Chapter 28: Drifting away

CHANYEOL

I rolled to my side with my eyes closed. My hand is empty. My arms are empty. My chest is empty. I open my eyes, Kana's not here. Did she have a nightmare again?

I jump off the bed and ran to the bathroom but she's not there. I smell something good. I smell food. I walk to the kitchen and there she is cooking breakfast for me. For her husband. And did I mention that she's wearing my shirt? She noticed me as she sings her way around the kitchen and I smile leaning on the counter watching her.

"Hey beautiful." She smiles and placed our food on the table.

"Hello handsome. Hope you're hungry."

"Starving." I grab her waist and kissed her very awesome morning. She makes her way to the other end and I frown.

"Why?"

"Are you seriously sitting there?"

"We always seat facing each other."

"Not anymore. Come here." She stands and picks up her plate. She stops beside me and I grab her plate placing it beside me. I pull her letting her sit on my lap and she laughs. "This is your new seat."

"Well I'm honored to have this one of a kind seat." I smile and stare at her. She's so beautiful I want her again. I pull her close and kissed her. She kisses me back and wraps her arms on my neck. She loves doing this. I feel her smiling and she pulls away. "Let's start eating first. I have a feeling we might skip breakfast."

"I'm fine skipping breakfast."

"You told me you're starving just now."

"Yes, but I have a different craving." She laughs and hits me playfully. She gets off my lap and sits beside me. "Did I already tell you that you look hot on my shirt?"

"No, that's a first."

"Well then keep wearing it. I love that." She shakes her head smiling and we started eating breakfast. This is my first breakfast. With my wife.

- - - - - - - - - - 

KANA

It's been three weeks since Chanyeol and I got married and everything just gets better and better like how he promise to give me all the happiness that I deserve. We expect things to be getting worse as it is because of my illness but shake that, we aren't getting anything from my damn illness. He's been the best husband and man that I know in this world and nothing can shake that. He's perfect. To me and to Soah. I walk my way downstairs after smelling the fragrance of his cooking. He saw me walk down from the stairway and smiles.

"Good Morning."

"Good Morning to you too-" I placed my hand to my mouth. I think I'm about to throw up. Is it because I ate a lot last night?

"Kana, you okay?" He asked worried. I nod and put my hand up to him but I feel like throwing up again.

"I'll be back in a sec." I ran to the bathroom and I saw Soah washing her hands on the sink.

"Mommy." She smiles seeing me and I immediately threw up in the toilet. I feel like my stomach is going to break.

"Kana!" Chanyeol rushes and I felt his hand brushing against my back. "Are you okay?" After throwing up, I feel weak so I leaned against him and he takes me to his arms. "Let's get you to bed okay?"

I nod. I think about what's wrong with me. My illness hasn’t been acting up for a while now, is this jinx? He lowers me down to the bed and sighs. He's worried. I open my eyes and Soah is getting worried to. I smile at them telling them I'm fine.

"It's okay you two. I feel okay now. I think it's just-" just then, I felt one possible reason why I'm like this but I still need confirmation. "I'm okay. I'll go down in a bit okay?"

"Are you sure?" Chanyeol asks and I nod. "I'm going to finish cooking. Soah, stay here and look after Mommy okay?"

"Mm." Soah nods and gets into the bed beside me. I hold her closer and she hugs me. "Mommy, is it the illness again?"

"I don't think so Honey."

"Then what's wrong with you Mommy?"

I smile at her and kissed her. "I'm not yet sure Soah. But mommy will promise to tell you soon okay?"

She brightens up with a smile and nods. After a while, we walk downstairs and started eating our breakfast but I think I'm not in the mood to even have breakfast.

- - - - - - - - - - 

I stare at the bathroom door as I clench the pregnancy text on my pocket under white coat. There are two possible things that I may get after I get out of this cubicle. I'm pregnant or I'm not. One of those results can end up to an unexpected one and can end in a bad one.

"Kana, we won't know unless you do it."

"Yes, on what decision to do next, it's up to whether you go inside that cubicle and take the test."

I look back at Meilee and Yoo Mi as they stare at me. I know I told them that they won't have to go in here with me but they have to for support. I sigh and go in as I take the test. I do the rest and went out of the cubicle afterwards. I place the test on the sink and I looked away from it hoping it's not the worst. I know I should not be hoping for this because I'm a married woman with a husband. But I'm no ordinary married woman. I'm someone who is married and is terminally ill.

Meilee takes the test away from the sink and stares at it. Yoo Mi did the same thing too but I don't look at them. I am hoping for the worst. "Kana, do you want to know?"

I chew the side of my cheek in anxiety and leaned on the sink for support. What they're going to say next will define how my life is going to be afterwards. I close my eyes shut and nod. "You need to calm yourself okay?"

"Just... just tell me."

"Kana, you're pregnant." I stand still frozen for a while. I stay like that and I don't think I'm even breathing. But then I exhaled. That means I'm still breathing. "You okay?"

"I don't even know what's okay anymore." I said against my breath. I look at both of them and they're looking at me in worry. "I..I can't be pregnant.. Me being pregnant means I have to stop my meds and.. me being pregnant means I have higher chances of-"

"Shhh.. just let it out for a while okay?" Yoo Mi pulls me to a hug and I started crying. I felt Meilee's hand on mine and she tries to squeeze it trying to make everything easy for me. I don't think it will. Nothing can make anything easy for me now. I was wrong. My life can't get better. It can only get worse.

- - - - - - - - - - 

CHANYEOL

I wait outside of the hospital waiting for Kana to walk out. I stare at the bouquet of lilies as I wait. She's going to love it. The first three weeks of our marriage have been amazing so far and I never expected this to happen. I never expected my life to be more perfect as it is. Things just get better and better. And just when I mentioned that, it's even getting more better at the sight of my wife who's making her way out. She's looking down and I take the chance to surprise her. She stops when she sees me and she looked surprise. I've done surprises twice in my whole existence and they're both for my wife. I've never failed surprising her.

"Hey." I greeted with a smile and gave her the lilies. "Got a little something for you. I saw them on my way here and I remember you liked... them." Her eyes are swollen. Did she cry? "What's wrong? You okay?"

She takes the lilies and hugs me. "Mm. I'm okay.." her voice is hoarse too. I tried to pull away to check on her but she doesn't budge. "I'll be okay.."

"Kana? What's wrong?" I pulled away once more and she's sobbing. "What's wrong? Is it worse?"

"No... Just take me home. I want to go home Chan." She whispers hugging the lilies I gave her. I nod and take her hand as we make our way to my car. I open the door for her and she hops inside and I close the door afterwards. I walk to the other side and got in to the driver's seat. I look back at her and she has her face covered with her hand. My world is starting to sink as I stare longer. I don't want her to be like this and I hate that I don't know why she's being like this.

"Kana hey, I can't take it when you're like this. Please tell me what's wrong-" just then, I can tell she's in pain. "Sh*t Kana!"

"I..It hurts.." she biting her lower lip as she wince in pain. I ran out from the car and to the other side. I took the seatbelt off from her and carried her back inside.

"Pull yourself together. Please!" I exclaimed rushing to the emergency room. Meilee saw me rushing and runs to my direction.

"Oh god! I know this would happen!" She grabs the stethoscope from her neck and place the other end to Kana's chest after I laid her down on the bed. "Call Yoo Mi immediately!" She said to another doctor. She looks at me and her face suddenly downs. "I need you out from here for now Oppa. I'll see you in a few. She'll be okay."

I tried my hardest to distance myself from Kana but being far away from her makes me feel fear. It keeps creeping up to my heart then to my brain. She's been okay for these past few weeks and months. She hasn't been reacting to anything and she's taking her pills to slow down the illness. But why is this happening to her right now?

I hear footsteps getting close. Doctors. They're rushing to the same spot where I brought Kana.

One.

Two.

Three.

Three doctors and one of them was Yoo Mi. She met eyes with me and she stops seeing me. She got the same look just as how Meilee looked at me earlier but then she sends me a reassuring smile.

"She's going to be okay." She disappears and makes her way to the spot where Kana is. I wait. I don't like the same look that they both gave me right now. It makes me even more afraid than I ever thought I can be. If my life gets better and better and I will only end up getting this, I would prefer it that it would stop. I can get the worse of everything than I have now if I have Kana by my side. I know that there might be a possibility that someday I won't see her on my arms after I wake up but I can't still bring myself to accept it. It's hard for me.

I clasp hands together and hope for the best as I wait. I look down on my shoes and stare. I'm blank. I don't feel anything. I'm just glad I don't feel fear anymore. If anything, I don't feel anything. If this is a dream, I would like to wake up now and stare at Kana's smiling face as she stares back to me. I open my eyes and saw shoes in front of me. I look up and it's Yoo Han. He's in his scrubs. I stand up and he gives me the same expression that Yoo Mi and Meilee gave me.

"Don't give me that expression. Everyone's been giving me that right now."

He smiles and we both sat back at the seat. "I won't say the next word that I'm about to say next then. I guess everyone's been giving that to you too." I smile and nod. At last, someone who understands. I can't blame him. I know he offered love to Kana as much as I do. "I'll give you these words then. Hang in there."

"Thanks." I say. Yoo Mi and Meilee walks to our direction and I instantly closed the gap between us out of being impatient. Yoo Han follows from my behind. "How is she?"

"It hurts that you don't trust our competency. You're standing at the best doctors of each department right now oppa." I chuckle looking at the three of them as I sigh in relief.

"I disagree with that statement. Kana is the best in the neurosurgery department. Not this guy right here."

Yoo Han laughs. "He's just being a considerate husband for his wife." He adds and I laugh.

"I know I wanted Kana to tell you this herself but I guess it won't do anything good to her right now Chan." Yoo Mi says. Is this the reason why she's crying? The reason why she's in there right now? I stare at Yoo Mi waiting for more and she shuts her eyes closed as if it pains her to let the words that she's about to say right now cross my ears any second from now.

"It's okay Yoo Mi. Please tell me. I'm her guardian."

She lets out a breath and Meilee gives her a reassuring smile. Yoo Mi nods and she shifted her look back to me. "Kana... she's pregnant."

"W..What?" I can't say anything. Thoughts are coming inside my head. I'm going to be a Dad. A dad of my very own child. A child that has the same blood as mine. I'm too happy right now. "That's... I don't know what to say."

"I know and congratulations." She continues but her expression doesn't change. This is a happy occasion right? Why is everyone frowning? I look at Yoo Han and he looks shocked. Shocked in a negative way. I don't understand the reaction that I am getting from everyone right now.

"What's with all of you?" I asked still confused. I face Yoo Han and grab his arm. He looks away from me avoiding on telling me what's wrong. "Yoo Han? Can you tell me what's wrong?" He shuts his eyes closed like he was in pain and rushed his fingers on his hair. His eyes met mine and he chews his lower lip. "Well?"

"That-" he says pointing at Kana lying on the bed. "S..She can't be pregnant."

I scoff. Is he being jealous again? "Are you jealous just because Kana got pregnant with my child? Are you hating it?!"

"No! That's not it!" He lets out a breath to calm down. "She can't be pregnant because her giving birth will make it difficult with the situation she has right now."

"I.. I don't understand." I let go of his gown and steps back waiting for more as I let fear creep on my again.

"It means the chances of Kana being alive after giving birth to your child is only three percent Chanyeol."

Just minutes ago, I've been wishing that I prefer my life to stop getting better than it is just to have Kana by my side and now I'm getting it only there's a lower chance of having her next to me.