The Clueless Person POV

You and I were not teenagers anymore. We were still really young, but we’ve passed 18 already. We could use our logic properly, and we had our own priority. Holding my feeling is indeed really torturing, but torturing things would keep coming in life, so don’t worry—I kept saying it to my self. You and I should have our own happiness, we couldn’t always rely on each other. Look people, don’t you ever rely your happiness on someone, you should be happy on your own, yes, life lesson from Amber. You’re welcome.

After being so lovey dovey for some moment, you and I decided to stop it. Because we were getting insane, we were drowning to never-ending-butterfly-feeling. It was not a good situation because; 1. You and I were not just two persons who were attached to each other, but we were also partners in work, having ‘that kind’ of feeling might cause unprofessionality; 2. What would we expect? Being lovers? No matter how manly I look, I’m still female, so are you. They called it ‘g*y’ here, yes they have those label thingy, and they would curse us like we have a deadly disease.

Well, that was my logic said, but what my heart said?

I loved you. I liked you, a lot. It was like I’ve never liked someone this much. And now, could you imagine how torturing was it? There was a war between my logic and my heart.

But we did it, Krys. After few months later we finally got used to it. We were still friends, good friends, without being too chummy as usual. Our members and other people around us found it weird because we used to act like lovers to each other.  They might think something bad happened to us, well they were not wrong. I still did my best to be your best friend though. But I tried to treat you like I treated my other friends. Sometimes I saw something like ‘missing’ in your eyes when you looked at me, but I should do that, I couldn’t make you special anymore.

It took some hard times but finally I wasn’t focus on my feeling for you anymore. I sank my mind on music, skate board, and some other creativity things. After I learned how to compose and make good music, I learned how to shoot good video and pictures. I even helped our senior to make video music, and I loved that. I rarely texted you personally, we usually communicated to each other in our group chat.

And I knew about that from the group chit-chat.

You got a new boy friend. Not to mention that the new boyfriend of yours was way cooler than your ex. He was handsome, and as an idol I may say he was different from other male idols. Plus he was a member of an exclusive boy group in Korea. I hated that, Jung Chrystal Soo.

I sank to my stupidity again. Because I was jealous, really really jealous. My jealousy attacked my heart and mind like those planes hit the towers on 9/11. I was really mad, but why would I mad? I was just a friend.

The worst thing was, we were preparing for a group comeback that time.

As usual, we met almost everyday for our comeback preparation. It was hard for me to be okay when I needed to talk to you, but I did try my best. We acted like good friends and under-control. I always shouted to my heart and mind ‘dude it’s a comeback preparation please don’t think about anything else’. And you know what is the worse than a comeback preparation? Yes, promoting schedules. Being busy with you in a work activity was not a good idea. I felt that swollen thing in my heart again every time I saw you busy with your phone. You must texted him, or called him.

Don’t call me Amber if I can’t hide my fckin feeling. Yes I tried to be okay all the time, I joked around and was being silly as usual. I’d let you know that I was okay. I didn’t want you to know what I actually felt.

I was busy with my own thought it made me didn’t realize what actually happened to our group. I was busy thinking of me and you, I was busy hiding my feeling and my jealousy. Until I got a big news that our member Sulli was caught on dating with Cz sshi. I stupidly reacted ‘Oh No’ on twitter, but as I realized I shouldn’t have done that, I immediately erased that tweet. Stupid idiot Amber, what was I doing? What happened to me?

Right after the scandal Sulli rarely joined us on the stage. Again, I didn’t really realize about that. I was busy on my own, I was busy finding a way to eliminate my feeling for you, and the way was; I needed to find a girl friend, yes I decided it. The girl’s name was E, I’ve met her before with her group but a friend of mine introduced her personally to me. She was pretty enough and my friend said she liked me. Well, as a Korean I thought that girl was very open minded, or was I too cool?

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The Confused Girl POV

I knew that we’ve decided it, and we did it. We were totally like friends, no more chummy and cheesy things between us. You looked totally moved on, because when I told you guys that I had a relationship with T, you congratulated me, like it was okay for you. Okay, I didn’t mind about that, that was what we wanted, to forget about our nonsense feeling to each other. But as a friend, I guessed you didn’t care about me anymore. You just joked around with me, you never asked about my condition. Yes I honestly still needed your attention Amber.

My sister decided to leave the agency or the company kicked her out, I didn't know, but I knew that I wasn’t okay with that. It happened when we were preparing our come back and we met almost everyday, but you never asked about it not even once. I mean it was like the world reacted about my sister's leaving but there was no  hint you knew about that.  I waited for you to ask me if I was okay. I waited for you to tell me that everything would be okay. I was indeed stupid, I shouldn’t have sought for your attention, I had a boy friend already, so sometimes I called him or I visited him when I didn’t have schedules just to share my thoughts with him. But it didn’t help much, I still wanted you to comfort me. If only you knew my reason for choosing him to be my boy friend, Amber, if only you knew…

I had a very hard time after my sister left the agency, I know we were not even in same group and our schedules always separated us. But I was there because of my sister, I was a part of the agency because of her. I thought about leaving that agency too but my sister said,

“You’re not a kid anymore. You have your own life and career, so stop being my follower. You’re doing well with your group. And plus, your bonding with your members are no joke, don’t leave them because of me. Kick that agency’s a$s with your success, make them to pay you loafs of money and make them poor without you, make them beg to you because you’re the one who can give them money. Got it?”

And because of that I was still there. My sister was right, I loved our members like I love my own sisters. Well I didn’t love you that way, okay I didn’t wanna talk about my love for you.

It was such a shock when our managers and mentor gathered us in a meeting room. Sulli had been absent for our promoting stages after her scandal with her boy friend. Yes, poor us. Being idol means you have no privacy here in Korea. We can’t easily do anything we want, we’re ruled by people thoughts.

“We cut our promoting periods”, our mentor stated.

The members shared confused look to each other.

“But why?”, Vic unnie asked.

“Because the promotion doesn’t really work good. And our friend, Sulli, is in serious talk”

“Wait, what do you mean?”, it was Vic unnie again.

“The company is considering her existence in this group”

I was shocked. I even gapped my mouth. First was my sister, now they wanted to kick Sulli out.

“I’m sorry mentor nim but why would the company consider her existence? Is it about the scandal? We can just cover it up and pretend nothing happened, the company did that to other idols, you even succeed covering my scandal with Cm sshi. Why don’t we do that to our Sulli?”

“It’s her Victoria sshi”, our managed finally spoke, “Sulli, she’s the one who decided to leave”

We all went silent. No one said anything. I felt like I really wanted to cry. Sulli was my friend since we was really young, I thought she loved us, why did she want to leave?

My eyes suddenly stopped on you. I thought you were as sad as I was, but you were busy with your phone you even smiled a bit. What on earth happened to you Amber? You changed a lot, you didn’t seem like Amber that we used to know.

The shocking meeting had finished. Our mentor and managers left the room. Victoria unnie was still silent, looked like she still didn’t believe it. We’ve promised to stay together until we’re old, we are not just members of the group, but we’re like family. Luna unnie wiped her eyes, she might tear a bit because she gets emotional easily.

“See you on other schedule guys, we’ll talk about it later. I need to talk to Sulli first”, Vic unnie stood up. She tapped Luna unnie’s shoulder, “it’s okay, don’t worry. Let’s go I’ll drive you home”

“Shall we go too?”, you asked as Vic unnie and Luna unnie left.

I stared at you in silence, I felt like I really hated you that time.

“What?”

“…… you didn’t pay any attention at the meeting, do you even know what happened?”

You chuckled, “come on Krys, Sulli won’t leave. They will find a way and Sulli won’t be leaving, don’t worry”

“How if she will?”

“No, trust me”

“Why would I trust you? Do you know my sister left already? Oh… I think you don’t know, it wasn’t a big news though”

“……… Krystal… I know… but…”

“But you don’t care? Why would you care anyway? You barely know my sister, she’s not even your friend”

“Krystal stop! Why are you like this?”

I stared you deeply, no, not with love, now you could see the disappointment in my eyes, “I know we need to limit our feeling, but it doesn’t mean we lose our care especially for the group”

“Who..who said I don’t care about the group??”

I shook my head, “you busy on your own Amber, you were busy with your phone and smiled like an idiot during the meeting”

“Oh yeah? Like you’re never busy with your phone texting  and calling your boy friend huh? So what if I do the same?”

I almost didn’t believe what I heard, “so you’re busy texting and calling your girl friend huh? You got a girl friend already?”

“What if I did? Everyone has right to be happy, Krys”

No, I wouldn’t cry, I wouldn’t cry in front of you, “o..okay… I got it”, I grabbed my bag and stepped away from you. My chest hurt so much. I felt jealous sometimes when you were with your friends, but this time was different. It hurt so much, I couldn’t even explain it.

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Next Chapter: Flashback: Let it go, Let it flow

Teaser:                                 “I won’t leave you, not anymore. I’m sorry”