You’ll never know the value of something or someone once you’ve lost it. I was used to his presence. I was used to him being always by my side, always helping me, always supporting me. And now that he’s gone, I don’t know what to do with my life.

Gunshot.

“Haneul!” Hoya screamed as he pushed me down the ground. Everything went fast but it’s as if everything went in slow motion. One second, his body was on the ground. The other second, people started to panic. Next second, another gunshot was heard. And in an instant, Leeteuk’s lifeless body lay on the ground.

I crawled so I could be near him. “Hoya!” I repeatedly screamed his name so he can hear it. I want him to open his eyes and smile for me like he always do but his lifeless body seemed not to respond to me anymore. There we are in the same familiar painful position like we were before. Hoya’s body in my arms and my tears were soaking his body. If only these could bring magic to bring him back in life. Please bring him back to life like you have done before. Please give me even just one minute, just one minute.

“Hoya, wake up!” People started to circle around us, wanting to help, wanting to console me, wanting to also bring Hoya back to life.

I held his hand – his unmoving hand with flat pulse. His head was covered in blood because of the gunshot. I anxiously wiped it but bloodstains were still visible. And like heaven’s sent, he smiled at me. I saw it. I saw him smile. And with that my hopes went up high. He might be alive. No, he’s still alive.

We rushed him to the hospital only to hear these three words coming from the doctor’s mouth: “It’s too late”. I cursed myself for losing him like that. There I was still standing outside the hospital room, looking at his sleeping body. I can’t believe that he’s gone.   

~

Sungjong approached me and hugged me tight. And then my tears instantly fall again. I promised myself not to cry again but I can’t help it. I don’t want to soak Sungjong’s clothes with my tears but I think he wouldn’t mind me this time.

“Noona, it’s okay. It’s okay. Cry as much as you can”. He slightly tapped my back.

“I was stupid. I was stupid for losing my best friend! Jongie…”

“Noona…” Sungjong started trying to slowly break out from our hug. He got something out from his drawer.

I was crying and crying and crying but I suddenly stopped for a while looking at the DSLR Jongie was giving to me. It was familiar. It was Hoya’s.

“Noona, I found this at our tent. Maybe you should keep this”.

Sungjong left. I was there alone still holding on to his camera. This was his precious camera. I could remember Hoya getting angry whenever I steal opportunities to take a look at his shots. He didn’t even let me hold this and now I felt guilty from doing so.

I saw a lot of Hoya’s best shots, and saw different photos from our news scoops to his personal portfolio. I could really say that he really is a good photographer. He knows how to take perfect angles. And when you look at it, you can feel like the photo is talking to you. Strangely, I paused for a while seeing this photo… It was my photo…lots of my photo. I browsed the files inside the camera, one after another; Hoya has been taking my pictures ever since then?

With that, it has given me a little understanding of what he has told me the last time we met.