"Stupid Sehun," Luhan muttered as he stomped back home. "If you don't love me then leave." Realizing what he just said, he stopped walking and frowned. That's of course not what he wants but, he's not the one deciding. The perfect world he invented, Luhan wanted them to write the end together. But if Sehun doesn't want to take part on it, there's no way the tale would end well. Luhan sighed and, as if on purpose, he was in front of the park.
He got inside and crouched down in front of the red rose and frowned. Does it even mean anything now? He noticed how the petals were starting to wither, how their colors were starting to fade away.
"Are you okay?"
Luhan jumped slightly at the sudden voice. When he saw who was sitting next to him, the tears he was holding back were threatening to fall down. He'd been the person Luhan confessed everything; what he was scared of, what he liked, why he was sad. Luhan always counted on him and he always listened Luhan's problems. Right now, Luhan wanted to be child again; he wanted to complain and be reassured.
"Sehun thinks I have feelings for you." Luhan didn't know if he should laugh or cry at that.
"Is it true?"
"Of course no!" Luhan yelled and he didn't notice how Junmin frozed next to him. "I like you, but I love Sehun. I can't understand, I mean.. it's like he doesn't trust me.." Luhan wondered if that was what Sehun felt whenever he was jealous. "He knows he's the person I love the most and he–"
"I know you better than him."
Luhan threw his friend a swift glance, not understanding why Junmin cut him to say that. "Maybe but–"
"I can love you better than him."
This time, Luhan faced Junmin and furrowed his eyebrows. He couldn't have heard him properly. "What?"
"I can love you better than him," Junmin repeated a bit louder. "And you too. You told me yourself."
Luhan stared blankly at Junmin as he remembers that day, six years ago when he told Junmin about his potential feelings for him and he remembers joking about it and laughing his pain away after receiving no reply. He also remembers, that same day, talking about wanting to marry him; that was the first sentence of the confession letter he took so much time to write. When Junmin recalled him it, Luhan brushed it off. It was a memory he wanted to forget. "Junmin.. that was years ago.. I don't–"
"I didn't reply back then because I knew I was going to China a few months later. I didn't want a distance relationship, that would have hurt us both. But now I'm ready."
Luhan looked at the boy sitting next to him with an appaled expression. "Junmin. You can't say that."
"I regret so much," Junmin muttered with a face contorted with pain. "If I accepted that day, you'd be with me today."
When Luhan said, "I wouldn't," he sensed Junmin's eyes on him. It was surely because he said it confidently and too quickly. "I wouldn't because the feelings I had for you were from the respect and thankfulness I had towards you for taking care of me."
"...You're saying this now because you met Sehun."
Luhan smiled sadly. "I think you're right? Because now I'm sure that what I felt for you wasn't love."
Luhan was sure, he never loved anyone before meeting Sehun. He was the kind of person to fall in love with everyone treating him nicely. The postman who gave him a candy once, the cashier from that toystore who always asked him how he was doing, heck he even 'fell in love' with Baekhyun the first time his best friend smiled at him. But now he understood that it wasn't love, he was just grateful to those persons showing him a bit of care and gentleness. And it was the case with Junmin. Still, he didn't know that Junmin would ever return his imaginary feelings. Especially not now.
And he didn't know that his words provoked Junmin's blood to boil and his fists to clench tighthly.
But he did know that his words would hurt Junmin though, he needed to say them. As the silence was becoming unbearable, the only thing Luhan found appropriate to do was to apologize. So he took a deep breathe.
"Junmin I'm– What are you doing?!"
Ignoring Luhan's loud gasp, Junmin snatched the red rose and presented it to Luhan. "That's it?! That's your love for him?!" Luhan looked so proud and in love when telling Junmin about the flower. Junmin threw it on the ground and trampled it. After everything he had done for Luhan, why couldn't that lovestruck smile be directed towards him?
"Junmin! Stop!" Luhan grasp Junmin's arm to stop him. He didn't care about the red rose just, he couldn't let Junmin continue to crush down the pink ones. But Junmin was stronger so it was not shocking that, with his current state, when he pushed Luhan, the blond boy fell hardly on the soil.
Junmin eyes widened and he knew that he went too far when he get a glimpse of Luhan wincing as he tried to sat up. It wasn't his intention to hurt Luhan. It really wasn't. "I'm sorry. Luhan–" shame was building inside as he said this. "–I'm really sorry." He oustretched his arm and before he get to give his help, he was shoved aside.
After a few poor attempts of simply clicking a green button and his mind struggling over a 'Should I do ir or not?', Sehun decided that his boyfriend was surely not going to pick up so he slipped his phone back into his pocket.
He would understand if Luhan refuses to talk to him since that’s what Sehun had been doing for the past week.
It's true that Luhan doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. Nobody does. But hearing it from someone else aknowledge the fact that he messed up, that Luhan was suffering because of him and Sehun didn’t want that.
Hearing it from Luhan himself hurt enough already, he didn’t want lessons from other.
The fact that some unrelated persons were aware of all this stirred a self-loathing feeling in Sehun. Even strangers witnessed their dispute that would have never happened if Sehun had said what was bothering him directly. If he had faced his insecurities and accepted them, they wouldn’t be where they were now.
Luhan’s building was on his vision when something at his left caught his eyes. Sehun would have just feel angry at the sight of Luhan and Junmin on the park and maybe turn around to go to his own house if Luhan didn’t ended up on the floor after being pushed by Junmin.
Sehun didn't wait a second before running towards them and making sure that Junmin didn't touch Luhan again.
With an hand massaging his lower back to tone down the pain, Luhan grimaced as he opened his eyes slowly and he stopped breathing when he saw Sehun in front of him. For a second, his gaze drifted towards the roses and he stiffled a gasp at the sight before looking back at Sehun. Luhan mistook his worried expression for an angried one. He opened his mouth to apologize but Sehun’s next action stopped him from saying anything.
Sehun hugged him.
"I told you to tell him but I never said he would accept you!"
Luhan felt numb at the feel of those familiar arms around him. His heartbeat was so deafening, it muffled Sehun's howl.
With an amused face, Junmin brushed the dirt off his clothes as he stood up. "It’s funny how you pushed me out of Luhan’s life to have him. Much like you did just now."
Narrowing his eyes, Sehun wrapped his arms tighter around Luhan. "Don't put the blame on me for something you are doing yourself." Before Junmin had the time to retort, Sehun pursued. "It's his choice if he wants to keep you on his life, not mine. But it's your fault if you're out of it."
After saying this, Sehun didn't bother looking at Junmin's face as his eyes were trained on Luhan and helped him up. He wanted the both of them to be together already. That was why he didn't turn around once to see if Junmin left or not. He only cared about maintaining Luhan and walking him home quickly.
Even if Luhan was staring at his feet the whole time and kept his mouth shut, Sehun took some assurance on the fact that Luhan didn't let go of his hand. Athough it was not the good type of silence, Sehun took advantage of it to think about what he was going to say.
What he should have expressed for a long time now.
So, when they were in Luhan's bedroom, sitting on his bed, Sehun was ready to explain him everything. What he had to say was clearly written in his mind.
Yes, that was what he wanted to tell first.
But it wasn't his voice.
"What?" Why was Luhan apologizing at his place? "No. I am sorry. For everything. The way I treated you.. I should have never yell at you, it was wrong I–"
Luhan blinked up. "You still want to be with me?"
"–I should have not – What?" Sehun stopped. He couldn't help but be confused and utterly shocked at Luhan's question and hopeful face.
"I-I," Luhan stuttered as he looked at his hands. He inhaled to gather his words and hopefully make sense. "I thought you didn't love me anymore, I– you didn't say anything when I asked you about it earlier, I thought it was–"
Luhan was cut mid sentence by two warm hands turning his face and a soft "I will never stop loving you" before his lips met a familiar feeling.
Albeit a little surprised at first, Luhan closed his eyes and he could sense everything Sehun wanted to say through the kiss; It was like countless sorry's and his arms securely around him were as if to tell him he was here and was going to stay. But more than the innumerable excuses, what Luhan needed the most was that other feeling Sehun's lips were conveying; the real love. All in one, Sehun was promising him to stay and love him forever.
And that was all Luhan needed.
When they pulled away, Luhan rested his head on Sehun's chest, listening to his heartbeat. No words were required, the sound was enough.
Sehun was here and it was enough.
"I'm sorry," Sehun said after a while. "Extremely sorry. I... was scared.." He frowned, no matter how many times he repeated it and how clearly it was writtenin his mind, Sehun had trouble saying it out loud. It was difficult to admit that he did wrong. Not because he didn't want to apologize, but because it made everything that happened a little more real.
Admitting that he hurt someone he loves was hard.
"By what?" Luhan whispered, keeping his eyes closed.
"...By my insecurities.. I mean, I never had to deal with these things before." He unconsiously tightened his arms around Luhan. "I was– I'm afraid of losing you.." When Sehun was thinking, he was not doing it right. In fact, he was lying to himself; what he was really dealing with was that apprehension of being faced with one of his worst fear : losing someone. Thinking that it would happen again, he re his reserved state where staying quiet and avoiding the ones he loves is the easiest path to take. Losing Luhan because someone else would have steal him was what brought that anger in Sehun's usual calm, private world. It was too hard to take and it only put more irritating questions in Sehun's mind. Questions that he never bother to reply. It was not that he didn't want to, no, actually, it would have prevent him and Luhan from all this confusion but, all this time Sehun thought he would reply them by thinking alone but, now he understood that he couldn't.
He couldn't because only Luhan had the answers.
Remorse filled Sehun's heart now that he comprehended everything; how he could have averted all this fuss, how Luhan suffered because of his cowardice...
"I'm so sorry..." Sehun heaved a sigh. "So, so sorry..."
Luhan looked up and gazed into Sehun's regretful eyes. "You made me really sad this past week."
Hearing it like this was like receiving several stabs. Sehun closed his eyes as if the pain was too strong to endure. "I know.. I'm really sorry.."
Luhan bit his lip hard to stop himself from hugging Sehun tightly. "I'll forgive you if you promise to tell me what's bothering you in the future."
Sehun nodded and he looked like a child being scolded for stealing a candy. So cute!
"I will work hard to understand better how you feel, but you have to trust me and grasp that I'm always willing to listen anything. You can't be the only one helping me. We're together Sehun, like a team. It works in both days."
Sehun opened his eyes before nodding again. He had to take responsability for what he had done. Even if responsabilty meant facing Luhan's unreadable face, he would take it.
"You have to give me ice cream whenever I want."
Sehun nodded before pausing and frowning confusedly at Luhan in a manner that basically asked 'did I hear you correctly?' Luhan shrugged and looked away. He could ask whatever he wanted so why not this? After a few blinks, Sehun ended up nodding again, slowly this time.
“And lastly... show me how much you love me.”
Luhan almost died for saying this. Anyone could see it thanks to the color of his cheeks and the way his fingers were tapping the edge of the bed. After a few seconds of cleaning his room with his eyes, he grew tired of the intolerable silence so he faced Sehun who was unblinkly staring at him. Luhan frowned. “I’m waiting,” he mumbled as he wondered why it was so hot all of a sudden.
He was graced by a beautiful smile, before two hands were cuping his face and a pair of lips were on his.
Luhan sighed into the kiss. It was exactly what he missed so much these past days; a slow, lingering kiss to feel ever , every moves, the sensation of being wanted,
Of being loved.
Soon, Luhan’s back was pressed against the matress, his body digging deeper as he desesperatly tried to return every one of Sehun’s eager kisses. One of his hand was on Sehun’s nape while the other was on his hair, holding him close.
”..Sehun.. Sehun, w-wait,” Luhan muttered into the kiss, a whimper escaping his mouth as Sehun nibbled on his lower lip. He tried again, “Seh-hun wait.. I.. I–“
"I want an ice cream."
Luhan stiffled a whine as the words getting out of his mouth in a hurried whisper were the cause of the loss of warmth on his lips. He opened his eyes and bit back another whine because, how could Sehun be so illegaly perfect? It took everything in Luhan to not bring him down again and taste those addictive red lips and melt underneath his tou–
“You want an ice cream?”
What? Ah yes, Luhan was already forgetting – and regretting – what he said. It was not his fault if Sehun’s closeness made him difficult to breathe and the depth of his dark eyes made Luhan’s mind turned into a blank mess. Luhan nodded dazedly.
With another short nod, Luhan managed a sloppy grin.
Never Sehun thought watching someone eating an ice cream could be so painful. He was impatiently waiting for Luhan to finish his cup – which Sehun took the smallest he could found – but Luhan was eating it awfully slowly, little pleased sounds passing through his lips at every, every spoon he took. Difficult to stay still with such sight. Sehun was fidgetting, thinking how Luhan’s messy hair, thanks to the work of Sehun’s fingers, were not messy enough. How and especially why his crumpled shirt was still on him – he wished his gaze could burn the fabric down – how his little pink tongue would poke out every now and then to the chocolate cream on his lips, how Sehun wished he could do it at his place, how he–
"Huh?" Sehun blinked, gulping back his embarrassment because Luhan must have said something as he had been watching Sehun expectantly for a while now, but Sehun could only think about how Luhan was driving him crazy and trying to kill him.
The call. The call of deliverance. Luhan’s smiling face only added fuel to that pure relief heating up inside of Sehun and climbing on his face. Luhan was done for God's sake! Sehun could only beam, they could finally continue what they started and –
"I want another one."
Sehun fell on the bed with groan.
Luhan was definitely trying to kill him.
And he would success soon.
When Luhan was finally done with his third cup of ice cream, he was too tired to do anything so, here he was, lying with his eyes closed in front of Sehun who sighed.
He lifted his hand to put it on Luhan’s face, his thumb tracing the cheekbone softly. Luhan didn’t react but Sehun was fine with it.
"I love you."
It came out as a whisper but the frankness made each words resonated loudly in the room and also in Luhan’s brain whose eyes were now open.
Sehun stared at him blankly. The words left his mouth unconsiously. That was when he understood that when his mind was not working, his heart would always say the words at its place.
Because he’s in love with Luhan.
It was actually scary. Scary how he thinks about Luhan so often. Scary how he cares about Luhan’s safety more than his own, scary how he wouldn’t hesitate a second to give up his life for Luhan.
But Sehun’s not scared. If anything, he’s proud because Luhan is his love, his world, his everything.
Luhan is his life.
So when his life hummed and closed his eyes before saying “Goodnight”, Sehun gaped.
Luhan didn’t show any appreciation for his confession, he didn’t even smile. And it hit Sehun right in the feels and as embarrassing as it sounded, Sehun wanted to cry onto his pillow because, without being arrogant, even him heard how honest he sounded.
Sehun sighed inwardly. “Okay, I understand, I deserve it.” It was true, that’s what he deserved for treating Luhan like he did, for making him feel bad, for making him cry. He deserved it and even worse. With his eyes closed, he couldn’t see the fond smile Luhan was directing him. The latter pressed his lips on Sehun’s whose eyes were now wide open. He didn’t care that Luhan started attacking his cheeks with pokes once he pulled away, his grin was the only thing Sehun was paying attention to.
"I love you too, silly." Luhan had set up his mind to ignore Sehun for a while, but this plan could only fail because, despite looking adorable, Luhan hated to see Sehun looking so down and smiling sadly. He didn’t like the flood of emotions like guilt and anger he just witnessed passing through Sehun’s face. Luhan liked it way better when Sehun is gifting him with that special smile; the one that make his eyes tranforms into crescents, the one that can replace all the stars in the sky, the one that can give the sun a retirement.
And by the way he was being hit by sunrays in the middle of the night was more than enough of a reason for Luhan to be proud about his decision.