Eight
Yong Hwa


 

I groan and want to bang my head against the closest wall when I see her leaving the room. I didn't mean to make her angry or to offend her, it's just that seeing her confuses me so much because I can't understand how it's possible that I feel like this. And I can't understand why all my band mates follow her with wide smiles as if they were totally enamoured with her. And that really pisses me off. I'm trying hard to understand but no matter how much I think about it, I can't figure her out. She claims not knowing what I mean and if really think of what I implied, I sound like a mad man.

If I continue like this I'll only make her hate me and even if that sounds like a good idea, I don't want it. I just want her to stop making me feel this way, so exposed and confused. I don't want to feel like she has some sort of power over me, that's all. But when she's angry, when that fire burns in her eyes I feel even more drawn to get, which is really messed up, I know.

Seriously, what am I doing? What am I trying to accomplish here? Because my methods haven’t been clever or successful so far. She said she want us to stay apart from each other but I find myself moving towards her before I realise what I'm doing. I didn't even think of looking for the boss to ask for my clothes, I just went to her.

Ugh, I feel like two different people at the same time. One wants to run away from her as fast as I can, the other just wants to grab her in his arms. I don't even know which side is winning. I'm pretty sure it would be easier to just go after her and give in to this attraction; fighting it is clearly harder than any other thing I've tried, but I don't want to end up like Appa or anything remotely similar. If this is actually love at first sight, I can only run away from it for my own sake.

I feel so exhausted that my legs give in under my own weight and I find myself with my knees on my chest and my bum touching my ankles. I release a heave sigh trying to clear my mind, but she is all I can think of, all I can see in my head. Like an infection, she's everywhere.

"Park Shin Hye," I whisper, trying her name and I swear I feel my chest tightening and I'm about to jump on my feet and go after her.

Really, what's happening to me? I've never experienced something like this before and it is honestly scary. Pop culture says to always follow your heart, but I wonder if they'd say the same if they knew how painful and pathetic the result of following your heart can be. This one can be so whimsical and unpredictable and you can never be certain of how someone else's heart is going to behave.

I don't like gambling and this feels like gambling.

"Aish!" I exclaim. "Stop it, stop it now!" I yell at myself, rising to my feet and shaking my head several times. I just want to feel at ease again, in control. I hate this hopeless feeling in my guts and it makes me resent her for making me go through this, but it's not her fault.

I really can't reach a consensus, can I?

I decide the best is just to get dressed and go play before I lose my mind. I hurry back in my own cold and damp clothes, and then fold the ones that she lent me, leaving them there. I don't know what else to do and I don't want to dwell on it. I go back to the bar and notice my mates are already on stage so I join them. They look at me with worried expressions that make me wonder what my face looks like right now.

As we get ready I steal a quick glance scanning the audience and, for some reason, I find her immediately at the bar, talking over the open window to the kitchen with the tall guy, her friend. I grip the bridge of my guitar even tighter when I see them laughing, clearly having a good time. Her whole face seems to be glowing and he looks at her with adoration, and I feel rage burning in the pit of my stomach. Why does she look so happy and radiant while talking to him? How close are they? But most importantly, did I really lose my mind to feel this way? It's almost as if I were jealous.

The tall guy points at us and she turns around, her eyes finding me first and she loses her smile before sighing heavily. She tells him something else before she heads towards here, not meeting my eyes again, but surely smiling lovingly at my three band mates. Then she stands in front of the microphone I will use next.

"Good night, everyone!" she exclaims over the mic. "We have a new band with us so instead of listening to me blabbering, let's give it up to CNBLUE!" she cheers and almost everyone claps politely before she steps down and I approach the mic she just used.

I don't say a word; I just strike the first chord once Min Hyuk finishes the counting. We start with I'm Sorry because it's a catchy song that would get the audience’s attention and we are not wrong with that assumption. Soon everyone is paying attention and by the chorus we can say we've got some fans already. They clap and dance to the music, to my voice singing every syllable as if it were my last performance. I grin content when I see the reaction and by the time the song is over I dare to look at Shin Hye and her expression fires me up more than the crowd cheering for us. She looks captivated, mesmerised and completely caught up in the adrenaline of the live performance. And even if she said that she didn’t want to have to deal with me before, her eyes are on me and it takes us a second to lock our glances. I feel my heart beating even faster and seeing her almost flustered makes me grin widely, as she hasn't seen me yet. She loses her won smile and looks a bit suffocated, and that makes me grin even wider.

"We are CNBLUE," I say to the microphone, addressing the whole audience, but my eyes are still on her. I can't break the contact. "And you'll see us here more often," I continue before Min Hyuk does another countdown and we play the next song.

This time I don't only focus on the audience when I sing, I also make sure to look at her, to see how she is reacting and when our eyes meet, she looks away and I'm pretty sure she blushes. For some reason, I love that reaction and I want to see it all the time. Maybe it's because it shows I can also have some control here, that I affect her even if it's only when I'm on stage. I like knowing I'm not the only one in this situation, even if she seems completely under control when we talk and I'm the only one acting like a rude idiot.

We play some more songs and the crowd is now at our feet, girls screaming already and we are all breathing heavily but extremely content. We've played before for some minor audiences, but it's great knowing we will be regulars here and that we might get a chance to be eventually discovered, as it's happened to others before us.

As I stand there, holding my guitar and looking at the crowd I feel more like myself, which allows me to think more clearly, and to push the boss' daughter at the back of my mind instead of letting her consume all my thoughts. When I'm on stage, I get back control and it seems she's the one who loses it and maybe I shouldn't feel like this, but I think it's interesting. Maybe I'll explore some more this situation. Maybe I just need another approach that suits me better.
 

Did you like the chapter? I hope so. I wanted to update yesterday but my wifi didn't cooperate D: anyhow, let me know on your comments and always thank you for interacting with me!

Fighting,
Bel, xx