In the darkness of the small and dirty room, a white clothed girl suddenly appeared. Her dark hair hung loosely around her shoulders, each black strand entangled into one another and creating a long entangled shield over her pale face. A sudden wave of air swirled the dust off an abandoned toy, lying lifelessly on the floor as the little girl dragged her feet across the floor.

The floorboards creaked under her dirt stained feet and the hem of her white dress danced around her ankles as she reached one hand up to the wall, clenched into a loose fist. Knock, knock… Her pale fist collided with the wall, echoing through to the other side before she paused, fist hovering a centimeter from the scratched surface. A piece of wallpaper had been ripped from the wall, creating a small tear in it’s pattern and served to disturb the symmetrical repetitive design. She knocked again.

...Knock, knock.

Slowly, the girl craned her neck to the floor and found the toy lying still abandoned by her feet. She bent down, picking the small bear into her arms and hugged it lightly as flashes of pictures involuntarily flew into her empty mind.

A small toddler smiled brightly up at a tall woman. A soft toy was pushed into his small arms and he accepted it with a grinning face, inspecting it’s lifeless and black pair of eyes before hugging the legs of his mother. “Thank you, mom!”

The girl raised her head from the bear in her hand and looked through the wall in front of her, fist once again raised up against it. Four blue glowing spots filled her vision as she let her hand collide with the hard surface once again. Knock, knock…

Even though the soft fur of the toy failed to brush against her skin in a soothing way, she clutched it tightly against her chest as if desperate for the touch. ...Knock, knock. No emotions filled her chest, no signs of the slightest comfort radiated from the bear in her hands and soon she let it fall lifelessly to the floor once again.

The familiar light of a blue soul appeared by her side and she paused to look at him, no signs of movement even as the boy passed through her and accidentally brushed past the bear she had earlier tossed on the ground. A flash of a life ran past her mind, tossing her around in a stream of events she had never set foot in ever before and she staggered a little as the new information penetrated her brain. “You love him…” she whispered into the dark, facing the wall as she raised a trembling fist to the cold surface. Knock, knock…

“...with all your heart.” she smirked weakly. ...Knock, knock.

“Maybe forever…”

The girl turned slowly on her heel, the white dress fluttering along her thin frame as she dragged her dirty feet over the creaking floorboards once again. A strong wind shook the lonely little bears tiny fur and graced the surface of the floor, ending with a loop around the girls feet.

“...maybe not.” she whispered with a monotonous voice.

***

The following week was a busy schedule for the group, all the members worked hard even though the sleep they were offered were at the minimum to say the least. Not only did they have to wake up in the early morning but they also promoted themselves until late at night. Junhyung still found time to write lyrics now and then amidst the hectic schedule, his infamous doodling pad becoming a more common scene for the rest of the members and Doojoon really wished that he could sit beside the boy at those times.

But Doojoon had problems of his own. Lately his mood swings had been worse than normal and granted, they had had a tough week but was that really an excuse for the dark venom that seemed to slowly cloud his mind. He felt a surge of guilt fill his chest as he remembered how badly he had treated his post as a leader the past week and with a heavy heart he ruffled his black hair in annoyance, anger and disappointment.

He felt himself slowly distancing himself from the members personally, not quite participating in the jokes of the rest and the goofy smile were less and less painted across his face. It wasn’t intentional at first, only that he focused so much on being the good leader that the group needed that he didn’t quite catch the small but meaningful changes in his own behaviour.

He started spending more time discussing with their manager, monitoring their schedule and making sure that each and every member got the rest that they required to properly function through the stressful days. At last, he had more social interactions with the companies staff than the actual members of the group, often working late and bearing more responsibilities than his body could actually handle.

But the guilt clawing at the insides of his ribcage kept him from falling apart, to keep going even though his body ached for him to stop. At some point, he got to know several MCs of different broadcast stations and even helped to provide extra screen time for BEAST by his contacts, the group being invited to shows again and again.

The small victories however, they were never enough for Doojoon and he kept constantly searching for more ways their group could get recognized, more known to the outside world and the fans. They were succeeding, their fan café was expanding but Doojoon was blind. His sight lost as he stumbled around in the dark alone, desperately trying to keep his body from tumbling to the ground in defeat.

The venom had already penetrated his brain, surged through his mind and left him with only the darkest of thoughts to whisper in his ear. No matter how hard he worked, it was never enough. No matter how hard he tried, he was never enough.

***

It had been late at night, far past a decent hour for even an idol to go to bed when Yoseob spotted Doojoon on the couch. He sat alone in the dark, sipping on an ice cold beer as he talked to someone on the phone. “Yeh…” he answered tiredly into it, nodding his head at whatever words were spoken on the other end.

“Yeh, I will. Good night, sir.” he sighed and ended the call, letting his body fall back into the cushions of the couch in utter exhaustion. However, his mind refused to sleep.

“Hey…” Yoseob said softly, joining the leader on the couch with cautious steps, not knowing whether it was okay to chat. He had seen how exhausted Doojoon had been the last couple of weeks and how hard he had suddenly started to work, he needed to rest and Yoseob wanted to tell him to. But the leader had also been distant, and their relationship was nowhere near what it once had been.

“What are you doing up at this hour?” he asked instead, an acceptably safe question that didn’t serve to provoke unnecessary arguments but was still comprehensive enough to make Doojoon watchful of his answer.

“Couldn’t sleep.” He simply stated and took a sip from the can of beer in his hands. It was true, his mind practically rejected sleep all together nowadays and constantly pestered him with thoughts of things he didn’t like with himself instead. He had given up by now.

Yoseob hummed. He wanted to tell the other it was a lie, that he knew it wasn’t the first night he would pull an all nighter but chose not to as he remembered the underlying coldness in the others voice.

“You should go to sleep.” Doojoon reasoned, the lack of emotions in his voice causing a soft shiver to run up Yoseob’s arms. “We have schedule in three hours.”

“I know.” Yoseob answered back, glancing a worried gaze towards Doojoon’s frame in the dark before sighing, hands playing in his lap. “I wish you would try, though.” he mumbled. “To sleep, I mean. Just try...okay?” he looked up at Doojoon with hope in his eyes, pleading that his friend wouldn’t fall too far off the cliff before it was too late to drag him back up again.

“Goodnight.” Yoseob rose from his seat, leaving the leader to sit up alone for yet another night and drown in his self destructive depth of thoughts.

***

Junhyung had brushed off the first few times Doojoon refused to play games with him, talk about nothing until late at night or join him for a short walk to the nearby park like they used to. He had bought the different excuses that would leave the others mouth and just accepted the fact that it just wasn’t the right time.

But the more Junhyung found himself swinging back and forth on the swing in the park by himself, the more he started to doubt the behaviour. At first he thought it was his fault, that maybe he did something he wasn’t suppose to. So he apologized.

“Doojoon…?” Junhyung walked up to the older boy in the kitchen with small steps, suddenly feeling shy and scratching the back of his hair in embarrassment. “Uhmm...Can I talk to you?”

Doojoon turned around from the counter and forced a smile. “Yeah...sure, what is it, Junnie?” he asked, turning back around to keep his boiling ramen from ending up overcooked and slimy as a result.

“Have I...done something to you?” Junhyung let out the question that had been pestering his mind for the past two days.

Doojoon’s body froze for a split second as he was taken aback by the question that reached his ear. He knew why the other was asking him this, he knew he had kept his distance but he himself wasn’t sure how to fix it. “What? No...what makes you think that, Junhyung-ah?” he answered instead, clearing his throat as it suddenly felt much drier than it had before.

“It’s just...I feel like you’re avoiding me these days.” Junhyung confessed, genuine disappointment lacing his voice as he took a careful step forward. “Have I done something?”

“No.” Doojoon sighed. “No, you haven’t done anything. I’m tired and I’m stressed, that’s all.” he turned around from the counter, facing the younger boy in an attempt to convince him of his words. It was at least half of the truth.

Junhyung nodded. He saw how the words didn’t quite reach his eyes but let it slide anyways, thinking that whatever it was that bothered his friend he would come to tell him one day. The day when he was ready.

***

The following morning Doojoon found himself lying beside Yoseob on his bed, still wide awake like the rest of the previous nights but still not as empty as he usually found himself in the morning. The warmth radiating from a smaller body a few centimeter away from his own provided a bit of comfort he imagined lured away a small piece of the darkness in his mind.

It was nice, allowing himself to think that the moment of distraction was working against his demons and slowly he crawled closer to the warm figure, draping an arm around the tiny waist and brushing his chest against the others back. Maybe this was what he needed right now, a distraction.

The noisy alarm that rang through the dorm the next second successfully drew several groans from the sleepy members as they shuffled under their warm blankets. Doojoon remained in his spot, simply squeezing Yoseob’s waist slightly as to encourage the other to open his eyes.

“Wake up, Yoseob-ah. We need to go soon.” he stated lowly and crawled out from the bed. He made his way to the bathroom but stopped for a split second as he met Junhyung’s questioning gaze. He was hurt, Doojoon could see that but as much as he wanted to reach out to touch the boys soft cheek, ensuring him that everything was fine, something tightened in his chest and he kept on walking.

Yoseob leaned his head in his hands and ruffled the already messy hair, too tired to really register the warm spot that had filled the empty space beside his own during the night. He remember pestering the other about sleep but was oblivious to the rest, thus very confused at the hard glare the main rapper sent him first thing in the morning.

Junhyung was hurt at first, then disappointed and at last he found himself angry. Doojoon didn’t have the energy nor the time to spend it chatting with him but he could crawl under the blankets of Yang Yoseob, like the comfort their relationship usually provided wasn’t enough. Something tightened in Junhyung’s chest, squeezing at his heart and leaving him anxiously breathless as he clutched at the front of his shirt.

With anger and confusion he punched his chest with his fist, hoping to will the feeling away and the images in his mind. Doojoon and Yoseob. It hurt. “Stop.” he practically pleaded, whispering the words quietly to his heart as he slowly realized how much he missed their friendship.

Dragging his feet behind him, Junhyung made his way towards the bathroom and knocked softly on the door. He could hear the water running on the other side and already knew it was Doojoon standing underneath the cleansing water. Maybe he didn’t want to talk to him but the boy was too hurt to care at the moment and knocked again, harder and more demanding this time.

Hyunseung walked past the door, sighing deeply at the scene unfolding before him and silently thought back to the old days. When the two had first met and their possibilities were endless. He knew Doojoon’s feelings, the latter didn’t need to tell him for him to know that he still loved Junhyung as much as he had done that first time. The subject wasn’t brought up as often these days, even before Doojoon fell into his bad circle of bad habits, and Hyunseung sometimes wondered if he had given up.

And maybe it was for the best. They were a group now, they had to stick together and one big scandal could blow them away in a heartbeat, leaving them stranded with nowhere to go. Maybe it was for the best after all. Hyunseung patted the boys shoulder in encouragement before silently walking away.

But Junhyung didn’t register the touch as he knocked once again. He couldn’t take the leaders behaviour much longer, he had always been by his side, filled his life with laughter, to no end, cracked silly jokes and touched him every chance that he got but now- Junhyung leaned a hand against the hard wooden surface as the tightness in his chest became overbearing, he felt the tears burn in his throat but struggled to push them down.

The rapper wasn’t one to cry, this being no exception he thought as he curled his fingers into a fist, willing himself to push the lump in his throat down. He wasn’t sure what he had done, why he deserved the others treatment at all and he slammed his fist desperately against the door one more time in pure and utter frustration.

When the door finally opened, revealing a rather pissed looking Doojoon, Junhyung was for a moment at the loss of words. His whole vocabulary was suddenly blown away and he realised that he actually had no idea what he was suppose to say now that he got the others attention. But when the door was about to get closed again, he swiftly placed a foot in it’s way and pushed himself inside the small room, closing the door behind him and leaning against it.

He stared at the floor for a few seconds, trying to organize the thoughts that ran through his mind at a speed he couldn’t quite comprehend. It was all too much right now and what was it he actually wanted with this.

“What do you want?” Doojoon asked, trying to not sound too harsh but finding his voice laced with an underlying coldness even he couldn’t fake or hide. He probably knew the answer to his question but Doojoon frowned nonetheless as he genuinely had thought he cleared that out yesterday in the kitchen.

Junhyung tore his gaze from the tiled floor to look into the eyes of his best friend, shivering at the emotions he found there and heaved a shuddering sigh. “Why are you pushing me away, Doo?” he whispered softly, afraid to anger the other or letting his own emotions flare too far away from his control. “I can see it even now…you don’t want me here” he continued, breath hitching slightly as he flickered his eyes from the others gaze. “...why?”

Doojoon sighed, a hand running through his hair damp hair as he cursed in his mind. “I’m stressed, Junhyung-ah. That’s a-”

“That’s no excuse.” Junhyung shook his head, a weak wry smile painted his face as he realized how stupid he had been the first time he believe those words. “We are all exhausted, Doojoon. We are all at the edge and that is no excuse.” his voice raised slightly as he voiced out the words, he was feeling angrier now, even more disappointed than before as his friend kept lying into his face.

“You know...I used to trust you with everything.” Junhyung chuckled. “You did too, you know. But now?” he asked, pushing his body from the door he had been leaning against and taking a small step forward. “You lie straight to my face.” he tried to spit out the words but failed to keep the real heartache and anguish to sip through from the bottom of his beating heart.

Doojoon was taken aback, not expecting the honesty of the rappers words and the bravery of his confrontation. He had clearly been stupid to think he could get away another time with the same lame excuse and he could see in Junhyung’s eyes how far he had crossed the line this time. But what was he suppose to say, he couldn’t explain the darkness that clouded his mind nor the aching in his body whenever he would see his friend even to himself so how was he suppose to voice his feelings out loud.

“I must be damn stupid, Doojoon, because I have no idea what I have done wrong here and honestly...I’m disappointed at you. We were suppose to be friends forever, remember?”

Doojoon frowned. Of course he remembered, he wouldn’t forget it even when he was sick and dying on his death bed. “I know.” he stated, watching as the other stepped closer with each sentence and unconsciously staggered backwards, earning a flash of hurt in Junhyung’s eyes that the latter quickly hid. But Doojoon didn’t miss it.

“At least talk to me, okay? Doojoon-ah...I can’t understand you if you won’t talk to me.” Junhyung reached out a hand but the latter successfully avoided it, backing away even further and causing a stab to Junhyung’s chest by the small action.

“I-I can’t...I’m sorry, Junhyung-ah…” Doojoon shook his head and brushed past the brown haired boy with a heavy heart. He really wished he could explain himself but at the same time it was suffocatingly hard for him to be in the same room as his best friend. His skin burned and something grabbed at his lungs, cramming the air out of them as if the mere proximity of the other was rejected by his whole body.

He felt confused, vulnerable and afraid by these new feelings but the only person he could talk to was the one he couldn’t be near.

“But I guess Yoseob is okay.” Junhyung’s voice was icy cold when he let the words pass his lips like poison, he was surprised by the hatred he found in his chest for the blonde and innocent member but he didn’t really stop to care. “I guess you’ve found someone else.” Junhyung gritted his teeth, the hands at his sides curling into trembling fists as he stubbornly forced away the forming tears in his eyes. He wasn’t going to cry, not like this, not over him.

Doojoon ignored the edgy knife that cut sharply through his soul at the sound of Junhyung’s cracking voice, he lifted his hand up to the door handle and bit his lip before opening it and leaving the boy behind.

A lonely tear fell down Junhyung’s cheek as he dug his nails into his shaking fists, ignoring the wet trail as a hundred thoughts ran through his mind. Over and over, his mind replayed how unfair the situation felt and Junhyung let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, finally reaching up a hand to wipe away the stupid tear that had escaped through his walls of protection.

Doojoon’s actions had dug deep, even creating a crack in those walls and allowing a tear to slip through it and it hurt, so much. Knowing that he had that much control over his life, that his presence in it was so utterly important to Junhyung’s soul.

With a solemn feeling washing over his entire body, Junhyung walked to the bathroom door and locked it before stripping off his clothes and retreated to the shower. The water rinsed the dirt from his body but failed to erase the aching parts of his heart, leaving him empty and drained as he joined the rest of the members in the living room.

***

The girl clutched at the bear in her hands, staring impassively in front of her from the corner of the small bathroom where she sat with the soft toy in a tight embrace. The tile floor was cold to the touch but the girl didn’t feel the coldness against her numb skin as she watched the scene unfold before her eyes.

The two souls shone brightly in front of her, even blinding, but one of them contained a poisonous venom slowly eating away at it’s conscience. She smiled coldly, patting the bears head with her pale hand as she watched how their proximity made the venom go haywire.

She chuckled a little when the venomous soul left to the safety behind the door, the sound ringing painfully empty against the walls of the bathroom. She knew this was going to be a game hard to play for both of the poor souls but if they passed, she also knew that little could stop them.

With an empty gaze, she looked down at the motionless toy in her hands and whispered. “All he needs is to touch.” she smiled crookedly. “But he doesn’t know that, Mr. Bear.” the girl shook her head, the long black hair swaying a little in it’s entangled state as she looked up at the blue soul still standing in the room. “If only he knew...how easily he could win this game.”

---

So...update...again. What am I doing with my life? lol. Anyways, I'm sorry for any mistakes in this chapter and if it's a little, I don't know, jumpy? confusing? I have no idea where this idea came from but ghosts...yeah...haha, I'm gonna leave the judging to you guys so please tell me what you think about this.

Bye~