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DONGHAE

My feet brought me back to the bus where it was still empty since there's still an hour left before we left the park. Liking the idea of being alone for a few moments, I entered the empty bus and sat at the very end. Sitting down on the chair, I brought my legs up, and hugged it closer to my chest as I let my head rest on my knees. And the waterworks started working all over again.

I didn't put an effort to stop the tears because I wanted it to pour down. I wanted to cry my eyes out until it runs out of tears so that I wouldn't cry again. I wanted to just cry and cry until my body would give up on its own that it wouldn't be able to produce another tear. I just wanted everything to stop. I want to stop crying. To stop being so weak. To stop getting my heart broken again and again. To stop expecting, hoping. To stop caring.

I just wanted to stop loving HyukJae.

How come that everything just has to revolve HyukJae in everything I do? How come every move I make, every breath I take, every word I say seemed to have a connection to that Lee HyukJae? How come that when I open my eyes every morning, it's his face I wanted to see first? How come that when I have problems, it is HyukJae i wanted to talk to? How come when I feel sad, I look for HyukJae to make me laugh? How come---how come I let myself be in love with this much?

From the start, I already knew this marriage wouldn't work. No matter how much my feelings grew for him, it would never make a difference because I will never be his number one. From the beginning I knew, I knew that we are just married for the heck of it and his heart belonged to someone else. From the very beginning I already knew that even if I was his wife, I will never be the one he loved. I already knew---I already knew and yet...

and yet I let myself hoped.

I allowed myself to believe that maybe he is starting to love me.

That maybe...just maybe, he could return my feelings.

And he made me believe that he liked me. He told me he was falling and oh, how happy I was I thought I could die. He doesn't have a clue how he made my heart explode with happiness that night at the river. He doesn't have a single clue how he made me the happiest person alive.

But now I've regretted ever telling him how I feel. I regret every single thing because now I am like this. I regret it because everything changed when I told him how I felt.

And now, things will never be the way they were before.

*

"I was wondering, can I sleep at your house tonight?"

KiBum looked up at me and I hear him gasp. I let out a chuckle before he takes me in a deep, warm hug. I let him enguld me in his warm embrace as other students dismounted the bus. We were in a corner of the school field, because I dragged him here so that we won't attract that much of attention.

"Of course you could, Hae. Of course you could. But---" he pulled away, placing his hands in my shoulders as he eyed me worriedly. But I just let out a smile, and shook my head.

"I really don't want to talk about it KiBum," I told him honestly and he gave an understanding nod.

"But I have to do something before I go to your house. I'll just gp there a little later, alright?" I told him and he eyed me worriedly.

"What do you have to do?"

"I have training."

*

If there's one thing I am good of, it was my ability to run.

Running has always been something that could make me feel calm. I liked the way it made me feel; how the wind would brush my face in a flash, the way I can hear my breathing become irregular, the way my heart would start beating fast, the way my lungs would heave for air, and the way it would just make me think of nothing but of the steps I make. Running has always been my escape to everything, and it seemed like a perfect way to do it now.

It was drizzling when the training started. But it didn't heed our scheduled activity. Our coach started by giving us laps around the field before he divided the team in 2. And the game started.

All throughout the night, YunHo's been trying to talk to me but I'd just tell him I'm alright and avoided him.

After taking a shower and changing to fresh clothes, I was on my way out the school when someone blocked my way and I looked up to see YunHo.

"YunHo," I uttered.

"DongHae, please talk to me," he said, trying to hold my hand but I dodged it.

"Please, YunHo. I'm not really in the mood to talk right now. I just want to go home," I told him in a tired home.

"I could walk you home," he offered.

"Thank you, but I really want to be alone right now," I forced a smile before I started walking out the school.

Not longer than 5 minutes of walking, though, I could hear foot steps behind me so I started walking a bit faster. But the footsteps got closer and closer and I let out a sigh. Then, someone grabbed my hand that made me stop from walking.

"YunHo, I told you," I started before turning to face him, but my words got stuck in my throat when it wasn't YunHo's face I see.

"YunHo? Him again?"

I twisted my wrist for him to let go of my wrist then I took a step back to give space between us before I speak, "HyukJae. What do you want?"

"I came to bring you home, and then we could talk," he told me and tried to reach out for my hand but I avoided him.

"I'm not going home tonight, so just say what you have to say because I don't have anything to say to you anymore," I told him coldly.

"Not going home? DongHae, I know you're mad because we had a small fight but---"

"Small fight?" I chuckled at his words, "So that was a small fight for you, huh?"

"Please, Hae, just listen to me," he started closing in the gap between us but I stepped back more.

"Okay. I'll listen to you, but please make it quick," I sighed and let him talk.

He ttok in a deep breath before he started, "I'm sorry, alright? I know I was stupid and crazy for spouting those nonsense but I---I can't help it. The whole day I was watching you. When I woke up and saw you left before me was the start. I thought you were really mad at me because of my teasing last night so I went to school to look for you. But then I learned we're riding different bus so I told myself I just had to talk to you at the park. And so, when one of the teacher's told me to get you because you were asleep, I was happy because I thought it would be my chance to talk to you. But then, I saw that YunHo kissed and then I was pissed. Not to mention the whole day you were having fun with KyuHyun and I knew that because I was watching you. And when I thought I'd have another chance to approach you when you were walking alone, YunHo just have to freaking appear again and dragged you to the haunted house. So I followed you there but I lost you so I started to panic and when I reached the end of that maze, what do I see? You and YunHo hugging each other tightly, so I guess I snapped and well, I told you things I shouldn't have," he dropped his gaze to the ground and I just stared at him, letting the silence surround us.

"And?" I asked.

He looked up and stared at me with big eyes. "What?"

"Is there more?" I asked him.

"DongHae, please...I know what I said hurt and I---"

"Oh, you know? You know how it hurt? Well, HyukJae, please tell me just how much you thought it hurt since you're claiming that you knew," I challenged him.

And when he didn't answer, I chuckled.

"What? You can't answer? That's right, you can't answer because you have no idea, not the slightest gist of how much your words pained me."

"I--I'm sorry, Hae. Please just...I know you love me and I---I love you too so please," he started begging.

"Yes, I love you. I am deeply and madly in love with you, HyukJae. You have got no clue what I feel for you. I love you so much that every waking moment I wanted to wake up seeing you beside me. I love you that I am willing to give up everything. I love you so much...And I still love you but please stop lying to me, HyukJae. If you have just a bit of respect to me, please stop saying you feel the same because you never do, you never will. Just stop it because I kept on hoping and hoping just results me from crying and I am so tired of crying so just stop it," I told him.

"So you're saying I don't love you? But DongHae, I do, I love you and I---"

"Please," I whimpered and looked down when I felt tears once again. "Please stop it. You're just making the pain much much worse."

Then he finally stopped talking. I wiped my eyes at the sleeves of my shirt before I lifted my gaze once again.

I smiled.

"Let's just pretend this never happened. Let's just be friends again, and let things go to its right path," I offered. "We can't erase the fact that we are married but let's forget about feelings. Let's not involve feelings anymore because it would just hurt both of us so let's just---let's just start over," I told him.

"I might not be home for a few days but I'll see you at school, alright? Bye," I bid my farewell and turned around to walk away.

I continued walking towards KiBum's house and when I rang the bell I waited for him to open the door.

When the front door opened, I stared at my best friend and I tried to smile but he pulled me to him and hugged me and I let him.

"DongHae-ah, why are you crying?" he whispered and I furrowed my brow of what he's saying so I brought up a hand to touch my face, and sure enough my eyes are pouring tears again.

"KiBum-ah," I said in a broken voice.

"Yes, honey?" he cooed, rubbing my back soothingly.

"It hurts so much."