The Confused Girl POV

I am not a person who cares about labels, not at all. I always hate for being judged and I never judge anyone because it’s like ‘why would I care?’. I have never put any special attention to ‘same s3x relationship’. I mean nothing is really special about it, really. Because for me, if it’s about love you can’t choose who will you fall in love with. Whether it’s a boy or a girl, love is love.

But honestly, being in a same-s3x relationship never crossed my mind. I didn’t find any wrong with that but I live here in Korea where same-s3x relationship is a very uncommon thing. Although it’s not a new thing in celebrity world, I may say. Yes, many ‘wrong’ things happened among us, celebrities. Well actually celebrities have their own reasons for doing what’s so called ‘wrong things’. Being a celebrity is a very hard thing. We are forced to always look fresh and lovely, we’re forced to stay health and energetic, we’re forced to be a very very very good role model to everyone. We are working under pressure, it’s really tiring and stressful. That is the reason why celebrities have their own ‘fun’ and ‘party’, because we need to boost our mental to stay professional as an idol. Me? I don’t like party. I’d like to spend my time by chilling, being lazy, watching my favorite movies or reading books. But yes, I sometimes join the ‘party’ but only with the people I like.

Back to the same-s3x topic, in celebrity world—which the outsiders don’t know—same-s3x relationship is not a new thing indeed, but as far as I knew they do it just for fun. Since we live in a country that doesn’t accept same-s3x marriage, celebrities or people who were in same-s3x relationship would end up marrying the opposite gender, either it’s for good or they really love each other.

Same-s3x relationship doesn’t have a good future in Korea, moreover if you’re a celebrity, if people find out you’re in same-s3x relationship they will swear at you, and you’ll lose your career and future.

Amber, you and I knew about that. Getting into a serious relationship wouldn’t happen between us. And we tried our best to be realistic, we needed our career, we needed to be professional. Being in a special relationship with you once popped in my head, I wanted to try it just for fun, but then…… I didn’t think my feeling for you was just for fun. I really did care about you. I didn’t want to be apart from you.

After many moments we had passed, we knew that we were no longer just best friends. There was something between us, more than best friends less than lovers. That time even I had broke up with my ex boy friend (we broke up because I said to him that I didn’t feel any chemistry for being a couple with him anymore, he was okay and we are still good friends until now), but I didn’t get into a ‘special’ relationship with you Amber. Even people around us expected that we were lovers because we acted like one, the fact we’ve never said those three words to each other. We decided to avoid such a serious feeling between us, or at least we avoided to talk about it.

“Manager oppa, drop me at Amber’s place”, I said to manager oppa right after I finished the photo shoot for a magazine.

I missed you. I cursed my self for always missing you. Well but I was not a lame person who would whine ‘I miss you’ right to your ear. You were the one who would do that, such a cheesy lame stupid dork llama.

Amber will always be Amber, a careless person who always forgot to lock the door. I casually stepped in as I opened your apartment door. It surprised me because your apartment looked very clean and neat. You just cleaned up everything I guessed, which meant you weren’t very busy with working and stuffs.

“Am?”, I called you as I walked to your room. It was a cute thing seeing you slept on your bed, looking tired.

I sat right next to you, watched your sleeping face. Why were you like a baby? I couldn’t take the cuteness so I put my palm on your cheek, leaned closer and planted a kiss on your forehead.

It woke you up.

“Sorry”, I said as you slowly opened your eyes. You smiled at me and stared at me with your sleepy eyes.

“How did you get in?”, you asked with your husky voice.

I rolled my eyes, “guess how?”

You grinned stupidly, “I forgot to lock the door”

“Uhuh”

You got up and leaned on me, “I missed you”, you whispered. Your cute behavior always melted me, Amber. You could be so cool and handsome out there, but you always acted like a baby when you were with me.

I put my hand on your head and tapped it, “aigoo baby Amber… I know you missed me, but let me take off my shoes and coat first. And you need to wash your face first, you look very sleepy”

“Noooo”, you embraced your arms around my waist and put your head on my chest, “let me stay like this for a minute”

I let you. People would think you were my servant so you’d be the whipped one, but silently I felt I was whipped by your cuteness sometimes.

“Okay done”, you finally let me go.

I immediately took off my coat and my shoes before the clingy Amber attacked me again. It was still afternoon, the weather was a bit cold but we still could enjoy the sunshine that was peeking through your window.

“Do you want to eat something?”, you asked as you stood up and walked toward the kitchen.

“No. I’m still full”, I replied. I actually wasn’t in the mood to eat. I came here just to cuddle with you.

I felt a little bit disappointed when you stepped out of your room, left me alone. That was why I smiled a little when you were back with two cans of soda in your palms.

“Here”, you handed me the soda while sat right next to me. You pulled my body to sit closer to you, embraced your arm around my waist while your other hand was holding the soda can. I leaned my head on your chest. Feeling comfortable with your scent, I closed my eyes. I even forgot about the soda that I was holding.

“Any other schedules after the photo shoot?”

I shook my head as the answer, my eyes were still closed.

You took the soda can from my hand then put yours and mine on the side desk. I had a feeling that you were about to say something so I opened my eyes. You cupped my cheeks, staring at me, “I missed you”, you said it again and then you kissed my forehead.

I pulled you into a hug, I loved burying my body in yours.

Yes we were so lovey dovey. We spent every little second of our moment by showing our feeling through our moves. We really looked like a young couple, even we actually were not.

“Say something”, you broke the silent moment between us.

“I don’t wanna say anything”

“If you stay silent it makes want to say I lov…”

I immediately covered your mouth with my palm. You couldn’t say that, or we would mess everything.

I shook my head while stared at you. There was a sad in my eyes, I knew.

You removed my hand from your mouth, gently. “Okay I won’t say it”, you said faintly.

I bit my lower lip, “sorry…”

“For what? It’s okay, Princess. We’ve talked about it and we decided to stay like this”

I nodded.

I always prevented us to say ‘I love you’ to each other. Well, I sometimes said ‘love you’ to you in front of our friends, but it just sounded like a friendly love. I wasn’t brave enough to say it when there were just the two of us, because those three words would guide us to ask more. I was sure if we said those words to each other—it would guide us into a serious relationship. I wouldn’t say ‘no’ if you asked me to be your girl friend, my logic wouldn’t work. And I was sure I’d say the same three words to you if you said it to me. That was why we’d better stay away from those three words.

I cupped your cheeks to pull you into a deep kiss. Although I couldn’t show my feeling through the words, but at least I could show you how I felt by kissing you. I knew how you felt. I kept telling you not to fall in love with each other. I kept remind you that we would stay like this with no special relationship. I always let you to touch me and kiss me but prevented you to love me. I knew it was torturing Amber, because I felt it too. But we had no choice. We've decided it for good.

You stared at me deeply after we broke the kiss.

“Can I ask you something?”, you caressed my cheek with your thumb.

I nodded.

“We’re not in a special relationship right?”, you slided your hand til you touched my hand, held it gently.

I needed few seconds before nodded again.

“Is… is there any chance you… you… get in a relationship with another guy?”

“…… I don’t know Amber… maybe…”

You looked down. There was something wrong in your eyes.

“Amber are you jealous? I’ve told you we can’t be like that. We… we don’t belong to each other”

“I know”

“We’ve promised we won’t be serious. We just show our affection to each other, but that’s it, not more”

“Feeling can’t be controlled, Krys”

“Then we should stop it”

“How? You even just kissed me. How can we not grow the feeling if we stay acting like lovers?”

You finally spoke up your mind. And I was just dumbfounded. You were right, and I was speechless.

“We should stop all this sht but I don’t know… I enjoy being intimate with you. And I… I think I really… I lov…”

“Amber... please stop being like this. If you’re like this we really need to stop it. It probably will be better if I find another guy, and you can’t be jealous”

“Then you can’t be jealous if I have a girl friend”

I was surprised as you said that. But again you were right, I was so egoist because I always controlled your feeling. I didn’t know how if it was me. I never imagined how would I react if you were in relationship with another girl.

“I won’t be jealous, o…of course”

“I see”, you let go of my hand, “if you’re okay with that then I think it’ll be better for me to look for a girl friend. Because it really is torturing me, Krystal. Everything about you is torturing me, the fact that you can’t be mine is torturing me”

I didn’t plan to go to your place to have such conversation. I thought I shouldn’t have been there.

“I know we have always been avoiding this kind of conversation”, as if you read my mind, “but you said we have to be realistic. I don’t know about your feeling for me, but mine is too much for you. I’m about to cross the borders we made”

I had no idea why my eyes felt so wet. I couldn’t feel anything but the aches in my heart knowing that I hurt you so much.

I felt the gentle touch when you wiped my eyes, “I’m sorry for saying such things” , you pulled me into your hug again, “I’m hurting you”

“…… no Am I’m hurting you”

You stayed silent. It made me sure that you really felt hurt because of me.

“You’re probably right”, I pulled out of your hug to face you, “we shouldn’t let this feeling to grow more”

You stared at me in the eyes, “I had a fun relationship with some girls before, and if you remember the girl named TP, she was my girl friend”, you smiled faintly.

I remembered that girl. I thought she was just your friend, “She was your girl friend?”

“Yeah… only for few months”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why would I? I didn’t dare to say about my relationship with girl because… you know… it’s an uncommon thing in Korea and besides I didn’t take it seriously“

“You should’ve trusted me”

“I trusted you. I just… didn’t feel like telling you. I didn’t even know why. I want you to feel special to me, because you are”

Your words made me held your hand tightly.

“I knew my relationship with TP was going to nowhere, but it was fun enough so I enjoyed it. But with you… I don’t think I can enjoy this relationship without ask you more than ‘fun’ things. It may sound lame but having fun with you is not enough for me. I want to be happy with you, literally”

You let a deep sigh. I held your hand tighter.

“Told you I’ve crossed the borders. When you were still with M I was always waiting and hoping I could replace his position, but even now you’re not with him, still I can’t be with you”

You played your fingers with mine, I waited for your next words.

“I didn’t think much when I was in relationship with TP because I knew it was just a temporary relationship, but again, I don’t think I would like to be in such temporary relationship with you. Krys…”

I looked up to you.

“if being your best friend will make us stay together, I don’t mind being your best friend only. But if we keep being intimate to each other, it’s hard for me to be okay for just being a friend”, you said.

“…I know… I don’t wanna hurt you, Am. Make your way to not to drown with your feeling for me, I’ll be fine”, I tried my best to smile.

“We should create new borders. But before we do, let us enjoy our moment for the last time”, you pulled me closer to kiss me passionately.

You caressed every inch of my body very gently. I’ve always felt loved by your touch. Our body moved in a beautiful rhythm of our feeling. We just decided to make love for the last time.

I loved you, Am. I finally said it although it was just in my heart and mind.

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Next Chapter: flash back: We Thought We would be Okay But… Part II