HYUKJAE

The clouds are dark as I was driving back home and I clutched the stirring wheel, my knuckles turning white but I didn’t care. I feel bad for some reason and I don’t know why. The dinner with IU was the usual; eating and telling each other stories before I send her home. It was not as important as what’s running in my mind and what’s been running on my mind the whole day.

Donghae feels distant.

It seems as if he’s getting away from me and I feel uneasy about it. He goes to school early, now; he never eats breakfast with me and it feels awkward eating his cooking without him across the table. He joined clubs without me knowing; unlike before, he always tells me everything even if I don’t ask. He goes home with KyuHyun instead of riding home with me; it felt unusually quiet whenever I go home alone or I get that uncomfortable feeling when it is IU sitting on the passenger seat instead of Donghae. It just---felt wrong. I know I acted a bit uninterested during our dinner, but the thoughts about lunch time at school kept on replaying in my head as if it’s on repeat.
 

Since when did that YunHo guy even knew Donghae?

Well, for one, I know that he is some sort of a captain of some sport; I heard IU’s friends talking about him sometimes and kept squealing at how hot or cool he is. But from the looks of it, he isn’t that spectacular. He seemed ordinary to me. He is too tall and too obnoxious. I hate his guts and the way he naturally got into the table and Donghae even scooted over to give him space to sit beside him.  And what did he say, again? He wanted to spend time with Donghae? Psh. Why would he even want that? And why did Donghae suddenly choke on his food? And how that guy patted his back and handed tissue to Hae the same time as I did is also enough to annoy me.

I stepped on the brakes as I reached our house and looked outside; he’s not home yet, judging by the way the house has no lights on. With a disappointed sigh, I went inside the house and straight to my room. I am not in the mood to wait outside the living room for him; I just feel so---down. As I reached the four walls of my room, I dropped my bag and proceeded to change into comfortable clothes; pushing aside any negative thoughts as I took a warm shower.

Trying to dodge off the feeling of loneliness that is starting to creep up to me, I decided to do some of my homework to divert my attention. But I can’t even seem to concentrate since everytime, my eyes would land on the clock and would wonder why the hell Donghae’s not home yet. I shook my head, and turned my attention back to that biology homework but after reading the second sentence; I glanced back to the clock again.

“Should I call him?” I muttered under my breath, my feet tapping beneath me in a fast pace, not being able to calm down. But I ignored that nagging feeling to just check on Donghae, “What am I saying? he said so himself, he’s a big boy. I am just being paranoid.” I sooth myself in an attempt to calm down my nerves and tried to do my homework once again, but there was rumbling of thunder that I turned my eyes on my window, frowning at the starless sky.

“It’d rain soon,” I whispered, “where the hell is he?” I shove my notes aside and stood up, on the way to grab my phone but it suddenly rang and I smiled, thinking that maybe it’s Donghae but I looked on the caller ID and felt my face drop, but shook my head lightly as I answered the call.

“IU,” I said.

“Jae,” she answered and something is off with her voice.

I raised a brow, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just that---”

I heard the door closing downstairs and I let out a sigh of relief knowing that it’s Donghae and I felt glad he arrived before it even started raining.

“Are you still there?” I was reminded that I was still on the phone.

“Ah, yes. Sorry. What were you saying?” I spoke.

“I---you seem distracted,” she asked and a tone of suspicion is evident in her voice.

“What do you mean?”

“You aren’t listening to me when I am talking,” she reasoned.

“I said sorry, right? It’s just its late and Donghae just got home now. What were saying again?” I tried changing the topic and I heard her sigh in defeat.

“The thunder scares me,” she whispered and I almost chuckled at how shy she sounded.

“Why?” I asked instead, walking towards the window to look at the sky.

“I just hate it. I can’t sleep,” she complained.

“Want me to talk to you till you fall asleep?” I asked, going to my bed and sitting.

“Can you do that?”

“Sure, just---”

Then the lights went off and I heard a sound of glass breaking that I jumped up in an instant, trying to locate the flashlight on my bedside table.

“I’d call you later, okay?” I said and hanged up before tossing it on my bed. In a flash, I went down the stairs and lighted the living room but Donghae’s not there, so I went to the kitchen room and almost broke into a run as I saw Donghae’s bag on the counter. But I can’t see him anywhere so I rounded the table, and stopped from my tracks as I heard a soft whimper. Directing my light down, I said

“Donghae?” but he doesn’t have to confirm as I bolted by his side, my arms going around his shoulder naturally and it made me more worried as I realized he was shaking.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?” I asked him in a hushed tone.

“N—no, I’m---” then a thunder sounded and he engulfed me in a hug that caught me off guard but reciprocated right away. I held him tight as his arms are around my neck and I can’t even complain even if I am having a hard time breathing; it’s not as if I’d die. Besides, I can’t find it in me to make him loosen his grip on me when he’s being this cute; hiding his face at the crook of my neck and trembling slightly and I can’t help but let out a short chuckle.

“Are you scared of thunder?” I spoke, and I can’t see his expression but I can tell he is embarrassed when he just answered in a nod. Without a second thought, I carried him to his room even if he tried denying the fact that he can walk on his own but in the end I still carried him and there’s that unexpected feeling of liking the way he fits perfectly in my arms; how I can carry him effortlessly or how he just rest his head on my chest and how he relaxed as I whispered soothing words in his ears every time he tenses at the sound of the thunder. As we reached his room, I gently laid him down on his bed and covered his slightly shaking figure with his sheets.

“Are you okay? Can you sleep alone?” I spoke and he nodded only to be disagreed as the thunder sounded once again and he hid inside the sheets and I let out a sigh as I went to close the door and return towards the bed. It just came to me that I needed to be with him; something inside my head is telling me that he needed me and I have to be here, that I want to be here and I just went with the flow as I lied down beside him.

“Wha---what are you doing?” I heard him ask and I turned to face him and almost stuttered as I eyed his features in a close proximity. Even in the poor lighting of the room, he still looked captivating and I almost forgot to answer him back so I covered it with a smile.

“I am accompanying you. You’re scared and I am not leaving you until you fall asleep” I whispered and watched as he eyed with his doe-eyes but soon ducked under the covers as another thunder resonated around the room. Wanting to take away the fear he feels, I tried to sooth him by wrapping my arms around him securely and I felt happy when his arms wound around my torso too so I brought him closer to me, liking the way his warmth feels.

“Can you sleep?”

“I can’t,” he almost whimpered, his voice muffled since he’s close to me.

“Talk then. Divert your attention.”

“You holding me like this is enough distraction,” he answered without hesitation.

“Really?” I asked and when he hummed in approval, I just felt so happy that I wanted to bring him closer so I tighten my arms around him, wanting to bring him much more closer to me if that is even possible.

“H---Hyukkie, I can---can’t breathe,” he spoke and I immediately loosened my arms as I muttered an apology and immediately smile as I heard his chuckle. And we stayed like that, talking about our fears and I realized this is the first time I ever told someone I was afraid of something; only my parents and Sungmin knew about my phobia of snakes, and now Donghae too. I smiled as Donghae finally felt drowsy and told him to sleep and I also felt my eyes dropping.

*

I squinted my eyes from the sudden sunlight coming from the window and slowly opened them. Looking around, I realized I wasn’t in my own room and I am inside a blue-walled room instead. I almost forgot where I was when I felt something shifting in my arms and a smile found its way in my lips as Donghae turned in his sleep, facing me. I took note that my arms are still around his waist, just like last night and I wondered if I slept all night holding him like this and to my surprise, I found that thought extremely nice.  Turning my attention on the sleeping figure beside me, I can’t help but look at his face closely; not like I haven’t done it before on our honeymoon when we shared a bed, but I just kind of---missed it.

His expression is akin to a child resting and I reached out a hand to tuck a stray hair under his ears, but my hand seemed to have a brain of its own since it cupped Donghae’s cheeks and I liked how warms they felt and how he just leaned into my touch. Slowly, I watched as his eyelashes fluttered and opened a bit, eyes landing on mine and he sent a sweet, shy smile.

“Morning, Hyukkie,” he whispered and I almost forgot how to breath at how adorable he sounded and looked. I felt my heart beat increasing but ignored its occurrence.

“Morning, Hae,” I answered a bit lately.

“What time is it?” he grumbled, not seeming to have a thought of getting up as he went closer to my chest, and my arms automatically wounded their way around his waist.

“Umm---it’s,” I started and looked at the clock on his bedside table, “11:40.”

All of a sudden, he sat up and stared at me with wide eyes, “What?! We’re late, hyukkie,” he said in a panicked voice and I chuckled at how he looked at the clock and back at me.

“It won’t hurt to not attend class for a day, Hae. Besides, exams are not yet close,” I reminded him and pulled his arms to make him lie back on the bed.

“But---”

“Shhh, no buts. It’s a Friday, anyway. Think of it as a long weekend,” I coaxed him and hugged his back.

There was silence, but after a few seconds I heard him sigh in defeat and turned so he was facing me, my arms around his waist, still.

“Since when were you good with coaxing me to something,” he asked with a pout on his lips that I wanted to suddenly kiss.

Wait. What? No. I did not just thought about that. Erase these. Scratch.

I shook my head, “Anyway, how did you sleep?” I changed the topic. He raised a hand to over his mouth as he yawned then rubbed his left eye a bit, and it took all the will I have not to squeal at the sight. Why is he so adorable today?

“I slept well,” I muttered and closed his eyes again, leaning into me, “But if we’re not attending school, I want to sleep some more.”

“Hey, are you that comfortable for me as a pillow?” I complained a bit, but not quite sincere since being Donghae’s pillow sounded like a really cool job if I get to see him like this every morning.

He hummed in response, still snuggling with me lazily and I let out a soft chuckle.

“Donghae-ah,” I whispered in his ear, and he squirmed a bit.

“What?” he spoke sleepily.

“Why don’t we use one bedroom?”

“Huh?”

“I said why don’t we sleep in one bed from now on?” I repeated and watched amusingly as Donghae immediately sat up from his position and eyeing me with his big eyes, looking so shocked from my statement that he can’t even speak for a few seconds.

“Wha---what brought this on?” he finally found his tongue, but his eyes are still as big.

“Hmm, I just thought that maybe it would be good for us or something,” I reasoned and he sighed.

His face suddenly turned unreadable as he spoke, “I don’t think that’s actually necessary, HyukJae.”

The way he said made me flinch---he sounded so cold, so different from the way Donghae would usually respond and I would have thought this isn’t the same person if he’s not so close to me like this. Something just suddenly felt very wrong; it’s not about being with Donghae, but something about the way he acts right now and I can’t tell which is it as he suddenly went out of the bed and proceeded to the bathroom, locking the door and I stayed in the bed, still quite bewildered at the sudden change of atmosphere.

I went back to my room, still in daze of the last encounter with Donghae. Why did he have to sound so uncomfortable? Is sharing a room with me really ticks him off? He doesn’t seem to be complaining last night when I was beside him; he even seemed to be enjoying it so why did he reject the offer? Did he really have to say it that way? Where is that sweet and gentle Donghae? Slumping at my bed, something hit my back so I shifted my position to retrieve it only to realize that it’s my phone. I flipped it open and was surprised to see a lot of messages and missed calls; mostly from IU. But I wasn’t in the mood to reply any of the messages so I just tossed it aside once again and went to the bathroom to take a bath.

*

“HyukJae, lunch is ready,” I heard Donghae shouting that I bolted from my room and ran down the kitchen where Donghae’s wearing his nemo apron and plates of food is already set on the counter. He has his back on me as he looked for something in the fridge and I can’t help but stare and a sudden feeling of wanting to hug him came to me but then, he turned to face me and smiled as he held a carton of strawberry and chocolate milk on both his hands, and my breath hitched.

He looked so beautiful.

“Hyuk? Aren’t you sitting down?” his voice sounded and I was cut off my trance to realize that he’s already sitting on the table and looking at me with curious eyes. To shrug off the embarrassment I managed to put myself in and to erase that sudden thought in my brain, I let out a cough before joining him on the table.

As soon as I sat down, he was already placing rice on my plate and I stayed rooted in my chair as I watch him carefully, leaning in forward as he placed some meat next followed by vegetables. His expression calm as he concentrated on putting things on my plate and I can’t even complain that he’s putting in too much because I was so distracted by his face but then he sat back down on his chair with a content expression with that small smile that seemed to make his face more brighter.

“Eat,” he spoke, and pointed his chopsticks at me.

And like an dumbstruck idiot, my hands got hold of the chopsticks and I started eating; following Donghae’s words as if it were some spell then he started eating himself. We were silent, the only sound is the clanking of the utensils when he started talking,

“Can we visit the Lee’s today?”

I looked up, to see that he’s giving me that expectant look and who am I to turn down a request like that? Especially since he’s showing that face?

“Umm---yeah, sure. After we eat, we go,” I answered and stuffed my mouth with more rice so not to utter more idiotic things like how he looked so heavenly just sitting there and smiling at me as a thank you.

*

I am starting to regret ever saying yes to Donghae about visiting our family. Maybe if I didn’t comply, we would have just watched movies all day or go to the mall together or something. Maybe I’d be having him to myself; but no. At the moment we entered the house HyunWoo greeted us happily because he didn’t go to school (same goes with Sungmin) and even MinHo-hyung and the other college cousins are there even if they aren’t supposed to.

“We have a break,” they just answered when I asked why they’re here. So with a defeated sigh, I followed all of them as they dragged Donghae to the living room; HyunWoo locking arms with Donghae and I really wanted to push him away from being close to Hae. I feel a bit agitated with everyone flocking around Donghae that I needed to have a breather; so instead of following them to the living room, I made a right turn and went to the pool area instead. I took a deep breath as I sat down on the chairs and leaned back, relaxing my muscles.

“Why aren’t you in the living room?” I looked at the back and saw Sungmin hyung holding two glasses of cola before he sat down at the hair across me, offering me the drink which I willingly accepted.

“I am not in the mood,” I answered lowly, before drinking the liquid and letting it sooth my dry throat.

“How are you, Hyukjae?” he asked.

“I’m fine.”

“And Donghae?”

“He’s fine too.”

“Are you sure?”

With that, I turned to look at him but he is looking somewhere; his eyes are hidden by the shades so I looked away. “I think so. Why? Did---did he say something to make you think he’s not okay?”

He sighed, “He doesn’t have to talk for me to tell something happened in your honeymoon, Hyukjae. You suddenly came back a week after a supposed-to-be 2 week break and the atmosphere around you two when you arrived was so unusual. I am not stupid, monkey. So just spill the beans.”

I tensed in my seat as I recalled why we returned home; why we were avoiding each other. Should I tell him? But what if he hits me? Sungmin is a martial arts person and I don’t even know how to defend myself from that. What if he hits me with his nun chunks after telling him? Or worse, what if he tells to Heechul-hyung? I wasn’t playing with Donghae when I told him I am terrified of his brother because he really is scary.

“I---,” I started but then my throat dried up again so I drank the last contents of the glass.

“Hyukjae, I won’t hit you,” he chuckled and reassured me; he knows me too well.

“I kissed him,” I said in a low tone and looked down on my lap, my hand intertwined.

“Sorry, can you repeat that?” he asked and I closed my eyes before repeating the sentence.

“I kissed him.”

“You---you what?” he finally understood, and was obviously surprised. “Why did you do it?”

“I keep asking that same question to myself ever since I did it and I can’t come up with any valid reason,” I answered honestly, sighing.

“How did Donghae react?” he asked, surprisingly calm.

“He---he locked himself in our room after that, but when he came out he started acting weird; weird as in he sounded so cold that it sent shiver down my spine. So I told him we should just go home and he---”

“Hold up. Let me get this straight, so you kissed him without any reason and you were the one to open the topic about going home? And Donghae said yes?” he cleared.

“Yeah. I knew he’d say yes and I knew that’s what he wanted anyway so I just---“

“How did you know that’s what he wanted? Didn’t you think that you asked him to go back home because you’re too afraid that maybe you’d do it again, or do something worse than that?” I turned to look at him.

“What are you talking about? Why would I want to do that or do something more? Are you crazy? We’re just married by paper, Sungmin. You know I have IU and Donghae is nothing more than a close friend and---”

“Then why can’t you tell me why you kissed him?”

I stayed silent, not knowing how to answer.

“If you can’t tell me why you kissed him, how are you so sure you won’t do it again by impulse?”

“…”

He removed his shades and finally looked me in the eyes,

“HyukJae,I just want to ask; Do you think that people who are in an arranged marriage can’t fall in love with each other?”

“I---What? Why are you asking me that?” I answered, looking anywhere but Sungmin.

“Why can’t you answer the question?” he countered.

Suddenly feeling annoyed, I slammed my hand on the table and stood up, “Because I am not entitle to answer such ridiculous questions.” And with that I went inside, feeling more agitated than calm. I walked to the living room and saw the guys hovering over the flat screen, some movie playing and I can clearly see Donghae in the middle of them, engrossed with the film playing. Suddenly, his head turned and met my eyes and I was frozen on the spot as he sent a smile and waved for me to join them.

“Hyukkie, we’re watching Avengers. Come on, join us,” he said and once again turned to look back at the screen and I stayed rooted on my place, my heart unreasonable beating fast.

Do you think that people who are in an arranged marriage can’t fall in love with each other?

“Yes,” I whispered to myself and was surprised since the answer came so naturally right after looking at Donghae but a while ago, I was so repulsed by the thought of it. What the hell is happening to me?