#MISSING1stWIN! LOVE U GUYS SO MUCH! Congrats~!

Four

Niel, for the first time since he was a teenager, imagined it was C.A.P who ed him. He closed his eyes and it was like he could feel C.A.P’s hands running over his body rather than those of his boyfriend. He reacted eagerly, opening his body for Minwoo with renewed enthusiasm. He kept his eyes hut as he focused on the sensations felt through his body and his heightened imagination.

The hands, the kisses, the press of C.A.P’s body, his scent, it was all so clearly envisioned almost as if he were transported to another place, to a different bed, in a prior time. His had him balling his fist in the expensive cotton sheets. After his lover pulled away, Niel turned to his side, feeling a haze of post coital drowsiness. His eyes opened lazily as he stared at the bare wall. He felt Minwoo stirring beside him and then the warmth of his breath as he spoke into his ear.

“Imagine him all you’d like.”

Niel felt gentle fingers his sweaty locks of hair away from his head and a familiar wave of guilt washed over him with each word.

“He’ll never love you like I do.”

Niel’s eyes squeezed shut as Minwoo’s calm voice continued on.

“No one ever will.”

---

Yoga was no joke and if C.A.P ever had the body for it he certainly didn’t anymore. Strangely enough he was more fit before entering the military or at the very least he’d just become stiffer. It had only been a brief morning session and already he was spent. If there was ever a time C.A.P needed a reminder about why he even decided to become an idol the time had come.

All he could do after the grueling effort was lie on the dance room floor as he waited for the three youngest members to join him for dance practice. His day’s schedule was as follows: morning meeting with the boss, his manager and Andy included. Afterwards he was given a mandatory yoga lesson where he was informed he would join the others for group yoga in a week. Next on the list was group dance practice followed by lunch, group development, weight training and then personal development.

Where group development involved talking and working on projects and weak points as a team, personal development focused on the member’s own individual goals. Before enlistment C.A.P remembered he and L.Joe spending most of the time on composition. It was always his favorite part.

At the moment though, especially after that tedious morning meeting and the following yoga class C.A.P just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep off the rest of the day or preferably for a week.

However, that just as not an option so he took the next best course and stretched out on the practice floor with his sweat towel placed over his head and arms folded into a pillow as he tried to nap.

He was just about to drift off when a loud banging sound roused him and se sat up suddenly wide awake. The towel fell off of his face and he squinted against the light.

“Sorry hyung. Did I wake you?”

C.A.P grabbed his head and looked at Changjo who had just came in, back pack slung over one shoulder and dressed in his dancing clothes. Ricky was following close behind him. C.A.P groaned as Ricky drew near. The visual maknae dropped to his knees at C.A.P’s side and beamed a bright smile.

“How was the meeting? How was yoga?” he asked.

“Hell,” was C.A.P’s curt reply.

“We had yoga today too,” Ricky informed. “They said you’re joining us next time.”

“They told me next week.”

“We only do yoga once a week.”

That was a relief.

“Our hiatus schedule is pretty light. Dance twice a week, weights twice, yoga once, personal training three times,” Ricky counted on his finger. “I’m guessing once Byunghun comes back though it’ll pick up again.”

“I still dance every day,” Changjo said surprising no one. “And so should you, Changhyun. You’re slacking.”

“Am not!” Ricky shot back in protest. “I just finished a movie. It’s called a break.”

Activities for the trio left behind varied. The three came back once early in the year as a unit. Then there were also Niel’s appearances on various varieties and a semi-fixed spot on the show “Neighborhood Watch”. Ricky had his acting, having finished a supporting role in a drama with Shin Se Kyung and just wrapped up filming a movie where he played a pretty major role. Then there was Changjo who featured in two songs within the time frame and released a solo digital single. He also worked closely with some trainees teaching them dance.

“Anyway we still have a month until Byunghun’s discharge so there will be plenty of time to get in shape,” Ricky reasoned.

“Yeah those other hyungs make the most mistakes so they need the most practice time,” Changjo laughed earning him a playful punch in the shoulder from Ricky.

C.A.P decided to ignore them at that point as the two maknae began to chat animatedly to each other as they started to stretch and warm up. He didn’t mind his third wheel status. There was nothing wrong with being left alone. He rested, blocking out the idle chatter of the other two occupants of the room. Unfortunately though, once again when sleep was about to overtake him he was subjected to a harsh prodding at his foot.

“Hyung! We have to stretch now. Everybody’s here.”

C.A.P sat up, adjusting the cap on his head and yawning. Sure enough everyone was there. The two kids as well as Niel and Minwoo.

“What are you doing here?” the words left his mouth before he even thought.

Niel and Minwoo looked over from where they sat nearby. Niel was in the middle of stretching and Minwoo sat against the wall, one leg folded beneath the other and holding a bottle of water.

“Is that how you greet a hyung after such a long time?” Minwoo asked, actually looking a bit wounded.

“Hey, hyung. How have you been?” C.A.P amended his greeting.

“Busy,” Minwoo replied with a smile.

“Hyung is the trending actor right now,” beamed Ricky still by C.A.P’s side.

“It’s not easy to remain relevant after enlistment,” advised Minwoo. “But somehow I’m doing a bit better for myself than I was. I wish you and the others the best of luck.”

“We don’t need it,” Changjo retorted at the risk of sounding a little ungrateful. “Teentop has never really left after all. Our name has stayed in the public eye even with the hyungs gone.”

“I suppose that’s true,” agreed Minwoo.

After those words the maknae stood crossing the room to fiddle with the audio equipment, sorting the song selection.

“You guys ready?” he asked.

“Just about,” chirped Ricky.

Practice started soon after that. Minwoo stayed in the room and he couldn’t help but be annoyed by it but once hey really got into the swing of things C.A.P couldn’t bring himself to be bothered. Dancing wasn’t his favorite part of his job but he’d run through the routines so much that even when rusty some of the songs just came back to him as if by mere muscle memory.

“Clap” and “To You” were two songs he found he could just dance as if in a trance. They were sloppy in parts as was all of his dance movements, but the base knowledge of it was there. Some of the other dances on the other hand needed a lot more attention. Even if the movers were somewhere in his brain there was entire gaps in his recollection of the song.

Was he supposed to stand there? Wasn’t there a hand move there? He could have sworn Ricky was supposed to be beside him at that part. Those were the types of thoughts in his mind and it was made worse with the absence of two in their team. He couldn’t wait until the other two got back.

Dancing for three minutes alone was exhausting. A two hour practice had him spent. He had to call for a break, he was leader after all and it was one of those rare incidents where he had to abuse his authority.

His legs, now a stable as unsettled gelatin, folded beneath him as Changjo accepted his pleas and turned off the music.

“Can’t we just take lunch now?” C.A.P murmured from the floor.

“No there is still an hour before noon. Are you serious?” the maknae asked in reply.

C.A.P just really didn’t want to dance any longer.

“What are we doing for lunch anyway?” Ricky asked, chest heaving.

He was obviously also tired. Everyone was. They just all still had their higher tolerance for it.

“We should just get delivery and eat here,” replied Changjo.

C.A.P said nothing but agreed wholeheartedly. He was too tired to even think of going out unless he crawled through the door.

“Daniel and I were planning to go out to get sandwiches. Did you want to come?” Minwoo asked from where he still sat in the room.

C.A.P turned his tired eyes toward the eldest n the room. He had nearly forgotten the other was there and never once left the entire session. Niel had sat down beside him and grabbed his towel, dabbing at the sweat on his brow. C.A.P had to look away from the gentle smile the couple shared.

As much as he hated to admit it, C.A.P knew that he and Niel probably never looked that sweet together.

“I’ not in the mood for sandwiches,” C.A.P said.

“Really? Then what would you like? My treat as congratulations and all of that,” offered Minwoo.

Would it be rude to say that he just didn’t want to spend more time than necessary with Minwoo. He opted to respectfully decline.

“Just think about it,” was Minwoo’s reply.

“OK, so then 10 minutes,” Changjo said finally standing up again before turning to address only his boyfriend. “Changhyun ah, come with me to the vending machine.”

“Sure,” the other chirped and the two went out.

That left only the three alone. Niel was checking his phone and drinking his water.

“Ah, I got a message from Sungyeol hyung,” he said leaning over towards Minwoo. “Looks like his fans just donated a million won to an owl sanctuary.”

“What the heck?” Minwoo chuckled, leaning closer as he took a look at the picture Niel showed him.

“Just because of the owl face thing he did years ago,” Niel chortled.

“Yeah but you know with fans nothing really dies. Jokes, mistakes, pairings, they hold onto that stuff forever,” replied Minwoo.

“Like when Chanhee was publically dating Jiyeon and they still kept pushing for Chunjoe?”

“Aren’t all of your members in ships that never die, yourself included?” remarked Minwoo.

Niel shot a sharp glance at C.A.P who looked like he was dead on the group and not even listening.

“Oh my god, Minwoo!” He hissed only for Minwoo to pull him close by the waist and ruffle his hair.

Minwoo let go and Niel pulled away, smoothing down his wayward strands. Minwoo glanced down at his phone.

“Ah, it’s time for me to meet with my manager. Wait for me here after your practice so we can get lunch, OK?”

Niel nodded, “OK!”

As soon as the door closed behind Minwoo Niel scooted across the floor to where C.A.P was sprawled out on his front. He gently tapped him with the end of his water bottle.

“Hyung! I know you’re not sleep,” he sounded annoyed.

Niel was right. C.A.P wasn’t asleep and after being attacked on his spine he turned to his side and gave the vocalist his unyielding attention. He had been listening to everything anyway, even the subtle mention of he and Niel’s fanpairing, N.A.P.

“I never said I was,” he said. “I’m resting.”

“Old man.”

C.A.P didn’t even bother to deny it.

“Anyway what’s with you?” asked Niel.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for one Minwoo was trying to be nice to you. He offered to buy you lunch and you totally blew him off.”

A pause.

“Did I?” came the eventual reply.

“You totally did,” pouted Niel and he reclined on the floor beside C.A.P so they laid face to face.

“Wasn’t my intention.”

Niel clicked his tongue, “The offer still stands you know. Just tell us if you want to come with.”

“I’m good,” declined the tired rapper.

Niel sighed, letting his eyes close. C.A.P could tell from the tone that Niel was weighing something on his mind but it didn’t stop him from admiring the perfect form of Niel’s face and how soft and plush his cheeks look against the pillow formed by his arm. When Niel opened his eyes again he spoke.

“Hyung, be honest with me, are you mad?”

“About what?”

“The fact that I’m with Minwoo.”

“Why would I be mad?” C.A.P asked.

Niel glared and they both knew that C.A.P had plenty of reasons to be upset.

“Do you want me to list them out?” Niel deadpanned.

C.A.P shook his head, “I’d rather you not.”

“Look, if it were anyone else…like if I got with, I don’t know, Woohyun or someone like that who was unrelated, I wouldn’t be asking this but I mean….” Niel had the audacity to look a bit sheepish. “Well… ah, I can see how it must look seeing as I cheated on you with him and all. I’m sorry.”

C.A.P resisted the urge to speak, to ask why he did it then if he knew how it must look. How much then did C.A.P ever mean to Niel? Was he nobody compared to Minwoo? If he knew how bad it looked or how ty it could possibly make him feel—and C.A.P refused to let himself feel ty about it—then why would he do it?

But C.A.P didn’t ask any of that. Instead he merely repeated the same sentiment he’d said since finding out and thusly convinced himself it was how he really felt.

“No, I’m happy for you. Apparently he was the bigger man.”

The last sentence was unnecessary and C.A.P saw the way Niel’s eyes swirled with some somber emotion, a storm brewing in those dark eyes, the meaning of which C.A.P could not read.

“Do you still like me?”

Ok, that one took C.A.P completely by surprise. He sat up and glanced down at the other with a look of incredulity.

“Wait, no, hyung,” Niel reached grabbed C.A.P’s forearm as he sat up as well. “I never thought you did! I’m not saying that you do! Just… it’s Byunghun. He talked to me. He was concerned that something might happen between us again.”

“What did you tell him?”

C.A.P’s heart rate began to soar. He could barely hear Niel over the roar of his own pulse in his ear.

“I told him that I’m happy now with Minwoo and—“ Niel trailed off.

“And?” encouraged C.A.P.

“And he said that he though you still had feelings for me. I told him that you didn’t but I guess its best I make sure… clear the thing up and start on a fresh page.”

C.A.P thought the page was already made clear years ago. SO why was it suddenly getting muddled with spilt ink? He felt Niel’s warm grip on his arm as if it were a burning fire. He looked down at those beautiful fingers, the thing arm of their owner, and finally rested his eyes again on Niel’s beautiful face.

Niel.

Why did it always have to be Niel? Why could it only be Niel who caused him to react? Why was it Niel who made him feel more alive than even the rush of a successful concert? Why was it Niel who also caused him to feel a misery more acute than death? He forgot how it felt to love because he convinced himself for so long that he didn’t ned it.

But why? For what reason did he not need it? Because it had to be Niel! That was the reason why. He wanted it from no one else but he’d already destroyed his chances. His hope of being with Niel had died with the birth of the awareness of the awful crimes he committed against someone who was supposed to be so special to him.

He’d hurt Niel in more ways than most would think possible. He’d crushed his neck with hands that were meant to gently hold him, bruised ribs with feet meant to walk alongside him, and doubted the heart that had been held out to him in all of its vulnerability. And for what reason? Was it to prove he was a man when all he did was prove otherwise?

He didn’t deserve another chance so he never allowed himself to hope for one. That was how he could deceive himself into thinking he was happy.

“Byunghun’s wrong,” C.A.P lied and glanced down so Niel couldn’t read what was really in his heart through his eyes.

“I’m glad,” came Niel’s reply.

And why did that reply have to hurt so much to hear?

“I knew you didn’t like me. So there’s nothing to worry about.”

Niel honestly sounded relieved and his hand dropped from where it held C.A.P’s arm and rested at his side. C.A.P missed his heat.

“To be honest….,” Niel began, pulling his legs up and wrapping his arms around his knees. “I really loved you.”

Loved.

“It took me so long to get over you it was crazy,” Niel mused. “Despite everything that happened I just couldn’t—“

Why did C.A.P feel like he was being broken up with for the second time? He looked over to see Niel rest his chin on his knees. The long haired singer’s next words came out in an almost whisper.

“If you still liked me I…”

Niel buried his face in his knees and didn’t say another word. C.A.P watched him, feeling as if they were in some hallowed silence, that he couldn’t disturb the air around them.

The door flew open at that moment, the back of it banging loudly against the wall. The maknae pair returned with a burst of unwelcomed noise, seemingly unaware of the air in the room, commenting lightly on Minwoo’s disappearance and setting down their bottles of sugary sports drink.

Needless to say C.A.P didn’t speak any more after that. And when Minwoo came by to get Niel after practice C.A.P made sure he looked the other way.

-to be continued-

AN: WOOO wanted to post this chapter yesterday because the win but yeah life doesn't work that way!

anyway wow these chapters have a lot of nothing going on. i wanted the fic to have a more slow and "mature" feeling to it ahhhh but i don't know if that's really how it's coming off. anyway WELL look at that NAP ppl! what are they rambling about? Are they stupid or are they stupid? Meh actually I guess I think they're kinddd of reasonable. THey're trying to be mature about it... *cough*

thanks everyone who actually reads this! thanks for all comments, subs and all the fun things that come along sometimes with writing ^^ LOVE U

mega AN u can skip about CHUNJOE;

ok so i think popular opinion is like "uhm why aren't chunjoe getting it on in ur fic like yooo where the chunjoe at, son!" and i'm like "i knowwww I really feel chunjoe so much in this fic. I feel like they have a real connection and yet dang it! they're not together!"

WHY? well I just feel like it adds to the realisticness of fic when everyone isn't gay. I feel lie there is nothing wrong with everyone being gay but statistically most people just aren't gay. And I don't want to make it be like everyone in the band is like "I not gay but i am gay for you!". It just takes aaway from the credibility in my opinion. Like i said ain't nothing wrong with being gay just statistically they all won't be gay.

Which because honestly even since "Butterfly on Your blah bla" I felt like ChunJoe had the best chemistry/dynamic of every single pair in the dang series. But when I first sstarted writing that fic I kinda of settled on this canon on ualies IN THIS UNIVERSE (aka, this is not what I feel in real life! This is just their ualities in THIS UNIVERSE! of these fics

Niel, gay. that man is gay and always been gay
C.A.P; he is demiual... which actually the author (me) is not so clear on but I think it works for his character in this universe. taken from wikipedia "demiual; a person who... feel romantic attraction or ual attraction once a reasonably stable or large emotional connection has been created"
Changjo: biual. he likes dudes and chicks
Ricky: he's straight but is in a situational homoual relationship. "Situational ual behavior is ual behavior that is different from that which the person normally exhibits, due to a social environment that in some way permits, encourages, or compels the behavior...One example ... is when individuals or members of a community might engage in homoual behaviors but identify as heteroual otherwise, such as some people in... -segregated communities." I will say this though. Ricky DOES have feelings for Changjo and he does love him but if he never actually met Changjo and wasn't in teentop with him he'd never be with a man.
L.Joe and Chunji: straight, but they have experimented with each other in their younger years (see situational ual behavior lol)

ok so yeah I SHIP CHUNJOE in this fic but... too bad. oh yeah and the Jiyeon mentioned in this chapter is T-ARA Jiyeon.