“Are you sleeping?” Nam Jonghyun faintly asked, making Kibum throw himself into the bed and quickly cover himself with the blanket. He pulled it up to the top of his head, trying to escape any more embarrassment for the night. Hyun couldn’t see him like this, he shouldn’t!

“So you’re awake!” Jonghyun stated happily. “No man asleep can move this fast!” he continued, his grin audible in his words.

         He approached Key’s bed, then slowly laid next to him. Just like that, without saying or asking anything. He laid on his back, purposely trying not to touch Kibum yet; he knew he’d be too fragile to joke around this time, that’s why he had to come up with something new to ease him.

         What he didn’t understand though, was the reason why he did all those things for Kibum’s sake. He couldn’t put a name on the feelings he got just by thinking about him- at first he thought they were totally friendly, but as the time passed by the word ‘friend’ started to sound too weak, too inadequate when it came to ‘his Bumie’.

Wait, why would he be mine, author-sshi?

Or rather, why can’t he just be mine…

Omo! What the hell I’m thinking about?!

“Let me guess, Bumie…” he started again, knowing that he should be fast since Key could just suffocate himself under the blanket if he didn’t show his face out soon. “You feel ashamed, don’t you? That’s why you don’t want to show yourself even to me.” Hyun felt a weak nod on the pillow they both laid their heads on, taking it as a sign of agreement. “There’s no need though; I understand you and all the emotions inside you perfectly well, since I’ve walked on this road, too…” he sighed, letting his words float in the air for a while. He knew that they’d trigger Key’s curiosity, so he just waited for his respond, looking blankly at the ceiling and thinking what to say next.

         Hyun almost smiled with satisfaction as he heard how his friend lowered the blanket enough to reveal his face. Yet he kept a serious face, trying hard to keep his gaze on the ceiling because he knew he would make the younger uncomfortable if he looked towards him.

“How so?” Jonghyun heard him mumble, his voice so tired and broken. It hurt him to see his Almighty in this condition. Suddenly he felt sorry for not slapping that stupid namesake of his even harder.

“I believe shame and self-hate are common in people like us.” he said matter-of-factly. “Every person with homoual preferences feel that way at some point, Bumie. But it’s not because we’re bad or anything, it’s just we’re not accepted as we are. I’ve talked to many gay people until now, each one of them admit they had their time of denial at least once. What’s more important though, is how they get over it.”

“Really?” Kibum dared to whisper, his voice sounding a little bit more confident. Hyun could feel his feline eyes on his face watching his lips’ movement without even blinking. He liked being the center of attention. No, correction, he liked being the center of his attention.

“Yup.” He nodded, giving him time to think about his words.

“Did you have times like this, too?”

“Of course I did!”

“Was it…” Jonghyun felt how Kibum was trying to gain some courage to ask him his question. “Was it related… to your family?”

Oh, so he remembers?

“Yes, it was.” Hyun sighed dramatically, seeing a great way to make his Bumie feel better. It might have make him feel worse on his behalf, but who cared? “I never told you the whole story, did I?”

“You didn’t…” Kibum said with a normal voice now, moving a little bit to get more comfy.

“Care to know?” the older asked, already knowing the answer.

“Dying to know!”

“Okay then, I’ll try to tell it as short as I can.” He started, making a small pause in order to make him anticipate. “First of all, back then I was a really good son, you see. I was everything a parent would want to have as a son- smart, handsome, athletic, gentleman, caring and respecting others, and successful in everything, of course. Mom has always been fond of me and dad… well, let’s say he was happy to have such outstanding heir like me. I told you I come from a family of judges, right? He always bragged about how he’s going to leave his position in my hands one day and how I’ll continue our family traditions.”

“I don’t see you judging people in the court.” Kibum scoffed.

“So did I! But what’s more important is that my father is highly conservative. He’s a person with great sense of justice, yes, but he’s strongly against matters as homouality and feminism. To him, a man should be a man, and a woman should just stay at home watching the kids. That’s pretty much the best description of our family, too.”

“You and Gyu grew up in such environment?!”

“Yeah, hard to believe, huh?”

“Woah…”

“I realized how cold my family was as I grew up. Later I was told that my parents had an arranged marriage, so I partly understand why me and Gyuri were raised just… coldly. That’s all I can come up with when I think about my own family- coldness.”

“Mine is not that warm, either…” Key said, surprising him. It was his first time opening the file about his family. “I was raised by my grandma form the beginning, so I don’t have a strong bound with my family, too.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Bumie.” Hyun sighed, slowly turning his head to Key and met his gaze for a while. “You’re so cute with those puffy eyes, did you know that?” he said and felt a slight slap on his shoulder as he looked up at the ceiling again.

“Stop teasing me!” Kibum yelped, using his blanket to cover up his face again, to hide his smile this time. “So what happened later?”

“Later… came the high school’s last year. Woah those glory days! I already had my first time with a girl by then!”

“Ewwww, ert! Why would you even mention this?”

“To prove you I was a perfect heteroual until I met… him.”

“Him?” Key repeated, moving his hand out of his cover and placing it closer to Hyun’s body.

“Yeah, him. The so-called ‘first love’ of mine. I started working secretly in a small magazine since I loved to write, without telling my father, of course. He was a photographer there, already studying photography and journalism in college. He was the one who showed me how to hold the camera, actually… He was the one who showed me my true self, too. But it was pretty hard to make the nineteen years old Nam Jonghyun believe that he’s born artist and that he’s falling for a twenty-two years old male, which happened to be the best person whom he ever knew. He was the one who changed my mind about gays, the one who helped me love myself the way I am and made me rebel against my father. I got kicked out not because I wanted to study something else than law, but because I had the guts to tell my parents I had that kind of relationship with another man.”

“I’m… I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be, Bumie. I never was. It was the price I had to pay to become the person I am today, I guess.” He said, taking another look of the on