Five Years And Two Months Ago

“Siwon-ah! Where are you?”

> Hyung? What’s wrong? <

“I-It’s … *sobs*”

> Hyung? Why are you crying? Did something happen? <

...

The Night Before

After that little clarification about the ‘kiss’, Siwon stopped bugging Kyuhyun. He was about to start his senior year in high school and so he tried to put all of his focus on his studies. It wasn’t as easy as he hoped since he was missing Kyuhyun so much, but he knew he at least had to try.

Siwon loved Kyuhyun with all his heart. He was determined to do anything for the latter to accept his feelings. He wanted nothing but to be with Kyuhyun every day, to hold him and kiss him whenever he wanted to. However, it wasn’t the case, and as much as Siwon was persistent, he also wanted to give himself a chance to at least learn how to live without Kyuhyun in his life since the latter wasn’t showing any kind of response to all of his approaches.

It had been a month and a half since Siwon talked to Kyuhyun on that balcony. His heart hurt whenever he thought of him and the ache grew more each day he didn’t see him. He spent most nights crying himself to sleep because what he was feeling then, was too painful.

How much more time should I avoid him for my heart to stop hurting like this? Will I be able to stop yearning for him as time passes, or am I fated to be in love with him forever? Will he ever accept me, or are my efforts worthless? Does he even wonder where I have been lately, or he’s just happy that I stopped showing up in front of him?

These were the questions that were running through Siwon’s head when he was tiredly lying on his bed.

“Hey, can I come in?” Donghae peaked his head from Siwon’s room door since he was very worried about his little brother.

“Hyung, yes”

As Donghae walked in and approached the bed, he could now clearly see the black eye bags and the wearily look on his brother’s face. Donghae remembered how Siwon was very cheerful and happy a couple of months ago which made him very concerned about what went wrong.

“What’s wrong baby brother?”

“I’m fine hyung” Siwon tried to put on the perfect fake smile on his face but Donghae knew better.

“You’re definitely not fine. Please tell me what happened?” Donghae pleaded as he scooted closer to Siwon and put his hand on the younger’s thigh. Siwon hesitated for a while thinking if he should tell Donghae what he had been feeling but his eyes already beat him to it as tears involuntary streamed down his face.

“Hey, hey. What’s wrong?” Seeing his little brother crying brought him tears as well, but he wanted to be strong. He could sense Siwon was in a deep sorrow and he wanted to make it all better for him.

When Siwon realized his already falling tears, he didn’t do anything to stop them. He just let more and more come out and dripped on his neck. Words wouldn’t come out with all the crying, so he just chose to collapse on Donghae’s lap, burying his head in it.

The older ran a hand into Siwon’s hair, while the other one was soothing his back up and down. His heart sank at the view of his little brother weak and vulnerable, which made him want to protect the boy and take whatever pain he was feeling away.

Siwon cried for several minutes before sleep took over him. Donghae stayed in the same position not daring to move, just offering his lap to his brother. He let his back rest comfortably on the bed’s frame while a few tears managed to escape his eyes.

...

When Siwon woke up an hour later, he tried to remember what happened before he fell asleep, and that was when he realized he was sleeping on his brother’s lap.

“Are you okay now?” Donghae’s voice startled him but he nodded nonetheless.

“Hyung, have you ever been in love?” Donghae was taking aback by the sudden question and not until a few seconds after he was asked that he realized his little brother was probably having a love problem.

“I believe I have”

“Did she love you back?”

“hmm he does love me back” Donghae didn’t know if it was the right time to tell Siwon about his new relationship but when Siwon raised his head and stared at him questionably with puffy eyes, he decided to share the news with him.

“I’m actually dating someone right now”

“Hyukjae hyung?” A small smile crept on Siwon’s face when Donghae was surprised that the younger already knew about it.

“H-How did you k-“

“Know? It’s pretty obvious, don’t you think?”

Donghae blushfully pouted at his smart brother before crossing his legs and facing him.

“You don’t mind?”

“Why would I?” Siwon asked confused.

“W-well … being gay and all”

“Love knows no gender” Siwon quoted causing Donghae to grin at him, but as the latter added, that grin turned into an O “As a matter of fact, I think I am too”

“What? How do you know? You’re still young” Siwon nervously scratched his nape.

“I’m in love with a guy, but before you can throw a bunch of questions, yes I’m sure, no we’re not dating, I won’t say if you know him or not, and no … he doesn’t feel the same way” Siwon’s face fell at the last sentence. He shifted his gaze to his lap, fidgeting with his fingers and trying to block the new tears from coming out.

“S-siwon-ah! I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

“J-just … let’s not talk about it. Please”

Donghae couldn’t argue anymore. His heart was hurting seeing his little brother having a broken heart at a young age, but he knew how strong Siwon was and he knew he would overcome everything he encountered. Donghae made it clear that he would support him all the way.

...

The Next Morning

Siwon felt a bit relieved talking to his brother, and even though he didn’t tell him the whole story, but he was glad he now at least had a shoulder to cry on whenever he needed to.

It was a Saturday and Donghae suggested that Siwon should accompany him to the dorm. The younger of course did not want to see Kyuhyun, afraid that he would break and decide to start fighting for him again. However, as Donghae mentioned it was a celebration for finishing their MV, he knew how the members would be happy to see him there as they have already been asking about him to Donghae.

...

At The Dorm

So with hesitant steps, Siwon walked in to the dorm. His stomach was experiencing strange flips like he was about to throw up, but he knew it was only due to the thought of seeing Kyuhyun again.

There was a lot of noise coming from the inside indicating that all of the members were gathered in the living room, so Siwon inhaled and exhaled before he resumed heading inside, following the noise as it became closer and closer with each step.

“Here’s my heir! Where have you disappeared?” Heechul, who just came out of the kitchen, playfully smacked Siwon's back, and the latter couldn't help but smile at him when he realized that he actually did miss his hyung deul. Being an orphan and only living with his brother, Siwon felt Donghae’s band mates were like his family since they always treated him like a younger brother and were always kind to him, which made him feel bad since he stopped visiting them in a long time because of Kyuhyun. He knew they deserved better.

“I’m sorry Chullie hyung, I’ve been busy with school” Siwon stated with a guilty look before turning to face the crowd ahead of him and greet them.

“Our second maknae is here!” Shindong shouted causing the person who just walked in to the living room to sulk.

“What second maknae?” Kyuhyun retorted, but as he caught the person they were talking about, his eyes expanded, but he quickly cleared his throat and smiled at Siwon instead.

Heechul, who was watching how Siwon was gazing at Kyuhyun, his eyes narrowed in suspicion but he knew he had to kill the awkwardness since everyone was staring at the two boys who were glancing at each other with a little blush on their cheeks.

So Heechul flung an arm over Siwon’s shoulder bringing him back from his daydreaming “You like the new Kyuhyun? Isn’t he gorgeous as a blondie?”

“Yes. He is” Siwon gulped before finally breaking his gaze and turning to walk to one of the couches, sitting next to Hyukjae.

Kyuhyun on the other hand, confusedly stared at Siwon walking away for a couple of seconds, not noticing the diva who was observing each little detail, wanting to confirm something his gut was telling him.

“So, Siwon-ah, how’s senior life?” Sungmin asked as he sat next to Siwon and started chatting with him. However, the younger wasn’t focusing much on what he was hearing since he was trying to calm his beating heart and fighting very hard the urge to just stand up and go kiss Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun was blonde now. It was for their music video and the company thought he could use a make over and so there he was, looking more gorgeous than ever and thus confusing little Siwon whose efforts in letting go of him, unfortunately, went to waste.

...

Throughout the whole night, Siwon only focused on talking to his hyung deul and avoiding any contact with Kyuhyun. Of course that didn’t stop him from stealing glances at the latter whenever he wasn’t looking, but Siwon didn’t feel good about it. He said he would try to forget, he did actually but why did it all go in vain after seeing Kyuhyun again? Well Kyuhyun looked hot as a blonde but his heart needed to stop doing that to him, he wanted to let go, he needed to let go, why couldn’t his heart follow his wish?

...

After eating take outs and a few more dishes that Ryeowook made, the living room was soon empty as each member was having fun somewhere around the dorm, or went to sleep already. Donghae and Hyukjae were the only ones left and Siwon wanted to give them some privacy, besides he needed to get some fresh air so he decided to go to the balcony.

Once he stepped outside, he was welcomed by the cool breeze of the peaceful night dancing through his hair. Eyes closed, hands searching for warmth in his pockets, head tossed back to the air and a smile plastered on his face, Siwon liked how the coolness eased the pain in his chest a bit. However, what he didn’t realize was that he had company.

...

Kyuhyun’s POV
What is it with you Siwon? You look sad and I know I’m to blame for it, but what do you expect me to do? How can I make it all better? You’re nice and kind and you can make me laugh but I don’t know if I can return the same feelings for you. You’re still young and I’m already damaged. You’re beautiful on the inside just as much as you are on the outside and you deserve to be happy. Why do you want someone like me? I guess the heart doesn’t have logic because if he did, he wouldn’t let you fall in love with me.

I know a part of me wants to explore whatever you’re going to offer me but another part tells me it’s irrational. I never thought I’m into men in the first place, but I can’t deny the fact that the idea of being with you is flattering. Should I give you a chance? Wouldn’t it be selfish to be with you?

...

Kyuhyun was sitting on the floor on one of the balcony's corners with his PSP in hands, he wanted to get away from the noise and his favorite escape was playing games.

Whenever he wanted to have some time alone or relax from all of his hard schedules, Kyuhyun would usually lock himself in his room or goes to the TVXQ dorm to play with his friend Changmin. However, lately, his getaway corner had become the kitchen’s balcony.

Perhaps it was because of the calm and quietness, or because no other member was going to look for him there, or maybe, just maybe, it was because it felt cozier somehow, maybe because it reminded him of a certain someone?

...

“A penny for your thoughts” Kyuhyun spoke, causing Siwon to snap his head to the side and look for where that voice came from. His eyes turned sad when he saw Kyuhyun and the earlier smile turned into a thin line.

“Sorry I didn’t see you there” Siwon said calmly.

“It’s okay. I was just playing” As he motioned for the PSP in his hand.

“Well ... I don’t want to disturb you”

“You’re not!” Kyuhyun half said half shouted when Siwon turned to exit the balcony, only to leave the latter confused, especially when he scooted to one side as if telling Siwon to come sit down next to him.

The younger thought about it for a couple of seconds. Kyuhyun made it clear from day one that he didn’t like Siwon following him everywhere, so why the sudden change?

Hesitantly, he his heels and headed to sit next to Kyuhyun. The older turned his focus back to the game device but he wasn’t actually playing. His fingers were just resting on the buttons while his mind was somewhere else.

Siwon as well, didn’t dare to look at Kyuhyun. His heartbeat was being abnormal as usual, but it was however calm. He sighed, since Kyuhyun's new look wasn't making it any easier, as he straightened his legs and fidget with the entwined fingers on his lap.

“What were you thinking about earlier?” Kyuhyun finally broke the silence.

“Nothing and everything” Even though it was a sad smile, dimples were making themselves known and successfully drawing Kyuhyun's attention. It wasn’t the first time he saw them up close, but he mostly was annoyed or upset to ever notice how deep and beautiful they were.

Unconsciously, his hand rose, leading his index to poke the dimple. Siwon jerked at the sudden touch and turned to face Kyuhyun.

“T-They’re so deep” Kyuhyun stated but Siwon only stared at him in confusion causing the dimples to disappear again. Kyuhyun's eyes shifted to look in Siwon's eyes and the latter stared back at him before holding the hand that was still next to his face and lowered it to clap it over his own.

Siwon was expecting Kyuhyun to withdraw his hand or give him another you-can't-love-me speech, but strangely he didn't. So Siwon seized that chance to marvel at how their hands fitted together.

“Your hands are so beautiful” Kyuhyun’s gaze wasn't intending to leave Siwon’s face and obviously, he didn’t seem to mind how their hands were clapped together. It felt good and he wasn’t going to ruin that feeling.

“You are beautiful” Kyuhyun unexpectedly exclaimed causing Siwon to snap his head up, dark orbs fixed intently on the dazzling chocolate orbs, wide with surprise yet glowing with anticipation.

I don’t care anymore!

As if Siwon wasn't shocked enough, Kyuhyun's fingers moved to entwine with his, and another hand was lifted to wrap around his nape as the older leaned closer and smashed their lips.

Siwon was definitely even more surprised. His eyes bulged out but only for a short second as the taste of Kyuhyun’s lips lingered on his own, his eyelashes fluttered close and his hold tightened on Kyuhyun’s hand.

Their lips moved in sync with urgency yet softness, and with his free hand, Siwon circled Kyuhyun’s waist and brought him to his lap. Kyuhyun, who lost himself in the kiss, tightened the grip on Siwon's nape while his legs straddled him.

Siwon slowly took control and slowly parted Kyuhyun’s lips so his tongue could slide in, their hands were still entwined between their chests not wanting to let go of each other, but it didn't stop them from pulling each other closer with their free hands.

Siwon’s heart was flying by now and Kyuhyun couldn’t deny the need he had for Siwon anymore. His mouth opened widely, welcoming Siwon’s tongue and letting it roam the unknown cavern, tracing and mapping each corner of it.

The kiss was heated and passionate, and it was more than Siwon had ever imagined it to be like. However, as much as they didn’t want it to end, they were running out of air and so they pulled away. Eyes still closed, forehead resting on each other and mouths slightly agape gasping for air, they were both trying to calm their speeding heartbeat caused by the mind blowing kiss they just shared.

...

> Hyung? Why are you crying? Did something happen? <

“*sobs* there has been an accident *sobs*”

Sorry guys for the late update, there had been some circumstances and so I couldn't update sooner
and then when I could've, my laptop wasn't working :/
Anyway, I hope this will make it up to you
^^