

I can't curse him, nor throw a single insult at him.

I can't comfort myself with words that it's his loss because I know it isn't.

And I can't tell myself I deserve someone better when it is etched in my heart and my head that he is the one I want; the only one I need.

So a small smile was on my lips as I stared at the unfamiliar white ceiling. It was almost hard to believe by how fast everything progressed. One day I was happy and the next I am broken. I wonder what would happen today. Shaking my head to rid off any unwanted thought, I pushed myself up and looked at the bedside clock. It says its 5:30 in the morning, just the exact time that I'd be preparing breakfast if I was at ho---

No, stop thinking. Stop thinking of things that could direct to him.

With a soft sigh, I left the bed and headed down the kitchen after doing my daily routine in the bathroom.

*

"KiBum-ah---"

"No."

"Bummie---"

"Shut up."

"Why are you---"

"Don't talk to me."

"Why are you so mad at me?!" I finally shouted, folding my arms on my chest, a pout on my lips as I leaned back on the back seat of the car. I looked at him annoyingly as the car made its way inside the school premises.

"Because you're not supposed to be here! You're supposed to be in my house and taking a rest, Hae. Not going to school!" He shouted back, meeting my gaze as he shot me a displeased look. And I hated it.

"And why should I stay at your house? I can function well, my brain is working and I don't have a broken leg or something. I am perfectly fine," I said.

"No, you're not."

"Kim KiBum, I am heartbroken, not sick with flu, alright?" I finally let out, avoiding his eyes as I looked out the window. "I'll be fine, KiBum. This is unlike those times I broke a limb or my arm. This is different. I can't stay in your house because I do not want to be alone and mope about something that can't be changed. I need to come to school to divert my attention. I do not want to have time to think of the things that hurt. And besides, it's not so hard hiding a broken heart. Once you get used to doing it, it gets easy."

"DongHae---"

"I know," I cut him off and turned back to finally look at him, "I know you're going to say it's not good for me, but just let me be for now, alright? You and I are the only ones who know the real feelings I have and I want to keep it that way. At least until I figure out the best way to get out of this mess." And after sending him what I hoped was a bright smile, I opened the door and went out the car.

Slinging my bag ony my shoulder, I let my eyes scan the parking lot before walking forward and going to my first class. As my feet move, my left hand holding a book, my head kept on turning left and right occasionally, as if searching for someone at the sea of people scattered. There were individuals, pairs or groups of students talking to one another, reading books, some are playing guitars or playing skateboards and some couples are seen flirting left and right. But my eyes were restless as I continued raking the crowd to look for something---someone.

Then, I paused form my tracks when I realized what I was doing. I looked down the ground and felt my hands turning to fist when it came to me that I am looking for him. Earlier, I looked if out car was at the parking lot and now I am searching him in this crowd. I sighed as I reprimanded myself for letting my head drift to him unconsciously. Again. Shaking my head slightly, I continued walking towards my first class. Greeting those who bid me good morning, I finally reached my room and found that not a single soul is in. KyuHyun's not here yet and I checked my watch to see that there is still 30 minutes before the first class so shrugging my shoulders, I went to my desk.

As I was nearing my chair, though, I noticed something lying on top of my table. And when I got to it, I reached out a hand to pick up a single stem of rose; and not an ordinary rose, it was a blue one and it looked so beautiful that I can't help the smile blooming on my face as I brought it close to inhale its scent. Placing my bag and book down, I sat on my chair, resting my elbows at the edge of my table as my fingers caress the flower's lovely petals. And its petals were still moist, which means it was just placed there not too long before I arrived so I lifted my gaze and tried to look at the doors only to find it void of any student so I returned my gaze back to the flower. As my fingers were playing with it, I felt some sort of string attached to its stem; it was a very long string that I had to pull it only to have curious eyes as I saw a folded paper at the other end of the string. It was neatly folded in two, and I opened it and it says,

A blue rose means impossibility.

I know it is impossible for you to forgive me.

It's impossible to make you listen after what I have done.

It's impossible to make you come back to me after pushing you away.

It's impossible to make you believe after hurting you.

I know it is a futile attempt, but I will try.

Because even if you think it is impossible, I still think otherwise.

Because even if you think I am lying, I know I am not.

Because even if you think I can't love you back, I know in my heart that I do.

And I will do everything to make you see it too.

-HJ

My eyes were wide when I finished reading the letter. HJ? Even if the sender was sort of vague about his identity, his words and his initials only brought one name inside my head. But that---it can't be possible right? He never does something like this. He clearly told me before he was not the type to do something that is seen in a romantic movie and this is obviously something that could be coming from a movie. It was just---it was so unusual and so, so sweet that I am at loss of words. And I can't care about anything else. I can't hear the sound of the students starting to enter because the only thing that my ears could detect is the own sound of my erratic heart.

*

"Let's go?"

"Go on ahead, I'll just finish copying this," I answered KiBum as he stood up beside me and getting ready for lunch.

"Okay. What do you want to eat?" KyuHyun was the next to ask as he stood next to KiBum, and Siwon joined the two after sending me a smile.

"Umm---I don't know. I'm not really---"

"No. You are eating and if you dare not show up in the cafeteria in 10 minutes I will seriously shove a whole plate of food inside your mouth, Lee DongHae," KiBum warned me, sending me his serious eyes and I can't do anything but mutter a fine as they finally left me alone to finish writing the notes of our calculus in Kyu's notebook. Scribbling different theorems, logarithms and such, my stomach finally grumbled and I leaned back my chair and looked at the ceiling.

Then I remembered the rose I kept inside my bag to hide it from my friends and a blush crept its way to my cheeks as I let out a shaky sigh.

"Stop thinking about it. It was just a stupid note. He doesn't mean it. DO NOT THINK OF HIM," I muttered to myself in a low voice before I resumed my work, pushing at the back of my head the letter, the rose and the sender itself.

KNOCK KNOCK

I lifted head and gazed at the door to see someone peaking from it. He was someone I haven't meant, probably someone from the lower year and he was looking around nervously.

"Yes? Are you looking for someone?" I asked kindly, sending him a small smile.

His eyes landed on mine and he spoke, "ah---yes, are you...are you DongHae-sunbae?"

"Yes. How may I help you?"

Like a flash, he entered the room and strides towards my desk, looking at me nervously and shifting from a foot and another before he finally placed something on my table. After that, he bowed and said, "Please take this all, sunbae," before he bowed one more time and scrambled out of the room leaving me dumbfounded. After recovering from that weird encounter, I looked at the thing he placed on my table and my brows rose as I eyes the 2 cartons of chocolate milk on my table. Reaching for one, a blue sticky note was attached to it, and my breath hitched as I read it,

I can't see you in the cafeteria.

Bet you're hungry.

Drink this.

-HJ

A groan escaped my lips as I let my head fall down on my desk. Why is it that every time I decide to not think about him, he'd suddenly do something like this? This is so unlike him and I hate it because I know I like it too much; I like the attention and know that he cares. But I hate how it makes me feel. He's making me fall harder and that's a bad thing.

Frowning, I took the straw and placed it on the drink before devouring the drink continuously.

Seriously, HyukJae. You're making it hard to forget you, I thought as I finished the first box, a small smile unconsciously tugging at my lips.