Chapter 27: Say you won't let go

            KANA

For the record of my whole existence in this world, this is the worst and the best feeling that I ever had. I will have my wedding tomorrow and I’m getting anxious as to how it will turn out. We’ve already chose the venue, the reception and also my gown. I smiled remembering the face that Chanyeol made when he saw me in that white dress. Embarrassing it is for him, but he cried. Yes, he cried as much as my mom. They’ve been telling each other “I’m gonna marry that woman. Thank you for giving birth to such an amazing and perfect person.” and “You two are finally getting married.”

I laugh reminiscing the thought. I sat on the bed as I stare at the gown. I’m too happy right now and there’s still twelve hours until I get married. The door opens and Chanyeol comes inside. He leans on the door after he closes it. He’s smiling at me. I’m also smiling at him.

“Hey future wife.” He says. I think I may have to re-check myself on how much I grinned right now. There’s too much to those three words that he just said just now. He walks closer to me and stops when he’s in front of me.

“Hey.” I replied. I maintain my voice as steady as possible so that he won’t tease me for having too much feels again for him.

“Just checking on you. Do you feel okay?”

“Never been better. I think this just adds thirty more days to my lifespan.” He laughs and sits on the bed next to me.

“Then we can get married every day.”

I laugh. I would like that too. Being married to the perfect man that will soon to be my husband in eleven hours and sixteen minutes. Yes that’s precise.

“This is too hard.” He says.

“What is?”

“I want you right here and now. I’m really stopping myself from doing it.”

Oh I want you right now too if you ask. I grin and looked at him. I told him that no passionate touches before the marriage because he almost had me last night and I don’t want anything to happen before us getting married. He’s staring back at me. “Can I just kiss you? It’s hard to resist.”

“I thought I told you that no passionate touches before we get married?”

“I promise I won’t be passionate in kissing you. It will be the most awful kiss that I will give you. But not too awful to the point that you won’t marry me anymore.” He leans closer and I stare at him. He’s provoking me again. It’s hard to resist him right now. He held my cheek and leans closer. “So is it a yes?”

“Can I say something medical?”

“Hell that’s a major turn on Kana. I love it when you talk medical.”

I laughed. “A normal rate of a person’s heartbeat per minute is sixty to a hundred. For someone who has heart difficulties such as me, I think I am experiencing a hundred and forty right now.”

His face turned serious and he stands away from me. “Oh god is that bad?! Shall we go to the hospital right now?!”

I laugh and pulled him back next to me. “No. I’m saying it’s really good. I’m still feeling good even if my heartbeat is at a hundred and forty.”

He sighs in relief as his back falls on the bed. “Damn you. I think I just got a heart attack right now. That scared the hell out of me. I don’t like you scaring me like that.”

“So does that mean you won’t marry me anymore?”

He sits up and lays me down on the bed, getting on top of me. He smiles looking down at me. “Not to that extent Ms. Byun.” He lowers himself and starts kissing me.

No passionate touches.

I kiss him back and wrap my hands around his neck lowering him even more to me. I felt him grin as he continues to kiss me. He pulls away and stared at me with his forehead resting on mine.

“No passionate touches huh?” He asked laughing.

“Did you consider that as one?” I reply looking up.

“No, that was not passionate at all. It’s disgusting to be exact. How about you?”

“I think so too. I almost puked while you kiss me.”

“Then should we check again if it’s really not passionate touching?”

“Alright.”

He lowers himself back at me and he continued kissing me again. I felt a hand as my shirt goes up.

Nope. Still not passionate touching.

He moves me up at the bed until my feet can no longer feel the floor. We’re kissing as we move up to the bed.

Still not passionate touching.

This is gross.

My shirt makes its way to the floor and we continued kissing. My fingers rushed through his hair as he lowers kissing my neck. He stops and takes off his shirt with his eyes glued with mine and returns to my mouth again. His right hand makes its way at my back unhooking my bra when somebody knocks. We both gasped and stopped.

“Damn it.” He cursed and jumps away from the bed rushing to get our shirts back that is already on the floor. I laughed watching him. He tossed my shirt to me and I put it back on. He makes his way to the door and Soah comes in. “Oh it’s you princess.”

“Why is the door locked?” She asked as she climbs up the bed taking the spot next to me.

“We are just checking something important Soah.”  He replied taking the spot next to Soah. I laughed at his terrible excuse.

“What is it honey?” I looked down to her and Soah sits up getting excited.

“That’s right! I have a gift for Mommy and Daddy.” She just called Chanyeol her Daddy. What he promised me is really coming true. I’m getting the happiness that I think I really deserve. “Here. I bought it with Uncle Baekhyun.”

I take the small box and there are necklaces inside. We both grabbed one and there’s a pendant that fell as soon as I took it. I read what is written and it says ‘his’ I looked at Chanyeol and it says ‘hers’. I smile and kissed Soah. “Thank you Soah. It’s perfect.”

“No that’s wrong.” Chanyeol says. “It’s damn amazing and perfect princess.” I smile as I watch him kiss Soah too. I love it that he loves Soah like she’s his own daughter too.

“I knew you both would love it!” She stands on the bed and started jumping. She stops when she remembers something. “Oh that’s right! We’re cooking cookies next door Mommy. You should join us! Aunt Meilee is an amazing cook! She teaches me how to do it!”

“Alright, I’ll go with-” I was about to stand when Chanyeol held me back.

“We’ll be there princess. We’ll finish checking up something.” He says.

“Okay! I’ll be waiting for you there mommy, daddy!” she gets off the bed and makes her way out of the room shutting it close.

I looked at him and he looks back at me. “Did you just seriously tell my daughter to go? I don’t like that.”

He gets on top of me again and smiles. “No, I just told our daughter to go because we’re still not finished checking up something.” I laughed at his reply. He leans closer and was about to kiss me when I pushed him away with my hand. “What the hell Kana?”

“From what I can see, we’re finished checking. Let’s go and check our daughter shall we?” I pull him up after I got off the bed and he whines in disappointment.

- - - - - - - - - - 

Eleven hours and sixteen minutes passed very quickly. Now I’m on my wedding dress staring at the door waiting for it to open. At the other side stands Chanyeol waiting for me at the other side of the aisle. When I get there, we’ll be saying our vows and we’ll be married.

I’ll be called Mrs. Park.

How great would that be? Each day just gets better and better since the day Chanyeol proposed to me and I haven’t experienced any attacks since then, though my heart still hurts from time to time. Yoo Mi told me that the medicine is already kicking it’s effect, that it’s holding back the death out of me.

I felt a hand brush to mine and father smiled at me. He leans and kissed my forehead. I close my eyes feeling the warmth at his kiss. He looks at me and smiles. “I can’t believe I’m giving your hand to another man any minute from now.”

“I can’t make myself to believe it either Dad.” He laughs and hugs me quickly before the door opens.

I really think that scenes in dramas that I’ve watched is really a cliché when there’s a huge struck of light whenever the door opens. But you’ll realize it why there’s a struck of light behind that door as it opens when you’re in a white dress and heels as you walk down the carpet down the aisle. It’s because you just entered a new chapter in your life. A new chapter that will be take out another number of years you spent in a lifetime.

Chanyeol is at the other side of the aisle next to Baekhyun. I can see my brother being teary as he looks at me.  I smile seeing Soah as she throws flowers down the hall and walks to the side when she reaches the end of the aisle. Yoo Han picks her up and I looked at him and mouthed thank you. He smiles and nods getting Soah back to her seat. I looked back and saw Chanyeol. We’re approaching him. We’re at the end of the aisle. Dad extends my hand to Chanyeol and lets go of it.

“Make her happy.” He said.

“I will sir.” Chanyeol replied. We walk on our way to the altar and the priest smiled at us. He begins saying his statement and the whole time that the priest is talking, my mind is overflowing. Chanyeol squeezes my hand and smiled. He’s telling me it will be okay. I nod and smiled back. The priest now tell us to say our vows us we face each other. Oh god, I’m at a hundred and forty again. Chanyeol don’t stare.

Chanyeol faces and smiles even more. “I, Park Chanyeol, take you Byun Kana, to be my wedded wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and cherish ‘till death- ” he stops at the word and his smile faded. He looks at the priest and the priest looks back at him. “Father, forgive my rudeness but can I change something to my vow?”

The priest laughs and nods. “Thank you very much.” He clears his throat again and I looked at him in confusion. I mouthed what are you doing? And he smiled reassuringly. He continues on his vow and this time holding my hand. “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and cherish, ‘till forever do us part. And hereto I pledge you much faithfulness.”

I’m not going to cry.

Damn it I’m not going to cry despite of the sobbing that I can hear from the church right now.

HELL NO I’M NOT CRYING.

I am not crying.

I am crying.

Chanyeol smiles and wipes my tears. “You can cry later angel. I want to hear your vow right now. Please do it.”

I laugh and nod. I clear my throat because I’m afraid that my voice is going to be shaky from all of the emotions that’s been shaking me right now. I look at Chanyeol and he’s looking at me as he looks forward with the so-called wedding vow coming out from my mouth.

“I, Byun Kana, take you Park Chanyeol, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish, ‘till forever do us part. And hereto, I pledge my faithfulness.”

He smiles appreciatively after I finished my vow. He mouthed I love you as we face each other and I did the same. Soah approach us and hands us our rings. Again, we say our vows as we exchange our rings. Chanyeol took my ring on his hand and took mine.

“Kana, I give you this ring, wear it with love and joy, which I know you will do. I choose you to be my wife, to have hold and to hold from this day forward for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish as long as we both live.” He slips the ring on my finger and I’m crying again. He reaches out on my cheek and nods. “Your turn.” He says.

I smile and took the ring from Soah. “Chanyeol, I give you this ring, wear it with love and joy, and likewise, I know you will do.” He smiles and nods. “I choose you to be my husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to have and to cherish, as long as we both shall live. And hereto, I pledge you my faithfulness to show you the same kind of love as Christ showed the Church when he died for Her-“ his expression changes when I hit the word died I smiled and him and shake my head. He smiles again and mouthed an apology. “and to love you as soon as a part of myself because in His sight we shall be one.”

I slip the ring on his finger and he grins widely. “Better.” He whispers and I chuckled. We face the priest back as he says his last statement. I was on cloud nine the whole thing and before I knew it, I am hearing,

 “You may now kiss your bride.” As he looks at Chanyeol. He holds me to face him and he smiles widely.

“This, I’ve been waiting for.” He says to me. I laugh and shake my head.

“You never get enough of me do you?”

“You’re addicting. You’re a drug Kana. I will never get enough of you.” He lowers himself and his mouth touches mine. He’s kissing me. I feel like floating right now. He pulls away afterwards and stares back at me with his forehead on mine. “That’s just teasing isn’t it?”

I laugh again and nod. “You will never ever get enough of me Mr. Park.”

“Never ever Mrs. Park.”

- - - - - - - - - - 

            CHANYEOL

Damn it she’s taking her time inside the shower. I’m losing my patience. I stand and walked to the bathroom door. I knocked.

“Kana? Are you still in there? Are you alright?”

The door opens and god she’s beautiful. She looks at me, still drying her hair. “Sorry, I couldn’t find the blower so it took me time.”

I’m smiling.

No, let me correct that. I’m grinning. I pull her by her waist and she gasps.

“Can’t I get dressed first?” She chuckles.

“No, your clothes will end up in the floor again anyways.” She laughs and I carry her back to the bedroom. I lower her down the bed and I stare at her. How can God gave me someone as perfect as her? She’s damn too perfect. “You’re really beautiful have I told you that?”

She chuckles and held my cheek. “Yes actually. My husband really loves telling me that.”

Husband.

Did you just hear that? She called me husband for the first time. I feel weak so I rested myself on her chest. “Chanyeol? Are you okay? Do you feel ill?” she asks in worry.

“You just made me weak by calling me your husband.” I hear and feel her laugh with my words. “My wife just called me her husband.” I can hear her heart beat faster as I listen. I adjust myself again and look down at her. “Are you at a hundred and forty right now?”

She shakes her head. “I think I’m at a hundred and eighty right now.”

I smile. “I’m talking medical with you right now my wife and I love it that I have you at a hundred and eighty.”

She smiles and I lower my mouth to hers. I feel her arms wrap against my neck and I smile kissing her. “This is not gross right? We’re allowed to passionately hold each other now.” I say and she nods. I continue kissing her and my hands pulled the knot on her robe until it comes loose.

“W..Wait.” She pushes me away and covers herself again.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. She shut her eyes closed and she’s shaking. “Kana what’s wrong you’re scaring me.”

She leans to me and I hug her tight. I don’t know what’s wrong with her but it’s freaking me out. “I… I’m getting it again. I’m getting anxious. We’re doing it… I.. I’m remembering Lu Han…”

She’s getting anxious again. I can feel it. Her body’s shaking as I hold her. “Hey look at me.” I whisper. Her eyes are shut close as she shakes. I told her to open them but she refuses. “Kana, look at me please.”

She shakes her head no. “I can’t do it… I can’t do it when I have the thought of him Chan… I’m so sorry…” She’s starting to cry and I hold her close to me. She must have it hard. I felt bad for looking forward to tonight. “I’m so sorry…” She’s covering her face with her hand and I pull them away. She now opens them and looks at me.

“It’s okay. I won’t force you.”

“But you’re looking forward to it.”

I laugh. “You make it sound so bad.”

“No, I don’t mean it in that way..” she looks at me with her hand on both of my cheek. She pulls me down to her as my mouth falls to hers. She’s kissing me this time. I must say, I’m surprised. I pulled back and she looks at me confused. “Chan…”

“You don’t have to force yourself angel.”

“I want it. But I can’t… I’m sorry…” I smile and kissed her forehead.

“I know.” I lay down next to her and pull her close. “Let’s rest for now okay?”

I feel her nod against my chest. Her arms makes its way to my waist as she hugs me back. I’m spending my first night with my wife.

“Goodnight my wife.” I whisper.

- - - - - - - - - - 

When I opened my eyes Kana’s not there. I sit up and looked at the clock.

Three thirty in the morning.

Where is she? I scanned the room and the bathroom’s open. I get off the bed and saw Kana sitting on the floor staring blankly.

“Hey, you okay?” I sit in front of her and she smiled faintly. She holds me close to her and hugs me. “Kana?”

“I had a nightmare… I don’t want to wake you up so.”

I look at her closely and her eyes are swollen. I carry her and we make our way to the kitchen. I set her down at the chair and she stares at me as I pour her a glass of water. I walk back to her and placed the glass on her hand.

“Drink it. It will help you calm down wifey.” She smiles at my remark. She moves to her side so I can sit next to her. I placed her legs on my lap as I watch her drink. “Feel better?”

“Yes hubby.” I chuckled and pull her close to me. She’s now sitting on my lap with her head resting on my shoulder. I hug her close and she burry her face on my neck. “Why are you not asking about it?”

“You know I don’t force you when it comes to those kind of things.”

I watch her as she plays with her fingers staring down. “I dreamt of me on my last breath.”

This is why I don’t ask.

I get upset whenever she talks about her death. I hate it. I held her cheek and kissed her as I carry her back to our bedroom. I don’t want her talking about it. Might as well shut her before she starts talking about it again.

“I’m sorry. I know you don’t like me talking about it.” She says when I pulled back. I look down to her kissed her again.

Shut it Kana.

I don’t want you talking about it.

Just no.

She kisses me back and we’re both in tears. We both hate talking about it. This time, I kissed her hard that I can feel her pant in between our kisses.

            KANA

He hates it. I know he does. But why did I even talked about it? I felt his hand under my shirt trailing my underwear. I flinch as his hands are really cold. He kisses me neck down to my chest. He pulls my shirt up. I help him take it off and another second, it’s on the floor. The lights are off right now and all I can see is him. I’m being pre-occupied with Chanyeol right now. I felt his lips on my ear and I flinch in surprise.

“I love you. So so much Kana.” He whispered.

What I did afterwards when his hands touched me on my chest is embarrassing, I let out a moan. I didn’t realize how much effect his touch does on me. Much more than what I felt when I’m with Lu Han. I think I am at my hundred and eighty right now.

“It’s a first. I heard something just now.” He grins.

He takes off his shirt and he takes off the rest of the clothing on me. I remain with my eyes closed as he kisses me again and then I felt it. He holds me because he just felt me wince at the pain. “Ah…”

“Kana, you okay?” he asks.

I nod and then I felt him move. I grip the covers as I wince and let the pain fade away. He lets out a breath and I do too. He kisses me again but this time, he kisses me all over. I can feel his chest moving fast as mine every time he touches me.

The feeling is different. We’ve come close to making out but it never felt like this. “Chan…” I hold on to him as I pant with every breath that I let out and I came close. He felt the same and falls on me afterwards.

“You’re addicting really.” I laugh and kissed him. “Thank you.” He says.

“For what?”

“For everything. For being born, for being my wife.”

“I can say the same with you.”

He lay down beside me and holds me close. “I just need you to stop talking about that okay? We swore to each other that only forever can do us part.” He tells me.

“I know. I won’t talk about it anymore.”

“That’s good.” He kisses me again and then my forehead. “I love you so much Kana.”

I don’t feel any energy left in my body right now. I feel so tired and weak. I scoot closer to him and he places the covers properly on me. “I love you… too…”