The Clueless Person POV

I’ve never dreamt to be an idol. I like music and art, but when I was younger I had an imagination of me being a member of band, a punk band or hip hop metal band. I was able to play guitar, well not that good though, but I also learned how to play drum and I guess I could play it well back then. It was my friend who told me there was an idol audition. Well, I admit it, I was a fan of some Korean Pop idols. Because, man, I didn’t even know why. Honestly it wasn’t about the music, it was their performance—all package—music, looks, and the dance. Since I admired them, I was curious how was the audition going. So I went there—joined the audition just for fun—but it brought me here anyway.

On the early years I lived in Korea, as a completely stranger, it was so torturing. The language, the culture, even the food. I was too young to live by myself in a foreign country. Moreover, many people paid attention to my look, the way I dressed. And the thing I hate the most was going to public toilet. Well, it might be my fault since I dressed like a dude, and Korea is not LA where you can be anything you want.

Then you appeared like a fairy god mother. You were always there when I felt homesick. You were never tired to teach me how to speak Korean properly, even you knew I was at it. You were there when I was sick, you always checked my grocery, you picked clothes for me when we shopped together. For a clueless teenager like me—who was far from my family—you were really an angel, my comfort zone, and I was too attached to you.

Until I realized, that was not good for us.

After we debuted in 2009, you got many attentions from media. You got offered many photo shoots, dramas, and many kinds of reality show. You were shining very bright as a young teenage girl. Yes, you grew as a very beautiful young lady, I even admired your beauty and said to the interviewer that you were close to be perfect, I was too honest... or too stupid?

Well, you made many new friends because yeah, who doesn't want  to know you anyways? And I felt that you were getting busier, not only with us—f(x)—but you were also busy with your own schedules.

I remember that you and Minho—our senior in our agency—were chosen to be involved in a famous sport reality show program. I was very happy and really wished you two to be the winner in that program. But one day I noticed, you and Minho became closer and closer. You told me once that Minho was a really nice guy and handsome. Well, you were not wrong. But I didn’t know why I felt something swollen in my chest.

That day I came to you right after we finished practicing, “let’s go”, I said. We usually went home together because my condo and your house were close, not really far from the agency building.

“Uh… Amber I’m not going home with you today”

“Oh… Do you have schedule? I thought you were free, because… I was about to ask you for a help”, again, I was so helpless, I always needed you.

“Help?”, you stood up, “what is it?”

“Errr… you know… Korean assignment.. Hiii”, I grinnedlike a llama. That time I was a student of a collage, and I always needed you to help me doing Korean assignment.

You sighed, then you tapped my shoulders, “Amber it’s been few years you learning Korean. I know you can do it yourself. Just… just try to do the assignment yourself, and I will check it later, okay?”

I was silent for a moment, before I stupidly asked, “where are you up to?”

You bit your lower lip, “I’m going to see Minho Oppa. I… I promised him, so… yeah I should go”

That swollen thing in my chest attacked again, “oh”, that was all I could say.

“I’ll see you later… to check your assignment. Okay?”

I nodded, “okay”, I said faintly.

Something wasn’t right in me. I shouldn’t have felt something like that…… jealousy… we were just best friends, and best friends aren’t jealous are they?

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The Confused Girl POV

Sometimes I remembered the days we have spent when we were younger, some of them were cute, and some were . I remember when I felt your jealousy for the first time. It was cute and at the same time. I were about to hang out with Minho Oppa, yeah, I thought he was an interesting guy. We were getting closer since we were in the same program—we made a perfect match.

But then you appeared with your black backpack, you were waiting for me to go home with you as usual. You had a Korean assignment and asked me to help you. I told you that you could do it yourself, you needed to be confident to improve your Korean anyway. You asked me where would I go, I told you the truth, and your expression changed. I could feel it, something was a little bit different. You acted so different, there was something you didn’t like to hear, something you didn’t want to know.

“Okay”, I could barely hear your voice.

“Take care, Am, I’ll call you later”, I tapped your back before you left.

Just like I said before, I became a fool since the first time I met you. My logic sometimes didn’t work properly, Amber, I didn’t know why. Just like that time, Minho Oppa and his driver were already there to pick me up. But do you know what did I do?

“Minho oppa, I am so sorry. I just remembered that I have something to do”

“Ooh… is that so”

“Is it okay if I’m not going with you today? But I will make it up on the other day, I’ll tell you when”

I could see a little disappointment in his face, “well…… okay, just make sure you take care of your self, and tell me when you’re free”

“Okay”, I smiled to him, “see you on the set."

“See you”

Just as Minho oppa left, I called you and asked where were you. I told you that I cancelled my date with Minho oppa, and I could hear that, your voice in relieve. Fortunately you were in a coffee shop nearby, I didn’t need to walk too far. You were there, sitting with a cup of frozen milk tea—your favorite one—but it seemed like you hadn’t drunk it much. You played with your pen, seemed clueless, as usual.

“Hey”, I took a seat right in front of you.

You narrowed your eyes, “why did you cancel your date?”

I grabbed your milk tea and sipped it, “I can go with him next time. Come on, give me your assignment”

I checked you assignment, well, you hadn’t done anything yet though, so we finally did it together.

“Done”, I closed your book and gave you my silly smile.

You smiled faintly, something was still not right. I could sense it, I could see it in your eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“………sorry…..”

“Sorry? What for?”

“I made you cancelled your date”

“It wasn’t you. I chose to be with you here. Uuhh because I think I can go with Minho Oppa next time, I just didn’t feel like it”

“………. I always rely everything on you”

“……… and?”

“I should live my own life, I’m not 15 anymore now”

“…… Amber what’s wrong with you… everything’s fine don’t overthinking”

“No, Krys. It’s not fine. I’m too attached to you. It’s not even right”

“………………………”

“I hate it”

I stared at you with confused look.

“I hate it when you’re busy. I… I want you to be with me. I hate it when you’re with someone else…… some other guys…”

I didn’t believe what you said, I was so speechless, I had no idea what did you mean.

“That’s not fine right?”

I stayed silent.

“I’m sick of it. I want to get some rest. I should live my own life. Living in foreign country is indeed hard, but it doesn’t mean I should make your life hard too”

“…… Am… it's not like that”

“I should be independent. Don’t make me rely on you forever, Krystal Jung”

“………………………………”

“You know what… I feel like I want to get a rest for a moment, and once I get back here, I’ll be the real Amber. My parents said I was so friendly back then, I had a lot of friends when I was in LA, I was a silly cheerful person, that’s the real me……… I miss the real me”

After you said everything in the coffee shop, we became so awkward to each other on the next days. Until few days later you got leg injury because of an accident, and just like what you wished, they sent you back to LA.

I spent days without you, it made me realized how much I missed you. It wasn’t only you who relied on me, so did I.

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Next chapter: Flashback: You came back with the real you, and It all started