CHAPTER XLI

WE’RE EVEN

Jessica was standing outside an apartment block in downtown Seoul. The night was getting late, and the wind was getting colder by the minutes. The blonde girl took her cellphone out from her sport bag and glanced at the clock, and noticed it was almost midnight. She turned around and stared at the tall apartment building and sighed; it had been fifteen minutes since her new and first girlfriend went inside the building, but there was no sign of her coming out anytime soon. Her crescent eyed girlfriend went inside to meet with her New Jerseyan friend, who went to the same school as them, whom she hadn’t the chance to meet, to cancel her plan to switch agencies.

During their bus ride here Tiffany had told her the short version for her wanting to switch agencies. And not to Jessica’s surprise, the reason was her all along. The crescent eyed girl told her that she made the decision hastily, in her effort to stay away from her and kill her feelings for the blonde girl. But then Tiffany admitted that she had thought about it some more, and figured out that she couldn’t live without her, and decided to confess her feelings. That was today. That was when the black haired American girl knew that she felt the same way about her. That was when they started dating.

And Tiffany told her that she had forgotten about the meeting with this other Jessica, because the crescent eyed girl was too absorbed in their make out session this evening. And although Tiffany asked her to wait inside the lobby, the blonde girl figured it would be better if this Jessica Ho didn’t see her tonight, so that the mean looking girl wouldn’t suspect she had anything to do with Tiffany cancelling the new contract. Although she was the exact and sole reason for it.

And that was why the blonde girl now stood outside the entrance of the tall apartment building, fighting the cold summer wind by herself. The only thing keeping her warm was the kiss Tiffany gave her before she went inside the apartment, and she smiled to herself when she thought about Tiffany’s soft and warm kiss. But then the blonde girl felt a little bit guilty that she lied about not knowing her girlfriend’s plan to leave SME. Although lie was probably not the correct word. She simply acted like she didn’t know the black haired American girl plan to switch agencies. But still, the blue eyed girl felt uncomfortable about keeping secrets from her girlfriend, but she figured it would be best to keep her knowledge of the dream world a secret for now. After all, they had only just began dating today, and she didn’t want anything to come between their relationship. And besides, Tiffany herself didn’t mention about the dream world, and her dream about the life without the blonde girl that made her change her mind.

Meanwhile the crescent eyed girl was sitting in the dining table of Jessica Ho’s room. It was the first time she had been here, although her mean looking friend had told her the address a long time ago. Jessi’s apartment was quite small, like a hotel room, with no walls or doors separating the kitchen and the dining area and the bed. The only doors she saw was the front door, and the door to the bathroom. The black haired American girl figured it would only take her a few steps from the dining table to the bed, and it only took another few steps to the bathroom. Jessi apparently was not the neat and tidy type, as her apartment was cluttered with her stuff; from magazines and clothes and books. It was quite a messy room, just like her dormitory, and she couldn’t help but smiled at how similar the situation was. And if she had to be honest, the apartment wasn’t like anything she imagined. She thought that an idol would live in a luxurious and spacy apartment.

“I can’t believe this…” Tiffany heard the mean looking girl said, and she focused herself to her New Jerseyan friend. Jessi was sitting across from her, wearing only a loose light yellow tank-top and a pair of black hot pants. The mean looking girl was sitting with one leg up, and her eyes were glaring at her, and Tiffany didn’t know that Jessi could look scarier than she was. “First you said you forgot about this meeting and now you’re saying you don’t want to join our company?”

“Y-Yes…” The black haired American girl stared at her feet. “… I’m sorry…”

“My God…” Jessi let out a sigh. “And you waited until the last moment to tell us this?”

“I-I’m sorry…” She timidly replied.

“Jesus Christ; what were you thinking, Tiff?” The mean looking girl let out another sigh.

“I-I don’t know…” But the truth was she was thinking about her blonde girlfriend, who was standing outside the building, alone. She was worried about her Jessie; worried if some bad guys would appear and kidnap her, worried if would catch a cold standing with the cold summer wind, worried if she would get upset for waiting too long. What she wouldn’t give to finish this meeting soon and be with her.

But then God seemed to listen to her prayer, as the young manager who was standing near the front door unexpectedly chuckled, and both girls turned their attention towards him. The young manager had been there from the start; from the moment Tiffany stepped inside the apartment room. The neat looking man was Jessi’s current manager, and he was also there as YMC’s representative, and was supposed to guide Tiffany with the process of switching agencies.

“What’s so funny, Jinhee oppa?” Jessi glared at her manager.

“Sorry; sorry.” The young manager didn’t seem to be affected by her glares as he kept laughing. “I can’t help myself…”

“This is just absurd…”

“I’m really sorry…” Tiffany sincerely apologized, for the nth time that night.

“That’s okay…” The young manager simply said, earning a meaner glare from the mean looking girl.

“What?” He smiled at the young rapper. “There’s nothing we can do about this…”

“But oppa—“ Jessi was about to say, but was immediately cut off.

“—There’s nothing we can do,” He said as he raised his hand. “If Tiffany-ssi doesn’t want to sign with us then I won’t force her to.”

“I’m really, really sorry…” She could only apologize.

“Stop saying you’re sorry, Tiffany-ssi,” The young manager smiled at her. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Although I’d appreciate it if you didn’t wait until now to tell us that you changed your mind…”

The crescent eyed girl stared back at her feet, fully aware of the troubles she had caused her New Jerseyan friend and her manager.

“And as much as I want to say that we’ll keep our door opened for you,” Jinhee oppa continued. “I can’t.”

“O-Of course, oppa…” The black haired American girl understood.

“Okay, then,” The young manager walked towards the front door and opened it. “I guess that’s it.”

“Oppa!” Jessica Ho looked surprised that her manager would simply let Tiffany go. “Just like that?”

“Just like that, Jessi.” Her manager simply nodded and gestured Tiffany to leave the apartment.

“T-Thank you, oppa…” The crescent eyed girl said hesitantly, as she didn’t think it would be that easy, but she quickly picked herself up and headed towards the door; afraid that the YMC manager would change his mind.

“Good bye…” She bowed politely to the young manager when she reached the door, and Jinhee oppa returned the gesture by nodding.

“Wait!” The mean looking girl rushed to her. “Let me walk you out…”

When the two American girls stepped inside the elevator, Tiffany noticed her New Jerseyan friend was not in a festive mood. The mean looking girl looked like she was trying to hold back her anger, and it made her look even scarier. The crescent eyed girl decided not to say anything, as she was afraid even a simple sorry would cause her friend to explode in anger, and she stared at her own feet and wished the elevator would reach the first floor faster.

“I have something to tell you.” To Tiffany’s surprise, it was Jessi who spoke first as the elevator door slowly closed.

“Y-Yes?” The crescent eyed girl said timidly, but prepared for the worst. Her American friend had every right to be mad at her, after cancelling her transfer.

“I was asked by my managers to approach and recruit you.” Jessica Ho said as she stared at Tiffany with her scary looking slanted eyes.

“W-What?” The black haired American girl was caught by surprise. “What do you mean by that?”

“My company wanted to recruit more trainees,” The mean looking girl looked serious. “And they have a list of potential candidates from other agencies…”

“And I was told that there are SME trainees who go to the same school as me…”

“And they told me to recruit you…”

“So are you saying that you only become friends with me just to recruit me?” Tiffany suddenly felt queasy.

“At first; yes.” Jessi simply said as the elevator dinged as they had reached the first floor.

“Why are you telling me this?” She asked when they both got out of the elevator.

“I just want to tell you the truth,” The mean looking girl stopped and stared at her, and Tiffany couldn’t say anything as she was still processing what Jessi had told her.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore,” Jessica Ho said again after a while as she started to walk to the entrance. “I just thought that I need to be honest with you…”

“You’re probably mad with me now,” The mean looking girl continued as Tiffany walked towards her and reached for the door. “After knowing that I probably used you just to get recruits…”

“But I guess that makes us even now.” That last words from her New Jerseyan friend shocked her, and now she knew how upset Jessi was with her cancelling the transfer. But the crescent eyed girl still didn’t know what or how she should respond to Jessi’s confession.

“Goodbye, Tiff.” The mean looking girl said as she opened the door for her.

“Goodbye, Jessi…” She could only say as she rushed outside to Seoul’s cold and windy summer night.

As Tiffany walked she could feel the cold wind blowing through her skin and into her bones. She instinctively rubbed her arms to keep herself warm, but her mind was too occupied with Jessi’s words that she didn’t even mind the cold. She was about to reached the streets when she felt a cold hand suddenly grabbed hers.

“Did you forget about your girlfriend already?” A familiar sweet voice said, and she turned around to see the smiling blonde girl.

“Jessie!” Her face suddenly lit up as Jessica locked fingers with her.

“I-I’m sorry, I was thinking about something…” She apologetically said as they walked side by side, and cursed herself from forgetting about Jessica, even for a split second.

“It’s okay,” The blue eyed girl smiled kindly. “Were you thinking about the meeting?”

“Yes…” The crescent eyed girl replied.

“How did it go?” Her blonde girlfriend asked, and Tiffany told her about everything, even her last conversation with the mean looking girl.

“I see…” The blonde girl said when her crescent eyed girlfriend finished her story and they were on their taxi heading to Tiffany’s dorm. The couple had decided to take a cab home instead, as it was faster than the midnight bus since they didn’t have to switch buses or walk from the stops.

“But honestly,” She let out a sigh of relief as she leaned closer to her blonde girlfriend to warm herself. “I’m just glad that they let me go without any consequences…”

“Yeah…” Jessica smiled at her and held her hand on her laps. “You’re lucky they didn’t sue you or force you to sign the contract…”

“They can do that?” The crescent eyed girl asked in surprise.

“Well…” The blonde girl seemed to be deep in thought. “They can’t sue you since they don’t have any proof that you were going to sign with them…”

“And luckily they haven’t contacted SME, and you haven’t quitted our agency…”

“But they could pressure you into signing the contract since you verbally agreed to join them…”

“T-They could?” Tiffany grew afraid. “W-What if I refuse to sign?”

“They could tie you up and force you to sign it…” Jessie said nonchalantly, and her girlfriend squeezed her hand harder.

“T-They would tie me up?” She was so scared that she almost shouted, and the taxi driver glanced at the speaking English pair from his front mirror.

“Don’t worry, honey,” The blue eyed girl giggled as she petted her crescent eyed girlfriend. “I won’t let them do that to you…”

“W-What if tomorrow they come to school and force me to sign the contract?” The black haired American girl looked panicked.

“Then I’m going to have to kick their butts!” Her blonde girlfriend said and Tiffany giggled and snuggled into her arms. The crescent eyed girl was so happy hearing how Jessie would protect her, like the dazzling knight in shining armor that she was. She stared at her deep blue eyes and smiled her sweetest, and let out a sigh of relief. There she was; in the arms of the girl she fell in love with. A beautiful girl with golden hair, and eyes like the ocean. She had the kindest heart, like it was made from pure gold. And her gaze pierced straight into her heart. And she could melt her heart just with words. And she was not afraid to show her weakness, and cry in front of her. And she would protect her from any harm. Jessica was the handsome prince she had always dreamed of, but there was still one thing missing from the list. And so she decided to ask her.

“Jessie…” She whispered as she stared at her deep blue eyes.

“Hmm?”

“Do you like pink?” She asked the most important question.

“I do.” Jessica smiled and nodded, and Tiffany got the very answer she wanted to hear. The crescent eyed girl couldn’t feel any happier and she hugged her blonde girlfriend tightly and leaned forward to kiss her. But as her lips were getting closer to Jessie’s, she felt a finger on her lips and noticed the blonde girl smiled apologetically at her and shook her head, and then she gently pushed her away. The black haired American girl was about to protest when she noticed her blonde girlfriend was staring at the front mirror. She followed Jessie’s gaze and found that the driver was staring at them suspiciously through the rear-view mirror, and she quickly leaned away from the blue eyed girl.

Tiffany’s face immediately blushed and she reprimanded herself for not being careful of her surroundings, but then the blonde girl took her hand and she immediately calmed down.

“Later…” She could hear her blue eyed girlfriend said, and she couldn’t help but smile at the thought of kissing Jessie again.

A couple of minutes later the taxi stopped right in front of her dormitory, and she turned to the blonde girl with hopeful gaze. She didn’t want to leave just yet, as she wanted to be with her blonde girlfriend a little longer.

“I’ll walk you…” Jessie smiled and Tiffany’s heart jumped with joy.

The blue eyed girl asked the taxi driver to wait for her, and the couple stepped out of the car, followed by the driver’s suspicious look. The middle aged driver kept staring at the girls until they disappeared behind the front door.

“So…” Tiffany stared at their joined hands as they waited for the elevator to come down. “Call me later?”

“Okay…” The blue eyed girl smiled again.

It took the crescent eyed girl a couple of seconds before she leaned towards her blonde girlfriend and planted the warmest kiss she had. The couple locked their lips until the elevator came down, and the black haired American girl felt a little upset they had to part lips when the ding sound was heard.

“Call me.” She repeated as she sighed and stepped inside the mechanical box.

“I will,” Jessica giggled as she waved goodbye. “Goodnight, Tiff…”

“Goodnight, Jessie…” She waved back as the elevator door slowly closed, and her girlfriend disappeared from her sight.

Thirty minutes passed and Tiffany found herself sitting in the living room with the television on. She had just finished brushing her teeth and changing into her pajamas and now she was browsing through the channels trying to find something interesting to watch as she waited for her blonde girlfriend to call her. After clicking the remote so many times she found herself watching the first channel she saw when she first turned the television on, and she sighed as she threw the remote to the side.

Now stuck watching a late night drama that seemed to be filled with tears, fights, shouts, and more tears, she buried her body deeper into the sofa and grabbed her cellphone. Tiffany browsed through her contact lists and her message inbox just to pass time, before she decided to look through her gallery and found some pictures of her with a certain pretty blonde girl. The crescent eyed girl smiled happily when she saw a picture of them together in the snow at the amusement park, and she remembered what a fun and beautiful day it was.

Just when she was reminiscing about the fun excursion, her cellphone rang, and a picture of Jessica’s side profile in the snow which she secretly took that day showed up on her screen, and she almost squealed with joy when she pressed the green button.

Hey, LA, Her blonde girlfriend was the first to speak. Whatcha doin’?

“Hey, San Francisco,” She smiled so wide that her eyes were closed. “Did you get home okay?”

Yup, Jessie said cutely, and she could hear some curious rustle in the background.

“What are you doing?” Tiffany asked her.

I’m changing my clothes… The blue eyed girl replied, and the black haired American girl slightly blushed as she was imagining her blonde girlfriend taking her clothes off.

“O-Oh…” She took a deep breath when she felt her chest tightened. “You are?"

"What are you wearing?” She added in whispered when she heard another rustle.

But then she heard a loud thud and the blue eyed girl laughing, and she wondered if something happened on Jessie’s side.

“W-What?” Tiffany asked. “What happened?”

W-Why are you asking me what I’m wearing? The blonde girl seemed to be laughing hard. You made me trip over my pants!

“Y-You were changing your pants?” The crescent eyed girl’s face was flushing hard now.

ert! Blonde Jessica couldn’t stop laughing.

“I-I was just asking what you’re wearing!” Tiffany was really embarrassed with herself. “I’m not a ert!”

Then why did you ask me that?

“I-I was just trying to make conversation!” She made up some excuse, but the truth was that she herself didn’t know why she asked such a silly question.

ert…

“I’m not!”

Yes, you are…

“No, I’m not!”

Yes, you are…

“Jessie!” And the blonde girl laughed some more.

I really miss this… Her blonde girlfriend said after she finished laughing and noticed Tiffany was quiet the whole time; embarrassed.

“What?” She asked.

This, She could tell that her blonde girlfriend was smiling. Our late night phone calls…

“I miss it too…” The crescent eyed girl sighed, and both girls were overwhelmed by their feelings, their longing for each other, that they didn’t know what to say or where to start and stayed quiet for some time.

So, Jessie finally broke the silence. What are you going to do with that Jessica?

Tiffany was confused for a second before she realized that the blonde Jessica was talking about the other Jessica; the mean looking one. “I don’t know…”

“I was very upset when I found out that she only wanted to become friends with me just to recruit me into her agency…”

“And the way she told me…” She recalled the dark-brownish haired girl’s face. “She said it like it was nothing…”

“Like she didn’t care…”

Well, she was upset with you too at the time, Her blonde girlfriend said. Maybe she was just trying to make you angry?

“Maybe…” The black haired American girl sighed. “But still…”

“I don’t know if I want to stay friends who uses friendship only as a mean to gain personal benefits…”

She did say at first, Jessica said, and Tiffany was a little surprised that the blue eyed girl remembered the details of their conversation. Maybe she had a change of heart?

“What do you mean?”

Maybe it was her way of saying she’s sorry and she wants to stay friends with you…

“You really think so?”

I know so… Again she could feel that the blonde girl was smiling kindly. Besides…

Don’t you want to stay friends with her?

“I don’t know…” The crescent eyed girl thought about it. “Do you think I should?”

And she heard another cute giggle from her blonde girlfriend. Why are you asking me that?

You can be friends with anyone you want…

“Really?”

Really.

“I guess I don’t want to lose a friend,” The crescent eyed girl said again. “Not when I really need more…”

Yes, you do… Jessie agreed. We need as many friends as we can…

“And she’s from the U.S too,” Tiffany said again. “Just like us!”

“I bet you’re going to like her too!”

As much as I like you? The blonde girl giggled once more. I doubt it…

“Jessie…” The black haired American girl smiled, and then the new couple laughed together.

So… The blue eyed girl said after a while. I guess we should go to sleep now…

“We do?” The crescent eyed girl didn’t want to end their late night call.

It’s way past our bedtime, Tiff… Her blonde girlfriend said. And we can see each other at school…

“I know…” She replied weakly.

Oh! The blonde girl suddenly got excited. Speaking of school…

Do you want to prank Chloe and Lily too?

“No…” The black haired American girl surprisingly said. “I don’t wanna…”

Oh, really?

“Yeah,” She remembered her blonde girlfriend scary glares. “I don’t know if I can stand seeing you being so mad at me…”

Aw, honey, Again the blue eyed girl giggled. I was only acting…

“Yeah, well…” Tiffany shivered as she imagined Jessie’s scary face. “I was so scared that I thought I was going to pass out…”

You were scary too, you know…

“Really?”

Yeah, I really want to cry when you glared at me…

“So let’s not do that ever again.”

Deal…

But then the crescent eyed girl started to giggle, and the blonde girl was curious. What is it?

“You just called me honey…” She smiled sheepishly.

Oh, you… And she could tell that her blonde girlfriend was blushing.

“Call me that again…” She whispered full of hope.

Only if you call me babe again. It was Jessie’s turn to .

“Oh, Jessie!” And both girls laughed some more.

Well then, honey… Her blonde girlfriend said after they finished laughing. It’s really time for us to go to bed…

“Okay…” She was sad all of a sudden.

“Call me in the morning?” Tiffany asked her.

Do you want me to wake you up?

“Yes, I would love that…” She smiled when she imagined how nice it would be if Jessie’s lovely and soothing voice was the first thing she heard when she opened her eyes.

Okay, then I’ll make sure to call you first thing in the morning… The blue eyed girl said cheerfully.

“But I still want to hear your voice…” Tiffany whined cutely, and she could hear the blonde girl giggling.

Me too, honey… Her blonde girlfriend replied with a long sigh. But we have to go to sleep now or we’re going to be late tomorrow…

“Okay…”

Hey, do you want to know what I’m doing now? Jessie suddenly said out of the blue.

“What?”

I’m still sitting on the floor with no pants on…

“J-Jessie!” Tiffany felt her face and body was hot all of a sudden, and she could hear the blonde girl laughed from the other side of the phone call.

“Ugh, you’re so naughty…”

Why? The blue eyed girl asked innocently. I’m telling you the truth…

“H-Hurry up and put some pants on, then!” Her voice filled the entire dormitory room. “You’re going to catch a cold sitting like that!”

Okay, And Jessie kept on laughing, and Tiffany heard rustling in the background again. Okay…

“Oh, you tease…” And the couple laughed some more, before they fell into silence once again.

Goodnight, Tiff… After a long pause the blonde girl decided to really end their phone call.

“Goodnight, Jessie…” She replied with a long sigh.

And when their conversation ended, Tiffany found herself staring at her phone while picturing the blue eyed girl’s smiling face in her mind. But soon she noticed that she had her own picture as her phone’s wallpaper, and she couldn’t even remember when she switched the photos. She quickly browsed through her gallery as she stood up and headed to her shared bedroom, and smiled happily when she found the same picture she had been staring earlier while she was waiting for her girlfriend to call her. She then pressed a couple of buttons, and her wallpaper changed back to the picture of her and Jessie at the amusement park. The crescent eyed girl then climbed into her bed, careful not to make any sounds to woke up the slanted eyed girl who was sleeping soundly, and spent the next five minutes staring at her phone’s wallpaper until her eyes were heavy and she fell asleep.

Meanwhile at the other side of the town, lying in her bed after a long conversation with her girlfriend, Jessica Jung stared at the ceiling of her bedroom with the most beautiful smile on her face. Yesterday she was filled with doubts and worry that Tiffany would slip away from her arms. Yesterday she was so scared that after everything she had done the crescent eyed girl wouldn’t want to be with her. But now she couldn’t feel happier.

She thought about what happened today and she kept thanking God for blessing her with so much luck that she wondered what she did to earn it. But of course she was grateful and accepted the blessing with all her heart. There was nothing she would want more than this.

The blonde girl closed her eyes and she could see images of Tiffany in her arms, kissing her, telling her that she loved her, and she felt warm all over her body. A part of her questioned if things were moving too fast, but a part of her said that it was worth it, since she had waited literally a lifetime to be together with the girl she loved the most. All that was left for her to do now was to keep their relationship and love for each other stronger by the day, and she knew exactly how she could do so. After all, she had experience from her past life and she had spent her new life to figure it out.

And so with the happiest smile Jessica thanked God once more, and prepared herself to sleep. But as she felt her conscience drifting to the dream world, her cellphone rang, and she instinctively reached out and accepted the phone call.

“Miss me already?” She said as soon as the call connected; pretty sure it was Tiffany who called her.

I do, But it was another voice she heard. I miss you so much, Sica-yah…

“W-Who...” The blonde girl was so surprised that she sat straight in her bed. “Hyoyeon?”

Yes; this is me, The brunette girl . Who else do you think it is?

“W-Why are you calling me?” The blue eyed girl tried to change the topic as she was so embarrassed by her mistake.

Oh, I was just testing to see if you’re still awake, She could hear the dancing girl laughing. And because I miss you too…

“W-What do you want?” She could feel her face was burning.

I just said that I miss you… Hyoyeon pretended to sound hurt. Or were you expecting a call from someone else?

Hmm… The dancing queen kept teasing. Who could it be?

“If there’s nothing you want I’m going to hang up now.”

Actually, But Hyoyeon managed to slip some words that caught her attention. I do have something I want from you…

“What is it?” She tried to act upset, but she knew the self-proclaimed dancing queen had the upper hand.

A favor…

“And what makes you think I would do you a favor?”

Because you owe me, Sica-yah… The brunette girl laughed. You owe me big time…

“Is this about the civil war thing?” Jessica wondered. “But I already treated you at the café—“

--Did you? She could tell that Hyoyeon was grinning widely. Or did you run away at the last minute with your best friend Tippany?

“I…” And the blonde girl suddenly remembered how she left the café without paying first because Tiffany suddenly came back and asked her to come with her.

That was a mistake, Sica… The dancing queen continued. A big mistake…

The girls were upset with you; especially Sooyoung and Yoona…

They had already ordered so many to celebrate, and you just ran away like that…

“I-I can pay them back…” She started to panic.

But you don’t have to, Hyoyeon laughed some more. I already paid for everything…

“T-Then let me pay you instead,” The blonde girl pleaded. “How much was it?”

Oh, it’s fine… But the dancing queen declined her offer, as she had another plan in her mind. I don’t want your money…

I want you to do me a favor…

“I…” And she immediately knew that there was no way out of this. “I…”

Don’t worry, Sica-yah, Hyoyeon continued. I won’t ask you to do anything bad…

Probably… She added with an evil laugh.

“A-Are you blackmailing me?”

Maybe… The brunette girl laughed even louder that it turned scary, and the blue eyed girl couldn’t say anything.

I’ll tell you what it is tomorrow, Hyoyeon suddenly ended the phone call. See you tomorrow, cute Sica…

Jessie froze and her cellphone slipped from her grip and fell down to the bed. She stared at the distance while her mind was all over the place. She gulped in horror when she thought about the things Hyoyeon would probably make her do; and they were mostly embarrassing things.

The night was getting even darker and the silence grew thicker, and she could only hear the deafening sound of the clock in the kitchen ticking and the sound of her own racy heartbeat.

My God, Her eyes instinctively blinked and her mind spoke to her. What have I done?