Chapter 18: Regretting

KANA

I open my eyes and find myself in my room. I sit up and scanned the room. Nobody is here. I noticed a sick-person-kit in my nightstand. A small basin with a towel in it and a glass of water. My door opens and I did not expect him to be coming in my room. I look at him as he makes my way close to me. He sits on my bed and grabs the towel from the basin. He hands it to me and looked away.

"Don't get me wrong. I'm just staying here because Yoohan asked me too. He can't go  because he has an appointment to go to."

I smile and took the towel from him. "Thanks."

He took a glimpse on me and I caught him doing so. "So uh.. you okay? You still look pale."

"Yes. I don't know what happened to me. My chest started aching so bad all of a sudden." I replied and I remembered Soah. "Soah, did she saw me earlier?"

"Yeah. She was worried and cried herself to sleep. She's at her room." I got off my bed and ran over to Soah. Even if her eyes are closed, I can tell that she cried so bad. Her nose is still swollen. She shifted her position and opens her eyes when she saw me.

"Mommy!" She hugs me tightly and started crying again.

"Shh. It's okay now sweetie. I'm fine now."

"Mommy, I'm so scared. Please don't leave me."

"I won't sweetie. Mommy will never leave you alone so stop crying now okay?" I say and wipe her tears. I smile and kissed her forehead. I climb on her bed and she scoots to give me space to lie on. "Now sleep okay? Mommy will be here so sleep now."

Soah smiles and looks past me. I looked back and saw Chanyeol. "Uncle, can you lie next to me too?"

"Huh? Me?" He asks and pointed at himself.

"Mm. It's late so Uncle will stay with us tonight right?"

"Um Soah, that's-" Soah frowns and looks at him. "Okay. I'll be next to you."

"Yey!" Soah scoots close to me and lets Chanyeol lie on her right. She takes both of our hands and placed it on her chest. "Now Soah will dream happily!" She says and closes her eyes. I smile and watch her sleep. She must be so happy.

- - - - - - - - - - 

CHANYEOL

I wake up and glanced at the clock. Four in the morning. I have to go before I get late for work. I slowly and carefully took Soah's head from my chest and pulled the covers up from her. Kana's not here. I make my way downstairs after I took my bag from the seat. I heard a sizzling sound from the kitchen. Kana must be cooking their breakfast. I leaned on the doorframe as I watch her. She's acting like a true mother right now.

"Done. Now where's the container?" She mumbles to herself opens the cabinet. She grabs a bento box and started packing food for Soah.

The main door opens so I hid myself because I know that that would be Yoohan. He makes his way to the kitchen and leans on the counter watching Kana. Kana notices his presence and smiles.

"Hey." She greeted.

"I don't think I wanted to respond to that." She chuckles and shakes her head.

"I'm fine now."

"Let's get you checked. Yoo Mi can do it. You already collapsed a number of times and I know that is not normal."

I don't know how to react. I am now eavesdropping and also, I don't know how to react to the collapse and a number of times word that came from Yoo Han's mouth.

"I know that it's just because of over working." Yoo Han folded his arms in his chest.

"So now you are aware that you are over working."

"Yoo Han I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me."

"I don't have a right and Chanyeol does? You seem to be happy that he went here for you."

What he said made her stop from moving. "Why is he suddenly in this talk?" She says. I agree, why am I suddenly in their talk?

"I told you not to meet that guy. He's the reason why you are being like this. I know you don't want to talk about it but Kana we can't heal you if you keep on blaming yourself. You can't just depend on those pills just to make yourself asleep!"

"I fell asleep last night without any pills so don't blame him for that."

"It's because he's here with you-"

"STOP. No. I don't need him and he hates me. I am the reason why he changed, I am the reason why he became like that! It's because of me why Lu Han died, I CAN'T BE HAPPY! I DESERVE THIS! I DON'T NEED ANYTHING AND ANYONE BUT SOAH."

I don't know what to feel anymore. Kana has been suffering all this time. This is what I wanted, but why can't I be happy? Why can't I be satisfied seeing her suffer? I walked back upstairs when in fact I should be leaving. I can't leave. Not right now. I hear footsteps approaching the room and the door opens. It's Kana. She's crying. She looked away wiping her tears.

"You're awake?" She asked sniffing.

"I'm about to leave."

"Oh, I see. You don't want to have breakfast before leaving?"

"I don't think I have a reason why I should be eating breakfast in your house." I replied and walked closer to the door.

"Can't you do it because I asked you to?" I looked at her and she's crying again. She just stopped and now she's crying again. "You'll see me cry like this so can't you have breakfast here?" She continues to cry as she sinks on the floor. She hugged her knees as her back moves from her sobs. I took a step closer to her but I can't make myself touch her.

"You should be going right now." Yoo Han says entering the room. "It's almost five."

I stood up and grabbed my bag. "Yeah. I should get going."

Yoo Han eyed me as I leave. "Thanks." He said a grateful remark not because I helped Kana, but because right now, I am leaving Kana.

- - - - - - - - - - 

KANA

I am doing this. Am I really going to do this? I can feel my hand shake as I reach out to the doorknob. I closed my eyes trying to recollect the courage that I got to make myself walk in front of Yoo Mi’s clinic.

“So, what are you doing? Coming in or not?” I jump in surprise.

“Yoo Mi.”

“If you’re coming in just do it. Are you praying over my clinic?” She chuckles and opens the door  for me. She steps to the side and eyed me to come in so I did. I took a sit on her couch and she sits on her armchair. “So, what brings you here Kana?”

I am now staring at her plate. Kim Yoo Mi, Cardiologist. She knows everything about the heart so, do I consult me feeling a painful sensation on my chest yesterday or do I consult the pain that I have been feeling since Lu Han died and I separated with Chanyeol?

“So, Kana?”

“Well um, you see…uh…” She chuckles and sat next to me.

“What’s with you? It’s not like you to get nervous whenever you talk to me. Is there something wrong?”

“Yoo Mi, I went here as a patient. I want to consult something to you.” There we go. Courage level 100%. Her expression changes and she knows that this talk is serious.

“Tell me what happened.” She says and I narrated what I experienced yesterday. “Kana, you told me that you have undergone a heart transplant right?”

“Yes. I have a weak heart ever since I was a kid but I managed because of some meds that was given to me.”

“Okay, so what I am about to tell you guarantees nothing. I wanted to conduct tests on you so that we can be accurate. You know what I’m saying because you’re a doctor too Kana.” I nod and she continues. “There are two kinds of patients who receive transplants. One, those who gets to live a long life. Two, those who get to live for years but then manifests heart complications afterwards. I am not yet to classify which group you belong to Kana because I do not have anything that can prove it.”

“I see…”

“Kana, look at me.” Yoo Mi whispers and looks at me smiling. “You don’t have to worry about anything. It will be fine just trust me on this okay?”

I smiled and nod. “Thanks. It’s been a long time since I experienced being a patient before.”

She laughs and stands. She walks to her desk and gets something from her little box. “Here, I give these to my patients after every consultation. Dark Chocolates are always good for the heart.”

I smile and took it from her. “Thanks Yoo Mi.”

- - - - - - - - - - 

CHANYEOL

If stares can melt things, probably my phone would’ve been melted by now. I am staring at it for hours debating whether or not I should call Kana. I have been stubborn in hating her but seeing her being in pain makes me want to protect her. The thing is, I can’t make myself do it. Why? I have my pride hindering me to do so.

“Good work today everyone. Let’s just clean up and we’re good to go.” Chen said. I sighed and bring my phone back to my pocket. I grabbed the bag and placed my camera in it. Chen stops in front of me and folded his arms eyeing me weirdly.

“Your shots are weird today. What’s with you?”

“Hyung, if a person suddenly have her chest aching is it abnormal?”

“What’s with that sudden question? And yes, obviously that’s not normal.”

Okay. I should’ve not asked. I am becoming more and more anxious about what is her case. Is she okay? Is she sick?

“Chan!” Hye Jin is approaching. She stops in front of me and showed me the lunch box that she’s holding. “I’ve prepared something. Let’s eat?”

We settled at the rooftop garden and she assembled the lunchbox for me. I stared at the food. Kana prepared one just for Soah this morning. I wonder how that tasted. She only prepared food for me once.

“Hello? Earth to Park Chanyeol?”

“What?”

“This.” She is handing me the chopsticks.

“Oh. Hye Jin, I’m sorry but I have to go somewhere today. I’ll see you later okay?”

“Chanyeol!”

I ran to the parking lot and opened the car. I placed my things at the passenger seat and headed to the hospital. I know this is a rash thing for me to do but I just have to see how Kana’s doing today. I headed inside the hospital and searched for the neurosurgery department. She should be there. I head to the reception to ask but I don’t need to. She’s there. Checking her charts.

“Dr. Byun?”

“Huh? Yeah?”

“Are you okay? Is something wrong?” The nurse asked. Thanks for asking for me. I really wanted to know how she is doing.

“Yeah. Um, can you do me a favor? Can I see the charts of Yoo Mi’s patients?”

“Dr. Kim’s? Sure. She’s at the Cardiology department right?”

Cardiology? I have a little knowledge about medicine but I know that doctors who specializes in Cardiology are heart doctors. Why is she asking about them?

“Here are the charts Dr. Byun.” The nurse hands her the charts and she takes them.

“I would be borrowing them for a while. Tell her they’re with me okay?”

She walks away from the station and I followed her. Before she enters her room I stopped her. Her eyes widen in my presence and looks at me.

“Cha..Chanyeol? Why are you here?”