"You know, sometimes I feel like life is unfair," I spoke as we lay down side by side on the bed; I was playing with that paper SiWon gave earlier with his contact number written on it with my arms outstretched.

"Life is always unfair," Hyukjae answered, staying still.

"We meet people we don't want to meet, and be caught up in situations we don't want to be caught up with, just like the two of us," I said carefully, feeling every word that left my lips stabbing my heart because I know it is what he felt, but my heart is telling otherwise. "We got married against our own will, forced to live together and now we're spending two weeks in different places together. I know how much you wanted to be home or---"

I was cut off with the ringing of HyukJae's phone, and he quickly stood up and grabbed it on his bedside table.

"Excuse me," he muttered before he made his way towards the balcony where he took his phone.

I didn't even bother answering since he won't see it anyway, and even if I wanted him to stay in bed with me, I don't have that authority, I never had that right in the very first place, so why even bother? Staying in the bed, unmoving, I can hear Hyukjae's hushed voice, but it was too low to even comprehend what he was saying, and besides it is rude to eavesdrop at someone's conversation. Flipping the paper, I was reminded of every sweet happening that happened earlier, pondering if some of those gestures were even real; I wish everything was real, but who am I kidding, really? I can't help but think that maybe something's really starting between the two of us, something beautiful---wonderful. Even just a little bit, maybe he is starting to feel something, something more than friendship. I can't help but think that maybe there really is a chance; a chance for the two of us. Hyukjae acted---surprisingly sweet all day; holding my hand, and taking care for me. And that jealousy that would flash in his eyes once in a while makes me think that maybe he really feels jealousy, that he is possessive and I am one of those possessions he treasure, that maybe I am starting to be important for him, that I am starting to have a place inside his heart.

A cold breeze made me have goose bumps was coming from the open door of the balcony where HyukJae is. Worried that he might catch a cold, I folded the paper I was holding and placed it on the bedside table, tucking it under my phone and stood up to get Hyukjae’s jacket which was folded on the couch and made my way to the balcony. When I was about to pass the door, however, my feet stopped moving, I halted as I heard him speak.

“I miss you too, baby,” he spoke softly, just like he did to me before when we were in the pastry shop. My hold on the jacket tightens as I heard more of their conversation, totally forgetting that it is not a good act to do so. I just--- I just want to know.

“I’m in a vacation with Donghae. You remember him, right? Yeah, that cousin,” he said.

“Oh, umm well, you see Donghae needed company, so I came with him. You know, I have to look after him since he is my cousin after all. Yeah, we’re fine, you too, Ji Eun-ah, I love you more,” he said.

Quickly recovering from the shock, I went out of the balcony, with a smile and I saw that he just hanged up as he looked up at me.

“It’s cold, you might get sick. Put this on,” I said softly as he smiled and took the jacket. I turned around and was about to go back inside when he caught my hand, and I flinched.

“Won’t you stay with me?” he said, and I closed my eyes, after releasing a sigh.

“I am cold, can’t you see? I just brought your jacket,” I reasoned out, but suddenly he pulled me towards him, and his arms was around my waist, his head resting on the back of my head, as my hand was clutching the railing of the balcony, my heart beating fast.

But I don’t know if it’s from happiness or pain. I don’t know anymore.

“There, better?” he spoke, making me shiver as I felt his breath at the back of my neck.

I sighed and released the railing, then my hands went to Hyukjae’s hand locked around my waist, and pulled it down, and slowly I pushed him away a bit, enough for me to pass through as I stepped forward,

 “I’m tired, Hyuk. I want to sleep,” I said, without looking at him in the eyes and went inside the room. I quickly made my way back to the bed and covered my body with the thick sheets as I face the wall and closed my eyes. I heard my companion coming back inside too, and he closed the door, and when I felt the bed moving, I wanted so badly to catch some sleep, because I don’t want to cry, not when he’s so close. The lights were turned off, and Hyukjae settled down, and I heard him say from behind me,

“Good night, Hae. Sweet dreams,” he said gently, and ruffled my hair a bit before there was total silence.

I closed my eyes harder. I do hope I’d have sweet dreams too, but his voice kept on ringing in my ear

I have to look after him since he is my cousin after all.

_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+

3:29a.m.

The clock read and I sighed. I haven’t slept a wink, and I can’t even feel my eyes wanting to rest themselves, probably since I am afraid of the dreams I might be having. But I am glad that my eyes didn’t betray me though, since I haven’t shed a tear, even if I wanted to so bad.  I turned around slowly, so as to not disturb the sleeping man beside me, and I faced HyukJae’s peaceful face. I watched as he breathed evenly, his chest rising and falling rhythmically and he looked so beautiful. Reaching out a hand, I placed the tip of my index finger on his forehead gently, and I slid it down to his nose, going to his cheek, and his chin, and finally, I traced his plump lips.

“Why is it so hard?” I whispered lowly. “Why is it so hard to love, Hyuk?” I asked the sleeping figure who didn’t answer, of course. I know this is a cowardly thing to do, but I just can’t tell him these face to face when he is conscious, so I’d just do it this way.

“I never felt this way before,” I started, my hand still caressing his face, “it feels wonderful, but excruciatingly painful at the same time. There are times I wanted to shout to the world that I am inlove, but most of the times I cower, because that person doesn’t love me back. I love and hate this feeling, you see, this feeling of happiness accompanied by sadness. Can’t I be happy without having to feel pain? That’s all I wanted. I want to love and receive love, but everything’s just one-sided and it hurts,” I said feeling a tear slide off my cheek and dropping on my pillow.

“I love you but you don’t feel that way and I am so stupid to keep loving you even if I know you won’t be mine because you have her, and it is her who has your heart and not me,” I ended, and finally retracted my hand back, stared at his sleeping face for a while before I turned to face the ceiling.

It hurts.

I can feel it.

The pain is unbearable.

I need to get out for a while.

With that in mind, I went out of the bed slowly, dressed up and took my leave. As I entered the elevator, I got my phone out and typed in the number I memorized from last night. I was deliberating if he’s awake since it still early and it is understandable if---

“Hello? Who’s this?”

“Siwon-ah, can we meet up?”

_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_

“You still look as pretty as I remembered.”

“And you’re still a smooth talker,” I replied and drank the frappucino in my hand, and Siwon chuckled.

“So, how are you doing?” he asked with a smile.

“I am doing well, what about you? Sorry, by the way, for calling so early in the morning,” I replied.

He chuckled, “It’s fine, and I should be the one thanking you, because if it wasn’t for you my parents wouldn’t have allowed me to go out this day, but since they know you and they really liked you since, they allowed me and even told me to bring you home so they can see you,” he said.

“Really now? So I guess you owe me another one of these,” I said and pointed at my drink and we chuckled.

“How is--- how is everyone?” he asked, and his tone changed and he can’t seem to meet my eyes.

“Everybody’s fine. I moved in to Korea with my family, Heechul’s studying to be a lawyer and he’s got himself a boyfriend, finally, and Henry’s still in New York,” I answered, watching his expression.

“And---”

“And what?” I pushed, knowing very well who he’s asking about.

“Him. How is he?”

I sighed, “Kibum’s in Korea too, we’re studying in the same school,” I said and he looked up with a surprised face.

“Really?!” he sort of shouted and we earned a few looks from the other customers and I bowed a bit for apology.

“Keep it down, stupid horse,” I hissed.

“He’s in Korea? Since when?” he asked.

“A few weeks, I suppose. He’s managing their business, and he is doing great,” I said.

He leaned back in his chair and smiled, “That’s good to hear.”

“Siwon-ah, tell me---why did you suddenly leave? We haven’t seen you in more than a year, and now I’d bump into you here in Rome. Why did you disappear without a good-bye? Why---why did you leave Bummie hanging?” I asked, feeling a bit angry for this man sitting in front of me, but he is my friend too.

“I---” he started to look for the right words, “I’m engaged, Hae,” he said.

“What?!” this time I was the one shouting, and Siwon was the one apologizing for the other people in the café.

“It was arranged. I swear I didn’t know anything about it,” he explained, his face turning into a forlorn expression.

“They said that it was arranged even before I was born and I can’t back out from it. I met her, her name is YooNa and her family is one of the well-known family here in England, that’s why we’re here. She’s nice, Hae, she’s very nice and pretty, but I just---”

“You don’t love her,” I finished the sentence. Well, would you look at that, I swear I’ve heard that kind of story before, about being into an arrange marriage and whatnot, but not between a man and a woman though.

“Yes, I don’t.”

“Why didn’t you tell, Kibum, then? Didn’t you think he has the right to know?”

“I was afraid. I was afraid that he’d leave me because of it, I was---”

“So you left him first, is that it?” I asked bitterly.

“No! That was never my intention! I didn’t even know we’ll leave until that day and I had no choice and they didn’t give me a chance to say farewell to you guys, and all my belonging were left in New York, even my phone, and I can’t seem to get through your and Kibum’s contact number when I tried calling. Even through e-mail, I was---”

“KiBum was bitter. He changed my and his phone along with the contacts, and blocked you out completely. I should tell you he is so mad that time,” I informed him.

“Damn, I’m so sorry hae, I’m---”

“I understand. So, what are you doing now? Are you going to marry her? When’s the wedding anyway?” I asked.

“I wanted to call off the wedding, but I can’t think of how to do it. I still love him, Hae. He’s the one for me and I know it, and I’d do my best to get him back,” Siwon said, and I smiled.

“Oh,” he added, “the wedding would be two months from now,” I nodded.

“And it would be held in Korea,” he finished his sentence with a smile.

_________________________________________________________________

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