((this isn't a flashback))

Fifteen

Staring at Niel's sleeping face from the doorway that morning Minwoo wondered how everything could feel so calm after the storm that just passed. Niel's face betrayed no hint of the tumultuous early hours and now that the sun had risen he rested in the bed balled up in the covers and looking just like the child Minwoo had known him as many years ago. That sleeping face was that of the angel he had many times failed to protect. He couldn't be angry at him, never, not at Niel. Niel didn't understand the consequence of his decisions, he never had the chance to grow and learn the natural way.

Minwoo had stolen from Niel his childhood, robbed him of innocence under some false pretense of consent. He was guilty, guiltier even than Dongwook, because for all that he preached he fell for and bit into the same vice. He touched Niel, he didn't give as much as a fight as he should have, and he tricked himself into believing that if it weren't him or Dongwook it'd be someone else, that Niel had wanted it and understood everything he was getting himself into.

Of course he couldn't resent Niel for it. He didn't scold him for his bad choices, because unknowingly he had led him into a trap.

Minwoo shut his eyes as memories filed through his brain of the times then. They had been so good and carefree but he should have known. How could he have been so stupid?

He didn't think he would fall in love even after his relationship with Dongwook began to grow rocky and he knew he felt more towards the boy who stood between them than he did his actual partner. He remembered laying in bed with Niel talking about the silliest things, or even helping with his homework. This was a kid who was his junior but at the same time his senior in the industry. It was a strange relationship but he was touched by the way the boy made time for him. He never wished for more than that. He never imagined wanting a proper relationship even when they kissed or hugged, it was just a thing that would end whenever Niel found someone his age.

Minwoo was OK with that but of course things change when you're so blind that you don't see the signs that are right in front of you.

Dongwook had lead Niel into the hands of abusers and Minwoo had never done anything to stop it. He had learned at the same time as the others about the incident at MNET. It had shocked him to his core and though his gut reaction was to be angry, to have the same indignant attitude as C.A.P who had assaulted the man he caught Niel with, Minwook became aware of the part he had played as well in the systematic torture.

Wasn't it he who groomed him? What right had he to be angry?

Oh but he was so angry. He cried and screamed and fought with Dongwook until his voice was raw. He thought about quitting, not just the agency but his life. How could he face Niel again after what he did? Because despite it all he wasn't even mature enough in that situation to apologize. He didn't quit, he allowed himself to continue on, and he waited for a time when he could apologize. Niel never sought him out, why would he? Because he was part of the problem?

So it was a big relief when he found out that Niel was dating C.A.P. Minwoo chose to believe C.A.P would be better than he or Dongwook had ever been, that he would really love Niel not use him. They were around the same age, with the same goals and mindset, and Minwoo already knew, from Niel's own words that the boy had always liked him.

Minwoo glanced over Niel's brown mop of hair peaking out of the comforter and to the clock on the night stand. He had better get going. There were schedules to get to and work to do. Even if he barely slept any it couldn't be helped. It was just a result of the culmination of all of his stress he told himself. Though he knew tacitly that he was going crazy; his behavior had been irrational.

Means to an end. Means to an end.

He had to remind himself that it didn't matter what he did as long as Niel was safe and the only way to guarantee that was for the younger idol to be with him.

The end justifies the means.

And he truly began to believe that. Because despite him being a perpetrator of similar crimes, Minwoo told himself he could atone, that he was the only one in Niel's life who truly had his best interest. It was so obvious at least to him. No one else cared. Dongwook hadn't, the other TEENTOP members only cared about their band as a whole, Niel's own mother aimed only to live vicariously through the fame of her son and then there was C.A.P. That one was the worst of them all, because he was the one Niel had trusted the most.

Minwoo grabbed his keys off the television stand near the entrance way and, squeezing them in his hand, enjoyed the bite of the ragged edges in the palm of his hands. He was alive and as long as he was alive he would have Niel. There was no other way.

Shoes slipped on, bag thrown over his shoulder, Minwoo made his way out the door. He canceled all of the alarms in Niel's phone. It was OK. The boy needed rest. He didn't have to show up today. He didn't have to show up ever again. Minwoo would take care of him even if, when, the world turned against him. It was an inevitability.

That was the way things had always been so far. He was the only one to have proved his worth. He was the only one in the entire world who truly loved Niel.

- - - - - -

For the second time in a week Niel was roused from his sleep from the sound of loud knocking. This time though there was no one to answer but him. He sat up in bed, not bothering to take a glance at the clock as he went into the living room and threw open the door. An irate Siho greeted him.

“What are you doing?” Siho asked. “Do you know what time it is?”

“I-- no,” Niel looked around the room before remembering there was no clock in there.

Siho pulled his phone from a pocket and shoved it in Niel's face.

11:13am.

“You have a script reading. Don't tell me you forgot. You were supposed to be at the studio an hour ago. You're not answering your phone, your members say you didn't stay at the dorm, Minwoo can't be reached and--”

“Wait, what?” Niel replied groggily, still holding onto the door knob and squinting at his manager.

“Let's go!”

“R,right!” Niel snapped to attention and disappeared into his room, rinsing his mouth and face to the background tune of Siho's impatient cries. He slapped on a mask and hat and rejoined Siho at the door and stepped into a pair of shoes, flattening the backs.

Siho's scolding continued all the way down to the car, which Siho had left idling in a no parking zone, but Niel didn't allow himself to listen. His mind was still swirling from lack of sleep and the events just hours prior between himself and C.A.P and then with Minwoo. Between it all he completely forgot about his schedule but he couldn't just tell that to Siho. It'd only make the man even angrier he presumed.

Niel entered through the passenger side of the vehicle and then reached around the seat to grab the neck cushion he knew Ricky kept there so he could use it before buckling his safety belt. He sighed, letting his head flop to the side against the cushion and Siho started the car still prattling on.

“Please be more responsible. I don't know what's going on with you lately but I think there will have to be restrictions. We've been too lenient? You're an adult right? Why are you acting like this?”

“I just over slept a little, geez,” Niel finally replied. “I'm thirsty. Do you have any water?”

Siho frowned deeply but handed Niel a water bottle that was in the cup rest regardless. It was still sealed and Niel thanked him as he twisted it open.

“You're lucky we're still going to make it. Thanks to me, of course,” Siho continued.

Niel sighed after taking a long drink of the water. He replaced the cap and then let his head fall again and closed his eyes hoping Siho's words would serve as an angry lullaby. But of course sleep did not come easily. His mind instead became bombarded with the events that had recently come to pass and the steps he was supposed to take.

It may have looked like he gave in, and he knew Minwoo saw it that way, but it was an over simplification to say that. He didn't want to hurt him in any way. But the fact remained: Niel didn't love Minwoo. Not in that way. He cared for him of course, he never would have agreed to the relationship if he hadn't. Niel had been convinced at that point that he was over C.A.P and the other over him but the reality was proving to be quite different.

There were no thoughts being put in his head, he wasn't being manipulated, at least not by C.A.P. Minwoo made everything so heavy for him, to the point where he couldn't think or breathe. He felt oppressed really, and he was tired of it. He even tried to say how he felt but instead became bogged down again. Did he really look so stupid as to not be able to make his own decisions about his own life?

Minwoo should know more than anyone that he wasn't a victim and never was. His therapy made him see a lot about the situation. It made him admit to his own faults but also learn about what wasn't his fault either. So no he wasn't unaware of his situation and he was aware too of the risk he took getting with Minwoo in the first place. He saw the way Minwoo seemed to suffer under the weight of his conscious and Niel felt like he was strong enough to support both of their weight on his shoulders. So why did it become the way it was now? Why did Minwoo still try to pretend that Niel was still that lost youth from before?

He didn't look forward to facing C.A.P either at this rate either. What could he even say? There was no excuse for running away from him like he did. Perhaps C.A.P had grown hopeful only for Niel to once again dash that hope into pieces. But what was he to do? He couldn't show C.A.P those messages he received. Even if he wanted to, it was an indiscretion to do it. It was personal, right? Minwoo's personal thoughts for only his eyes, shouldn't he protect that?

“Don't sleep.”

Siho's word's startled him as he was tapped roughly on the knee. Niel jerked up in his seat opening his eyes.

“I wasn't asleep,” Niel said.

“At least look like you're listening when I'm angry with you.”

“Can't you be angry some other time?”

“This kid,” Siho muttered., taking his hand away and commencing his drive when the light turned green. “What is your mind?”

“I want to break up with Minwoo.”

“What? This isn't about Minsoo is it?”

“Why would you think it's about Minsoo? Maybe this relationship just isn't working for me. How about that?”

“Then why don't you tell him that.”

“I did.”

“And?”

“Well... it's complicated.”

It was Siho's turn to sigh, “Are you trying to distract me from my rage with this relationship conversation?”

“No,” Niel rejoined, but then smirked. “But is it working?”

“You brat.”

Niel actually laughed though it was a bit tired sounding. But he'd be fine through the day. He'd gone on less sleep through even more trying schedules so he wasn't worried about that. The water also seemed to be helping.

“Look, I'm just your manager. I honestly would prefer you weren't dating. That makes my life so much easier but you kids will do what you want to do regardless. If you're looking to me to try to give you reasons to stay together you won't get it here.”

“Thanks, Hyung,” Niel said grimly.

“So what exactly don't you like about him? You seem glued at the hip.”

“I guess that's part of the problem,” Niel grimaced as he remembered the flood of concerned texts he usually received if his boyfriend didn't know his whereabouts. “Honestly, I feel more like his charge than his lover these days. I'm not a kid no matter what you or anyone in the company says.”

Siho chuckled, “I know. I know. But you know the longer you stay kids means the longer I can keep my youth.”

“That's long been gone.”

“Hey!” Siho scolded but there wasn't any heart in it. “But really if that's how you feel about your relationship then I think that should be respected. You're right. Of course I hold some authority over you as a manager but Minwoo is your boyfriend and you should be equals. relationships can be tricky like that whether if it's a man and a woman or a Minwoo and a Niel. Age means seniority and a lot of times the older in the relationship may flaunt that seniority even if they don't mean to. It's just how society goes. If you point it out to him and make him more aware maybe things can change.”

“You think?” Niel asked, though it did make sense to him when put that way.

“Well, it's worth a shot. But if things don't improve then you have the right to leave at any time. It's not something you should feel obligated to stay in, you know. Power dynamics is a tricky thing and an imbalanced relationship isn't fun.”

“Geez, since when did you become so knowledgeable?” teased Niel.

“Hey I know somethings! I'm not the boss for no reason. I think I'm pretty good at my job. It's just you sleeping in that makes me look bad.”

“Right right, I get it,” Niel grumbled. “But thanks. I mean it may be a bit more complicated than just that but it still helps regardless.”

They sat in silence after that and Niel was actually glad the topic ended the lecture he had been getting but not listening to. He dug into his pants pocket. He happened to still be wearing the same thing he wore to Chunji's discharge dinner the previous night. The fans would likely notice but it was too late to worry about that. He pulled out his phone and checked to see if he had any messages and was surprised to see only missed calls from Siho and no one else not even C.A.P.

'Did he not even worry about where I went?' Niel wondered.

Though of course logic already would dictate where Niel disappeared to and any normal mind would likely take it as a rejection, or a sign of Niel's regret though that wasn't what Niel was feeling at all. The word for his feelings was yet to be determined, but it definitely wasn't regret.

Rather, he expected C.A.P to be angry with him or maybe show some type of confusion or hurt. Like this it merely looked like he didn't care, or even that he expected it. His brows knitted in confusion and his heart rate began a short climb as his mind ran wild to decipher the possible implications. Did C.A.P not think it meant anything? Did he never think Niel was serious? It wasn't just was it?

Niel opened up a chat in order to type a message.

A simple greeting seemed too stiff and he didn't want to come off as lacking in confidence. He stared at the box for so long the screen darkened and he had to swipe to brighten it once more.

“I have schedules today but.... are you free tonight?”

Send.

There, it didn't seem awkward. They were familiar with each other right? There was no need to make things weirder than they already were. Yet the butterflies were going nuts within his belly. Good thing the reply was near instant since none of the hyung line had schedules that day. He didn't have to wait long.

“Yeah. Wanna meet up?”

Niel let his mouth twitch upward into a genuine smile as he typed back, “Sure.”

-to be continued-

AN: Fithteen is a hard word to spell. Sorry about the delay I went on vacation with a friend (it wasn't fun) and then now I am back.