The Clueless Person POV

 

It was almost two weeks since our last meeting in your house. We decided to be focus on working. You told me to not to think about anything else but my solo mini album. I promised you to do my best so yeah I tried my best on my first solo music. Everything went good, we texted and called very often, as friends of course. My relationship with E still didn’t get any better. Well, you told me to apologize to her, and I did. But she still didn’t want to see me, well, it did make sense, she must felt broken after what I said. I was very sorry, but I couldn’t take my words back.

The photo teasers for my solo music were finally out, I didn’t tell you but you suddenly called me.

“You look like a naughty little boy!”, you sounded very excited. I was in Korea but you were abroad to do some work.

“What? Where?”

“Your teasers, stupid. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well I know you’ll see it although I didn’t tell you haha… but I do look good right?”

“Um… well… you look ok”

“Why don’t you wanna tell me that I look good?”

“Ok means good right?”

“Yeah kay whatever”

“Hey, Am”

“Yes?”

“How’s E?”

“Uhh… no progress”

“Try to see E, and say sorry to her directly”

“…… I went to her dorm, she didn’t want to see me”

“……… it’s okay, at least you tried. Anyway don’t let anything ruin your focus on your solo, E will see you when she feels better”

“Yeah”

“When will your MV be released?”

“Soon, Princess. I’ll tell you when it’s out, and don’t forget to buy my album”

“Naaah…Why would I?”

“Because it’s aweeeeesooooome”

You giggled, your giggling sounded very cute as usual, “Amber, I need to go back to work, I’m gonna hang up okay?”

“Okay. Eat well and get enough rest”

“Okay, you too”

“And don’t forget to miss me”

“Errr…… I’ll think about it”

I laughed, “bye Princess Jung”

“Bye stupid”

 

 

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The Confused Girl POV

 

You looked hella cute and handsome. Okay I was talking about your photos for your first solo mini album. I didn’t say it directly to you because…… It’s just not me. But I knew my expression was like a stupid teenager who saw a picture of her idol when I saw your photo teaser. I even smiled while bit my lip. ‘Don’t let anyone see you like this Jung Soojung’, I told my self.

I felt like flying back to Korea already. I couldn’t wait to see you, I missed our silly conversation. How I wished I could miss my boyfriend the way I missed you. Life would be easy if you weren’t out of the borders, they said. We hadn’t crossed the borders, well, we almost did, but we held back because of some priorities.

Sometimes I’m confused, oh wait, I always am confused, I’m confused why do I always see you as someone who could make me feel very comfort? I feel all ease when you’re around, I can be the real I am when I’m with you. You’re a friend, a best friend, an older that I can rely on, a lover who hugs me and gives me butterflies feeling, an enemy who annoys me every time, a dork who can make me laugh like a crazy woman, you’re everything I need.

 

My phone suddenly rang, it was T. I mentally face palmed as I realized I haven’t called him for two days, well I never forgot to text him though.

“Hi, oppa”, I answered.

“Are you busy?”

“I am about to take some photo shoot”

“Oh”

“I’ll call you later, okay?”

“You aren’t taking photo shoot like for 24 hours are you?”, he chuckled bitterly, I sensed something bad was coming, “why do you rarely call me, Soojunga?”

“…… I’m sorry. But I always text you, don’t you read them?”

“I did. But it’s not enough for me. Soojung, you and I are celebrity, we rarely meet, we rarely have quality time, but at least we can try our best to communicate”

“Oppa, we’ll talk about it later. I need to work. And for your information I never get bothered when you’re busy and don’t have any chance to call or text me”

“Because I’m not as important as you are to me”

“……… I’ll call you later”, I hung up.

Phew. It was my fault, I knew it was my fault. I didn’t even know why did I do that. T, he might be right, I didn’t care about him as much as he cared about me. Trust me, that wasn’t what I wanted when the first time I accepted his confession, I really wanted to try to love him. Look at him, which girl doesn’t like a guy like him? I liked him, I liked him, that was all I could say. And even it was hard for me to admit it, but the worst reason why I still let T stay as my boyfriend because……… if I was single…… I was afraid I couldn’t control my self to stay be friends with you. I was such a pathetic egoist, I shouldn’t have hurt someone else’s feeling for my own sake.

 

“Jung Soojung, are you ready?”

“Uh? Yeah… Uhh… manager oppa, what’s the concept of the photos? Should I smile a lot?”, I lazily asked.

“No, the concept is cool and chic”

“Oh, good then”

“Yaa… what happened to you?”

I sighed, “I don’t feel like smiling”

 

 

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The Clueless Person POV

 

That was my very first solo activity as a singer/rapper. I was very nervous on my first stage as solo singer but my family, friends, members, and you of course, kept supporting me so yeah I finally did it and I didn’t expect many people would like my song although I wasn’t with my group, I was beyond happy. I spent my time for doing promotion show and being guest star in some TV and radio shows. My business made me somewhat forgot about E. She still didn’t contact me, but I promised my self I would go to see her once I had free schedule.

And I finally got one, my manager said I only had one radio interview that day so I planned to see E. I reached my cell phone and dialed her number before I drove my car to her dorm. I thought she wouldn’t pick up my call because right after the incident she always rejected my call, but unexpectedly she answered.

“Hallo”

“E? Hey… How are you?”

“Good enough”

“Where are you? Can I see you?”

She told me that she was in her dorm, alone, because her group was in free schedule and the other members weren’t at the dorm. I immediately drove to her dorm.

She herself opened the door for me as I got her dorm. That was so awkward, I said hi to her but she didn’t reply. I was just standing there for a moment before she asked,

“Do you want to come in?”

And I finally sat with her at the terrace of her dorm. There was no anyone but us.

“I really am sorry, really”, I was the one who talked first.

E chuckled bitterly, “what for, Amber? You were just being honest”

“…… I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

“I know”

I stared at her, “look E, you’re not a meaningless person to me, I really do care about you”

E glanced back at me, “As what? A sister? A friend? I don’t remember you ever say something romantically to me. You did say how much I mean to you, you even called me as your other half, but it can be anything. It can be sister, best friend, or lover”

I just shut my mouth, because she was right. Yes she meant a lot to me, we did create many good moments together, but I wasn’t brave enough to state as what she meant to me.

“You even never say you like me. I was such an idiot because I was waiting for a confession”, she whispered, “you know what Amber, I thought I can make you like me, even slowly, but I think I need to stop now. I was there when you needed someone, now my role as someone you needed has ended”, E stared at me deeply, “I let you go”

“………… it’s not like that. We can be together, we can be…”

“Friends?”

I faintly nodded.

E smiled bitterly, “so you really consider me as a friend only?”

“E… Look when it’s about feeling…”

“I see. You don’t need to tell me those words again, just don’t hurt me for the second time”

“…… I’m sorry…”

 

 

 

I walked to my room lazily. I was really tired although I didn’t have so many schedules. My mind, my mind was tired as fk. E, she was a very complicated girl. My head ached just because thinking of her. But after I talked with her, I felt more relieve, no matter what she said I’d try to build good communication with her. I couldn’t force her to stay with me, it wasn’t fair for her, but I thought we could still be friends. I shouldn’t have involved E to my complicated love life, I shouldn’t have involved anyone to make me forget about you. Just see? No matter how hard I’ve tried to forget about my feeling for you, there’s always way that guides me to you again. It wasn’t your fault though.

I let out a deep sigh, “this is life Amber”, I said to my self.

 

 

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The Confused Girl POV

 

Everything was too complicated to be thought, so I decided to think about my work only. I was still busy doing photo shoots for magazines, filming a drama and some commercials, I also got offered to be casted in Chinese drama—I was studying the scenario and plot of the drama. I met T sometimes if he asked me to, but we were a little bit awkward to each other lately. I didn’t care, or yes I decided not to care about that kind of stuffs. I didn’t want to be stressed out by something meaningless. Yes, I wasn’t in the mood to do useless things. I’ve grown to be more mature I guessed.

I spent more times to work and if I had free times I’d spend it with my family and friends. I wasn’t in the mood to do lovey dovey things, not only with T, even with you, Amber. But yes you were never out of my mind, we texted everyday or you sometimes gave me a call, but we just joked around and asked each other’s condition. We didn’t do anything romantically. Of course we didn’t. We were not even lovers. And you always knew what I needed, you knew that doing romantic things would just bother my mind, you knew that I needed to be chill. You know everything about my feeling as if you’re really staying in my heart, that’s why you always are my comfort zone.

I was surprised and happy at the same time when our manager told me we would have a meeting to talk about our come back as f(x). I couldn’t wait to know the concept of our up coming come back, I couldn’t wait to pick the songs and learn the moves. And one thing I couldn’t wait the most was the news from Sulli. I hoped our manager would give good news about her. Again, you promised to pick me up to attend the meeting of our come back preparation, you were such a silly stupid person when you called me and said,

“I will go to your house with my skateboard then we’ll drive your car to the agency, after that I’ll drive you home with your car, and finally I’ll go home with my skateboard again”

“Amber, that is not efficient for you, we know your apartment is closer to the agency”

“I know. But I wanna skateboarding”

“Okay stupid, do whatever you want”

“Just wait for me I’ll be there in 30 minutes”

“Okay”

And just after 35 minutes later you finally appeared behind my door with your silly smile.

“5 minutes late”, I mumbled.

“Oh come on it’s only 5 minutes”, you answered. You stomped your feet on your skateboard—made it stood up—you sprightly caught it. I liked that chill yet masculine gesture of yours.

“Here”, I handed you the key, “you drive”

“Will do, Princess”

I immediately stepped out of my door.

“Wait, I haven’t met your mom or dad”

“They aren’t home”, I replied without bothering to turn to you.

I was already stood next to my car, waited for you while watched you coldly. I wasn’t mad, I was just in the mood to act cold to you so.. yup.

You unlocked my car and opened the door for me, “I beg you a smile, your highness”, you joked.

I forced an ugly smile on my face.

“That was cute tho”, you said, and I just rolled my eyes.

 

We were already in my car—on our way to the agency. You drove happily. You kept singing some random songs, you even whistled. But I was just reading my book silently.

“Ya dooddungie”, you finally initiated to talk to me.

“Mm”

“Why are you so silent?”

“…………”, I kept busy reading my book.

“You aren’t mad are you?”

“Mmm no”, I was paying attention to an interesting sentence in the book I read.

“… it’s been a while since the last time we met though”

I put my index finger in my chin, tried to understand the meaning of the sentence.

“Hey Krystal… don’t you miss me?”

“Oh my God Amber…”, I finally closed my book. I was glaring at you and your expression was like a little scared puppy, “I’m reading can’t you see?”

“……fine… go… read again. I will just…… sing… yeah”

I sighed, “my mood to read has gone away”

“Oh I knew that song. It’s Michael Jackson’s song right? The title is ‘gone away’, it’s a sad song thou”

I glared at you lazily, “it’s ‘gone too soon’, not ‘gone away’”

You grinned stupidly, “I know right.. I was just checking your knowledge about music”

“Whatever”, I rolled my eyes again.

“Hey Krys you know what? Jackie video called me last night, it was mid night here in Korea she knew that”, you started to tell me your silly story again and you looked excited as usual, “when I accepted her call I saw a ghost on my cell phone screen! I was like ‘What the heck!?’ it was Jackie you know?! She used make up like a female ghost to creep me out!”

I finally couldn’t help it anymore. I laughed. I couldn’t imagine your scared face, it must be very funny.

“I was screaming ‘SH*T’ and threw my phone away hahahahahaha I even called Jackjack and my new kitty Tuna, I was like ‘Jackjack Tuna where the heck are you?! SLEEP WITH ME NOW!!’”

And I was laughing out loud. The Amber who always has thousands of silly yet funny stories would always find a way to shoo my bad mood away.

We finally arrived at the agency. I hugged Vic unnie and Luna unnie as we met them in the meeting room, how I missed them. If f(x) was in hiatus, I rarely met them, well sometimes if we had free schedules we arranged to meet up just to have chitchat but we became very busy lately. Actually, Sulli was the one whom I met more often even we were not in work schedule, but still there was no news about her.

We were joking around when the door suddenly cracked, it was our mentor, our managers, and……… Sulli.

“Sulli aaaaah”, we shouted happily like little kids as we saw her. But honestly I sense something bad about her appearance.

Just as I thought, our manager told us that Sulli wanted to say something to us. We sat together—made a circle shape. The atmosphere was so tensed.

Sulli started to talk. She apologized to us, she said she missed us. I glanced at Luna unnie, she had tears in her eyes already. Finally Sulli stated that she no longer could be a part of us. I was shocked. I had no idea how I reacted. My eyes were wet, but I didn’t realize if I was crying. I didn’t feel anything but the feeling of losing. I thought our bond was so tight. Sulli was like my twin, I loved her. I knew being a celebrity was indeed very hard, moreover Sulli and I started our career since we were too young. I could understand her feeling, she wanted to be free just like the other young girls.

Sulli hugged us goodbye before she left. She told us that she would not forget us as her family. She told us that she loved us. She told me she would meet me anytime she wants, we would still be best friends. She made us promise to be way better after her leaving, she made us promise to be more success after her leaving, and we promised.

 

I may look like I never give a damn about anything. I always look expressionless and cold. But deep inside my mind I never stop thinking. My sister said I even think about nonsense or unimportant things. I think about what will people think about me, why do they hate me, did I do anything wrong? Did I do it well? Will I give the best? And stuffs like that. Chrystal Soojung is actually a kid who is worried about anything. After Sulli’s leaving I couldn’t stop thinking about f(x) future. Would our fans still like us? Could we make it without Sulli? The older ones kept encouraging me to do the best, they kept saying that we were going to make it.

I tried my best to look okay when I was with them, but I couldn’t hide my worries when there were just the two of us, you and me. As usual, you always could handle me. That was why I spent more time with you during the come back preparation because you were the one who could comfort me and gave me positive energy. Although we spent more time together lately, but I was like… totally forgot about my love life, I only thought about our career’s future. Unlike you who could always adapt with my mood, T couldn’t understand the situation I had to face, he couldn’t understand that I had priorities to do. He kept complaining because we rarely went for a date. Sometimes I could understand his feeling so I just went to see him in his apartment or I let him picked me up then brought me to a certain place. But I couldn’t always do what he wanted. I wasn’t a mother who had a baby right? T was way older than me but he acted like a love-sick teenager.

On the other side, it had always been ‘dangerous’ if I spent moments with you too much. It always guided me to that feeling again, yes, the feeling that never faded. I wished after many hard moments we had been through this feeling slowly could be faded, but nope, it never did even just a little. Although we didn’t do any romantic things for such long time, but I still felt the same about you. I sometimes couldn’t control my self when I needed to work with you like when we needed to take picture together I’d naturally look too close to you, I even sometimes put my head on your shoulder or linked my arm to yours. I didn’t even realize it until the photos were ready to be released. I mentally face palmed as I saw them.

 

 

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The Clueless Person POV

 

Our next come back finally was about to out. We were so nervous. There were just the four of us now so we kept encouraging each other. As the little one, you looked very nervous and panic, so Vic unnie kept comforting you like a mother.

Our fans were the greatest fans as ever. Their excitement didn’t change even Sulli wasn’t with us anymore. We kept lurking around through instagram and twitter to see their reaction after we released our MV and album. The online selling result was no joke, it was very amazing. Just after we released our new album we finally were back to do stage come back. We were very nervous, we even were not that nervous when we did our debut stage. And yeah, we finally won for our come back music stage. I didn’t plan to cry, nah, but just like what I expect, Luna cried, and it was a surprise when I saw you cried—you didn’t even cry when we received the winning trophy for the first time—so………it also made me cried.

Our bond as f(x) became even stronger than before, I could feel it. I enjoyed every moment we spent during our come back promotion. It was the most fun moment of working with f(x) since 2009.

Spending time too much time with you wasn’t actually good idea because it would grow ‘that’ feeling again. Yeah because my feeling for you had never changed, even we were not so chummy anymore. How I wished I could see you the way I see Luna, but I couldn’t. You were always more than that in my heart, it sounded disgustingly cheesy but that was the fact.

 

I tried my best to chill everytime you said you would go to see you boyfriend, well no matter how much I wanted to prevent you but I couldn’t right? Unfortunately I accidentally read your chat with him. It was written on your phone screen ‘I miss you. I’m home now. I know you’re busy but can you please sleepover just for one night? I miss you so bad’, it was him. What the heck?! Did he just ask you to sleep with him? I couldn’t concentrate doing anything. I didn’t tell you that I—without on purpose—read your chat with him. I had no idea how to tell you to not to go. Should I just let you go to see him?? Hell no. it wouldn’t happen. Sleepover. No. big no Krystal Jung.

 

“Bye everyone, see you tomorrow”, my eyes went wide as I heard you bid goodbye. Where did you think you were going??

“Ya Jung Soojung!”

You turned to look at me confusedly.

I immediately approached you, “where are you going?”

You thought for a moment, “I’m going home”

“Really? Are you sure? You aren’t lying are you?”

You furrowed your brows, “what’s wrong with you??”

“Wait here I’m gonna get my stuffs”

“Wait..what do you mean?!”

“I’ll drive you home”

“Manager Oppa will drive me home”

I looked at our manager. I grabbed the key in my pocket then I gave it to him, “you drive my car home okay? Love you”, I bro-hugged him before left to get my stuffs.

“Hey Amber!”

I ignored you. I wouldn’t let T-dude touching you, okay, he probably touched you already, but I didn’t know. It’d be better if I didn’t know because if I knew, I wouldn’t let it happen.

“Come on Krys”, I was ready with my stuffs.

You stared at me, you looked pissed.

“Come on”, I told you again.

You stood up and looked at me in the eyes, “Tell me what’s wrong with you”

“I just want to drive you home what’s so wrong with that?!”, I didn’t realize that I talked with such high tone, because I was emotional.

Everyone turned to us. And you looked even more pissed.

“Koala, Soojunga, what happened?”, Luna asked.

“N…nah… we bickered as usual”, I grinned at her before I looked at back to you, “let’s go to your car”

“Okay I’m telling you the truth now. You don’t need to get in my car, you don’t need to drive me home, because I’m not going home”, you stopped few seconds before you continued, “I’m going to see T”

I gulped. My head felt hotter than before. Both my head and my chest were going to explode.

“Then I’ll drive you there”, I tried to sound not-emotional.

“Amber?! Are you nuts?”, you let deep sigh, “we talk in my car”

I followed you walked toward your car. I was actually mad because you didn’t need to lie to me if you wanted to see him. But I felt like I didn’t really have the right to be mad at you.

“Let me drive your car”, I told you as we about to get in your car.

“You are not going to drive me anywhere. We just talk for a moment, because I need your explanation”

“I need your explanation why did you lie to me?”

“…what?”

“You told me you want to go home, why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

You looked away, “Fine, I’m sorry”

“If you’re sorry then let me drive you there”

You stared at me in disbelief, “what?? Amber why would you drive me there? Tell me why??”

“Just let me drive please Krystal, I won’t do anything, I just want to drive you”

“……………… okay. But promise me you will go home after you drive me there. Don’t make any trouble Amber for Godsake, I know you are not like that. You are not usually like this”

I finally nodded. I’d do anything to make you let me drive you there. I wouldn’t let you sleepover with him.

We were very silent on our way to T’s apartment. I was busy finding a way to prevent you seeing him and you just talked to me when you needed to tell me which way should I go. After few minutes driving we finally arrived.

You took off your belt, and looked at me, “we’re here. Now you may go home. Call taxi center to pick you here, or call manager oppa, I’ll wait here with you till they arrive”

I just stayed silent.

“Amber, do you hear me?”

I turned to you—stared at you in the eyes, “…if I ask something to you…… will you do it for me?”

“…………… what do you mean Amber”

“Krys… can you…… can you not going to see him?”

“…………………………………………………”

“I know I… this is wrong… I should not ask you this, and I’ve never asked you to not to see your boyfriend but…”

“I promised him, Am. I haven’t seen him since we were busy with our come back. If only I didn’t promise, I would do what you want”, you put your palm on my hand, “I’m sorry I just can’tbreak my promise. I’ll see you tomorrow”

I stayed silent.

“Drive my car to your apartment. I’ll ask manager oppa to pick me up, or T will drive me home. Okay? Drive safely”, you tapped my cheek.

I felt like I wanted to hold your wrist to make you stay. But it was too hard for me to make you stay, I had no right. You finally were about to get off the car. You already opened the door…

“Krystal!”, I let my voice out from my heart, “Don’t go… Don’t go to him”

“…… Amber…”

“I want to talk to you, now”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll tell you why I don’t want you to go, just please stay”

You finally closed the door again. You stared at me, waited for my explanation.

“It wasn’t on purpose”, I started to talk, “I … … I’m sorry… I saw his text message”

You looked at me in disbelief, “how could you??”

“...... I was behind you when you read his text”

You looked away with sigh.

“I don’t want you to sleepover in his apartment”, I said it firmly, made you paid attention to my eyes again.

“You may slap me now or shout to me that it’s not my right to say it. I’m nothing but a friend, I know. B…but I just can’t let you because I knew about it. Knowing that you would go sleepover with your boyfriend…I… I just can’t let you… my heart forced me to prevent you to go”, I took a deep breath before I continued, “Because I love you”

“……………………………………………………………………………”

 

 

 

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Next Chapter: Flashback: Busted

Teaser:

“What’s so wrong for being honest, Soojunga?”

 

“Amber wait!”

“… Here, slap me if you want”

“Who says I wanna slap you, stupid”