¤¤¤¤¤

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale again. Namjoo gripped the steering wheel and stared into her rearview mirror hoping Sehun wouldn’t need to take the same road home. God, she had been insane. What had she been thinking earlier, mixing him up with Yeol? The urge to slam her head against the steering wheel was strong. How could she have done that?

Why had he come into her office? Why was it him? How long had he been there watching her sleep? Embarrassment filtered through her veins. Namjoo wanted to bury herself. She’d only met him and she felt foolish as heck. These feelings were unnecessary. God forbidden.

Driving into her apartment parking lot she yanked her keys out and headed inside, whipping all thoughts aside. Hopefully a walk with her pug would clear her mind of all nuisance.

Olly, as excited as ever, jumped at her legs whinnying.

“Yes, yes,” Namjoo cooed. “I’m here. Lets go.”

She walked the dog, changed his water bowl when they returned, and finally settled in for a shower. By the time she walked out Olly was snoozing on the couch, snoring. Namjoo prepared dinner and sat down to eat. There were four chairs at her table, only one of them ever occupied. If Yeol were here, perhaps one of the chair would be filled with his things; the other by him. But she was alone. Always eating here alone, by herself.

From where she sat the living room stretched out before her. Just one new couch from IKEA draped with a fleece throw at the end for whenever she felt cold and two matching pillows. Above the furniture, as if to give her home a last desperate attempt of homeliness, she’d hung their wedding picture. Yeol giving her a peck on the cheek as she clutched her large bouquet of white roses and smiling all the world’s happiness. A moment captured in time. One she would never experience again.

Emptiness loomed through her apartment. All the noise coming from the machines in her house. Olly nudged her leg and she glanced down to see him peering up with large puppy eyes, begging for a bite of food.

Smiling, Namjoo said, “No. This is mine.” The dog whimpered, dropping to lay down by her feet. “I’ll give you a milk bone after I’m done, but only one.”

And if she’d had a kid she wondered how less lonely it might be for her, but how much more painful it would have become.

¤¤¤¤¤

She gave a quick prayer that morning when she didn’t run into Oh Sehun. Settling in at her desk with her cup of coffee nearby she started to get to work. All was well and she felt like the day would be same as any other. At 12:30PM exactly, she clocked out for lunch.

A five-minute walk from the company a restaurant blooming with customers stretched beyond the corner. It’s unique stone structure stood out among the window-paned buildings surrounding it. Sandwiched between a meat and grill restaurant and window shop that sold handmade jewelry, it loomed into the sky like a medieval castle. Namjoo would like to know what the architecture had been thinking when he’d built the building.

Wheel chandeliers hung from the wall. The wooden tables underneath mismatched the ancient elegance the lights were meant to offer. No one seemed to mind. Instead, the restaurant’s appearance was more of a topic of conversation than anything else. Besides, people cared more about the menu than how the place looked, and the menu was one thing Namjoo always came here for.

Spotting the tiny woman with bleached blond hair at a table near the window, Namjoo waved and quickly hurried over. Yoon Haneul, a pretty petite she’d become acquainted with and had kept in touch with through university pushed over the extra cold glass of water.

“I said table for two, they almost gave me one.” Haneul started.

“Should’ve said table for three.”

“Oh…really?”

“No, I’m kidding.”

“No, really?” Haneul’s eyes drifted over her shoulder. Confused, Namjoo eyed her friend before turning around just as a blur of yellow passed by. In the blink of an eye Namjoo was pushed over as Sehun sat next to her on the bench seat. She stared at him with wide dumbfounded eyes but other than that, felt her heart rate skyrocket as if she were a high school girl unable to control her hormones.

“Well, isn’t this place unusual,” he commented glancing around. Then turning to glance at her, “What’s up, Namjoo? Saw you going out for lunch, so thought I’d come with.”

The friend raised a brow when Namjoo turned to her for help. Realizing she wouldn’t, Sehun introduced himself, “I’m Sehun. I work with Namjoo.”

Her name flowed off his tongue as smoothly as water, as if they were longtime friends and she knew him inside out. Namjoo’s stomach flipped.

“Well, hi. I’m Yoon Haneul,” her friend greeted then teased, “I had no idea Namjoo knew such a model.”

Namjoo was going to get sick.

“He’s not…” Namjoo weakly started but they cut her off.

“She must not like talking about me,” Sehun opted. “We’re in the pre-friend kind of phase.”

Namjoo side-eyed him wondering what the hell he was going on about. Laughing awkwardly, she tried explaining herself, “He’s a new hire at the company.”

“Oh, is he? Oh right, those new recruits,” Haneul nodded. “I remember you mentioning you had open positions in your company.” Turning to Sehun, “So how do you like it so far?”

“I’m making friends,” Sehun glanced at her. Smiling, he glanced at her friend, “And the supervisors and managers are nice. I think I’d like to stay here for a long time.”

“You might even get a raise. I know Namjoo did,” her friend glanced at her amused.

Suddenly, Namjoo didn’t think today would be same as any other.

¤¤¤¤¤

“You didn’t eat much back there. Not feeling well?” Sehun followed her back to the company, taking to walking beside her as if she didn’t mind at all. Namjoo wanted to run off and hide but she wasn’t in any situation to be running at all. Running would make something out of her and she did not have anything, anything at all for this guy.

“I’m fine,” Namjoo muttered, wondering why her heart still had the energy to be racing. Was it preparing for a triathlon, because she didn’t do those things.

“I actually saw you coming out, so I thought we could talk over a meal,” Sehun said. “I didn’t know you were meeting someone. I didn’t intrude on anything, I hope.”

“No, you didn’t, but you shouldn’t have done that,” Namjoo grumbled.

“Sorry, I know that was rude.” He apologized.

The company was near, thank god. Namjoo couldn’t wait to run into her office and close her door, hoping anyone would knock at all if they needed something. She didn’t like this guy, she didn’t like anything about him.

Oh Sehun was not shy at all. He was like Yeol, open to anything, liked talking with anyone, conversed as easy as if words churned through his blood. He didn’t mind when people got angry with him because people were ‘entitled to their own feelings’ he would say. But Yeol knew when she wanted her space, he knew without her saying it. Sehun didn’t get it at all.

How to get rid of him?

“You just moved to Seoul,” Namjoo said rather than asked.

“You remembered?” he sounded surprised.

“Then…you have a girlfriend?” Namjoo wondered.

“No.”

Her insides screamed.

“Are you interested in like, a blind date?” Namjoo pressed on.

“Well…I haven’t thought about it,” Sehun told. “I just thought I’d focus on work first.”

He stiffened for once when Namjoo playfully hit him. “Aww…come on. What guy doesn’t want to date. You know Haneul, my friend earlier? She’s single. You two were getting along quite well. Want to get hooked up?”

“W…what?” he stuttered.

Excitement flew through her, her mind boiling up all kinds of scenarios to keep Sehun as far away from her as possible. She just wanted to get rid of him, of these – she didn’t know what – things bothering her.

“I’ll get you a number and a date,” Namjoo ecstatically offered.

¤¤¤¤¤

The sullen and broody Team Leader whom Sehun didn’t know whether liked him or not weirdly made a turn around that afternoon. He didn’t think she’d spoken as much to him at all. At first, she seemed like she didn’t want him around but now she was friendly as if they were really friends. So…he wondered, did she think of him as a friend now?

He was confused. On the way back to work she had seemed riled up about hooking him up with her friend. Yoon Haneul was it? He hadn’t thought about meeting anyone or looking for a girlfriend. He wanted to adult, be responsible. Girlfriends were way out of the matter, but Namjoo hadn’t given him air to speak. As if he’d given her his word, she handed him her friend’s number and given him a location. Then that was it.

A day later, he still only knew that Kim Namjoo was a moody person. He was starting to get acquainted with everyone, even Mr. Go for that matter. Sehun still wanted to get friendly with his co-workers but Namjoo seemed so distant.

Right after work he headed for home only to realize he was out of food. Sehun spent a good hour and a half grocery shopping, surprised, when he checked out, that he’d spent so much. Next time, he promised himself, he’d come with a list in order to save more money. He didn’t want to go broke and be unable to pay his rent. His parents would make him move back home. It had taken so long to persuade them that he would be fine on his own for those worry warts didn’t seem to want to let him go. Being an only child was burdensome.

The late afternoon sun was still high in the sky when he returned to his car and set off onto the road. Traffic was looming in long straight lines like ants marching back home. To fill up boredom, Sehun watched passersby scurry across the street, mothers dragging young children with them and men running with phones glued to their ears. To his right a large glass building rose into the sky. It was a bank he realized when he saw the familiar logo. Green plants sprouted from a rectangular stone potted area nearby the curb. For a few seconds while he waited for traffic to move, he watched the plants sway. His gaze shifted when someone familiar passed.

Attention brought to, he watched Namjoo still in her work attire with boring tennis shoes that didn’t match walk by with a leash wrapped around her hand. A small dog pulled her along. The creature’s long tongue lolled to one side of his mouth as he cheerily skipped by. He was honestly surprised. Namjoo didn’t look like a pet owner in his eyes at least.

The car from behind honked rattling his attention. Turning away from Namjoo and her dog, he stepped on the accelerator as they disappeared around the corner.

¤¤¤¤¤

“You’re kidding,” Haneul said.

“I’m not.” Pressing phone to her ear as she went through one of the drawers in her office, Namjoo persuaded, “Have a few dates. If you like him then date him. You’d never get a table for one after this. Trust me.”

The friend scoffed. “You sold me.”

“I did you a favor. From the way I saw it, you two got along pretty well at lunch.”

“I was just getting to know your new co-worker,” Haneul explained. “Getting friendly, as he said, pre-friend stage.”

Namjoo rolled her eyes. “A date won’t hurt.”

“I still can’t believe you did this.”

“Hey, the guy’s never been in Seoul before,” Namjoo shut the drawer after pulling out a manila folder, “maybe you could, like, show him around. Go sightseeing. You know, that sounds like a good date to me.”

“I should be more interested in your life, don’t you think?”

“There’s nothing interesting here,” Namjoo said. “You know, same old widow stuff.”

“You’re not old enough to be considered one,” her friend retorted. “All right, fine. I’ll do it, but I swear if you do this to me again I’m not letting you off.”

“I swear on my right hand,” Namjoo promised. “Hey, I gotta go. Need to finish up some papers. Manager Go arranged a dinner and karaoke for the whole crew tonight.”

“Oh boy, don’t you love those,” her friend commented. “Have fun.”

“Sure will.” Namjoo mumbled then hung up.

Manager Go was all about building teamwork hence all the encouragement for group gatherings. Tonight just so happened to be one of those evenings. It was Friday after all and no one would be staying behind to finish work. There was nothing urgent to be caught up with. Namjoo prayed she would be able to leave after a few drinks because she was not one to karaoke.

Once the day ended she packed up and left. She would be late, they knew, since she wanted to walk her dog, feed him and give him a treat before arriving for dinner. The team and her seniors were lenient with her when it came down to home content. She’d been with the company two years before Yeol left her; they knew him. Countless times, Yeol had shown up with surprise lunch for her. Her co-workers had watched with envy as she and Yeol, still newlyweds, went out to eat his lunch. Those had been her days. Truly.

“Hi, buddy!” Namjoo called out when she walked through the door. Olly jumped at her excitedly barking his welcome then scurried off with claws clicking against the floor as he pulled down his leash from where it hung. Hobbling back toward her proudly he panted and waited for her to slip into her tennis shoes.

“Don’t smart me now,” Namjoo warned petting him. “That’s a good boy. How about a nice long walk today?”

It was midsummer. Humidity glued itself to the air like salt to the lake. As the sun dipped lower into the sky the breeze helped the warmth cool off, dropping it a few temperatures only. In the haze of summer there were still as many bodies outside as there were during the day. Lovers she saw and children, lots of children. Namjoo stopped every so often when a child ran over, asked to pet Olly. She lived in a fairly dense area nearby apartments of families with young children. Young ones frequented the large playground close by and Namjoo often passed it on her route.

Watching mothers accompany their children and fathers swing newborns up and down reminded her how life still moved on. Bittersweet she thought, so bittersweet.

Olly dipped his head eagerly into his water bowl when they returned. She gave him a treat as always and was on her way out. Checking her watch she noted that she was more than half an hour late to dinner, but what did it matter. Most of her co-workers if not married, were single. None of them were like her. They hadn’t lost their spouse. Sometimes, Namjoo felt like the oddball even though no one said anything about pity to her. Still, they had homes and people to return to. Who would hug her when she stepped back into her apartment?

Pushing all thoughts aside, Namjoo listened to the chorus of voices as she stepped through the door. Manager Go had lavishly reserved three entire tables for them. Cooked meat drenched the air alongside the smell of alcohol and she expected there would be more at the karaoke. Her stomach grumbled and finding a spot she sat down. A waitress who’d caught her coming in quickly came over to give her an empty white bowl for her to place her food. Serving herself greedily, Namjoo chewed and gulped down water, accepting drinks from Manager Go and other seniors. A few minutes later her eyes swept the room until she caught sight of Sehun a table behind her. A wide smile was plastered on his face, his eyes narrowing as he laughed. Her face quickly grew hot and she turned away. It seemed, maybe tonight she didn’t need a dose of alcohol to get winded.

Grabbing a napkin as sweat doused her hairline she wiped her face. Inching closer to the table as if that would help her disappear, Namjoo quickly continued stuffing herself whilst trying to ignore the urge to turn back once more to stare at Oh Sehun.

Somehow, against all plans, she ended up at the karaoke bar with her team. Music echoed throughout the four walls, the TV screen blaring colors, drinks and snack piled over the long rectangular table. Namjoo felt woozy. Among the others sitting with her on the couch she seemed to be the only one with a piece of sanity. For a while she talked with a co-worker who seemed to be way over his head. Then at last she finally managed to steal her way outside.

The sky was eerily black, the roads empty. Somewhere down the street music from a club pounded distantly into the air. Namjoo’s mind spun as her feet hurled her to the right then to the left. She dug into her purse while simultaneously wondering if Yeol would yell at her for having one too many drinks when she got home. A second later she recalled only her dog would yell at her. Then her keys dropped.

“Great,” she mumbled. Squinting, she stared at the ground spotting a heap of silver. Only bending down seemed to be agonizing her as she got dizzier. Giving up she sat down on the sidewalk deciding she would look for her keys once her mind stopped spinning.

A second later the keys jingled hovering before her. Namjoo reached up for them but they quickly disappeared. “Maybe you shouldn’t drive,” a male voice advised.

Namjoo instinctively knew whose voice it belonged to without turning. Something dug into her heart painfully and all of her insides screamed Yeol. She wanted him tonight, to be there waiting for her, to have his arms spread open for her. Today of all Fridays, she missed him gravely.

But this was not Yeol a voice inside her head voiced. Her heart cried and said otherwise. Were there suddenly two of her arguing?

Too warped, Namjoo bit her tongue in hopes of getting herself back together. The keys landed in her hand and she felt the trickle of his fingers against her palm. Goosebumps traveled up her arm from the touch and it seemed to light something in her head.

“You didn’t talk to me earlier,” the words flew out, “why?”

She became nervous, anxious about what he might say next. She grew hot neck down and went dry. Her heart raced, pulsing, pumping too much blood through her body. Namjoo’s mind shot out of her head. She was sweating too much, thinking too much, expecting far too much. In one moment, she was far too attracted, far too loose to stop herself.

Oh, she would regret this later.

Namjoo reached for his hand not far from hers, touched his long fingers to certify that he was real. Yeol was back. Then she wondered a split second later, was he really? Lifting her head up she peered into this person’s face, part of her knowing who he was, half of her praying for Yeol.

Removing her hand, she hesitatingly lifted it into the air. She wanted to touch him a little more, see if he was real for herself. Would it be ok? Would he mind? But her hand moved anyway as these questions shot through her head.

“Yeol…” she whispered touching his cheek then dropped her hand onto his shoulder. Sanity shattering, she leaned forward to kiss the corner of his mouth, her insides bursting into tears. Park Chanyeol was back. He was alive.

***she gets all excited thinking she can get rid of Sehun by pushing him off but in the end she goes back and kisses him again bc she's too buzzed. Poor Namjoo is too confused. A part of her knows it's just Sehun, the other part of her thinks it's Chanyeol ;;