Twelve
Yong Hwa

 

I have a huge problem and I'm not sure whom to turn to for help. I don't think my friends can understand or help me without mocking me. I'm not confident enough to tell them what's going through my head but if I don't get this out of my system I think I might drown. I feel like choking already.

My problem is Park Shin Hye. Yes, she's still my problem.

I try to stay away from her and I want her even more. I get closer to drive her mad and I can barely control myself. I can't stop thinking of her, even when I'm busy doing something else, another thing will bring her back to my mind no matter how hard I push her. And my biggest problem is that I'm getting exhausted, I don't know if I can keep this up but it terrifies me to be so vulnerable and messed up because of one girl. But what scares me the most is that maybe my appa is the only one who could understand me. What does that say about me if Appa is the only one whom I can talk to about this problem? If he’s the only one who could understand what I'm going through?

Maybe it's better humiliate myself in front of my friends…

"Yong," someone calls and I'm pretty sure I've been called a few other times before I actually listen and react. Appa is watching me with concern furrowing his brow. "Yong, are you all right? Why do you look so absentminded? Is there something worrying you?"

Despite everything he's a clever and quick man, and he knows me better than anyone else because it's always been the two of us. He raised me on his own, so of course he knows when I'm not all right.

"It's nothing," I try to deceive him but I sigh when I see his stern expression. Of course he doesn't buy such half-felt answer. "It's just that… well… there's this girl at the bar I work at, the owner's daughter," I start and Appa watches me carefully, listening to all my words. "And well, since I met I've felt this crazy pull towards her, completely irrational. Like what you describe you felt when meeting Omma," I explain and his eyebrows raise in surprise but he doesn't interrupt me. "And we'll I—you know me, I don't want that so I've been fighting it. Fighting her. But no matter how much I avoid her or try to make her dislike me, I just want her even more. Appa, did I go mad?" I ask because I don't even understand what I'm feeling. "I don't want to fall for a girl who might just leave me. I don't want to be tied to someone and then… then give her the chance to leave me hanging like—" I leave the sentence hanging but there's no need to say what I meant to say. Appa understands before I can utter the words and I look down with shame burning in my guts.

 I didn't want to offend him even if I've said this many times before. It's still wrong to tell that to my father, the man who's beside me all my life. But I can't lie, I am scared of becoming like him.

"If you like this girl that much, isn't it easier to stop fighting and just go for her?" he ponders and I sigh heavily. That's pretty much what my friends would've told me. Appa is no different.

"Certainly easier but not wiser," I mumble and Appa chuckles. That surprises me because the gesture is almost mocking, as if he were laughing at me for being dense and not understanding a concept that he's explained a billion times.

"Are you confident about that? Look at you now: all troubled. Wouldn't you feel better if you went after her? Or is it maybe she doesn't feel the same way and you're scared that—"

"I'm pretty sure she feels the same way," I cut him off with a loud tone that surprises me. I blink in astonishment and he laughs again, not so mocking this time.

"Then why are you stopping yourself? You think your omma left me just because she didn't love me anymore or because she loved that other man better?" he questions and I my head to the right because that's all what I've believed since I learnt the truth but it seems there's more to it considering his tone. "Oh no, that's my fault, too, Yong Hwa-yah. I failed at keeping her by my side. I failed at keeping her in love with me. You think love is one-sided? A person won't stay in love forever without some nursing from the other, some encouragement. I took your omma's love for granted. I thought that because I loved her so much she ought to love me the same way but I didn't notice that someone could love her even better. You think I didn't beg her to stay? Or to come back? I did but she told me she didn't feel loved anymore. That I had changed and she felt just like an accessory."

I only blink because I've never heard this part of the story, I always antagonised my mother and never thought that my father could also be responsible.

"That's why I wait for her, Yong Hwa-yah. Not just because I still love her but also because I'm repenting, it's my way to show her that I'm sorry for not always reminding her how much she meant to me. So you say this girl might leave you? Then it's your job to make sure she doesn't want to leave you. If you decide to go after her, make sure she won't have eyes for anyone else. And if even after you gave it your all she leaves you, then you won't have a single thing to regret because you did your best. You tried and that's better than not trying at all and then questioning what if. You'll never know if she'll leave you unless you try and who knows? Maybe she'll stay forever, even if you don't want her. Maybe you'll part in mutual agreement. Maybe you'll leave her. Or maybe it'll work out." Appa smiles at me as he pats my shoulder. "My point is to have to try if she's what you want now, and if you try, then try your best. You know, go big or go home."

I'm still speechless by the time he finishes his lecture. I've learnt things I didn't expect and saw things from another perspective. And I think now I understand why he's never held any resentment towards Omma, because he never blamed her at all. Things change a lot when you know the full story, which makes me think how much does my opinion regarding Shin Hye changes now that I know this and I have this new perspective.

Appa is right that if I don't want someone to leave me then I have to do my best for her not to see any other man. I have to keep her in love, if that's what I want, which I'm not saying is what I want. And it's true that if I try my best I won't regret if things don't work out, besides, being like the way he is, hopelessly waiting, is Appa's decision, it's not the only outcome. Not because I give into this attraction it means I'll end up like him. Things might work out for me, or they might not. But I'll never know unless I give all this a shot.

Do I want to give it a shot? That’s the real question. Do I really want to know where this will take me? Do I want to keep pushing her away, pretending we don't know each other whilst at night she's all I think about before falling asleep? Or do I want to give in and enjoy, laugh with her like my friends do, make her smile so beautifully and let her touch my own heart?

What do I want?

Do I want to fall in love or keep the meaningless encounters? Do I feel as intensely as this sensation promises me or do I want to burry it all to never be seen again?

I don't know what I want and I'm still scared but I do know one thing: I want Park Shin Hye.    

I'm sorry for the lack of updates, but I'm finishing my major so I'm struggling with finals and my thesis and all those Uni things.

Bel, xx