Seventeen

Yoo Changhyun was not as naive as his image would have one think he was. He was the visual maknae and even now in his twenties he still projected that fresh cute image of innocence that hid the underlying growth he'd undergone. Gone was the young boy of his youth replaced now by an older widened version of him.

Ricky understood the world was wicked, that things weren't always beautiful. He knew the ache of failure and the pulse of success as much as he knew the stagnant feeling of immobility. The taste of heartbreak was also familiar to the young man coupled with the sweet scent of a beautiful love in bloom. He experienced both the hard flesh of a man and the soft supple and yielding form of a woman. He hurt and had been hurt in return and he'd said 'I love you' without having ever meant it.

His could be argued as a relation of convenience. He never looked at another man the way he looked at Changjo and never had the desire to. And though they'd broken up once and he'd gone his own way to embrace and attempt to love a woman it fell through. Schedules were too different and demanding to hold a conventional relationship. Dating a member was strangely the easiest thing one.

Thinking back to a time years ago when he'd beat his fist into his pillow over the shallowness of love in the entertainment industry left Ricky feeling nostalgic for the boy he used to be. He was so optimistic. He wanted to see the good in everyone and convinced himself that he was the person he wanted to be. He wasn't. Nostalgia was merely a longing for the person he could have been. He could have been a good person who touched and kissed a person because their heart ached only for them but he had long since admitted that wasn't who he was.

Having once scoffed and scorned Chunji and L.Joe for not taking things seriously, Ricky did try to be as sincere as possible. It had to be Changjo. Nobody else would do, if he was to be in the arrangement with anyone.

What arrangement? That weird beast that disguised itself as love between members within a same band. He'd seen it a lot through the years as his eyes became opened to the workings of his industry. It was hard for idols to date and strange schedules and living conditions brought about the unlikeliest of couples. Some managed to have a normal relationship with an industry outsider but it was rare. Instead they dated someone within their ranks, another idol of the opposite or in some circumstances one of their own members.

Yunho and Changmin. These were couples everyone knew about that came together because of their situations and proximity. They matched well but there was the tacit understanding that if things had been different, if any part of their time line altered they probably would have never came to be.

It never even occurred to Ricky that he and Changjo could be that type of couple until he met Sammy, two years his junior and a rookie. She was cute like many of the girls debuting in that time and yet she had something more, an ability the others hadn't possessed. She hooked Ricky and pulled and caught him just as he caught her in an embrace tearing asunder the relationship he had already established with . Suddenly he remembered all of the dreams he put behind him of marriage, a wife and kids, because he and Changjo wouldn't be able to have that and he realized that Sammy could give him all of that.

The relationship didn't last. The usual things came between them and like nearly every idol relationship it just dissolved in a eye blink scandal and then he was Changjo's again.

Ricky had fallen trap to the thing he loathed. He was as simple and insincere as the people he criticized and he was only thankful that Changjo didn't call him out on it. Changjo was understanding. He was hurt and it showed but they were able to reconcile and get back together. But there still hung that unspoken awareness on both of their parts that Ricky might do it again.

He loved Changjo, he did, but if things were different, if they parted ways and went out in the real world would things last? They were together because the group was together. The situation made things real.

All of those heavy thoughts, the memory of the few months with Sammy, the nature of his relationship with Changjo, and the ties that kept them together, were what occupied the older time and relationship wizened Ricky's mind after work. The four members, the pairs fans affectionately referred to as Changrick and Chunjoe were all home. C.A.P however was not having been picked up by Niel only 30 minutes prior.

It was strange to watch the pair still obviously in love despite the trials and obstacles that were constantly thrown in their path, many of them self-made. Niel and C.A.P were drawn together like magnets to the opposite pole and repelled each other as well. He didn't think there would be a problem this time, after all Niel was with Minwoo, but there was always a lack of passion between that hyung and his friend.

He wondered then the nature of that relationship. Niel and C.A.P were more than just a situation of convenience. It never was that, and Ricky wondered if they were a couple who were inevitable. Regardless of where the path of life took them, idol or not, they'd have crossed. Their lifelines would tangle together and knot.

It was at once both romantic and tragic. Their pasts rendered them basically incompatible and yet their hearts insisted on carrying on.

If he and Changjo experienced that would they continue to walk together? He wanted to say yes but the realist in him had to doubt it. He wasn't a masochist after all.

His thoughts turned with the obvious footfalls of his boyfriend as he approached the room. The door swung open and then he felt the weight of Changjo's body dimpling the bed. Flopping down on the bed and pushing his socks off with his feet Changjo held out a cup of hot noodles under Ricky's face. As Ricky accepted the gift and sat up he noted that the socks now laying haphazardly across the wood floor were his own.

“You're wearing my socks.”

“What's yours is mine,” was Changjo's simple reply as he balanced his own noodles on his knee and handed his boyfriend some chopsticks.

“Thanks.”

Changjo grunted a reply as his mouth was suddenly full of dinner. Ricky began eating his own meal as well. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until he began to eat it and he silently thanked Changjo for always knowing what he needed when even he didn't. His relationship with Changjo had its ups and down of course, like any other. But when he really thought about it, it was decidedly pretty easy because they were like best friends and the tender actions just came automatically as a result of it.

Should he be thankful for the stability of a relationship like his rather than something so toxic but with passion?

“Today C.A.P and Niel are hanging out again,” Ricky spoke first. “I hope Minwoo doesn't come by in another fit.”

Changjo said nothing and continued munching.

“Those two,” Ricky clicked his tongue.

“You don't really think they're just hanging out do you?” Changjo asked.

“What do you mean?” Ricky asked.

Changjo looked unimpressed.

“Changhyun, drop the innocent act,” the actual maknae said.

Ricky did as told, “Right. They're definitely not just hanging out. They're going to get back together, aren't they?”

“If they're not back together already,” said Changjo with a shrug. “I guess they really like each other. If it works out this time I'd be happy for them.”

It was spoken like a true friend who only had everyone's best interest at heart and like a person who was ignorant of the circumstances surrounding the initial break up. Changjo never really knew. Ricky failed to ever really tell him. The need never arose. Shortly after entering therapy the pair split and after C.A.P entered the service Niel rekindled his relationship with Minwoo. Ricky didn't see any reason to keep beating a dead horse.

It was different however if they were getting back together. It just wasn't something that should be done. He could on some level appreciate the devotion the two had for each other. After all, they'd been through something like hell and still held a burning torch. But the flame between them was dangerous and they had been and scalded by the heat of it once before. A true friend would strive to prevent future burns.

“I don't know....”Ricky began tentatively.

“What do you mean?” asked Changjo with shrug. “You like Minwoo hyung that much? I never really thought he and Niel were that compatible.”

Ricky shook his head.

“No, not that. Just... I know things about those two, well really all three of them that changes everything.”

“Like what?”

“Well, a lot of things. It's hard to explain it all. It's a lot. I don't even know where to begin. You know, I've wanted to tell you for a long time. Back then, when it was all happening I found myself wondering and thinking about how I'd tell it when I did. As time went on I just kind of started to think I'd never have to.”

“Tell me what?” Changjo asked, a touch of concern in his voice.

It was obvious that the subject of whatever it was Ricky had to say was causing him a bit of distress. Changjo was having trouble fathoming what it could be.

Ricky set his empty cup aside and crossed his legs under him. He took a stabilizing breathe and let those memories wash over him again. The pain and worry he felt, which must pale in comparison to the injury felt by the parties involved, stirred his heart. The images of the man from MNET, the bruises along Niel ribs, the screaming arguments and the distrust and infidelity all swam through his mind.

Remembering it all and bringing it to the forefront of his mind from the vault he'd sealed it in caused an ache in his chest that hadn't faded with time. If as a third party he still felt that way Ricky loathed to imagine how fresh and raw it was still for Niel himself. Still, for the sake of everyone involved Ricky conjured up the images of the past and began the tale that cast its mark on that summer of his last year in high school.

If he spoke he knew he wouldn't stop until the end an so he chose to begin his tale with a question.

“Do you remember our canceled broadcast at MNET?”

to be continued...

AN: derp