AUTHOR: SILVER_LIGHT STORY TITLE: OFFICE ROMANCE.

Title (6/10): The title is simple, but it does not catch the attention right away. It sort of gives away the entire premise, right? It’s an office AU story; therefore, the title is just “Office Romance.” Your readers can already tell what it is about. There is no mystery to the title or to the story. Remember, the title is usually the first thing that readers see when they look for stories. You’d want a title that is catchy and mysterious--something that would make the readers want to click the link to see what it is about. Furthermore, the title seems a bit off-topic from the actual story. Sure the premise that they are boss and secretary are there, but the setting of the story or the story itself does not take place in the office. This title can mislead your readers since the setting is different.

Characterization (7/10): Taeyeon- Taeyeon’s character seems to be a little dull. She’s your usual shy-type heroine that goes with the flow of the plot. She does not exhibit a complexity with her character. I know developing a character in a one-shot is hard work, but good characters are complex in nature. They involved many layers [insert Shrek talking about onion layers]. Taeyeon simply goes through the story, usually providing comments, but ultimately, Taeyeon does not change anything of her environment, self, or another person. For instance, when the topic of staying the night came up, she said that she could stay with one of her friends. When it was revealed that the friend is a girl, she did not fight to stay with her friend and instead simply gave in to spending the night with Baekhyun. You would want a character that moves your plot and creates changes. There should be a development within her that comes through the struggles in the plot. Furthermore, the only information that we know about Taeyeon is that she is Baekhyun’s secretary, she is from Hongdae, she likes Baekhyun, and she’s good at cooking. Apart from these points, information about her is sparse. I think more details about her life and her personality could have enhanced her character. Baekhyun- Now, where do I start with Baekhyun? I believe Taeyeon said it herself that Baekhyun is sort of bipolar. You’re not really sure what he would do next or what he would say. There doesn’t seem to be a consistency to his mood and behavior. He’s angry one second then trying to be cute the next. This attitude would work with someone who really is bipolar, but for people who do not have this condition, a sudden rage then cool attitude is not possible without some type of transition or outside factor. Perhaps you can drop hints for an explanation of his changes in attitude. Why does he suddenly get angry? How does he turn soft the next moment? What experiences shaped his personality or behaviors?.

Themes (7/10): As I’ve already mentioned before, there seems to be a disjunct between the thought of an “office AU,” but the story is not centered around the office. This misleading theme can make your readers confused on how the elements of work or a corporate office affects the story or the dynamics of the relationship. Remember, the theme is the main idea or feel of your story. Always make sure that your theme ties in with everything in your story. If you say that you’re going to write a high school AU, make sure that the story actually takes place in high school and uses high school drama to influence the plot.

Setting (6/10): As for the setting, I’ve noticed that your setting changes often throughout the story, but there aren’t much details to set the environment around the two. For instance, you mentioned that Baekhyun’s apartment is an average-sized apartment. Apart from this detail, you did not provide any other description of the apartment. Always remember that descriptions of the surroundings can help set the mood and tone of the scene. What did the apartment look like? Was it messy or clean? What were the significant color patterns? Was the apartment spacious? Were the lights in the apartment dim or bright?

Description and Foreword (8/10): Next, you included a quote in your description that was never used in the story. Although, the quote does provide some tension and mystery to the story, your readers can still be confused on the relevance of the quote in your description. I did find one quote (“You are mine and only mine”) that is similar, but the words are still different since the word “forever” carries a different weight. Apart from that, your foreword is neat and you did not place any distracting information on font styles. [By the way, good luck on the writing contest that you entered!].

Writing Style / Techniques (6/10): You tend to tell more than show. What this does is that it takes away the reader's ability to imagine what’s happening and to understand how certain characteristics of a person, place, or thing prove your claims on what they look like. For example, Baekhyun keeps mentioning that Taeyeon’s a goddess or she is perfect, but apart from how she has blonde hair, you did not describe any other characteristic of Taeyeon. What makes her “perfect” or a “goddess”? You can add simple and subtle descriptions throughout your story like this: “As if,” Gale scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest. That movement only made her shirt feel tighter, and she could already feel satisfying, cool air on her midriff. The example here shows how Gale is wearing a tight shirt that might be too small for her. This gives the readers an idea that she likes showing off her body. The tags for some of your dialogues are confusing. These tags can mislead your readers on who is speaking or who is doing what. Take a look at this excerpt from your story: “Do you know,” she gulped, taking his words slowly on at a time, he continued “how much I want to--” (Part 3) Because you included both Taeyeon and Baekhyun in your tag, your readers can become confused on who is speaking. The tag in a dialogue is the “he said” or “she said.” You should clarify your tags so that your readers know who is speaking or who is doing what. Here are examples: “I don’t want to go there,” Gale huffed, crossing her arms. Dean sighed, watching the girl’s silent tantrum. He begged, “Just do it for me?” There are some run-ons in your story. These run-ons merge two or more separate ideas into one sentence. You should avoid these run-ons so that your readers can see each separate idea in your sentences. Here is a sentence in your story that has a run-on: “Blood rushed to her face and she turned her face away.” (Part 3) There are two complete ideas in the sentence above: blood rushing to Taeyeon’s face and turning her face away. You can separate these ideas by simply placing a comma before the coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). Here is an example: She took him by the hand, but he did not look her in the eye.

Presentation (10/10): For Presentation, I believe that your poster and layout are simply too cute. The use of bright and happy colors like pinks and blues show the theme of romance and fluff without being too over the top. The two colors balance each other out and give the story a clean feeling. The font size and font style are just right in the sense that they help with easy reading. Good job!

Structure and Flow (7/10): There are parts of the story where some would ask if they are necessary to the story. For instance, the scene where Taeyeon was talking to Chanyeol seemed to drag the story on. It was already presented in the first part that Baekhyun was jealous of Chanyeol, so it can make your readers wonder “Is this necessary?” Another scene is the scene in the elevator. Make sure that when you add a scene, it contributes something to the story. Does the scene present a change in character? Does the scene introduce a new rival? Does the scene add more context to the problem? Does the scene further develop or reveal a certain characteristic or belief of a character?.

Plot (7/10): Your plot lacks a gripping conflict. Without a gripping conflict, your story is flat because there is no room for a revelation or a struggle to address the conflict. For now, your story is simply on how Baekhyun and Taeyeon spent the night in Baekhyun’s apartment, and the two of them admitted their feelings for one another. A reader might ask “So what? What’s the twist or the point?” You should provide a conflict like Man vs. Man, Man vs. Environment, or Man vs. Self. Is the conflict the office rule that prohibits relationships between employees? Does Taeyeon have a problem with Baekhyun’s status as her boss with their relationship? Does Taeyeon struggle with admitting her feelings because she believes that it is wrong? I do have to admit. I found the small twist that Taeyeon did not say “yes” immediately funny. After Baekhyun proposed, I assumed that it would be just like any other story where it was an immediate happy ending. However, you did not fall through with that one and keep it real. Kudos to you!.

Overall Enjoyment (8/10): The first parts of the story were a bit predictable, but the certain change of direction in the latter parts did catch my attention. I enjoyed the latter parts since they did add more to Taeyeon’s character.

Overall Score: 72/100
Overall Percentage: 72%
Reviewer's Note: Hey there! Thank you so much for requesting a review! I hope that my review not only gives you a clear critique of your work, but also helps you in improving your current and future works through the tips that I gave you. Don’t look at the grade as a negative mark, but a step to development! It seems that there were some challenges in developing your plot, but I’m sure with a bit of work, you’ll be able to create more plots with depth and gripping conflicts! If you ever find my review too harsh or too nitpicky, don’t be afraid to tell me!
Nerdsnerdsnerds

| STORY | NERDSNERDSNERDS |