FATE .

    By the time I got back to Urk, Jung Taekwoon was sent to God-knows-where with the Special Forces. I spent the first couple of the months praying for him to come back safe. Then I spent the rest of the year praying for him to come back. Just come back.

    And that’s how the first year passed by. Seasons changed in the blink of an eye. Eomma called time to time, but no word from Appa; nor did I ever went home to visit them.

“Have you decided on this?” Dr. Kang asked when she noticed me staring at the Volunteers Without Borders poster.

“Huh?” I let out a sigh. “I’m not sure.” I turned to her and smiled. She narrowed her eyes at me and smiled. “Has Sijin Sunbae called you yet?” I asked. Her smile disappeared and she wrapped her arms against her chest. She took a deep breath and let it out.

“Myungjoo asked the same thing when she came over for her check up. She’s lucky she got an excuse to keep her husband by her side. I should have gotten pregnant too. Then he wouldn’t have left.” She said, and I let out a chuckle at her comment.

“I haven’t seen her ever since she gave birth. She’s probably mad at me.” I said, and Kang sem nodded.

“Good that you know. She went on about it.” She laughed as she spoke.

“I applied for a vacation. If I get approved, I’ll go visit her.”

“Yeah…” We both stood quietly. “Anyways, what are you going to do?” Dr. Kang continued. I let out a sigh and stared at the poster. “Before you jump into to conclusions, think about your parents. And your team. Don’t just think about yourself.”

“That’s why I’m still thinking. If I only thought about myself, I already would have signed up for this.” I spoke and she let out a loud sigh and dropped her arms.

“I have to get going. I have a lecture in an hour.” she said, tapping my shoulder.

“Have fun.” I said as I watched her walk away. She waved her hand in the air as she walked away.

“Yoboseyo?” I heard a voice I haven’t heard from a long time.

“Yoboseyo… Appa” I spoke in a soft voice. I was currently sitting inside my car in the hospital parking lot.

“I-Iseul-ah?” He hesitated before speaking.

“Yeah” I took a deep breath. “Appa, help me.”

***

“I’ll quit.” I spoke. Appa sat in front of me, but said nothing. “That’s what you wanted me to do, right? I’ll quit as promised.”

    Appa said nothing. Instead, he poured himself a drink and took a sip. Then he cleared his throat.

“How is he?” He asked. I shrugged at his question.

“Who knows...” I said as I poured myself a drink. Then I filled Appa’s glass.

“Eomma told me that he took Seo Daeyoung’s post for the last mission.”

“Yeah. That was an year ago.” I finished my glass.

“Drink slowly. This is a strong one.” He said, admiring the alcohol bottle.

“Appa, I don’t get drunk. Ever.”

“Such a good thing for a girl to say.” He said, finishing up his glass. I filled it up again. “So, where is he?”

“Who knows?” I let out a sigh.

“That’s what you get for choosing a guy in Special Forces.” He said, taking a bite off the appetizers in front of us. I didn’t bother reminding him what he said the day I left. “Don’t worry too much. He’s with Sijin. Everything will be fine.” He said, and I almost dropped the glass that was in my hand. Is he trying to comfort me? I blinked a couple of times. When Appa noticed that I’m staring at him, he sat up and cleared his throat. “I mean-”

“I know. And he’s a great captain too. I mean, out of all people, he was chosen to be in SF. He’s the best. I’ll just wait for him to return.”

“You know, you’re still not late. The other day I was talking to Mr. Kim and he was asking about you. His son is 34 this year-”

“Appa.” He looked at him and he looked away. My phone started to ring. When I checked the number, it was Jeong Daehi Daewinim. “I have to go.” I said as I got ready to get up.

“I’ll check and see.” He said as I walked over to the door.

“Thank you. I just want to know if he’s alive.”

“He better be. My one and only daughter wasted over decade of her life on him. She left home because of that- him. He better come back alive.” Appa spoke in a stern voice. I walked back to Appa and gave him a hug.

“I’ll visit home next weekend.” I said before walking out.

    Jeong Daewi handed me two white envelopes when I walked into her office.

“Sit down before you read this.” She told me, but I didn’t bother.

“Isn’t this my vacation request form?” I asked her. She let out a sigh.

“Yeah, I wished it was just that.” She tightened her jaw and leaned herself against her desk.

    I opened one envelope and took out the piece of paper. Vacation approved. Two weeks off duty. I smiled and took the other envelope into my hand. For some reason, a sudden gush of uneasiness took over my body. I looked at Jeong Daewi who refused to make eye contact with me.

With a confused heart, I opened it. On the top of the letter marked the date and the Special Force logo. The letter wasn’t addressed to me. I looked at Jeong Daewi.

“This is yours…?” I asked her.

“They sent it to every team. You probably got one too.”

“Are they sending us too? Black Widows? Just in case? Is that it?” I asked, not wanting to read the letter. She shook her head.

“Just read” She said, looking out her window. I watched her. She wrapped her arms around her chest, but one hand moved over her face as if she was wiping something away.

    I moved my eyes away from her and started reading the letter. The letter stated some things that I was familiar with: a bunch of names, dates, and something about the mission being called off-

    What.

My breathing got louder and my heart started to beat faster. No. Not this. Anything but this.

    By the end of reading the letter, I was sitting on the chair in front of Jung Daewi’s desk.

“What does this mean?” I asked Jeong Daewi. She sighed and looked away. Calm down, Kim Iseul. This is obviously a mistake. This is not real. “‘Mission was called off’... ‘Sending back-up to find the team’...” I dropped the piece of paper.

“The officials will hold a press conference soon. They want to inform families before they release the news to the public.”

“No…” I laughed. “I remember Dr. Kang saying something like this. She had to sign forms like this at least three times. But look, Sijin Sunbae came home. Everyone goes through these kinds of things and eventually they all come back alive. Right? Right?!”

“Iseul-ah” Jeong Daewi turned to me with teary eyes.

“Nah, nah.” I stood back up and clapped my hands.  “This is just one of those things. He’ll be home in couple of weeks. Months are fine too. As long as he comes home. Yep.” I put the piece of paper on Jeong Daewi’s desk. “Here. You keep this. I’m on vacation as of tomorrow. I’ll come back in two weeks and hear that they’ve found him. Yup.